Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 .... I'm sorry, I don't see anything respectful about a SO partying with someone of the opposite sex, spending time with them away from the SO alone, coming home at wee hours in the morning as a healthy thing. If thats the way someone wants to mix it up with someone of the opposite sex, then they don't need their significant other. Where are you getting this from? Who the hell even said anything about partying and coming home in the wee hours of the morning? LOL...if I wasn't convinced you had issues before, you've made it QUITE obvious now. Please use another thread to aire out your frustrations based on your personal experiences. If you feel the need to respond to something, try to make it relevant to what was stated and don't go off on your bitter tangents. You are having a conversation with yourself, and that's not the point of my posting. PLEASE...get a grip man.
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 And does your wife hang out with her x-husband alone and spend time away from you with him? I doubt it. Nah, I met his parents too. Good family. He later re-married and moved away. Wife and he shared a beagle dog and he kept it and she visited occasionally. The dog died a few years later and we were all sad. My winkie meant, if I had spent more alone time with him, he likely would've warned me of some things I would only find out years later OP, my concerns are noted in my above post. The dynamic is, IMO, indicative of some deeper issues. Your BF is touching the tip of the iceberg when he complains about your priorities with daily contact with your ex. Hope it works out for you
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Where are you getting this from? Who the hell even said anything about partying and coming home in the wee hours of the morning? Me, its an example. I'm not saying anyone said this. I'm highlighting what I think is disrespectful as opposed to just simply having friends of the opposite sex. LOL...if I wasn't convinced you had issues before, you've made it QUITE obvious now. Please use another thread to aire out your frustrations based on your personal experiences. If you feel the need to respond to something, try to make it relevant to what was stated and don't go off on your bitter tangents. You are having a conversation with yourself, and that's not the point of my posting. PLEASE...get a grip man. Nice try pumpkin. Again, not saying having opposite sex friends is disrespectful. My current SO has plenty. She hangs out with them in groups...not a problem whatsoever. She wouldn't disrespect me by hanging out with them alone as she would expect the same from me. And she has told me this much.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Nah, I met his parents too. Good family. He later re-married and moved away. But that is a much different story. I don't see anything wrong there. My current SO is good friends with an X. But she doesn't hang out with him and doesn't call him on a daily basis and he doesn't call her. Why would they? They are X's:o But she is friendly to him, speaks to him. I even met him when we were grocery shopping. I didn't have a problem with it. Now if she were to say, "I'm going to see a movie with X", THEN it would become a problem.
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Concur. Still haven't gotten to the bottom of this well (with the OP) yet...
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Honestly, I don't know what "bottom" anyone has not gotten to. There's no need to exaggerate the situation or blow it out of porportion to make a point that is compelety irrelevant to my situation. It's no more than what I said. (1) He's my ex for nearly two years now (2) He's like one of my bestfriends and we commuicate almost daily (and ths does not mean we are having 3 hours conversations...could simply be a text to see how the other is doing) (3) We don't live in the same state, but when I do visit his state, I would want to visit him in the same way I'd visit ANY of my friends (4) I am not interested in him romantically in any way, shape or form..PERIOD THAT is IT. Not everyone in here has hidden agendas or drama. I don't know what some of you guys are looking for, but the point is to give me insight on my situation and not on a bunch of hypotheticals you can come up with based on your own, personal experiences. At that point, your opinions and comments are futile and serve NO purpose. Let's just agree to disagree. I'm not interested in advice on "made up scenarios," and you're not interested in addressing my issue. Let's just leave it at that.
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 The frequent contact, especially speaking every day is the part that is strange. I have to be honest, if an SO was doing this with an ex - I would feel the way your bf does. Good luck and keep in mind you are risking your current relationship.
carhill Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 OP, if people didn't form opinions based on personal experience, forums like this would not exist. FWIW, your last post reminded me exactly of what the dynamic was in our MC sessions where I was defending the innocence of my contact with an old female friend. Good thing our psychologist could stomach being called names This is clearly an issue for your boyfriend. We're irrelevant. He's the priority here. Hope it works out
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 The frequent contact, especially speaking every day is the part that is strange. I have to be honest, if an SO was doing this with an ex - I would feel the way your bf does. Good luck and keep in mind you are risking your current relationship. And this was what I was saying. Not saying anything wrong with friends of the opposite sex or even friends with an X. Its the nature of the relationship that determines whether most SO's would deem it unacceptable or not.
