Again about ex-wife ....

[2ndWife]

We have been constantly arguing about small issues since we got married (end of last year) I have always feel that he want to keep his family his and my family mine. Like he wants to support his daughters financially without having to discuss with me and he does not want to know anything about my side of the family. Our latest argument is about his ex-wife. Upon his return from his country, we went on to a nice restaurant to celebrate Valentine's Day. After reading a text message on his blackberry, from him to his ex-wife, I realized it's about her being listed in his insurance (health). He asked her whether she has her own private insurance and if she is still using his. I asked my H what the message is about and he said that after having divorced for 9 years the insurance company is still charging him for his ex-wife's insurance. And to do the right thing, he informed her and she called him back.

 

Now I am being very upset and we had a huge fight about this. To start of with, as this is not part of the divorce settlement, he could have just taken the name off without having to inform her because he told me they are not in speaking terms. And plus, I am paying for my own insurance here (in my country) and he's paying for his ex-wife's after divorced for so many years? Secondly we have not registered our marriage in his country (and he doesn't intend to) so there's no chance I will benefit from his insurance anyway. Third, he said his ex-wife asked about whether I am listed in his insurance and he told her that I am here so no, I am not.... which absolutely has nothing to do with his ex-wife and had eve upset me more.

 

So I said to him, please do not contact with your ex-wife unless it is about your adult daughters. And please give me her phone number. If you can not leave her alone, I will call her and ask her to leave you alone. And he responded by saying that I will only embarass myself by calling her.

 

Now I am seriously wondering... is there anything wrong about me being upset with this issue? I thought the marriage is about two people commiting to each other, combining two families, and being honest with each other. For a few times I feel that I am his ex-wife and his ex-wife is his wife. Am I wrong feeling this way?

[Ronni_W]

He may be deluding himself that you're not his legal wife in that country until he "registers" you someplace. I'd ask him with which department he thinks he needs to file such a "registration" -- and then do my own research to see if that is accurate. (To best of my knowledge, 'Immigration' won't care whether or not he has remarried UNTIL his new wife applies for residency.)

 

In any case, if there IS such a requirement, then he needs to register you, obviously. If this marriage is important to him, he would make the effort to establish you as his legal wife in every country in which he lives, and/or does business, and/or has any type of insurance or investments.

 

I think it was appropriate that he advise his ex that he's taking her off his insurance coverage. Yes, if you are eligible for health coverage under his plan, then you ought to be listed.

 

I agree that you both need to be involved in financial planning and decisions. I assume, though, that you would not object to supporting your step-daughter, and you are merely asking for equal consideration for his step-child(ren). You said your "side of the family" but I'm taking that to mean only your kid(s)...he does not have any duty to financially support any other of your family members.

 

To be honest, something doesn't feel right about how he is handling his affairs. Nor does it seem that he is recognizing his legal and financial (and mental-emotional) obligations and responsibilities to you, as YOUR husband.

 

Possibly you'll need to hire a marriage counselor to help you both resolve the problems in your relationship. Your concerns are valid, and you deserve to have them addressed.

[2ndWife]

Thank you Ronni for giving me great advise. I have been desperate these days as I have no idea how to make things better and honestly things seem to be getting worse each day.

 

He may be deluding himself that you're not his legal wife in that country until he "registers" you someplace. I'd ask him with which department he thinks he needs to file such a "registration" -- and then do my own research to see if that is accurate. (To best of my knowledge, 'Immigration' won't care whether or not he has remarried UNTIL his new wife applies for residency.)

 

In any case, if there IS such a requirement, then he needs to register you, obviously. If this marriage is important to him, he would make the effort to establish you as his legal wife in every country in which he lives, and/or does business, and/or has any type of insurance or investments.

 

I do search on the internet and found out the appropriate contact in his country for the marriage registration. I asked him to follow up on that but he seemed to be very passive about it. He told me ever since he got divorced with his ex-wife, he does not want to get married again as it's just "a piece of paper"; but if we do go back and live in his country, he will register. For us to be together here, I made my best effort to find out all the details, and applied for his residency here.... and I just don't know why he couldn't reciprocate.

 

I think it was appropriate that he advise his ex that he's taking her off his insurance coverage. Yes, if you are eligible for health coverage under his plan, then you ought to be listed.

 

I honestly do not object to this if he could tell me when it happened. I do not like it when I had to find out by reading his text message. I couldn't help but wonder how many things he hasn't been completely honest with me.

 

Interesting thing is that when we had an argument over this issue, while I could not be covered under his issurance, he asked me that he has not been covered under mine. In reality it takes 4 months for him to be able to enroll after he builds the residency... all in all it does not seem to be a fair game to me.

