Inappropriate?

[pparrott]

H & I are separated - But, since about November we have been plugging along & working things out & have talked about living together again.

I thought it was going great!

2 things happened this weekend that have me rather miffed

1 when we were out to dinner on Friday evening - a 'girl' maybe in her early 20's that he knows from about 2 or so years ago......ran up & gave him her phone number & her days off & told him...Whenever you're out call me & we'll have a drink. This happened right in front of me.

2nd thing that happened- I found out that he sent 2 dozen roses to "a friend - also female-young" ...I found out on Friday & kept my mouth shut until I could do some investigating...When I confirmed this I confronted him & the girl that he sent the flowers to.

His answer is "She's just a friend & is going thru a really tough time (like I"M not) I didn't even sign the card so she wouldn't get in trouble in case she got back together with her bf"...Also said "I can't ever do anything nice for people or my friends & you get mad about it"....Now, I ask you -

HOW INAPPROPRIATE IS THIS.....2 dozen roses - 2 days before Valentines' Day?.......(eyes rolling)

He said he didn't mean to hurt me........What if I didn't find out - It's all good? I know it's inappropriate, he still doesn't see EITHER episode as wrong..........I'm SO stupid to think that we could put things back together. I'm furious. My heart is pounding!!!!!

[edgeof27]

pparrott,

 

seems like he's had time to move on,

 

it's time for you to let go of him,

 

it's time for no futher contact with him other than through the lawyers,

 

it's time for you to focus on you,

 

no more time to waste,

 

it's over,

 

g....

[pparrott]

Kinda what I was thinking too...........Except he says NO. He wants us to work...wants us to be together.........Loves me......

This girl is JUST A FRIEND....trying to help a friend that has had a hard time lately. - - His words

[Trimmer]

Except he says NO. He wants us to work...wants us to be together.........Loves me......

What about what you want? What do you want?

[pparrott]

I was doing everything in my power to reconcile. Not screwing up. Lord knows I've done my share. But I moved out a year ago & I am right back to where I was then.

I want it to work. I love him.

[husbndinthemaking]

I was doing everything in my power to reconcile. Not screwing up. Lord knows I've done my share. But I moved out a year ago & I am right back to where I was then.

I want it to work. I love him.

 

If you truly love him, let him go. He is not worth your time.

 

Personally? I would have kicked him in the balls and left him there for dead.

 

If my wife had done that to me right in front of my face, I would have decked her. No doubt.

[whichwayisup]

2 dozen roses afew days before Valentine's Day? Uhhh, he must think you're stupid. (You're not stupid at all, HE is!) Call him on his bullcrap he's feeding you and make a rule, NO other people involved while you're trying to work things out. IF he can't commit to that, then cut him out of your life, let him see what life will be like without you in it. He can't have his cake and eat it too, expect that you're going to be around while he goes off meeting other women and sending them flowers. That's selfish of him. It sounds like he's keeping his options open and enjoying freedom.

[carhill]

Another great example of separation leading to divorce

 

IMO, don't ever separate without concurrent MC if you want to see your M succeed.

 

My sympathies regarding the flowers. That was a low blow...

[2sunny]

who cares what he's saying! his actions are telling YOU everything!

 

his actions tell that YOU are not his only interest and that he will do what he wants - when he wants - the way he wants to.

 

his actions also say that you are NOT the priority.

 

divorce him, this is not a man that respects you or your marriage... he's banking on you settling for the crap he dishes out, and trying to pass it along as adequate enough for you to stay.

 

it's not adequate - AT ALL.

 

as a side note - did he get you anything for V-Day? was it much better than the two dozen roses for "a friend?"

 

sending a gift or going to dinner right before or after V-Day means she is his OW. everyone knows that - he was just hiding it from you. the fact that he's hiding it is a problem in itself.

[pparrott]

We agreed not to get each other anything. Finances are a bit in the crapper....We may lose our house.--Of course that's probably MY fault because I was the one that moved out......Anyway He apparently has enough money to send flowers....(2 GD DOZEN ROSES)-- sheesh - blows my mind.

