Idahobo Posted February 15, 2009 Share Posted February 15, 2009 Well, This is awkward. I met my wife about 4 years ago. Weve been great friends throughout everything but weve had some problems. We had a pregnancy scare a few years ago, didnt really talk about it much. It always bugged us both but we kinda kept it in. There was infidelity later on on her behalf. I forgave, knowing people are irrational. She wanted to work that out then. Fast forward. We got married this august. She told me when the infidelity occurred that she was honestly believing I didnt want to keep by her side. We talked a lot about it, and made plans to do it this last year. Great wedding, but I started school, I quit a terrible job that was keeping me in poor spirits every day, and have had a hard time working since. Shes been the breadwinner. We had to move several times, and stay with family in the process. its been.. frustrating having no privacy.. all of that. It came to a head last month. Told me she wasnt happy, wanted to do the single thing, Told me that she was going 500 miles away and she wanted seperation. I was angry. We didnt talk a few days, I came to my senses, and we started talking about it all. really making progress and she talked about me coming up and staying with her. She left earlier than expected.. Its been not even a month. She told me in the first few weeks that she did not want divorce. wanted to work at this. During this time, I had been doing a poor job of giving her space. We were on great terms, but I couldnt help being an idiot.The last week, she wrote me, said she didnt want to be married, didnt want a boyfriend, didnt believe in love.. ugh. Said she was with a guy, but did not want to date him, after letting something slip and a little badgering, she coughed that up. She had an unpleasant discovery that the guy was a total moron and swiftly let it go.I told her if she just wants to do the friend thing like this, shes gotta be honest.. asked her why, if she doesnt love me, would she hold that from me? Confused I guess. She blew up recently at me and said "never never, i dont want to ever do this again". Shes always had an irrational side when it came to arguments, regularly biting off more than she could chew, so it makes it very hard for me to read her at times. I realize these thoughts must be in her head for her to say em, but she keeps posting up pictures of us on her account..I insisted to give it more time, that we really havent been seperated. Said shes coming up sometime soon and wants to file the divorce. We talked about that before she moved, and we kind of agreed that even if we got back together, that might be the thing to do, as we both arent mentally ready for it. Im feeling like, she wants to talk to me often and she still has much concern for me, she wants that part, but she doesnt want to take the rest of it at this point. So, I told her that Im going to just go do my own thing and we'll talk later. almost immediately thereafter, she tells me shes been frustrated since she moved, said that she "didnt do anything, didnt want to" with this guy.. I just.. I dont know where this is. Friends tell me to just **** off and ignore her and see where it goes. doing that.. Just having a hard time distancing myself. I think 3 weeks aint enough time for her to figure it all out, especially when I havent given her space. Ugh. How do I approach this? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Well, This is awkward. I met my wife about 4 years ago. Weve been great friends throughout everything but weve had some problems. We had a pregnancy scare a few years ago, didnt really talk about it much. It always bugged us both but we kinda kept it in. There was infidelity later on on her behalf. I forgave, knowing people are irrational. She wanted to work that out then. Fast forward. We got married this august. She told me when the infidelity occurred that she was honestly believing I didnt want to keep by her side. We talked a lot about it, and made plans to do it this last year. Great wedding, but I started school, I quit a terrible job that was keeping me in poor spirits every day, and have had a hard time working since. Shes been the breadwinner. We had to move several times, and stay with family in the process. its been.. frustrating having no privacy.. all of that. It came to a head last month. Told me she wasnt happy, wanted to do the single thing, Told me that she was going 500 miles away and she wanted seperation. I was angry. We didnt talk a few days, I came to my senses, and we started talking about it all. really making progress and she talked about me coming up and staying with her. She left earlier than expected.. Its been not even a month. She told me in the first few weeks that she did not want divorce. wanted to work at this. During this time, I had been doing a poor job of giving her space. We were on great terms, but I couldnt help being an idiot.The last week, she wrote me, said she didnt want to be married, didnt want a boyfriend, didnt believe in love.. ugh. Said she was with a guy, but did not want to date him, after letting something slip and a little badgering, she coughed that up. She had an unpleasant discovery that the guy was a total moron and swiftly let it go.I told her if she just wants to do the friend thing like this, shes gotta be honest.. asked her why, if she doesnt love me, would she hold that from me? Confused I guess. She blew up recently at me and said "never never, i dont want to ever do this again". Shes always had an irrational side when it came to arguments, regularly biting off more than she could chew, so it makes it very hard for me to read her at times. I realize these thoughts must be in her head for her to say em, but she keeps posting up pictures of us on her account..I insisted to give it more time, that we really havent been seperated. Said shes coming up sometime soon and wants to