next step after no contact?

[buffnub]

heres a seemingly loaded question... and ill give the short breakdown like everyone here does (btw, ive been reading the no-contact posts for about 6 weeks now... thanks for the strength)

 

- me n ex-fiance together 4 years.

- she left the day after xmas - after i became too involved with work and ignored 'us'

- we talked for the first 2 weeks after the breakup about all kinds of openness we never expressed in the past year, really deep and good stuff. I mean the type of stuff where 2 people decide that the journey of life together with that type of support makes a relationship worthwhile. (but alot of resentment for the past year)

- since the breakup ive been going to therapy to deal with work/life balance and have been back in the gym, doing medation and other spirtual things to get back to my centered core, and being very aware of how bad the situation got, and have great support from family, friends, and even her for me going through this awareness and change. Ive even offered to be there for her in some of the issues she wants to work on for her own feeling of balance.

- 4 weeks ago, i decided to go no contact after discussions about us began to start to become painful and difficult because of alot of built up resentment in her

- 2 weeks ago, i removed her from my facebook friends list, and sent her a simple - 'i removed you, but its not out of anger'

 

that was met with a reply of 'you must be really f* p**sed'

 

i let it go for a few days, but had to break no contact, and sent out a 5-pager email. the meat of which was me telling her what i thought of her current situation, and the fact that she revealed to me that she got lost in her relationship with me, and her dealing with being a strong and confident person on her own without my support, etc. i ended it with a long breakdown of my feelings, basically with this message - 'i love you, and because i do, im letting you go as you wanted, and i wont be calling or emailing or trying to prove that i love you, because that is loving my feelings and not respecting yours'

 

that got a pretty rough reply filled with alot of rebuttals to my apparently incorrect assumptions. then a revelation that she found some exbf from 8 years ago on facebook and was gonna give it a second chance. not to begin dating him, but to open the door at the chance.

 

i sent her another introspective reply to those rebuttals and reiterated my stance on letting her be and wishing her the best on whatever it is she does.

 

this friday i get a short one saying that she was wrong in saying those things and that she did really love me once and wanted to spend her life, and etc etc, but decided to leave when she thought my work related issues would be permanent.

 

i havnt replied, and didnt make plans to. i am back in no contact as all the things that need to be said have been said.

 

that was until this morning, when i got another email from her.

 

she sent a youtube video of some funny things her and i would enjoy together. then said word for word - 'I miss you and I hope you are doing well. That long email was a little

f**d up...seeing as I was a little drunk and f**d up myself. I apologize for it. Never do the drunken email thing!"

 

now... for the question about this other guy (cuz i know someone here will bring it up). here is what i know for absolute fact (only because he is a dude who posts everything on facebook).

 

she is not dating anyone. she is going out. alot. and enjoying hanging out with old friends, making new ones, and being a flirty fun girl (always has been). she has told him explicitly that he has no chance at dating her for a long time... only because she does not want to date anyone (same thing she told me).

 

my question (ha!!) -

should i continue to keep this door open? do i reply to her 'i miss you' with anything?

 

if you want to know where my state of mind is - its this. im going to continue down my path and keep making these changes for myself with or without her. i can live with or without her. but, our relationship was one of perfection with a well balanced amount of honesty, love, closeness, apartness, respect, and great sexual chemistry as well. that all changed when i began to get too involved with my business, and she gave up herself to help in that. we both know and understand that. if the chance came up for us to open communication back to a more relaxed level and talk about dating again, i would say yes with some reservations, being that i wouldnt jump back into things like they were when we were together, and woulnt have her move back in, and wouldnt even bring up the engagement because that relationship is dead, and a new one would have to begin to even consider those types of things.

 

this is the typical part.. the more i move away as far as communication goes, and as far as telling her im leaving her to herself, the stronger her draw is to me and willingness to communicate in some form... even though its in her head that she wants to move on, its in her heart to keep talking.... i know the game of attraction works that way, and although im not playing a 'game' because there are alot of things im working on for me and myself so i can be happy, i do understand and appreciate her confiding in that she is missing me.

 

thoughts?