Enema Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Call the roses woman and ask for her version of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 OH MY DOG!!!! (this sounds sooooo 'Déjà vu') Stop being his doormat.. and stand for yourself.. geeezzz... What's wrong with women these days.. hasn't he done enough? He's laughing right in your face.. and you let him.. He has no money for you.. BUT he has all the money in the world for other 'girls'.. what a jerk! Come on.. you need a slap across the head.. don't be so gullible.. he's feeding you all these lies to get back with you.. because he knows you very well.. (and from what I read here) he knows he can use and abuse you all he wants.. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Call the roses woman and ask for her version of it. sure - why not at this point! doesn't seem like you're going to get the truth from him, so how can he be angry for confirming with her what the deal is. let her do the talking - silence on your end will make her want to chatter away after you ask the initial question. if he gets upset for asking her - then they aren't "just friends." his reaction will tell you if he's hiding something. call her. don't tell him ahead of time you're planning to call. i'm sure you can find her number on his cell phone... Link to post Share on other sites
suzanne2009 Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 I understand the fear of being alone. I was only married a short time, and was fiercly independant before I married. Once I decided to get married, I poured all of my energy into the marriage. I let myself and my relationship with friends slide. Thankfully, they have all fogiven me and I am now back in the "circle of trust". I am now diligently working on recreating myself for myself. That is what you need to be doing now. Channel the fear into other activities for you that you enjoy. You will be rewarded 100 million times more than you will be channeling it into him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 17, 2009 Author Share Posted February 17, 2009 I'm laughing Lizzie - I know I need a 'slap across the head'...or a reality check at the very least. I did confront the "flower girl" she said they are just friends too & that since he didn't sign the card she was grateful to know who they had come from (& that was before she knew who I was...so she had no reason to lie..remember, she thought I was from ProFlowers checking on the order) I haven't spoken to him since around 10 yesterday - he did call this afternoon & I texted back for him to not call me until i could think clearly. This is a NEW dance for him. He's not used to me not being confrontational, not flying off the handle. Perhaps several days cool off will make him think twice about how 2 DOZEN ROSES TO A FRIEND (eyes rolling) is worth throwing his whole marriage down the crapper!! I am, of course, by nature, curious what he would have to say after several days of no talking. We have been together for 31 years, & I do know this behavior is UNEXCUSABLE! & bordering UNFORGIVABLE!...& for him to dismiss it the way that he did yesterday........oh well. We shall see:D Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 honey, you do realize it's not really just about the roses, right? look at the big picture here. he has been disrespecting and disregarding you for a long time - and you allowed him to. once you stop allowing this bad behavior in all areas of your life - things will begin to get better for you. no one deserves to be treated the way he has been treating you - especially someone who's supposed to "love you." his version of love is very twisted. you deserve better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Why did you move out? What did you expect? Acceptance is a difficult thing to learn when you love someone, but want something more. Is he cheating? Or is it just being flirty with other women? Are you committed to him and does he know that unequivocally? If he knew you were committed to him and the marriage, would his actions change? Or is this just more of the same. You present a picture of the situation, but your husband surely has his side as well. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Why were counselors getting in the way of your reconciliation? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 carhill - The counselor didn't get in the way of reconciliation - she helped some.....ignored some of the "issues" ... but that's all hind site - didn't see it at the time. Trust - I moved out because of his extensive drinking pattern that was escelating. I couldn't take being alone every evening M-F because he was passed out. The work he does allows him hours of free time in the afternoons & therefore he would spend those hours at bars & be pretty drunk by 5:00 when I got home from work. (His excuse is, "Those are my friends" & "What else was I supposed to do until you got home") I was hoping that he would come to his senses once I was gone & grow up. sunny - Yep, I know that it's not just about the roses. Not an issue IF we weren't trying to patch things up. But we were. He would say all the right things, sometimes act in all the right ways. He manipulates me to think that everything that he does has an explaination & I just see things in the negative & that I just don't want him to have friends. In the 4 days since the "Flower" incident, I have had a lot of "A-HA Moments"....We still haven't spoken to each other....He text messages me - like last night again "I know you don't care....but i'm home" I came pretty close to texting back....HEY why don't you text R & tell her you're home I'm sure SHE cares.........But instead of being sarcastic (which is hard for me - I've become pretty bitter, sarcastic, cynical about all of this) I'm trying to work this thru in my head so that IF we do sit down & have a conversation in the next week .... that I don't go balistic on him. I am dealing with anxiety thru the day & not sleeping much at night right now. I know all of this will pass.........Like a kidney stone........but it'll pass. Thanks to all of you - It does help for me to "talk" about it. Link to post Share on other sites
