What would you do???

[mendsley]

Quick background:

My wife and I have been seperated for about 5 months now, she left me to go back home and I moved to another state because of a promotion. I found out shortly after she left she was having an online affair that lasted for about 5 months prior to me finding out, they are no longer seeing each other (He knocked up another woman while my wife and him were talking)

 

I did want the seperation at first and now I regret that I aggreed to that arrangement. I love her very much as well as our three boys and I have been working very hard to better myself so we can better our marriage. She has done nothing to better us and when I ask her to go to MC she says no way!

 

The drama:

So friday I drove ten hours to pick up the kids for a week, and in my mind, I also went down there to spend valentines day together with her and what ever other time we can drum up.

 

Well she knew I was coming friday night and for some dumb a$$ reason I thouht she would be some what excited to see me and want to spend time with me, when I get there she said wow you look good, I have lost weight cause I have been going to the gym allot, and she gave me a hug.

 

At first I thought to myself wow this is going great and I have only been here 10 minutes. I walked into the front room and a new lady friend was there who is about 15 years younger than her (21) and she was on the phone planning this night at the clubs in L.A.

 

As soon as I walked in there she tells my wife I need to speak to you in the back room. I was thinking what the hell is this? So I blew it off and figured it was nothing, well my wife comes out and said I am leaving for the night to clubbin'. I was sad that she chose to go clubbin' over spending some time with me, she goes clubbin all the time so I thought she could pass this time to spend time with me.

 

The next day I woke up telling myself to put all the anger and hurt behind me and to focus on me and her having a good valentines day together. Well she did not even call me till about 1:00pm and said she was feeling really tired but we will still go out and see a movie and get dinner as we planned.

 

I went and picked up some really beautiful flowers, a bear, and chocolates to give to her for valentines day. I gave them to her and she gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek, which I guess is better than nothing but she did it like she felt like she was obligated to.

 

We went out did our stuff and it was really quite and I can tell she kinda did not want to be there but I guess she toughed it out. We sat down to eat and I had a few drinks, which I never really do, and I was feeling a little tipsy and started to open up to her. I started to tell her how I felt and aksed how she felt ,without being needy, begging, or forcefull. We actually had a really good conversation about the kids, our past, and than we started to talk about our future.

 

The first thing she said is she really likes being by herslf and if she had to chose at that moment whether to be with me or be alone with the kids, she would choose to be alone. She said she is really scared to hurt me emotionally by divorcing me. I did not know what to say so I said nothing, I did not saying nothing on the ride home either.

 

I just do not know what to do, I do not want to give up on us but I feel why should I care so much if she cares so little? I feel like an idiot, weak, and so confused. I know anyone looking from the outside would say ditch her, but for some reason I have this emotional grasp that I cannot seem to let go of.

 

Should I keep trying until the ink meets the paper or should I give up and let her go clubbin' and do all the other things she is doing now? I really love her with all my heart and I really see her as my best friend!

 

I did tell her the most important thing to me is her happiness and if that means for to split our seperate ways than I will support that. She has never mentioned once she want a divorce but she sure acts like we already are.

[Enema]

What would you do?

 

I would divorce her immediately, get my life in order and move on.

 

I know she doesn't want me and is trolling clubs looking for fresh sausage. Hell, she might even throw me some scraps if she hits a dry spell, gets hormonal or has 1 or 2 bad experiences... but, I know deep down she's just playing me until the next random comes along to have fun with.

[ForumFool]

Hi I am new and certainly no relationship expert if you look in infidelity you will see why...But you seem like such a nice guy ....I think if I were you I would stay where you live and be open to any change in her I mean she was honest when she said she likes being alone...I would date others but not in a desperate way.....or get even way.....you may find someone in the meantime and be able to let this go.......and keeping your options open with her ...in case she comes to her senses but well I would not wait on her forever.....start to date and see where you end up.....I would not call her or send cards zero the ball is in her court and see what happens..

 

You may find someone you love and who loves you totally and forever ...you deserve that

[mendsley]

Thanks for your replies I just do not understand why if she wanted to divorce, has she not done it yet? I mean is she wanting me to do it so she can say that it was my idea not hers?

[quankanne]

she might not want to appear the "bad guy" to the kids or the family; she might be putting you aside as a back-up; she might not have thought that far ahead, only knows that she likes being alone and possibly expects YOU to make that decision for her.

 

as hard as this is to say, if she is not emotionally vested in this marriage – and has NO intention of doing anything to help heal it – you're better off cutting your losses by divorcing her. That doesn't mean you should be a jerk, because no matter what your marital status, you're still parenting together and it's in your best interest to be united on that front so that the kids aren't trying to figure out which way is up.

[husbndinthemaking]

It sounds like you are giving her the impression that she has hurt you and keeps hurting you. This will not work for you. You need to agree with nearly everything she says if you want her back. You also need to tell her you are going to clubs also. Show her you are a good catch and not waiting around for her. Zaxxes helped me alot. It might help you also.

[mendsley]

quankanne, I hate to think it, more the less to say it, but I know you are correct. I am just floating around waiting to see if she changes her mind and wants to come back to mem when in the back of my mind I already have my answer.

 

It hurts me everyday that she no longer calls to just talk but rather she needs help or about the kids. I know I am a good catch to any woman out there and I know I will not have a problem finding another person but something that bugs me is the fact we have gone thru so much good and bad in the last ten years.

 

That experience is what love is and I honostly believe that we can have such a live lasting relationship if she could see what I can see. I have tried to see what her plan is from her view and it only seems so temperary. The guys she will meet at clubs are all there for the one night stand and not there to create a lasting relationship, just saddens me.

 

I just do not understand all of this but I guess I don't have to understand but, accept what's going on.

[husbndinthemaking]

but I guess I don't have to understand but, accept what's going on.

 

You lost the battle with this attitude.

[mendsley]

You lost the battle with this attitude.

 

I do know what you are saying but, it is very difficult to try to persue her when she acts like I am nothing any more. She is nice to me and we do still get along but, she will not let it get any further.

 

My counselor told me to NOT be the person to finalze the divorce he said I would go thru life wondering what could of been.

 

I try all the time to do things for her, ask about her feelings, and provide from me what ever she needs. Maybe you are correct when you say I should show her that I can move on??

 

I guess maybe I am rushing things cause I want to end the pain, but maybe the right thing to do IS let things ride out and if she wants the divorce than I will do it, but until then maybe treat her like she treats me?

[mark982]

it's tuff, but she's out clubbung w/ younger ladies. tring to relive her youth so to speak. she's moved on,done,finished. keep your pride and quit chasing her.

[Mountains10]

it's tuff, but she's out clubbung w/ younger ladies. tring to relive her youth so to speak. she's moved on,done,finished. keep your pride and quit chasing her.

 

I agree with Mark, sounds like a mid life crisis. Nothing you can do really, from my experience. Let her do her thing and don't contact her unless you have to for the kids. From what all the experts say, she will eventually wake up, but in the meantime you have to let her find her own way. Her behavior won't make a lot of sense, don't try and rationalize it, just be somewhat supportive and not a doormat. Try to start working on making yourself happy without her.

[mendsley]

Thanks for all your replies

 

THe last couple of days have been so hard cause I feel like I have already lost her.

 

I feel what I should is like you are saying Mountains10 let her do her thing and focus on what is making me happy. I will not contact her unless it is a must, the kids have their own cell phones so there should be no reason to contact her.

 

I iknow the hardest thing for me is I know what she is doin and my mind is going to run like crazy so I hope it will not keep bringing me down

 

Any advice on NC would really help me out! Thanks again!

[mendsley]

I have another quick question, I am taking my children back to their mothers and after we have had our little conversation on valentines day I for some reason don't relly feel like talking to her.

 

I do not want to make it difficult between us but, I really don't know how I should act when I drop them off.

 

I am usually nice and want to stay and chat, but I feel like I should just drop them off and just leave?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I am usually nice and want to stay and chat, but I feel like I should just drop them off and just leave?

 

It's my understanding that NC means showing no emotion (positive or negative) when exchanging the kids. Now, if you are driving 10 hours to drop off the kids, I can understand the need to stop and relax before turning around and driving another 10. Priceline a hotel nearby if your have to. Avoid communication other than necessary communication for the kids...

[TrustInYourself]

quankanne, I hate to think it, more the less to say it, but I know you are correct. I am just floating around waiting to see if she changes her mind and wants to come back to mem when in the back of my mind I already have my answer.

 

It hurts me everyday that she no longer calls to just talk but rather she needs help or about the kids. I know I am a good catch to any woman out there and I know I will not have a problem finding another person but something that bugs me is the fact we have gone thru so much good and bad in the last ten years.

 

That experience is what love is and I honostly believe that we can have such a live lasting relationship if she could see what I can see. I have tried to see what her plan is from her view and it only seems so temperary. The guys she will meet at clubs are all there for the one night stand and not there to create a lasting relationship, just saddens me.

 

I just do not understand all of this but I guess I don't have to understand but, accept what's going on.

 

Press with the divorce. Press with getting another woman. Press with living your life. Stop telling her you love her. Stop doing things for her. Let her wonder. Let her miss you. Live your life.

 

And also, one date will not change her mind at all. Just relax about that.

 

Something you should be doing as well is forcing consequences on her. You pay for her place? You let her have the kids full time? What other nonsense does she think will end when she files? That's what is stopping her. Perhaps, she also has some reservations about your emotions. She doesn't want to hurt you, she obviously cares about you. But she doesn't love you. So how do you change pity into respect?

[mendsley]

So how do you change pity into respect?

 

GOOD QUESTION, I have been really thinking the last couple of days and my main thought has been what to do?

 

I can see how I must look to her, if I was looking in from the outside in, I would say I am being weak, needy, and what woman would want to be with that??

 

So I decided I am going to have NC!

 

I have tried and tried to work on us and after 5 months she has made NO decision to work on us. So maybe me not being in her life so directly would be good for the both of us.

 

How long should NC last, she is very hard headed. I can see this going on for a REALLY long time??

 

Thanks

 

MIKE

[SRV]

This will only work if she is willing to put in the time and effort, it takes two to tango. Either way, you have to work to improve and better yourself for you and not simply her.

 

This will benefit you in the longterm for your future relationships either with her or with someone else. Focus on yourself at the moment, you cannot force or make her become someone that she does want to or is incapable of becoming.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

How long should NC last, she is very hard headed. I can see this going on for a REALLY long time??

 

I would think for NC to truly be effective, you must be prepared for it to be a permanent measure. NC serves many purposes, but one of the most important ones is to isolate the ability of your partner to manipulate your thoughts, feeling, and emotions in regards to your relationship. For that to be effective, you simply cannot be in waiting for the moment she changes her mind...

[TrustInYourself]

I'll hit both those responses. You didn't leave her Mike. She left you.

 

So NC, okay, w/e. But your goal should be A) Improve your position as a father, by taking your kids and putting yourself in a position to be in their lives. B) Continue to improve your physical and mental attractiveness, by learning and working out. C) Take actions that increase your personal self-worth and happiness. D) Show her that you are not waiting for her to make a decision, make your own decision, and that's move on.

 

Yeah, you love your wife. She knows that. Yet she chooses to do other "things". Fine.

 

Take the love away. Take the respect away. Take the benefits away.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

May I recommend "Divorce Busting," by Michelle Weiner-Davis. If it does not help you in saving your marriage, alternately, it will help in walking away with your personal integrity and self esteem intact.

[TrustInYourself]

Simply put, create consequences for her.

[mendsley]

The reason I feel NC is something that should happen is this;

 

I have read about 6-8 books on how to win back your loved one and or better yourself after someone leaves you. "Divorce Busting" was one of the books I read. It does have really good information and I can see how it has improved me, but the only thing that seems to bring me down is....ME.

 

I will be doing good, especially after we have not talked for awhile. As soon as we talk I get mixed signals from her and I start to analize what she is saying and I can see myself starting to twist what she is saying into what I want to hear, not good.

 

I can honostly say that I have really improved myself, I have such a better relationship with all three of the kids, the two step children have a better relationship with me than they do with thier own fathers, every child has a different father, which has never bugged me.

 

I have been going to the gym and I can really see a difference with how I look, even my wife noticed and was like "wow you look really good"!

 

I have turned down woman on about 4 occasions while out with freinds, one even was begging to come home with me.

 

I can honostly say I am improving myself thru all of this and I can really say that this seperation has been a blessing in disguise.

 

The only two things in my life that are FU$KING with me is my finances and wife.

 

I think what is going to happen to me when she does meet someone new, I will completely devistated.

 

NC will hopefully give me the chance to distance myslef from her so I don't know what she is doing, and I guess give what is crucial right now and this is time.