 

I got him a card - He got me nothing. Took me out to dinner (nice gesture) - right up until the girl gave him her phone number.

I'm just amazed how when all of this is presented HE still sees nothing wrong with any of it. He stands by "I've done NOTHING wrong, they are just my friends"

It just floors me!!!

We did go to marriage counseling in the spring last year. It did (at the time) keep us from killing each other. BUT - I do not think that he respects ME or the MARRIAGE.

And since his 'daytime hours' are his own....I can't say that I could ever trust again!

[overseas2004]

The answer is yes it is inappropriate and I suspect that if you allow him to do this and use this excuse you are just opening yourself up to having him cross your boundaries again in the future, leading you to a possible unahppy marriage again. Stand your ground and if he doesnt want to stop seeing others and sending them flowers then you are better off without him.

[2sunny]

He got me nothing.

 

because you are not the priority - she is. actions... his actions say SHE is the priority.

 

 

He apparently has enough money to send flowers....(2 GD DOZEN ROSES)-- sheesh - blows my mind.

 

doesn't surprise me, his actions say his attention and effort is with her. you are putting up with a man that sees you as a second thought and not his interest or priority. you are just a convenience for him... willing to be the doormat no matter what he says or does - he has you to crap on. just expect more of the same from him if you stay.

 

this is not love or what a healthy marriage looks like... just so you know.

 

and to overseas... he can't cross her boundary if there is NO BOUNDARY!!! one needs to be set first.

[pparrott]

I have an appt. this evening with a counselor. What I'm hoping to accomplish is to KNOW what my feelings are & to be able to set those bounderies & STICK TO THEM.

I always doubt myself......If we argue about this -he makes it my fault.....twists it around like I"m the bad guy. (How dare ME get upset when HE is just being nice to his friends.)

I feel stupid - that I have not gone with my gut feelings on situations just like this one.

I did move out & within about 3 months - we were back to spending a lot of time together & going counseling - making it like a DATE NIGHT....go to counseling & then have dinner together. So the reality is there hasn't been much of a SEPARATION....I'll tell you all - I'm terrified of being alone, finances, what if's in the world. I don't have a plethura of friends to pull from for support.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

It's only natural to be worried about your situation.

 

Be glad that you got out now... From hearing your side of the story, my perception is that the guy is a total absolute lying dog!

 

I don't think you have children together, if that is the case, you have even more to be thankful for.

 

Good luck, be strong, work on yourself, you are worthy of better!

[2sunny]

we are here to help and support you and YOUR happiness!

 

figure out what a healthy boundary is tonight when you see the counselor and stick to it.

 

i can almost guarantee you though, it won't include your so called husband ( i can hardly refer to him as a H because that's not what he's acting like).

 

to be alone is not a bad thing. it gives me a sense of peace and serenity that i've never known. (i was married 20 years)

 

i can do what i want - when i want - with who i want --- without HIM giving me a bad time. and i get to make my days - happy days... with NO INTERFERENCE from him.

[pparrott]

Thank you all.

 

We have been married 28 years. Yes, we do have 2 kids - both grown. That's partly where the scary part comes in. Married so long, never alone. Fear of the unknown is very real. And when you love someone the way I have loved him & tryed for so long.....Scary!

 

I am hoping for the best.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Has he been faithful for 28 years (to your knowledge)?

 

From your post I thought you were both around the age of 28 (late 20's, early 30's)...

 

What kind of married (separated I guess) man in his late 40's, early 50's sends roses to 20 yr olds? Sounds creepy to me... even if they are just friends!

[lostsoulmate]

If you truly love him, let him go. He is not worth your time.

 

Personally? I would have kicked him in the balls and left him there for dead.

 

If my wife had done that to me right in front of my face, I would have decked her. No doubt.

 

 

Does she know you would hit her? Yikes. Husband in the making.... this is scary.

[2sunny]

the reality is that you have been married 28 years.

 

he has not been ACTING married though.

[pparrott]

I kinda thought creepy too.

I don't believe that he has cheated. If he did it's been years ago.

We have been separated for a solid year next month. And, I was lead to believe he was working towards us getting back together. He says he loves me all the time. I guess - Since we are separated....WHY bother with the I love you's to me if there is someone else waiting in the wings?