jimmyclicious Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Has anyone thought that maybe she really is a friend. I have friends I do nice things for all the time. Is that so bad? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 We get along pretty well for the most part NOW. It's better this time than the last (no counselors getting in the way of things now) http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t177175/ Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Guess I misspoke. Perhaps at the time I felt that she was getting in the way of our progress. I believe differently now. Hind-site is 20/20. I think she helped...but not a great deal. Not 4 months worth at $100 a pop. That's for sure. I type a lot here when I am....in the heat of the moment.. But LoveShack does help. As do others opinions. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Tell me about the dynamic with male counselors. There is a difference, especially for your husband, given your generational age. Also, were any of these counselors psychologists? Our MC focused on the M and our individual psychologies. Very little time was spent on extraneous subjects like inappropriate friendships and outside influences (family, friends, etc). He prioritized the M. How do you feel about that approach? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 She was just a therapist. I don't know her credentials. She saw both of us individually on a few occasions as well. We talked of inappropriate behaviors, past behaviors, kids, how we both grew up, what things made us happy.... She never once said "That's wrong...or That's right" ... she would always ask back to us......What do you think?....Not sure if I'm anwering your question...or perhaps I don't understand the question. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 IMO, it's important that the counselor be the proper fit for the emotional and intellectual styles of the participants. We were referred by a friend of my wife's who is a psychologist and knew me well enough to recommend a man who matched my intellectual and emotional style. He was a great mirror. Very proactive. Suggested new ideas and tools to try. Very intelligent. Remembered details of sessions over a long period of time (we went for over a year). Your situation and styles will necessarily be different. The important thing IMO is finding clarity. Seeing each other clearly. This is critical when your love still exists, to preserve it and prevent distractions from killing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 I used to believe that love could conquer all. But I am beginning to think that's not so much the truth anymore. I do love him. But his actions show - to me - he may very well be out of love with me, or he just doesn't understand married love anymore...I don't know. Either-or...it's the price we pay for separating. It could work for some---it could backfire for others. I wanted it to work ~ not 100% sure now. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 IMO, the love must be mutual for the work to have a healthy result. FWIW, we separated briefly (a couple months) about a year ago and our MC worked diligently to get us back within the same house, simply because distance made it easier to avoid the work and interaction. He was right Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 As if things couldn't get any worse........they have!! Guess I shouldn't be so surprised - all things considered. So....to all of you who have been supportive with your thoughts & advice....I thank you!!....Now wish me luck to stand on my own two feet!! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 He doesnt and will not see that he did anything wrong or inapproriate because he has no empathy. He is unable to see beyond himself, his own needs and wants. He is narcissist to the point that he doesnt even bother concealing his guilt - his sense of entitlement is astonishing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 It's the drinking........His brain is pickled!!! He doesn't know what he's doing - nor does he care at this point in the game. So, I have to learn to not be addicted to him & the drama that he creates around himself - (that only the outside world can see....he can't) Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 It's the drinking........His brain is pickled!!! He doesn't know what he's doing - nor does he care at this point in the game. So, I have to learn to not be addicted to him & the drama that he creates around himself - (that only the outside world can see....he can't) ok, now this makes a bit more sense to me. what is he doing that he's not aware of? how much does he drink and how often? how do you react to it all? sometimes to take "a reaction" out of the mix can make it better - just by not reacting. does that make sense? no reaction is an action. there's no need for you to run around making things all better when he creates the chaos. that's for him to deal with. this might be new or uncomfortable for you but it does work. they become so used to us FIXING all the crappy situations they create that they hold no responsibility or consequence for the chaos they create. have you ever gone to an Al-Anon meeting? Link to post Share on other sites
Author pparrott Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 I have never been to an al-anon meeting. I thought about it - Just never did. He drinks every day. Sometimes beginning as early as noon. Like yesterday for instance, he was on his way home by 3:15 in the afternoon & it was very apparent that he was drunk. I phoned around 5 to see if he was ok - & finally around 7 he answered -still apparently inebriated. (He was at home passed out - I know this because I drove to our home to make sure - yep probably shouldn't have - but he doesn't know I did it & knowing he was still breathing put my mind at ease) I have reacted to his drinking (for the last 2 or so years) From being a total Bia**h....to not caring at all. Nothing worked. So I moved out. I had hoped that being apart would "shake him back to reality"...That obviously hasn't worked either. He says he wants us to be back together full time & that he loves me. But as you have said, there really have been NO concequences to his actions...& that is in part due to the fact that he turns everything around -by saying things like..... You're the one that just can't relax & enjoy life. You don't like that i do nice things for my friends....Which is where my self-doubt comes into play. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 the chances of this working out or even getting better are so slim as long as he continues to drink. you would REALLY benefit from an Al-Anon meeting. please try to go... it will really help you. Link to post Share on other sites
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