shykitty69 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 So, me and my husband have been married for 5 years now and i find myself fighting with him about the same thing. See, he likes to watch porn and look at nudie pic of other women. I feel like I have tried just about everything. At first I was mad. I told him how much it hurt me and how,to me, it is the same as cheating.Of course he lied to me by telling me he would stop.The first time i cough him,i had looked at the cookies on my computer.I gave him a chance to explain and he said he was not on the computer.So i asked him again,just to make sure, and he verified that he had not looked at any porn.Well of course that story changed when i showed him his long history of porn sites.Long story short, he still hasen't stoped.Am I so wrong in feeling like he is cheating on me? Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I don't think you are wrong to feel that way. Your husband has compartmentalized that area. If he doesn't neglect you sexually, or makes you do things that you feel degrade you. He probably doesn't see the harm in it. Men are visual creatures. What they see exsites them. Women are relational what they hear exites them. To him they are images that do not represent real people. That's why cartoons can be just as erotic as real life. I would be much more concerned if he was carrying on an emotional affair without sex. Women tend to fall into these areas, because of the romance. Ultimately it is up to you to decide. If you cannot deal with it. He needs to stop, or you need to quit digging. Over 60% of what is downloaded off the internet is porn. Link to post Share on other sites
soserious1 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 so why do men get so angry when we tell them to go make love to their computer and leave us alone? A guy reaching for you after he's spent the evening viewing porn is insulting and degrading. OP you have a third option, you can decide that you can't live with his porn habit and you can end the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
conan99 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Nope, you are completely justified in being concerned. However, as a male who is easily drawn to visual stimulus, I can at least tell it may not be a specific act against you or your marriage. He may not be able to stop! Porn is extremely addictive and easy, and giving up can be a long road. I don't want to be overly negative, but porn is normally a downward spiral, it will cost in the long term, even if it stays on the computer. This stuff can mess with a man's mind. However, if something made my wife jealous, even if i considered it minor, I would have to consider giving up or stopping it, because its how she feels that should matter. Like having dinner with an old girlfriend etc. Doesn't matter if its not going to lead anywhere, if the wife is jealous, its up to me to consider her feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
chrislovestosurf Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I don't want to be overly negative, but porn is normally a downward spiral, it will cost in the long term, even if it stays on the computer. This stuff can mess with a man's mind. Porn? really? Link to post Share on other sites
collegekid491 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 While its a issue, its being blown up FAR to big here. Every guy has done it, if they deny it, they are lying, period. The fact you feel he's cheating on you, your taking it way more personal then he is intending it to be. In fact, most guys will have a problem with this if they have excessive free time, which he could fill with some kind of hobby. The scary thing about the situation is that maybe he's not being sexually fulfilled. As a married couple it can still be awkward but important to open the doors for discussion. If you simply tell him to stop, he won't, he's just gonna try and hide it better. You either gotta take the time and effort yourself to investigate the root of the problem and offer a solution or it won't go away. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I think when you start treating a man like he's a bad little 12 year old boy and he's done something horribly shameful, it's going to blow up in your face. Excessive porn usage, where a guy is spending hours and hours and hours poring over porn, is definitely an issue. Alot of times, that will lead to cyber sex, chat rooms, answering personal ads on hookup sites, etc. etc. But the occasional use of porn for self gratification is something men have done for years and years and years. Before the computer, guys had their stash of nudie magazines and movies to watch. Link to post Share on other sites
Squirtal Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I think porn is a matter of peoples opinions. If a Wife or partner doesn't like that her partner looks at porn then he should take it into consideration. I personally have no problem with it at all...if my partner wants to look at Uporn or whatever than good luck to him as long as it doesn't take over from my position. Sometimes we will watch some together if we are feeling that way frisky. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I think when you start treating a man like he's an 'evil' little 12 year old boy whose done something horribly shameful, it's going to blow up in your face. Excessive porn usage, where a guy is spending hours and hours and hours poring over porn, is definitely an issue. Alot of times, that will lead to cyber sex, chat rooms, answering personal ads on hookup sites, paid escorts, and on and on. But the occasional use of porn for self gratification is something men have done for years and years and years. Before the computer, guys had their stash of nudie magazines and movies to watch. Men are visual creatures and will use porn for self gratification. I honestly can't imagine TELLING a man - whose done this all his life - that it's "cheating" and he's "not allowed to do it anymore." Just because YOU don't like porn and think it's 'cheating,' doesn't mean you have to FORCE that ridiculous belief down someone ELSE'S throat. Choose your battles wisely. Today you'll take away his occasional enjoyment of porn. What will it be tomorrow? His favorite food? His favorite sport? Link to post Share on other sites