 

I agree that you both need to be involved in financial planning and decisions. I assume, though, that you would not object to supporting your step-daughter, and you are merely asking for equal consideration for his step-child(ren). You said your "side of the family" but I'm taking that to mean only your kid(s)...he does not have any duty to financially support any other of your family members.

 

I do not have any kids and this is my first marriage. That's why it's hard for me to understand some of the issues and how to handle them. None of my family members are his responsibilities and they never ask for aything. I did not even say a word when he decided himself to pay for his daughters' boy friends plane tickets and accommodations so they can come along with his daughters to attend our wedding reception here. I only hope that he can at least inform me so that I don't feel I need to also financially support us so he can have more money to support his adult daughter's new business or help his ex-wife to buy a new car without my knowledge... stuff like that.

 

To be honest, something doesn't feel right about how he is handling his affairs. Nor does it seem that he is recognizing his legal and financial (and mental-emotional) obligations and responsibilities to you, as YOUR husband.

 

I think he's somehow emotionally attached to his ex-wife, even though he said since the day they separated and she brought in the bf to the house he paid for, they would never be together again. He said he only consider his ex-wife the mother of his children. Nothing more. I told a couple of friends about my issues and a friend of mine said that my H is maybe guilty of something. Don't know.

 

Possibly you'll need to hire a marriage counselor to help you both resolve the problems in your relationship. Your concerns are valid, and you deserve to have them addressed.

 

Not easy to find an English speaking counselor in this country but I did mention this to him. He did not agree to go for marriage counseling as he said it did not work before in his previous marriage and how will counseling be helping this time?

[Ronni_W]

He told me ever since he got divorced with his ex-wife, he does not want to get married again as it's just "a piece of paper"; but if we do go back and live in his country, he will register.

A bit too late for that NOW, isn't it? Whether or not he WANTED to get married again, he freakin' well did get married again! So now all that's left for him to do is act like a husband because that is the role he CHOSE when he got married to you.

He did not agree to go for marriage counseling as he said it did not work before

It has the chance of working now because: [1] You are not his ex-wife, [2] It will be with a different counselor, [3] You assume that he has done some personal growth since then, and [4] You do not believe that his current and future success is limited by any outcomes he achieved (or did not achieve) in the past.

 

He is withholding a lot from you. Forget about his ex-wife...she is NOT the major problem in your marriage. HE is. Forget about your adult step-daughter. His secrecy and lack of acting like your husband is the major problem.

 

I suspect that you have your own ideas about what is going on, why he married you even though he says he never wanted to remarry, etc.

Trust your Intuition. Do what it is telling you to do.

[2ndWife]

A bit too late for that NOW, isn't it? Whether or not he WANTED to get married again, he freakin' well did get married again! So now all that's left for him to do is act like a husband because that is the role he CHOSE when he got married to you.

It has the chance of working now because: [1] You are not his ex-wife, [2] It will be with a different counselor, [3] You assume that he has done some personal growth since then, and [4] You do not believe that his current and future success is limited by any outcomes he achieved (or did not achieve) in the past.

 

Thanks a lot Ronni that is great point. Sometimes I am so tired of having to fight for everything so I just accept what he tells me. But I forget that I am fighting for my future and the life that I always wanted so I'll continue introducing the idea to him. Thank you.

 

I suspect that you have your own ideas about what is going on, why he married you even though he says he never wanted to remarry, etc.

Trust your Intuition. Do what it is telling you to do.

 

I do have my own theory Ronni. But for the time being I prefer to work on the issues in our marriage and hopefully anything positive that I will bring to the marriage will finally make us both a better person and a better partner for each other.

[RecordProducer]

So we have a husband who is NOT in speaking terms with his ex, with whom he has two daughters. He says he has no feelings for her and they've been divorced for 9 years. You feel like she is his wife and not you because he's paying for her health insurance. This sounds like a financial matter to me, not at all romantic. Yet you never mention how wealthy he is, how his ex and daughters live and how much the insurance in that country costs. If he is wealthy and the insurance is peanuts, then what's the big deal?

 

Do you two live in one country, but the ex and daughters in another? Who mkaes more money, you or him? What percentage of HIS income goes to his daughters?

 

If you're married in one country, why do you have to re-marry in his country? I don't understand some things. Can you please clarify?

[OWoman]

If you're married in one country, why do you have to re-marry in his country? I don't understand some things. Can you please clarify?

 

It's not remarrying, it's registering the marriage, if I understand correctly.

 

My H and I married in my country, for a number of reasons (mostly because the law in my country is far more progressive than in his - and it's summer!) and I have right to remain (residency) in his country based on our marriage. But there are some legal matters which would require us to register the marriage here in his country should I want to access the benefits that flow from them - private health insurance being one.

[2ndWife]

So we have a husband who is NOT in speaking terms with his ex, with whom he has two daughters. He says he has no feelings for her and they've been divorced for 9 years. You feel like she is his wife and not you because he's paying for her health insurance. This sounds like a financial matter to me, not at all romantic. Yet you never mention how wealthy he is, how his ex and daughters live and how much the insurance in that country costs. If he is wealthy and the insurance is peanuts, then what's the big deal?

 

Do you two live in one country, but the ex and daughters in another? Who mkaes more money, you or him? What percentage of HIS income goes to his daughters?

 

If you're married in one country, why do you have to re-marry in his country? I don't understand some things. Can you please clarify?

 

First of all thanks for responding

 

My issue is that in some cases my expectations are not exactly what the reality is. My expectations are based on the facts that my husband told me - and if it's different from reality then it means he's lying to me. Being dishonest is a big deal to me. And why is he lying? I don't know. Maybe he assumes that I will be upset; or maybe he's hiding a lot more things which he simply does not want me to know. Hey, we are married.... so that upsets me.

 

We are doing reasonably OK. He has a few properties in his country and we are now living in an apartment which I bought before I met him. He has also an apartment here but since it's not in the condition for anyone to move in yet, and where I live has a lot more to offer than where his apartment is, we never bother considering the option of staying there. As for our individual contribution to our finance, I am not actually contributing the real cash as I am currently seeking employment after I closed my business last year. However since we do not have to pay rent and it would cost us about 40% of our total monthly expense if we do, I would say approximately he contributes 60%. As for his daughters, he said he's not supporting them anymore as they are 26/25 already, I don't really know. I have no access to any of his financial records and all I can do is to believe him. But I am aware he's been paying for their house renovations (he bought them the houses), trips, stuff like that.... I don't see how our financial situation is related to the fact that I am upset with him not wanting to jointly discuss these things with me. But I am willing to get new perspectives -

 

As for re-marrying him in his country, thanks for OW for the clarification. Yes I did mean registering our marriage. And we do live in one country while his daughters and ex live in another.

[justpassingthrough]

Secondly we have not registered our marriage in his country (and he doesn't intend to) so there's no chance I will benefit from his insurance anyway.

 

What kind of marriage isn't registered and why on earth wouldn't he register it?

[headlesschicken]

the whole situation which you caused a fight over has nothing to do with you. nothing. your comparing is what is hurting you. stop comparing yoruself to her--you are two separate women with two separate relationships to this man.

[BUENG1]

We have been constantly arguing about small issues since we got married (end of last year) I have always feel that he want to keep his family his and my family mine. Like he wants to support his daughters financially without having to discuss with me and he does not want to know anything about my side of the family. Our latest argument is about his ex-wife. Upon his return from his country, we went on to a nice restaurant to celebrate Valentine's Day. After reading a text message on his blackberry, from him to his ex-wife, I realized it's about her being listed in his insurance (health). He asked her whether she has her own private insurance and if she is still using his. I asked my H what the message is about and he said that after having divorced for 9 years the insurance company is still charging him for his ex-wife's insurance. And to do the right thing, he informed her and she called him back.

 

Now I am being very upset and we had a huge fight about this. To start of with, as this is not part of the divorce settlement, he could have just taken the name off without having to inform her because he told me they are not in speaking terms. And plus, I am paying for my own insurance here (in my country) and he's paying for his ex-wife's after divorced for so many years? Secondly we have not registered our marriage in his country (and he doesn't intend to) so there's no chance I will benefit from his insurance anyway. Third, he said his ex-wife asked about whether I am listed in his insurance and he told her that I am here so no, I am not.... which absolutely has nothing to do with his ex-wife and had eve upset me more.

 

So I said to him, please do not contact with your ex-wife unless it is about your adult daughters. And please give me her phone number. If you can not leave her alone, I will call her and ask her to leave you alone. And he responded by saying that I will only embarass myself by calling her.

 

Now I am seriously wondering... is there anything wrong about me being upset with this issue? I thought the marriage is about two people commiting to each other, combining two families, and being honest with each other. For a few times I feel that I am his ex-wife and his ex-wife is his wife. Am I wrong feeling this way?

 

Did he realize he was still paying for his exwife on his insurance before today? I don't think its unreasonable to call her and tell she's off in the insurance. I mean what if she gets hurt and doesn't have insurance. I mean even if he hates her seems like the right thing to do.