movingonandon Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Honestly, I don't know what "bottom" anyone has not gotten to. There's no need to exaggerate the situation or blow it out of porportion to make a point that is compelety irrelevant to my situation. It's no more than what I said. (1) He's my ex for nearly two years now (2) He's like one of my bestfriends and we commuicate almost daily (and ths does not mean we are having 3 hours conversations...could simply be a text to see how the other is doing) (3) We don't live in the same state, but when I do visit his state, I would want to visit him in the same way I'd visit ANY of my friends (4) I am not interested in him romantically in any way, shape or form..PERIOD THAT is IT. Not everyone in here has hidden agendas or drama. I don't know what some of you guys are looking for, but the point is to give me insight on my situation and not on a bunch of hypotheticals you can come up with based on your own, personal experiences. At that point, your opinions and comments are futile and serve NO purpose. Let's just agree to disagree. I'm not interested in advice on "made up scenarios," and you're not interested in addressing my issue. Let's just leave it at that. What makes it weird, and yes - disrespectful - is not the fact that you've remained friends, that's fine, but the *frequency* of contact and spending time *alone* with him (as some already pointed to). Pardon me, but based on the way you interpret the situtaion, it sounds like you're the controling one - your boyfriend has merely expressed legitimate discomfort, while you'r attitude is to NOT validate his concern at all (i.e. you don't care), and stick to the "That's it, and you should deal with it" verbiage, which really is the absolute worst attitude in this situation. stay friends with your ex, by all means, but to have him contact you every effin day is a little too much to ask of your boyfriend, IMO. I wouldn't put up with this. call me insecure, controlling, whatever - it is not something I would personally tolerate... (and since girls do not like to be told what to do, I would just leave).
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 What makes it weird, and yes - disrespectful - is not the fact that you've remained friends, that's fine, but the *frequency* of contact and spending time *alone* with him (as some already pointed to). Pardon me, but based on the way you interpret the situtaion, it sounds like you're the controling one oh no you didn't!!!! your boyfriend has merely expressed legitimate discomfort, while you'r attitude is to NOT validate his concern at all (i.e. you don't care) and stick to the "That's it, and you should deal with it" verbiage, which really is the absolute worst attitude in this situation. My thoughts as well.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 And this was what I was saying. Not saying anything wrong with friends of the opposite sex or even friends with an X. Its the nature of the relationship that determines whether most SO's would deem it unacceptable or not. Interesting how what we "say" has evolved from post to post. Please refer to your original post in which I responded saying that you had issues. I didn't pull my opinion out of my a**.
AlektraClementine Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Ok Miss Ting - You have no hidden agenda. Fine. I believe you. So what? He's one of your best friends. Are you saying then, that it would hurt you to lessen the frequency of your contact with him. Would it hurt him? Does that concern you? Are you willing to lessen the frequency of contact in an attempt to appease your boyfriend or respect his wishes? What I think everyone is saying (to answer your question) is that your boyfriend's feelings on the subject are NOT out of line. Just because you are tough as nails and can handle things like close friendships and alone time between your BF and another lady (even one he's screwed), does not mean that your BF has to be comfortable with it. So, with that said, are you willing to honor the man you're in a relationship by making some adjustments to YOUR behavior? If not, you would be clearly choosing the feelings of an ex-lover over your current lover. You understand that there is no wrong choice or feeling here right? You just have to make the choice. Then tell your current BF your decision and then allow him to make a subsequent one.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 What makes it weird, and yes - disrespectful - is not the fact that you've remained friends, that's fine, but the *frequency* of contact and spending time *alone* with him (as some already pointed to). Pardon me, but based on the way you interpret the situtaion, it sounds like you're the controling one - your boyfriend has merely expressed legitimate discomfort, while you'r attitude is to NOT validate his concern at all (i.e. you don't care), and stick to the "That's it, and you should deal with it" verbiage, which really is the absolute worst attitude in this situation. stay friends with your ex, by all means, but to have him contact you every effin day is a little too much to ask of your boyfriend, IMO. I wouldn't put up with this. call me insecure, controlling, whatever - it is not something I would personally tolerate... (and since girls do not like to be told what to do, I would just leave). (1) Ok, so you all like to regulate how often your SO speaks to thier ex's and friends...I get it. Not me, and that's probably because I"m not insecure...moving on... (here is where we won't ever agree...I can accept that. I hope some of you can be adult enough and do the same, though I know that's probably asking for too much given the history) And you would have a problem with your SO spending alone time with anyone of the opposite sex right? Hmmm...here is where I also do not have a problem, but above that, I never said anything about spending "alone" time with him. Stop trying to make things dramatic and jump to conclusions. Before any of you talk out of your a**, the sensible thing to do would have been to ask me "in what capacity would I want to visit him, and in what capacity have I visited him in the past." But again, I guess that's me expecting too much from dramatic people again. (2) Me, controlling? :lmao: This one made me laugh. Some of your analytical skills (or lack of it), is actually quite amusing. (3) Please refer to my original post and tell me how you got this from what I stated. Seriously, I would love to see how you drew that conclusion. Again, it goes back to the absence of certain skills. Some of you need to brush up on your reading comprehension skills.