Squirtal Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Hi Michelle I think maybe that was a little harsh. Just because you and I and some others have no problem with porn, it doesn't make a person ridiculous to not like it. Its personal preference. I know many women who are uncomfortable with porn, and some who get very upset..their feelings are valid, and should be considered. You can't say that the person upset is going to move onto banning Sport and Favorite food...its not the same thing at all. Granted a guy is probably going to watch porn whether 'we' like it or not..its a case of learning how to deal with it if 'you' feel bad about it. Hope that makes sense without being snitty. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 So, me and my husband have been married for 5 years now and i find myself fighting with him about the same thing. See, he likes to watch porn and look at nudie pic of other women. I feel like I have tried just about everything. At first I was mad. I told him how much it hurt me and how,to me, it is the same as cheating.Of course he lied to me by telling me he would stop.The first time i cough him,i had looked at the cookies on my computer.I gave him a chance to explain and he said he was not on the computer.So i asked him again,just to make sure, and he verified that he had not looked at any porn.Well of course that story changed when i showed him his long history of porn sites.Long story short, he still hasen't stoped.Am I so wrong in feeling like he is cheating on me? Why does he need porn? Have you considered that he may not want or need it if you put more effort into that department? There are guys who are simply addicted... others are simply neglected. Link to post Share on other sites
rach1122 Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 It almost sounds like he might be addicted to porn. I don't think any man who is married or in a relationship should be that in to porn. I consider it to be very insulting. I think you should be somewhat worried about this issue. Just because he is a male doesn't make it right for him to watch porn so often or even at all. Link to post Share on other sites
voldigicam Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 The way we handle it is that I have set aside private access time and place. We just agree on the amount of time. Pretty much as much as is required to get rid of the urge. Stifling it simply resulted in sudden breakdowns and binges, disorientation, weirdness. This works very well. I'm not distracted by those desires. She doesn't run across the stuff. We're much closer than ever. Something very difficult for most people to understand is that porn and masturbation have nothing to do with the real world. Shunning and distancing is the worst possible approach. Approving isn't necessary, but acceptance is reasonable. This is a very workable approach. It's a different itch. It's certainly not personal. Link to post Share on other sites
bearhugs Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Hey, im a 29 year old male and i know how guys are.....some people may hate me for this but im going to say this.......please dont think im cold hearted....porn is a fantasy but it shows that he has quite a drive and if it hurts you and he doesnt stop, im not so sure hed be able to in the heat of opportunity. I hope he never gets the chance to cheat because i feel he may have a weakness that he may regret someday. Im not saying that he would but it would be a true struggle for him. Link to post Share on other sites
NotSureWhat2Do Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I don't think you are crazy for feeling like this. I am the same way. I don't like my husband looking at it and I have cought him several times. He has now started deleting his browsing history, I don't know how to check my cookies? Link to post Share on other sites
bearhugs Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 It just shouldnt be a huge deal to give up porn if it really hurts you. It hurting you is the key here not that its porn. Your not taking his sport away or his favorite food like some weeny was leading toward. This is a wise battle and why would anyone want the one they love getting off on another man or women......... Link to post Share on other sites
LostLamb Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I don't understand why some women hate their partners looking at porn. Unless he would rather watch porn than be with you , why worry? Link to post Share on other sites
rainfall Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 I don't understand why some women hate their partners looking at porn. Unless he would rather watch porn than be with you , why worry? Probably because most men compare their SO to the porn star in some way. Link to post Share on other sites
LostLamb Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Probably because most men compare their SO to the porn star in some way. The porn my ex looked at was full of different types of women-fat , thin , white , black etc It is unhealthy if looking at porn and thinking "why won't wifey do that with me" but on the other hand you could say it was proof you are with the wrong person as sexual compatibility is important. Nowadays , anyway Link to post Share on other sites
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