Lizzie60 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 They're here - only not OWs, usually. ............... Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Well said.. methink some people with those anger problems have greater issues in real life.. but they try their best to hide them.. but they are sooo transparent.. pathetic.. Yeah, I have HUGE issues. I'm mean and I'm angry. If it makes some people happy to believe that, who am I to stand in the way of anyone's happiness! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Yeah, I have HUGE issues. I'm mean and I'm angry. If it makes some people happy to believe that, who am I to stand in the way of anyone's happiness! You're right.. What was I thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 You know what the issue is here? Some of us have a VERY different definition of what "unkind" means. You're right, I'd put some people's actions down as downright cruel, never mind unkind. Whereas those same people don't even have the imagination or intelligence to see beyond their own egos. <snip> From a woman who can't even spell 'pique', that's pretty funny Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 You're right, I'd put some people's actions down as downright cruel, never mind unkind. Whereas those same people don't even have the imagination or intelligence to see beyond their own egos. From a woman who can't even spell 'pique', that's pretty funny What are you talking about? Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 What are you talking about? :lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 D-Day was shortly after VDay, so of course I ask him how they "celebrated" since I knew that we had a very nice time together that year. Turns out she sent him a dozen roses to his office. I didn't know about it (obviously), but everyone in the office thought they were from me. And, since I sent him a basket of cookies, they all thought I was the greatest wife ever. (Thanks OW:laugh:) He brought a bottle of wine to their sexfest a week later. She ordered a platter of food and they went at it for an hour or so until he got up to leave. H tells me she was so mad at him for leaving that she was yelling and throwing stuff at him. She expected an overnighter and he told her she was crazy to think that he wouldn't go home to his family. I can understand her anger, after all, she loved him and really believed they were soul-mates. In reality, it was all about the sex and the fix that my H was looking for. When I asked him what they ate, he said they didn't eat any of the food. She used it as ammunition to throw at him as he was leaving. H shared many similar stories with me after D-Day, but this is one of the few I remember because I can really imagine how angry she must have been considering that she thought he felt the same as she did. Shortly after that, she started to demand more from him and eventually her demands lead to D-Day. My H tells me that he wanted to end it and getting caught was the best thing that could have happened. It forced us both to face the realities of our marriage and ourselves. It also forced my H to accept that he had a problem and he took and continues to take the necessary steps to fix himself. He has become a better husband, father, friend, son, brother, etc. He is a healthier, happier person in so many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 They're here - only not OWs, usually. I have to disagree with this. If I understand this correctly, you are saying that the BS here are usually the "unkind" ones. I really don't think having a negative opinion about a woman who has sex with married men to be "unkind". It's just an opinion and a pretty wide spread opinion where I come from (no pun intended on the wide spread). There are many OW who come here and bash or are "unkind" to the MM after an affair has ended. Calling him all sorts of nasty names when, in reality, the OW already knew that he was a lying, cheating selfish bastard in the very beginning (unless of course he lied about being married). There are also some OW who say some very nasty things about the BW. I would put that in the "unkind" category as well. So I disagree, everyone can be "unkind" here even the OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 2sunny Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 interesting herenow - the way V-day went. i guess it's a gals expectation of valentine's day from her man that could set her up for disappointment (either married or not) and that leads to anger over things not going as planned. men who try to juggle several gals at the same time must have some talent with keeping the balls in the air when they can pull it off. sounds like a lot of work though - just to be happy. i can never imagine why they like to make things so complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 i men who try to juggle several gals at the same time must have some talent with keeping the balls in the air when they can pull it off. sounds like a lot of work though - just to be happy. i can never imagine why they like to make things so complicated. It sounds complicated, but to someone who can compartmentalize (which I can't), seems they are able to shut one door and leave what is behind that door as they open the next door. This was and still is a foreign concept to me, but from what I do understand it's how these men are able to do what they do and still walk in and out of all those doors without looking back to see the trail of pain they are leaving. Until, they are faced with losing something they really care about, and then all the doors come flying open and walls turn into windows. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 MM and I did not celebrate VD - we live a few hours away from each other and we get to see each other very rarely. I had dinner out with my best friend (I guess we must have looked like a gay couple ), his W and he did not celebrate. (He does not like VD or any other day where you "have" to celebrate, and it would make little sense for them to celebrate since they are about to get separated.) Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 D-Day was shortly after VDay, so of course I ask him how they "celebrated" since I knew that we had a very nice time together that year. Turns out she sent him a dozen roses to his office. I didn't know about it (obviously), but everyone in the office thought they were from me. And, since I sent him a basket of cookies, they all thought I was the greatest wife ever. (Thanks OW:laugh:) He brought a bottle of wine to their sexfest a week later. She ordered a platter of food and they went at it for an hour or so until he got up to leave. H tells me she was so mad at him for leaving that she was yelling and throwing stuff at him. She expected an overnighter and he told her she was crazy to think that he wouldn't go home to his family. I can understand her anger, after all, she loved him and really believed they were soul-mates. In reality, it was all about the sex and the fix that my H was looking for. When I asked him what they ate, he said they didn't eat any of the food. She used it as ammunition to throw at him as he was leaving. H shared many similar stories with me after D-Day, but this is one of the few I remember because I can really imagine how angry she must have been considering that she thought he felt the same as she did. Shortly after that, she started to demand more from him and eventually her demands lead to D-Day. My H tells me that he wanted to end it and getting caught was the best thing that could have happened. It forced us both to face the realities of our marriage and ourselves. It also forced my H to accept that he had a problem and he took and continues to take the necessary steps to fix himself. He has become a better husband, father, friend, son, brother, etc. He is a healthier, happier person in so many ways.Hi hereandnow. Not to be disrepectful, but do you really believe everything he told you? Its hard to believe that he was that awful and mean lover to her, like he portrays to you. It sounds like he may be twisting his stories to satisfy you. A bottle of wine plus and hour of sex? Don't know how many ow would put up with that. I think he wouldnt admit to buying her a gift to you if his life depended on it. Out of fear....But I am sure that when mm goes crawling home after Dday, he has to pitch these things to his w, in order to get back into the house. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I have to disagree with this. If I understand this correctly, you are saying that the BS here are usually the "unkind" ones. I really don't think having a negative opinion about a woman who has sex with married men to be "unkind". It's just an opinion and a pretty wide spread opinion where I come from (no pun intended on the wide spread). There are many OW who come here and bash or are "unkind" to the MM after an affair has ended. Calling him all sorts of nasty names when, in reality, the OW already knew that he was a lying, cheating selfish bastard in the very beginning (unless of course he lied about being married). There are also some OW who say some very nasty things about the BW. I would put that in the "unkind" category as well. So I disagree, everyone can be "unkind" here even the OW. So here and now, you did mention that the mm is a " lying, cheating selfish bastard" Your Husband included? My question to you is " how can you believe these crazy stories that he presents to you about his R with the OW? Or is he different then the others? No disrepect, just curious to know your Opinion... Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 interesting herenow - the way V-day went. i guess it's a gals expectation of valentine's day from her man that could set her up for disappointment (either married or not) and that leads to anger over things not going as planned. men who try to juggle several gals at the same time must have some talent with keeping the balls in the air when they can pull it off. sounds like a lot of work though - just to be happy. i can never imagine why they like to make things so complicated. my point sunny, they have to put alot of work to keep BOTH HappY, I dont think a bottle of wine and an hour of sex cut it...there is more to the story that hereand now didnt get told.. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Hi hereandnow. Not to be disrepectful, but do you really believe everything he told you? Its hard to believe that he was that awful and mean lover to her, like he portrays to you. It sounds like he may be twisting his stories to satisfy you. A bottle of wine plus and hour of sex? Don't know how many ow would put up with that. I think he wouldnt admit to buying her a gift to you if his life depended on it. Out of fear....But I am sure that when mm goes crawling home after Dday, he has to pitch these things to his w, in order to get back into the house. I would agree with you had I not heard the rambling she left on his voice mail that night and many others. My H didn't erase her VM's and on D-Day, I was coherent enough to ask him to let me listen to her messages before he had the chance to erase them (which I'm sure he would have if he had the chance). As far as gifts, he gave her thousands of dollars that he admitted to, so I can't see why he wouldn't tell me about a gift. She told him never to show up at her door empty handed, so I know there were gifts as well. I wonder what she would have done if he just showed up with his dick in his hand because that was the reason he was there. Also, the cell phones records showed that he would call me right before he saw her and when he left, so the time frame fits. Unless of course he snuck a call into me while he was still at her apartment. I wouldn't be surprised, but I doubt it. He told me some truths that I have to admit I could do without hearing, but in his effort to come clean, I got the full range of what, how, where, when, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I didn't find it hard to believe. Don't they all settle for scraps after all? It's the nature of the relationship isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 It sounds complicated, but to someone who can compartmentalize (which I can't), seems they are able to shut one door and leave what is behind that door as they open the next door. This was and still is a foreign concept to me, but from what I do understand it's how these men are able to do what they do and still walk in and out of all those doors without looking back to see the trail of pain they are leaving. Until, they are faced with losing something they really care about, and then all the doors come flying open and walls turn into windows. I agree, Someone told me once imagine a mans brain full of boxes! A box for his job, a box for his family, a box for his finances, a box for his feelings..etc. A man pulls this box out, and deals with it, and then quickly returns the box in his head. Carefully placing the boxes so they don't touch:lmao:. They love the "nothing" box the most. Thats the box they have opened when they are lying on the couch , you know the face when you see it, dumb founded expression... They have the nothing box out.!Mens brains are like this to compartmentalize. Women on the other hand are different, think of the females brain with all kinds of wires interwine, radiating feelings and emotions at 100 miles an hour..kinda a mess in a way, but thats why we can multi task, and they can't. lol . Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 So here and now, you did mention that the mm is a " lying, cheating selfish bastard" Your Husband included? My question to you is " how can you believe these crazy stories that he presents to you about his R with the OW? Or is he different then the others? No disrepect, just curious to know your Opinion... Yup, my H included. Even he agrees. That is why I kicked him out as soon as I found out. It took time and effort on both our parts to even begin to repair our broken marriage. As I have said many times, my H has an addictive personality. Had he not been caught, I'm certain that he would have continued having affairs or maybe something even worse. But he did dig deep, acknowledged his faults and has been working a 12 step program to help him. It is a life time commitment and if I ever see him falter from that commitment, I will know that trouble is just around the corner. We work together to make sure that we don't neglect our relationship. I believe that he was a selfish person to the OW, because he didn't exactly treat me with any respect. He takes full responsibility and has shown true remorse and a daily effort to be a better father husband, person, etc. I made the choice to give my marriage a second chance and I'm happy I did. Our marriage will never be what it was and I would never want it to be. We are building a new and healthier marriage than we ever had. As far as believing his stories about the OW. I have the proof from her own VM's and emails. My H saves everything. Part of the addictive personality I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I didn't find it hard to believe. Don't they all settle for scraps after all? It's the nature of the relationship isn't it?No not really:D Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Yup, my H included. Even he agrees. That is why I kicked him out as soon as I found out. It took time and effort on both our parts to even begin to repair our broken marriage. As I have said many times, my H has an addictive personality. Had he not been caught, I'm certain that he would have continued having affairs or maybe something even worse. But he did dig deep, acknowledged his faults and has been working a 12 step program to help him. It is a life time commitment and if I ever see him falter from that commitment, I will know that trouble is just around the corner. We work together to make sure that we don't neglect our relationship. I believe that he was a selfish person to the OW, because he didn't exactly treat me with any respect. He takes full responsibility and has shown true remorse and a daily effort to be a better father husband, person, etc. I made the choice to give my marriage a second chance and I'm happy I did. Our marriage will never be what it was and I would never want it to be. We are building a new and healthier marriage than we ever had. As far as believing his stories about the OW. I have the proof from her own VM's and emails. My H saves everything. Part of the addictive personality I guess. Thank you hereandnow for your response. Sounds like you both put in very hard work to rekindle your Marriage. I wish you both the best, and by what you write it sounds like your M is healed;) Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 No not really:D It so interesting that whenever I post about my situation I'm told that I'm either in denial or my H didn't tell me the "whole" truth. I think it's because some OW find it hard to believe that, at least in my case, there was no emotional bond. I know the OW believed that my H loved her because he never said he didn't. He never said he did (and that really pissed her off), but he never said he didn't. So, she took that as fact that he did love her. She continually begged him to tell her that it wasn't all about sex and he wouldn't answer. True, he never lied to her, but he just avoided telling her the truth, which allowed her to come to her own conclusions. That's why she had so many meltdowns, but still continued having sex with him, because she believed what she wanted to believe despite how he treated her. I'm not saying he loved me during the affair because I really don't think he did. I don't think he was really capable of truly loving anyone because of his own self loathing at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Thank you hereandnow for your response. Sounds like you both put in very hard work to rekindle your Marriage. I wish you both the best, and by what you write it sounds like your M is healed;) A very important thing that I learned from this whole experience is that no relationship should ever be taken for grated. I hope to be able to remember that for the rest of my life so that I can be the best wife, mother, sister,daughter, friend, etc possible. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 It so interesting that whenever I post about my situation I'm told that I'm either in denial or my H didn't tell me the "whole" truth. I think it's because some OW find it hard to believe that, at least in my case, there was no emotional bond. I know the OW believed that my H loved her because he never said he didn't. He never said he did (and that really pissed her off), but he never said he didn't. So, she took that as fact that he did love her. She continually begged him to tell her that it wasn't all about sex and he wouldn't answer. True, he never lied to her, but he just avoided telling her the truth, which allowed her to come to her own conclusions. That's why she had so many meltdowns, but still continued having sex with him, because she believed what she wanted to believe despite how he treated her. I'm not saying he loved me during the affair because I really don't think he did. I don't think he was really capable of truly loving anyone because of his own self loathing at the time. Didn't mean to quote you here Mino, sorry:o Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 A very important thing that I learned from this whole experience is that no relationship should ever be taken for grated. I hope to be able to remember that for the rest of my life so that I can be the best wife, mother, sister,daughter, friend, etc possible. I Meant "taken for granted". Boy, my computer skills are weak today. I should really proof read my posts. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Any OW/OM who thinks they're not settling for scraps is delusional. Sadly, the BS is also settling for less. It's a sad situation for all I'm sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts