Unsure about the next step

[Spineman696]

I pre-warn you, this will hit many of you the wrong way...as it should. But that doesn't change the facts. This is a very real issue that I am dealing with and I am unsure as to the next step.

 

I have been married to my wife now for 8 years. We got married when I was 19, she 20...engaged after 1 month of dating and married less than a year later. We had our first child 6 months after being married and now have 3 children who are 8, 4, and 2. I have been in medical school now for 2 years in a state a long way from what we consider home.

 

So there's the history. Now the problem....I hate saying this, hate admitting it...but I don't know what else to do. I have significant feelings for another woman. And my wife is amazing, she truly is. I realize all of the hell she's gone through in the past for me, and I feel like such an a** for doing this. But it is what it is.

 

I have been friends with a certain person in my class since last year. Always joking around, goofing, stuff like that. She is not an extremely attractive woman, my wife is actually much more beautiful than she is. However, there is something there. At first, it was just friendship. And I need to make it clear that I have not physically cheated on my wife with her. However, I feel that this emotional cheating I am doing is much worse that getting drunk and having a mistake fling, and just as bad as having sex with this woman would be.

 

I have been wondering lately, if I might have missed out on the love of my life because I made a foolish choice when I was younger. I also wonder what happens if I choose to stay with my wife and kids. Will they be better off b/c of it or worse? I can handle being worse off...but if I'm only going to make my kids or wife suffer, I don't think it's worth it. But I don't know that they will...

 

All I know right now is that I have feelings for someone else, not just the I have a crush feelings b/c someone fits my personality or is attractive. But feelings like I don't want to ever see her hurt, like I want to do everything I can to make sure she is treated the way she deserves to be treated and is taken care of like she should be. I thought I was done with kids, but I can see myself having them with her.

 

And I KNOW what this makes me...I can't get this sinking feeling out of my stomach. I know that my wife has done nothing to deserve this. And that she is the one who is being wronged here. And that I should quit worrying about my feelings and think about the other people in my life. But that's just it...will they be happier if I walk away from this and stay here, or if I leave. I know that they will be crushed at first, but will she have a chance to find someone who can love her the way she deserves. B/c I am not doing it right now, not even coming close. And my kids...I would do love them with everything I have, but I don't know if they are better off with us being apart than being together.

 

I do need to say that things aren't great between my wife and I all of the time. They rarely are great. There have been times she was yelled about leaving me in front of the kids, but that was only once. Most of the time we are unhappy...but it's to be expected as we have young children and I am gone all of the time with school with her at home all day. I have tried to get her to get out more, take some time for herself...but she won't. Tried to find time to set aside each week for us to spend together, but that always falls through.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. The chances of this working out with the other woman...I realize they are not good. She comes from a family where her father cheated on her mother when she was a pre-teen. She says it ruined their family. Her parents are still together, but things have never been the same between them, and they ended up moving all over the place to get away from the woman.

 

This is not an issue of whether or not we will have an affair, the answer to that is no. The issue is whether or not I will leave my wife b/c I am not loving her the way she deserves to be loved. I would hate to stay, only to have us become more and more unhappy and divorce in another 10 yrs after the kids are gone. Then we are both 40 yr old singles. She still has a chance at finding someone now, and I hate to think about that. IDK

 

I know I am a pig. I know exactly what I am...so telling me that again is not needed here. But I also know that I have a real problem that I need help with and I cannot go to my family for advice. I have talked to my friends, at least the few close ones that I trust. And their advice is the same thing that I keep thinking...and that is I am screwed either way. So I'm hoping to get some feedback from people who have maybe been in a situation like this and have chosen one side or the other.

 

Thank you for reading this...let the flames begin

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

IMHO, you are screwed either way, but definitely 'less screwed' if you work on your existing marriage...

 

I understand your feelings for your wife are fading (have faded?). That does not mean it is completely over (though it may be). The only way to know for sure is to come clean to your wife and try to see if it is worth salvaging.

 

I mean if she had an EA and you were still in love with her (the way you were 8-9 years ago), would you like to be given the chance to make this work again, if it is at all possible. For most the PA is a deal breaker, but many have even worked through those. You, fortunately have not crossed that line... yet! Stay entirely away from the OW as much as possible.

 

You need to earn the right to walk away from your marriage by seeking professional help and working through whatever the issues may be. What is it that the OW provides for you that your wife does not? What's your 'payoff' per se?

 

You know the right thing to do is to confess to your wife, and work on your marriage... If in the end it does not work, after you have truly tried, then at least you gave it your all...

 

Good luck, the road ahead will be a tough one!

[Spineman696]

I don't know what it is about the OW that she gives me. We talk about stupid things most of the time, occasionally important things. But I can be myself around her and she doesn't get mad at me. I don't have to curb who I really am. My wife was fine with me when we met, but unfortunately I have changed a bit over the years. I guess that's to be expected. But she's not happy with who I've become. And I can't be the guy that I once was. I don't know how to.

 

Is there a need to tell my wife about who the other woman is? Or is it safe to just tell her that I am having doubts about us and feelings for someone else. And we need to work on this.

 

Also, i don't understand what PA means in your post?

[Guitarjeff]

Grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence, until you get over there, that is. Your children would NEVER be better with their father moving out of their home. You brought them in to the world.

 

Let me tell you a story that should end all debate inside you. My ex wife decidd she wanted a divorce. We went through hell, it was tough. My sonm was 8 at the time. His grades absolutely plummeted when his family broke up.

 

I went to see his teacher. She said that while the other kids had their heads down working on their studies, my son would be staring out the window. It ripped my heart out to think of my darling yound child thinking to himself, "why is this happening to my family?" A parent, a good parent is able to put themselves inside their children and fell empathy for them. Your children have security of both parents living in their home. You two are all they have ever known, and when you rip that away from our child it is devatstating, no matter how you try and sugar coat it.

 

Here's your answer, and the obvious thing you should do, LIVE YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!. Nothing in this world is more important, they are THE MEANING OF LIFE. You brought them in to this world, and you brought them in to a family. If you walk out on them and rip their family apart, you will nevr forgive yourself in the future, and you could damage their lives terribly. Be a man and go hug your kids, look in to their eyes. Tell the real reason you have gone through all the work of school and bettering your life. You really do it for your family, YOUR CHILDREN!! In the end, they are what all this is about. You sacrifice yourself for your children, that's the only honorable thing to do. You make your marriage better, whatever it takes, you make it happen for your beloved children.

 

Every time you think of how you have feelings for this woman, in your mind, see your child staring out the school window whle the other kids are working. See your child asking, "why is this happening to me and my family". All they know is the securty YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM. They are supposed to be why you are going to school, working, planing for the future. No marriage is perfect, not one, and this new woman wouldn't be perfect either. In a couple years, you would feel exactly the same as you do now, so you would rip your Children's security away for a couple years of the "IN Love stuff", that wears off after a short while?

 

 

Fate maybe brought you here to hear what I am saying to you. Tell the other woman that you have something even more important than your own selfish desires. This other woman knows you are married and have children, yet she wants a relationship with you, that doesn't bother you? It would me. Does she know that three wonderful children will have their family riped apart. Does she love your kids as you do, would she feel anything if she saw your child staring out the school window wondering why his family is breaking up? She wouldn't feel what you or your wife fel, that's for sure.

 

Stick it out my friend, you can make your marriage better and be just as happy with your current wife, you just set your mind to it that you will not accept anything else.

 

Get down and hug your kids, play with them tonight, kiss on them, then ask yourself why you are in school in the first place, you are there for your family, that's why.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Is there a need to tell my wife about who the other woman is? Or is it safe to just tell her that I am having doubts about us and feelings for someone else. And we need to work on this.

 

Also, i don't understand what PA means in your post?

 

I think it is best to fess up details about why and how and what you got out of it, but not necessarily who it is.

 

PA = Physical Affair, as opposed to EA = Emotional Affair

 

I like GuitarJeff's reminder about your motivations. You and your wife deserve the opportunity to make this work. And your kids deserve to see the two of you make it work - to set an example of what a marriage is.

[2sure]

Interesting thread because just last week there were articles in the newspapers and on radio about just this subject:

 

Married Medical Students getting Divorced when they Graduate.

 

Alas, the courts have been awarding their spouses rights to the Doctor's FUTURE INCOMES when the spouse either helped support or stayed home with kids while the other attended med school.

 

Seems it has become quite common. And since you have 3 kids....

[lostsoulmate]

Spineman,

 

Only you truly know the situation between your wife and yourself. If things are bad, your children already know it. Staying for the benefit of the children IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST OPTION!!!

What would you think if you overheard a fight between your parents and one of them said, "We decided to stay and try to make it work for the kids!"? How would that make you feel. It would make me feel SH***Y!! I would hate to think I was the reason these two people weren't happy.

 

People make mistakes, learn, change who they are, grow into new habits, move new places, met new friends, change jobs, etc. Children benefit from having two happy parents raise them (together in a home) or in two separate homes. As long as everyone is truly happy.

 

This is just my opinion. Everyone has one. Think of both sides of the issue. Have you read anything about the affair fog? You may be in it right now.

I cheated, I lied, I realized I was in the fog. I started NC with the OM. I am working on my relationship with my fiance. I have not told him I cheated (I get hit hard about that here on LS, but it is my choice).

 

Just know that only you can decide what's right for you. Don't do anything rash. Weigh your options, take some time. Think about it.

 

Good luck. Remember every human being has the right to be happy. If you are not, the only one who can make you happy is you.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

Staying for the benefit of the children IS NOT ALWAYS THE BEST OPTION!!!

 

Though I agree it is not always the best option, I personally feel that your marriage is at a point that it is more than likely salvageable, and you can hopefully regain the love that you once had.

 

As a matter of fact, I would go as far as to say that if someone in 'the same position as you' left his or her spouse and filed for divorce at this point, then that person is weak, spineless, has no idea of what a marriage is (it takes a lot of WORK!), and that individual does not deserve to be happy. I am hoping this will not be you as you will do the right thing, and even if you choose to end this marriage in the end, you will at least seek professional help, counseling, advice from other married couples, clergy, and work on this marriage...

 

You do believe that your marriage is worth salvaging, right?

[theBrokenMuse]

I seems to me that it would hinge upon if you want to be the kind of person who has enough integrity to stick by your choices even when things get ugly long enough to try everything within your power to fix things, so that if you do end up walking away you can hold your head high and know that you went to the mat, did everything you possibly could to honor your vows and try to keep your family together. Or do you want to be the type of person that ups and walks away without glancing back at the destruction in their wake while they pursue their own short-term happiness?

 

I'll probably get flamed for this but I am sick to death over hearing all this self-absorption and self-happiness is all important crap from society. When you have a family, your own personal happiness is not all important, all of the time and you are going to have to sacrifice it from time to time for the sake of the family unit and those children that never asked to be here. It's just the way it is... and for most of us, sometimes things are going to be all out bad and that's when we have to fight and claw our way to a better place because relationships aren't all roses. They are damn hard work and not for the weak.

 

If you are miserable, tell your wife everything. Lay it all out on the table and then ask her to working on making things better with you (with the help of a professional). Do everything you can to be able to walk away from this situation (one way or another) a better person.

[Spineman696]

If I wanted to walk away from my marriage at this point, I would not come on here looking for advice. So that question is a mute point. However, I don't know if it's possible to salvage it. And yes, I love my kids and I would hate to hurt them, hate to see them in any kind of pain. But I would also hate to have them grow up in a home with no love. B/c that teaches them worse things than a divorce. It teaches them that there doesn't have to be love in a home. I don't have a clue what to do.

 

GuitarJeff - I am really trying not to think about my own selfish desires. Can u tell me this, honestly. Would you have wanted your ex-wife to stay with you if you knew she didn't love you like you deserved? If you knew that she had feelings for another man but wasn't ever going to act on them b/c she wanted to be a good mother? How would that relationship turn out? This is what I worry about. And this other woman is not like you make her out to be. We both realize we got ourselves into a situation and she understand the effects of this on the kids better than I ever could. She lived through it as a child. Her parents worked it out after her father cheated on her mother for a year, and they were never the same. She and I will never cheat while I am married. And if my wife and I do get a divorce, we may not even after that. There is no telling what will happen or what should happen.

 

And I do understand the statistics you quoted earlier 2sure. I don't believe it's b/c medical students are bad people, but b/c this is a **** hole. Always gone, in debt up to our ears, kids, wife. It's a full plate for anyone. And this is something we thought about before we came here. However, quitting now is out of the question. There is no way to get out of this debt and no way to ever pay it off. And with the damage that would be done to our relationship if I quit (as this is what she has always wanted me to do) plus quitting b/c of my feelings for someone else. I don't know that we could recover from that.

 

The one thing your post made me realize is that I have no way to take care of her if things don't work out. I have no money to give, no house for her to live in. She will move back home and I can't afford to buy a house there for her...I have no income. Our sole source of income is from student loans, which I will gladly give her to make it easier on her. I truly do love her, but I want what is best for her, my kids and myself.

 

I don't know what I will do. But I think the fair thing is to tell my wife that I am having problems. Tell her that I feel like I can't be myself around her and that I have developed feelings for another woman. Although I don't know if I should drop that bomb yet. B/c in 6 months we will be living seperated from each other by several states for months at a time. And if we can work this out without me telling her that, then I will save her the worry.

[Kasan]

What have you done to try and reconnect with your wife?

 

What do you think your life will be like if you aren't seeing your wife and children on a daily basis?

 

Could all of this attraction be a result of too much stress, too many kids, and not enough money?

 

Could you be using this attraction as a way of getting out of your marriage because you are overwhelmed?

 

How does your wife feel about you and your marriage?

[Spineman696]

I have tried to talk her into setting some time up for each of us to spend with each other at least once/wk. Tried to get her to take 1-2 hrs/wk for herself and do the same for me.

 

My life without her and my kids would be very empty. I would miss all of them terribly. However, they would only miss me at night as that is when I am home. And on the weekends.

 

I think all of those things play into it. Too much stress, which will continue for the next 5-6 yrs. Too many kids, even though we love them all dearly...we never wanted 3 (her more than me). Don't even start on the not enough money...

 

I don't know...I have been overwhelmed with school since day one. We came here in the same money situation we are in now, so that hasn't changed. So I don't think that's it...but it could be.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

As a matter of fact, I would go as far as to say that if someone in 'the same position as you' left his or her spouse and filed for divorce at this point, then that person is weak, spineless, has no idea of what a marriage is (it takes a lot of WORK!), and that individual does not deserve to be happy. I am hoping this will not be you as you will do the right thing, and even if you choose to end this marriage in the end, you will at least seek professional help, counseling, advice from other married couples, clergy, and work on this marriage...

 

The more I am reading from you the more I think you are the weak, spineless individual who has no idea what a marriage is and that in the long run you do not deserve to be happy.

 

That may come across as harsh, but of what little I know of your situation, it sounds as if the next best thing has arrived in your life, and it's time to move on from the commitment you made 8 years ago. Get a grip! A few years after the divorce is final your kids will be calling her next husband, "Dad." Is this what you want? If your wife had committed heinous crimes against your vows or was beating the children, or even fallen in love with another guy, I might look at it differently.

 

I think that you might just get what you are looking for - and in the end you will get what you deserve - looking though the lens of your life that you have colored for me it looks like some major pain and heartache are due to you down the road should you choose to leave your wife without even trying...

 

The best option for you right now is to think with your big head and not your little one - work on your marriage. If it becomes apparent that you have both tired your best and things have not worked out, then I will look forward to your post many months (maybe a year or more) from now stating that.

 

Think long hard about the decision you are about to make. It is a life changing decision for 5 LIVES - not just one! Did you not read that earlier post about the child of divorce who was looking though the window during class when all others were studying? Did it not break your heart to think of your children in those shoes. If you have genuinely tried your best and it happens, you cannot be faulted. You have not even begun to try.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I don't know what I will do. But I think the fair thing is to tell my wife that I am having problems. Tell her that I feel like I can't be myself around her and that I have developed feelings for another woman. Although I don't know if I should drop that bomb yet. B/c in 6 months we will be living seperated from each other by several states for months at a time. And if we can work this out without me telling her that, then I will save her the worry.

 

Just to clarify, my above post, is just an over reaction to this paragraph. I do realize that it will be perceived as overly judgmental. Please post your response. I hope I misunderstood your intentions...

[Spineman696]

I believe you did misunderstand this paragraph. The reason we will be living apart in 6 months has nothing to do with our relationship. I am required to rotate through a hospital in a different state from where we live for 6 months during both my 3rd and 4th.

 

My concern with telling her about the other woman is this: If the counseling works and we start rebuilding our relationship and I break away from this other woman...if I can ease her any pain at all, then I want to. And her knowing that I had strong feelings for another woman will cause her more pain than if I had gone out and had a one-night fling with a college girl at a bar. She would hate the disloyalty of that, hate that I had done that with another woman. But in her mind, and mine, it is not as bad as what I am doing right now. And while I will eventually have to tell her about this, I would like to avoid blurting it out in an all out confession. I do not think that is useful to either of us.

[Spineman696]

And trust me when I say that I am thinking about my kids all of the time. But I have to think about their mother too.

 

Say I can lock this up inside of me and take it to my grave. Say I can do that, and she never finds out. And that I break all contact with this OW. Does that make it right? Absoutely not...so should I stay here and act like nothing is wrong...Add to that the fact that we will be separated by a significant distance for several extended periods of time. And honestly, how do I know that this won't happen again. I mean, I didn't intend for this to happen. I enabled it sure, but who's to say I would be able to stop myself again. I know it's more status quo to say I am tough and it won't happen to me again, but I never thought this would.

 

I need to get counseling both alone and with my wife. But I don't know if that will work out or not. B/c if I'm being as honest as I can be...I am not the person she married or fell in love with. I am not the man I was 3,4,5 yrs ago. But I have tried to be b/c that's what she expects. It's what she wants. And on the rare occasion that I do things that I'd like to do...she gets upset and says I'm not acting right, not like myself.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You'll have to forgive me spineman...

 

I just got done with a weekend where I planned a superb Valentines day dinner, getaway, romantic gifts, etc and it took a lot of time and effort on my part (isn't that what all women want?). Then the love of life for the last 16 years tells me 'she's not in love with me'... I was taking my feelings are venting them in the above post. It's really embarrassing to go back and read now... LOL

 

I percieved you wanted it over without even trying to talk and work things out.

 

Anyways back your situation. I might see where you are going as far as not telling her about the specific person if:

 

1) You cease all contact with the OM (you are falling for her)

 

2) You do, as you say in your post, say that you will admit to your wife that being apart from her is very hard on your relationship with her.

 

3) You find yourself thinking about another life. You could say another woman, but I am sure she would want more info. Perhaps you could just say another life with an alternate partner (not specific)...

[Spineman696]

I understand you are hurt and that you can't help but vent that. I also can't imagine how hard it is reading a post from someone like me about such an issue. So no offense taken.

 

I don't know about the other life...I guess that is what it is. I hadn't thought about that, but it makes sense...

 

I don't know what I will say yet, but I know that I have to find a counselor soon. And honestly, I think once she finds out who I really am, who I've become over the years. She will want out of this...but maybe not.

 

But you are all absolutely right...I owe it to her to give this everything I have. She has given me 3 children and 8, almost 9 years of her life. She deserves more...And if the counseling doesn't work, as long as it's not because I didn't give it everything...I will walk away from the marriage.

[Guitarjeff]

"GuitarJeff - I am really trying not to think about my own selfish desires. Can u tell me this, honestly. Would you have wanted your ex-wife to stay with you if you knew she didn't love you like you deserved?"

 

problem is, this can be used as an excuse by any and everyone who wants to dump their responsibilities and rip their children's homes apart. Statistics show that children do better in homes where both parents raise them. The old "it would be worse for my kids to live in a home without love and two parents than in a happy home with one parent is a complete cop out. For one thing, your relationship is with your kids at home, and both parents can focus on them no matter what their relationship is like, IF THE KIDS ARE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, that is.

 

Jeez, I think I'll go fall in love with someone other than my wife, oh man, I feel guilty because I have brought three children in to this world, and all they have ever known is the security that my wife and I have provided, but wait, I know how I can get out of this, I can pretend that me breaking my family up will actually be great for them because I don't love their Mom anymore, so it would be better for them to have their home break up, yeah, that's the ticket. Golly, you know what, every parent out there could use this excuse and all of a sudden there is no impact in marriages breaking up because of children, isn't that perfect?

 

I'm sure you know that many cheaters will use this excuse, but it's true for your kids, though, I see.

 

You won't get any moral help from me in feeling less guilty about ripping your children's home apart for a couple years of the "in love" stuff. The sad part is that in a couple years you'll be feeling the same way about the new one, and your kids will have paid a huge price.

 

If you are going to do the wrong thing, then do it on your own, don't do the most pathetic thing imaginable and try to say your kids will be better off having their home torn apart. Every cheater who leaves their kids uses this garbage as an excuse, and look at the state of marriage in this country. Sorry, but NO WAY ON EARTH do I believe your kids will be better off if you rip their home apart. Tell yourself anything you can to justify it, but it doesn't make it right. How about you learn to be happy, work at it, devote your life to your family and making it a happy one.

 

I am a single father and I saw the devastation that divorce had on my kids, and my ex used THE SAME EXCUSE.

 

When we had to move after the break up, I got custody of my children. My little girl was 3 years old. She had just been potty trained. After the break up, she stopped using the toilet and started wetting herself again. One night, at 3:00 in the morning, I had her sitting on the toilet. I was kneling in front of her, I was holding her and finally, she peed in the toilet. We both sat there and cried afterward. Don't tell me for a second that the kids could be better off unless one of you is physically abusing the other spouse or the kids. Any and everyone can use that garbage excuse and about 90 percent of them do, to the tune of a lot of broken hearted children in this world. Tell this excuse to your son when he wants to throw a football with you, or have you come to his little league game when he sees the other fathers with their sons. Tell your little girl that garbage when she wants her Mom and Dad to see her in her first play at school, and wants to see both her parents sitting together as a happy family.

 

Again, so yours is different, and it's not just an excuse for you to partake of selfish enjoyment, it's true in your case, why, your kids actually need their home broken up.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

GuitarJeff your post makes me emotional. Thank You for sharing your point of view here. It gives me additional perspective in my own situation.

[Lizzie60]

This is not an issue of whether or not we will have an affair, the answer to that is no.

 

I think you're already in an A... YOU are.. not her.. but you definitely are in an emotional affair with this woman.

 

Methink.. unless you cut this woman out of your life completely, you have no chance to be happy with your wife.

 

It's YOUR choice.. really.. what do you really want.. your family or this woman.. What makes you think that it will work out with her..

 

I know I am a pig.

 

No, you're not.. you just happened to be at this place in your life.. where you met a wonderful woman.. but you already had one.. no one can predict what will happen next week.. we could ALL be in a situation like yours.

 

And their advice is the same thing that I keep thinking...and that is I am screwed either way.

 

I think your friends are right.. the only way to 'unscrew' yourself.. is to go NO CONTACT with this other woman.. and go from there..

[Lizzie60]

I should add that you have 3 children.. and you need to think about their happiness BEFORE your own..

 

Sorry.. but we put children on this planet then we expect them to understand and be happy with our decision..

 

You need to seriously think this one over.. my friend.. cause these 3 little ones surely don't deserve to be scre*wed because of your 'caprice' (whim\impulse).

[soserious1]

Do you seriously think you're going to walk away with your MD leaving 3 small kids in your wake and not get ripped a new one by a divorce court judge?

[Spineman696]

It would enable some of you to make better comments if you read all of the posts.

 

Walking away from my marriage is a completely different thing that walking away from my children and their mother. If this is a road that my wife and I end up going down, and this will be decided by both of us in counseling, then I will not be leaving them forever....and I'm not sure where you get the idea that I want to get my MD and get outta here. I will take care of my family for the rest of my life regardless of what does or does not happen in the future. They are my responsibility - I can't imagine them going without anything they needed and I will never let that happen...to ANY of them, my wife included. Even if she becomes my ex-wife. So the idea that I will run off and avoid some divorce court judge is ridiculous.

 

What is going on is something I have thought about, an EA that I am involved in, but it is not something that I have said is better than my marriage or that I have decided to leave my marriage for. And I agree that I have to put my kids first, but let me ask you this...did any of you grow up around 2 parents who fought all of the time. So much so that you would lock yourselves into the closet and cry because you were afraid? Neither of them were ever abusive to each other physically, or to any of us...but plenty of verbal abuse. You sit through that and tell me that it's better for parents to stay together for the kids!!!!

 

I prayed that my parents would get a divorce when I was younger, prayed so hard...so that they would be happy. B/c then I could be happy. It never happened, and guess what...they are still unhappy. Kids out of the house, dad working in a different city living in a travel trailer, mom working at the local school living by herself!!! You think that's better than if they had both decided 20 years ago that they should split up, and each found suitable spouses???

 

 

I understand how I sound to you all who have been hurt by a spouse. My only concern is that you try to look at this issue separate from yours, b/c it is just that...a separate issue. I am not the person who hurt you...however I may be the person to hurt my wife in the future. I don't know....I don't want to hurt her and if I can avoid it I will...but I will not put my children through the same hell I had to go through.

 

I will do what I think is best for my family always...if that is sucking it up and being unhappy for the rest of my life, I can do that. But ONLY if it will better my family. If it is my wife and I getting a divorce then we will do that, but only if it betters my family. And to think that every situation is just like yours, and that every person has the same motives as the person who hurt you is very inconsiderate and foolish.

 

I have stated in this post what my plans are to handle this right now. I will state them here again as some people are much to impulsive to read what's gone on...they just want to respond with whatever comes to the mind.

 

I will go to counseling with my wife. When she comes back into town I will tell her that I need counseling and I think we need it as well. I will tell her that I have been having some problems that I need to talk to someone about. We talked this weekend about the problems we had been having and initiated some steps to try and make things a little better...steps like spending a certain amount of time together every week. And this time together is spent with each other, not doing something that the other person wants to do. Even if this is just driving around together talking, or in silence. We will also be taking some time out each week for ourselves...for things that we want to do.

 

I have no intentions of running off with anyone, nor do I plan on leaving my wife anytime soon. However, I am not ruling this out b/c that is just as foolish as saying, "I want a divorce, don't even want to think about it...no counseling, no questions, just let me out." - they are both extreme stances only on opposite ends of the spectrum.

 

The things that I am saying are not excuses to be used to justify a divorce. They are legitimate concerns that I have about my marriage and my family. I am not trying to get out of anything the easy way...if I were there would be no reason for me to be on here would there? So please, enough with the disparaging comments if you can stand it. Help is always appreciated, but people that are not open to looking at both sides of an issue with an open mind are generally not very helpful when it comes to making any kind of decision. And I realize that for many people here who have been hurt, this may not be possible...and I understand that. But there is no need to assume things and make blanket statements based on those assumptions.

[TOWinNYC]

All I know right now is that I have feelings for someone else, not just the I have a crush feelings b/c someone fits my personality or is attractive. But feelings like I don't want to ever see her hurt, like I want to do everything I can to make sure she is treated the way she deserves to be treated and is taken care of like she should be. I thought I was done with kids, but I can see myself having them with her.

 

Does the OW know this? Does she feel the same way about you? Because she just might - she might want a future with you as well, despite all the baggage (ie. 3 kids, baby mama drama etc). But that's where the whole "communication thing" comes into play. Are you comfortable enough with her to talk about these things? Do you two talk about heavy topics?

 

And actually, kudos to you for not turning this into a "physical" thing.

 

I'm going to go against the grain (and possibly be stomped on) to say - yes, you may love your kids but you owe yourself a happy life too. You can still be a GREAT DAD and not be married to the mother of your children.

 

Please note: I'm not saying that the OW is the answer nor should she be the reason you discontinue your marriage. And yes, I think marriage counseling might help - but lets just say you do everything in your power and still that ol' "spark" is nowhere to be found with your wife......

 

Sometimes you get married and have kids with the wrong person. That doesn't mean you have to turn it into a life sentence. Yes, you made choices in your life that put you on a certain path - but nothing says you can't choose to be on a DIFFERENT path.

 

I think the biggest thing is the "fear of the unknown". You already know what the life you're living is going to be like.

 

But the possibilities that exist with the unknown are scary - they can range from the deepest of pits (divorced, broke, living in someone's basement, having to start dating again) to unearthly delights (imagine sharing your life with someone who makes you laugh all the time, that you can cuddle with and have amazing sex with, and just enjoy "being" with even if it's to watch a movie).

 

The question is - do you have the courage to explore it? Would you do it anyway - even if the OW didn't exist?