kashmir Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I don't want to come home from school anymore. Once every week or two weeks I go home for a few hours. My parents fight and bicker every time. It's usually my mom yelling while my dad just sits and takes it. My mom has a lot of anger and bitterness in her and takes it out on my dad. My dad is a very balanced person, too balanced perhaps. He hardly ever expressed emotion. I can see why my mom gets annoyed at him, because every now and the he'll annoy me too. He yields to others way too much and expects us to do the same. He can be critical and pretty negative toward himself and us. My mom is the opposite. She can be overly-ambitious, to the point where she doesn't know her own limitations and gets into things over her head. It's practically a match made in heaven. They fight all the time. I don't want to see them miserable. It really kills me, but I don't know what to do. Both of them tell me that I'm the only thing they have left and that my being happy will make them happy. I want to make that a reality so bad, but it just doesn't work that way. I really don't know how to make this situation better, but I want to do something to help. I can't stand to see them hate each other. Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 I really don't know how to make this situation better, but I want to do something to help. I can't stand to see them hate each other. How old are you and how long have they been married? I guess you don't have any siblings? Is there a cultural or religious reason why they are still together? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 My marriage and family is as dysfunctional as the next I suppose. Sometimes the dynamics between myself and my husband escalate into a kind of "bickering" and if it isnt consciously stopped by one or both of us, it carries on unimpeded. What usually stops it is our teenage daughter looking at us and saying she doesnt like this. Just that is enough to reel us in back to the reality that we do in fact love each other and that the "bickering" some couples get used to is not something we want her to have in HER life , let alone ours. It may not sound like much - but if you tell them: I love you both, I love our family, I know you love me - but I need you to stop behaving this way.....They may hear you and come to the same conclusion. Maybe they will need to be reminded every time you come home - but hey, what a nice reprieve for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Both of them tell me that I'm the only thing they have left and that my being happy will make them happy. I want to make that a reality so bad, Suggest to them, in a loving and respectful conversation, that if they REALLY want you to be happy, they need to start playing a much more positive role in your life. Remind them that you need THEM to role-model happiness, if they want you to be able to give, receive and enjoy it in your own life. In truth, it is not an offspring's duty or responsibility to ensure one or both parents' happiness/contentment. As well, of course, they have their own Self...you are NOT, in reality, "all" they have. Those are unfair (unhealthy, dysfunctional) burdens to place on you. They also have each other. As dysfunctional as that relationship looks to you and other outsiders, it is serving a useful purpose to each of them: Dad gets to remain emotionally distant/unavailable, and Mom gets to express her unexplored anger and hostility without fear of retaliation from Dad. It is that their relationship is functioning (for them) BECAUSE OF its dysfunctional aspects. For your future relationships (as a friend, co-worker, spouse, parent, business/community leader), you may wish to explore 'emotional intelligence', and what constitutes healthy emotional boundaries. Anne Katherine has a couple of books, either of which you may find helpful. [1] Boundaries - Where You End and I Begin: How to Recognize and Set Healthy Boundaries. [2] Where To Draw The Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day. And there's a free book on emotional intelligence at: http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm No doubt your parents' unhappiness is difficult on you, mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually...likely it is exhausting and depleting. [EDIT: Which again, you can let them know in a clear, kind way.] But their relationship and individual disappointment with life are not your problems to resolve or "fix". Their personal and relationship happiness is THEIR business and responsibility. Your self-responsibility is about understanding, establishing and maintaining your own emotional boundaries, detaching from other people's "stuff" that doesn't belong to you, and learning how to successfully meet your own needs, desires and life goals. Yes, it is a lot and it does take courage and effort. But the rewards are well worth it. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Ronni - Thank you for the above link. I think I need a refresh and look forward to reading the whole thing and hopefully sharing it with my husband. We need some boundaries , or rules ourselves. I dont want to get out of hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Glad to contribute, 2sure. What I've done is put the whole thing into a Word.doc, and I share that with whomever is open to receiving it -- teenagers, young parents, my 70-y/o mom . With a different personal development book, I put it in a "blue binder" and just had it laying about the house. We'd be going around, "Have you read the blue binder lately?" or, "THAT's not very blue binder, is it?" or, "Sounds like you need a blue binder refresher!" Points made in a kind and loving way. And lessons learned, too! (Now, I know the guys didn't actually read much if anything, but I had shared 'highlights' during normal conversation...or wherever I could fit it in...so they had the basics. Even if not, when someone mentioned "the blue binder", the other knew they were acting outside of "functional" and it interrupted that behaviour.) Wishing your household love, happiness and mutually enriching experiences Link to post Share on other sites
Angelina Nisse Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Both of them tell me that I'm the only thing they have left and that my being happy will make them happy. They are trying to draw you in, emmesh you in the dysfunction, and make YOU feel responsible for their happiness. Don't buy into it. I presume you're a young adult, visiting from college? Frankly, I wouldn't even come home with a mess like this going on! I would only see them separately. And if one starts talking, complaining to you about the other one, I would excuse myself and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
wiz Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 hey my parents argue all the time. infact they havent said a single pleasnt word to each other in years. the only thing is i kind of take my mums side becasue she is normally always right. my dad suffers from depression which makes him frustrating most of the time and difficult to be around. my advice is not to blame yoursellf (as i always feel that i might be partly to blame) and if their only argueing about petty things then its not really anything to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 hey my parents argue all the time. infact they havent said a single pleasnt word to each other in years. the only thing is i kind of take my mums side becasue she is normally always right. my dad suffers from depression which makes him frustrating most of the time and difficult to be around. my advice is not to blame yoursellf (as i always feel that i might be partly to blame) and if their only argueing about petty things then its not really anything to worry about. For years? Do they still sleep togther? Link to post Share on other sites
Author kashmir Posted March 8, 2009 Author Share Posted March 8, 2009 It's really a bitch. I hate to see my mom always at my dad's throat. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 I hate to see my mom always at my dad's throat. Your dad is allowing that to happen to him, instead of standing up for himself. Or. He is fine with it in the sense that he may not even be noticing due to him not being in touch with his own feelings and emotional needs. By observing how the two of them interact with each other, you can begin to make decisions about your own future relationships -- how are you going to relate with others, and what will you accept, and reject, about how others treat you? Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 It's really a bitch. I hate to see my mom always at my dad's throat. How old are you and how long have they been married? I guess you don't have any siblings? Is there a cultural or religious reason why they are still together? Link to post Share on other sites
wiz Posted March 15, 2009 Share Posted March 15, 2009 no they don't sleep together. we have two houses which are joined together (kinda strange i know) and he sleeps and lives in the other house by himself. Link to post Share on other sites
MN randomguy Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 They are trying to draw you in, emmesh you in the dysfunction, and make YOU feel responsible for their happiness. Don't buy into it. I presume you're a young adult, visiting from college? Frankly, I wouldn't even come home with a mess like this going on! I would only see them separately. And if one starts talking, complaining to you about the other one, I would excuse myself and leave. My house was really similar to yours. (Kasmir) I have decided to take this avenue. The hard part is to find a positive role model to replace it. But, if they're like my parents they do like to have the kids involved to escalate and team-up on each other. It upsets me to go home and takes about a week to get out of my system so that I can live my life. I haven't been home since Christmas. I suppose I'll have to go home for Easter. Now my dad wrote a will that my mom doesn't like. Its gonna suck. I'm 29. The drama never ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 I don't want to come home from school anymore. Once every week or two weeks I go home for a few hours. My parents fight and bicker every time. It's usually my mom yelling while my dad just sits and takes it. My mom has a lot of anger and bitterness in her and takes it out on my dad. My dad is a very balanced person, too balanced perhaps. He hardly ever expressed emotion. I can see why my mom gets annoyed at him, because every now and the he'll annoy me too. He yields to others way too much and expects us to do the same. He can be critical and pretty negative toward himself and us. My mom is the opposite. She can be overly-ambitious, to the point where she doesn't know her own limitations and gets into things over her head. It's practically a match made in heaven. They fight all the time. I don't want to see them miserable. It really kills me, but I don't know what to do. Both of them tell me that I'm the only thing they have left and that my being happy will make them happy. I want to make that a reality so bad, but it just doesn't work that way. I really don't know how to make this situation better, but I want to do something to help. I can't stand to see them hate each other. But them a session at a local psychologist to get them started. Seriously. Someone needs to teach them some skills to better coexist. Link to post Share on other sites
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