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Interesting how what we "say" has evolved from post to post. Please refer to your original post in which I responded saying that you had issues. I didn't pull my opinion out of my a**. Oh I referred that my words to which you replied, and this is what I said that you quoted: "Originally Posted by Dexter Morgan Your bf would be perfectly within his rights to say something like, "you are with me now, this is my time....not his time" Being civil and being friends in general is fine I believe. But I'd be put off too if my SO was friends with an X that she felt the need to call all the time, or he call her. And haning out together with an X, or another man period, alone is out of the question and inappropriate." I am referring to a particular type of behavior someone exhibits in their dealings with an X, or a friend of the opposite sex....was I not? i wasn't referring to merely being friends. Pay particular attention to the underlined part. So yes, you did pull it out of your rectum. And apparantly there aren't many people in this thread that agree with your attitude or opinion on this I am happy to say. do try again
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Ok Miss Ting - You have no hidden agenda. Fine. I believe you. So what? He's one of your best friends. Are you saying then, that it would hurt you to lessen the frequency of your contact with him. Would it hurt him? Does that concern you? Are you willing to lessen the frequency of contact in an attempt to appease your boyfriend or respect his wishes? What I think everyone is saying (to answer your question) is that your boyfriend's feelings on the subject are NOT out of line. Just because you are tough as nails and can handle things like close friendships and alone time between your BF and another lady (even one he's screwed), does not mean that your BF has to be comfortable with it. So, with that said, are you willing to honor the man you're in a relationship by making some adjustments to YOUR behavior? If not, you would be clearly choosing the feelings of an ex-lover over your current lover. You understand that there is no wrong choice or feeling here right? You just have to make the choice. Then tell your current BF your decision and then allow him to make a subsequent one. Finally, someone sensible to address! He didn't ask me to cut back on how often we speak, and no, that's not a problem for me. Like I stated somewhere, when I tell my ex that I am in relationship, I don't even think it's something I would have to "request" of him. He's not a disrespectful person and I"m certain he wouldn't call me at certain hours...or as much. Really and truly, some earlier responders gave me the best advice saying that I should just make the two of them meet. I'm sure it would quiet some of his concerns if he were able to validate for himself, that there's nothing going on and we're just friends. I just wouldn't want to be told that I can't visit him because he is my friend and I'm so close to his family that, when in town, I do go see them. I wouldn't want to not go see them just because I'm trying to avoid someone that is just my friend. It just doesn't add up. Either way, he said he's willing to meet him and because he is a reasonable and rational person (unlike some personalities on this forum), that will help. Thanks.
BCCA Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 It seems like to me, if it was just an ex that you are still in contact with on a limited basis, then there should be no problems. Everyone has ex's, and as long as people are honest and keep eachother in the loop about what their up to, it shouldnt be a problem. But if youre hanging out with an ex and havent told him that Im your boyfriend after we've been dating 4 months...to me, there is a reason why you arent telling him. Perhaps the dynamic with your ex is not as friendly as you make it out to be, or there is something more to this story?
serial muse Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Hm. Here's my take on this: 1. I believe you when you say you're no longer interested in your ex. 2. You haven't said anything about whether or not you've suspected that your ex might still have a spark for you. 3. The part of your story that, if I were your SO, sends off warning bells is that you haven't told your ex about him. To my mind, that almost always signifies not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. That suggests that deep down, perhaps you do suspect that your ex is still interested. In which case, you are protecting his feelings at the expense of your current SO's. Your intentions may be good, in general - you don't have any interest in cheating and you just want everybody to be fine. Which is cool. But it's not cool not to tell your ex about your current SO. It's not about being 14 years old and gossiping with your friends about a new guy. It's about respect, for all people involved. Think about it this way - your ex is an adult. So do him the courtesy of leveling with him instead of "protecting" him, which when you think about it, is kind of condescending. Right? He can make up his own mind, then, about how to navigate around your new relationship. That's the way friends act toward other friends. If you tiptoe around him, it's not just friendship. Bottom line.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Oh I referred that my words to which you replied, and this is what I said that you quoted: "Originally Posted by Dexter Morgan Your bf would be perfectly within his rights to say something like, "you are with me now, this is my time....not his time" Being civil and being friends in general is fine I believe. But I'd be put off too if my SO was friends with an X that she felt the need to call all the time, or he call her. And haning out together with an X, or another man period, alone is out of the question and inappropriate." I am referring to a particular type of behavior someone exhibits in their dealings with an X, or a friend of the opposite sex....was I not? i wasn't referring to merely being friends. Pay particular attention to the underlined part. So yes, you did pull it out of your rectum. And apparantly there aren't many people in this thread that agree with your attitude or opinion on this I am happy to say. do try again Here is where I be the bigger person and say, ok, whatever you say. I cannot argue with someone who refuses to address the issue, and I don't make a habit of wasting my time. In all, your opinions have been noted. Thanks.