I don't know......I'm dreading that he might call this evening (we were supposed to have dinner tonight).....We'll See...Could get interesting here in a bit.

[edgeof27]

We agreed not to get each other anything. Finances are a bit in the crapper....We may lose our house.--Of course that's probably MY fault because I was the one that moved out......Anyway He apparently has enough money to send flowers....(2 GD DOZEN ROSES)-- sheesh - blows my mind.

 

I got him a card - He got me nothing. Took me out to dinner (nice gesture) - right up until the girl gave him her phone number.

I'm just amazed how when all of this is presented HE still sees nothing wrong with any of it. He stands by "I've done NOTHING wrong, they are just my friends"

It just floors me!!!

We did go to marriage counseling in the spring last year. It did (at the time) keep us from killing each other. BUT - I do not think that he respects ME or the MARRIAGE.

And since his 'daytime hours' are his own....I can't say that I could ever trust again!

 

pparrott

 

sorry for juming in again,

 

but this part;

 

"We did go to marriage counseling in the spring last year. It did (at the time) keep us from killing each other".

 

just screams "GET OUT NOW",

 

having read more of your posts, he is playing you, &, taking you for granted,

 

waste no more time on this guy,

 

g....

[2sunny]

I kinda thought creepy too.

I don't believe that he has cheated. If he did it's been years ago.

We have been separated for a solid year next month. And, I was lead to believe he was working towards us getting back together. He says he loves me all the time. I guess - Since we are separated....WHY bother with the I love you's to me if there is someone else waiting in the wings?

I don't know......I'm dreading that he might call this evening (we were supposed to have dinner tonight).....We'll See...Could get interesting here in a bit.

 

he HAS cheated! this is what you don't see. if he is keeping her a secret then there is something to hide. thus, he's cheating.

 

whether or not he actually has had sex with someone else is also beside the point. the time and energy he has put into "other interests" shows that he has at the minimum had an emotional affair going. EA is usually more of a violation to your marriage than a PA (physical affair).

 

the time and mental energy he was supposed to be putting into your M has been spent on someone(s) else. that is why there has been no progress from his end on making the M happy or healthy. his words don't match his actions - that tells you there is a lot more going on than he lets you understand.

 

he may be present - but his mind is somewhere else. does that make sense?

 

he may not be capable of giving you what you want... have you considered that as a reality? this is where your healthy boundary will come into play... doesn't matter what he is or isn't doing, you have to figure out how to be happy no matter what he has going on.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

He says he loves me all the time. I guess - Since we are separated....WHY bother with the I love you's to me if there is someone else waiting in the wings?

 

I can believe he loves you... after 28 years it's only natural! That doesn't mean he's not a lying dog who loves you!

[pparrott]

Thanks guys...all of you - You do all have interesting things to say & most are right on the money.

Counseling last night - did make me feel better - somewhat. Right off the bat she validated what I said about the flowers (not that I needed validation) - But it's wrong.....on so many levels it's almost laughable.

The counselor doesn't think that I have the tools to walk away right now & stay away. If that is what I choose to do. She thinks he definitely has character flaw & maybe doesn't have the capability to be a husband or be in love. He obviously for years has manipulated me into thinking that he is always right. (ie: she is just a friend - how can my sending her flowers be wrong) Well, I know that he isn't - which is the part that is making me so crazy (this isn't the first 'incicent' - but you all probably figured that one out on your own!! ha ha)

In the mean time - I did not speak to my husband after yesterday morning - he texted me last night when he got home "me home!"...I cannot even think about talking to him - mostly because I know I will say the wrong things & be right back in the same trap I was in. So, staying silent now is probably my best bet. I'll let you all know if he decides he wants to say he's sorry.................Ha! Ha! Ha! (ok ya'all...quit laughing)

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

...I cannot even think about talking to him - mostly because I know I will say the wrong things & be right back in the same trap I was in. So, staying silent now is probably my best bet.

 

Exactly. Work on yourself and do things you enjoy - do not allow yourself to be manipulated by him anymore.