 

I know time is the ultimate band-aid for what many of us that are going thru this so I am going to allow it.

 

Some of me wants her to think "Hey he has changed let me start talking to him" but, I am preparing my self for the opposite. She has been on this I don't need $hit from no one and I don't give a crap about nothing kick so I am sure she is gonna stick to her guns to proove a point to who ever she is impressing.

 

My counselor told me to let her hang herself with the divorce, what do people in here think about that advice??

[2sure]

Mendsley. I have followed ALL of your posts and I want to tell you something. This is not advice. I am simply going to give you information about your wife .

 

You sound like a such a sweet , empathetic, self aware man ...you would think she would realize what she is losing or at least notice your changes.

She didnt want you to become more sensitive.

She wanted you to beat her with your shoe, whether she knew it or not.

 

But you didnt, and of course, you cant start that now.

 

She isnt pushing for divorce because she doesnt want to be SINGLE.

Right now, your wife is enjoying the nightlife and attention. She is getting alot of attention because she is single BUT NOT. Get it? She is out there, but unavailable. This status makes her very attractive to men who would otherwise find a single mother with multiple children someone to run from.

When divorce makes her available, she will find herself on many first dates.

 

You have visitation with your CHILDREN - not with her.

She sees herself as and behaves like an EX. She sees you as a baby sitter and spending time with you as payment. As long as you maintain this necessary evil status, her view of you is going to be as...a necessary evil, an inconvenience, an obligation. Yuck.

[TrustInYourself]

The reason I feel NC is something that should happen is this;

 

I have read about 6-8 books on how to win back your loved one and or better yourself after someone leaves you. "Divorce Busting" was one of the books I read. It does have really good information and I can see how it has improved me, but the only thing that seems to bring me down is....ME.

 

I will be doing good, especially after we have not talked for awhile. As soon as we talk I get mixed signals from her and I start to analize what she is saying and I can see myself starting to twist what she is saying into what I want to hear, not good.

 

I can honostly say that I have really improved myself, I have such a better relationship with all three of the kids, the two step children have a better relationship with me than they do with thier own fathers, every child has a different father, which has never bugged me.

 

I have been going to the gym and I can really see a difference with how I look, even my wife noticed and was like "wow you look really good"!

 

I have turned down woman on about 4 occasions while out with freinds, one even was begging to come home with me.

 

I can honostly say I am improving myself thru all of this and I can really say that this seperation has been a blessing in disguise.

 

The only two things in my life that are FU$KING with me is my finances and wife.

 

I think what is going to happen to me when she does meet someone new, I will completely devistated.

 

NC will hopefully give me the chance to distance myslef from her so I don't know what she is doing, and I guess give what is crucial right now and this is time.

 

I know time is the ultimate band-aid for what many of us that are going thru this so I am going to allow it.

 

Some of me wants her to think "Hey he has changed let me start talking to him" but, I am preparing my self for the opposite. She has been on this I don't need $hit from no one and I don't give a crap about nothing kick so I am sure she is gonna stick to her guns to proove a point to who ever she is impressing.

 

My counselor told me to let her hang herself with the divorce, what do people in here think about that advice??

 

What does that bold statement tell me about her that you should come to grips with rather than doing NC?

 

You are not the consolation prize, so stop acting like one. You are the top priority. Treat yourself accordingly. Stop pissing on your own self-esteem. That's self-induced crap, because you feel like your actions played a major role in her decision. That's just not true. She decided this.

 

If you want her back, you'll act like she can't have you. That means dating and moving on. Yeah it sucks, but if you want to be happy and normal again, you will let go.

 

She gave it all up, not you. Let her deal with the consequences. Live it up. Go out and continue to improve. Use this crisis to come out a better man. So yeah, let her hang herself with the divorce. Don't press, just live and let live bro.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Keep in mind you cannot control her choices. During her past she has had 3 children with three different Dads, and currently cannot resist going out clubbing, etc; the picture you paint is of a lady who enjoys the company and attention of various men... I am not saying there is anything wrong with that. There are many men like that. Just realize that you should not be her doormat. You can fight for your marriage without fighting HER for the marriage.

 

Keep doing what you are doing. No need to seek the attention of other women at this time, as there will be plenty of other women if your marriage should go the route of divorce. Improve yourself, improve your relationship with your kids, etc.