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 It seems like to me, if it was just an ex that you are still in contact with on a limited basis, then there should be no problems. Everyone has ex's, and as long as people are honest and keep eachother in the loop about what their up to, it shouldnt be a problem. But if youre hanging out with an ex and havent told him that Im your boyfriend after we've been dating 4 months...to me, there is a reason why you arent telling him. Perhaps the dynamic with your ex is not as friendly as you make it out to be, or there is something more to this story? No, I'm not hanging out with him. We don't live in the same state. When I visited him in the past, that was before I started dating this guy. My ex knows that the guys exists as I've stated on so many occassions. He doesn't know the guy is my bf because he ISN"T my bf...again, hence me saying "he wants to get serious." When it gets to that point, I will tell him. I have a close circle of 6 girlfriends (my bestfriends of over 15-26 years). They also know the guy exists, but I have not told them that he's my bf for the same reason. If you put 2 and 2 together, you will see that my ex is being treated the same way I treat my gf's, because he is my friend. Me not telling him that has nothing to do with our association, and everything to do with my status with the guy (as it should).
Author Miss Ting Posted February 18, 2009 Author Posted February 18, 2009 Hm. Here's my take on this: 1. I believe you when you say you're no longer interested in your ex. 2. You haven't said anything about whether or not you've suspected that your ex might still have a spark for you. 3. The part of your story that, if I were your SO, sends off warning bells is that you haven't told your ex about him. To my mind, that almost always signifies not wanting to hurt someone's feelings. That suggests that deep down, perhaps you do suspect that your ex is still interested. In which case, you are protecting his feelings at the expense of your current SO's. Your intentions may be good, in general - you don't have any interest in cheating and you just want everybody to be fine. Which is cool. But it's not cool not to tell your ex about your current SO. It's not about being 14 years old and gossiping with your friends about a new guy. It's about respect, for all people involved. Think about it this way - your ex is an adult. So do him the courtesy of leveling with him instead of "protecting" him, which when you think about it, is kind of condescending. Right? He can make up his own mind, then, about how to navigate around your new relationship. That's the way friends act toward other friends. If you tiptoe around him, it's not just friendship. Bottom line. Please refer to my last posting...
Girlygirl1977 Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Most of the posts on here have been consistent while your attitude and responses are troubling. You want everyone to agree with you which unfortunately they do not. If you are not telling someone you have a bf, there is usually an underlying reason (esp. as a bf is very much a part of your life and you are in contact with this other person daily). Again, think about your current bf b/c my deep down feeling is your relationship is definitely at risk of cracking. Good luck - but I have to say you def have a snarky attitude (not in a nice way).
serial muse Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Please refer to my last posting... Yes, I saw it. BCCA and I posted the same thing at about the same time. I'd just add this as food for thought - although you discount it, it's probably worth considering that your current flame may be thinking along the same lines that BCCA and I were. I say this because he told you that how he feels about the guy will depend on the "vibe" he gets from meeting him. So, even if you discount our comments, you should at least consider the fact that this may be insight into how your SO is viewing things - he may be particularly curious to suss out how your ex feels about you. Just a thought. But oh well, good luck.
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Here is where I be the bigger person and say, ok, whatever you say. I cannot argue with someone who refuses to address the issue, and I don't make a habit of wasting my time. In all, your opinions have been noted. Thanks. Your concession is accepted:cool:
Dexter Morgan Posted February 18, 2009 Posted February 18, 2009 Most of the posts on here have been consistent while your attitude and responses are troubling. Its no use. She doesn't want to see it. It sounds as if her bf doesn't have a problem with her being friends with her X. What her bf has a problem with is the nature and frequency of their interactions. But hey, her bf's feelings don't mean anything. He can like it or lump it....right?
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