file the divorce. We talked about that before she moved, and we kind of agreed that even if we got back together, that might be the thing to do, as we both arent mentally ready for it. Im feeling like, she wants to talk to me often and she still has much concern for me, she wants that part, but she doesnt want to take the rest of it at this point. So, I told her that Im going to just go do my own thing and we'll talk later. almost immediately thereafter, she tells me shes been frustrated since she moved, said that she "didnt do anything, didnt want to" with this guy.. I just.. I dont know where this is. Friends tell me to just **** off and ignore her and see where it goes. doing that.. Just having a hard time distancing myself. I think 3 weeks aint enough time for her to figure it all out, especially when I havent given her space. Ugh. How do I approach this? First thing you do is seperate your bank and credit accounts. Safeguard your posessions (as much as possible) and get yourself a good lawyer. You are on the highway to "walk away" hell and there is no way for you to get off. Unless your STBXW has a change of heart/mind she will dictate the terms and conditions from this point on. Society has put this power into her hands. For many years the mail was in the "power position" vis-a-vie seperation and divorce. That changed a few decades ago. The pendulum has swung, and it will take longer than I will live for that measure to swing back toward the middle creating a more equal playing field. She's "Come a long way Baby" and now it's you without the power. Sad but true. My advice is to start living your own life as quickly as you can... she's living hers. Sometimes it helps to find out who the Other Man in her life is. Often that helps speed along the healing process for you. Good Luck, Link to post Share on other sites
Alan430 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Yup... Sounds like a Walkaway wife. She is stringing you along for her security, whatever that maybe.. Money a friend who knows. Do seperate you bank account though i made that mistake and paid for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Idahobo Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 no money involved.. Im getting a lot of mixed signals right now, I wanna see how this disconnect plays out, as immediately after mentioning it, she seemed to give me some feedback. I think honestly she enjoys being chased, and needs not to be to get perspective on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Idahobo Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 well, we talked tonight. she called me. Wanted to talk. Talked for an hour and a half about the pitfalls, the problems. Told her i wanted this seperation to be a bit more long term and not immediate. She was docile for the first time in a while, allowed me to say a lot she wouldnt listen to before. I think were gettin somewhere. Shes still got a lot of hostility towards me, but I think shes finally getting to where I am with it. Said shes not looking to date while were apart. I kinda think shes starting to miss it. After I stopped calling and stopped talking, she seems to have shifted gears a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Idahobo Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 she called the other day, said at the end of the convo she loves me... didnt know what to make of it. Said I love you too. called today, said she got me my valentines gifts. As a curious experiment I was on myspace and changed my status to "out with friends and did for a while,and shortly there after she changed hers, elluded to going to dinner with a guy. Keeping my distance and my guard, I know shes playing mind games. Starting to seperate the relationship from the emotions of it still being a few weeks into this process. Feel like shes trying to get a reaction, but Im not giving the satisfaction. Its making it easier for me to distance myself from this right now. Link to post Share on other sites
edgeof27 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 she called the other day, said at the end of the convo she loves me... didnt know what to make of it. Said I love you too. called today, said she got me my valentines gifts. As a curious experiment I was on myspace and changed my status to "out with friends and did for a while, and shortly there after she changed hers, elluded to going to dinner with a guy. Keeping my distance and my guard, I know shes playing mind games. Starting to seperate the relationship from the emotions of it still being a few weeks into this process. Feel like shes trying to get a reaction, but Im not giving the satisfaction. Its making it easier for me to distance myself from this right now. Sounds like she's playing the same game that you are.....no, g.... Link to post Share on other sites
suzanne2009 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 You need to decide which ride you are on. Are you on the reconciling ride or the divorce ride? Right now you are stradeling the fence. Do you want her back? If you do then you need to pursue that avenue. If you don't want her back you need to start no contact. That will allow you to start healing yourself from this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Well, pull the rug from under her. Consequences need to be created for her indiscretion. No Contact, since you have no kids. If she happens to actually get you on the phone, keep things pleasant and positive, but you should not be saying ILU. That's a security blanket. Stop enabling her behavior. Cut her off. If you started dating other women, what would her reaction be? Be logical, rather than emotional. Same goes to any women out there having infidelity issues. Stand up for yourself. We all have tremendous worth as individuals. Stay positive and keep hope alive! Link to post Share on other sites
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