Now I know, and I'm blown away... what now?

[OneFootOut]

I asked my husband for an un-distracted hour of his time today. It was my goal to get to the bottom of things once and for all. The last long email I sent was suggesting a separation, as I did not have a clue what else to do. He hadn't answered or responded to the last few I sent, so I wanted answers.

 

I sat across from him and told him I needed him to talk, and that I was listening. He started by saying he hadn't been avoiding me, but he just honestly didn't know what to say, or what to do. After a few minutes, he admitted that the last email had been a relief to him, because separation had crossed his mind as well, but he didn't know how to deal with it. He doesn't want a divorce, or to lose me, or to be away from the kids. But he thinks space is the only way to start over. I tend to agree at this point.

 

He went on to reveal to me that he had a great emotional distaste and loathing for anything sexual due to some horrid abuse in his past by a step father. I was shocked, and hurt for him to have gone through that and still been so affected by it. All of my own internal issues suddenly seemed petty by comparison. All this time, he has simply been incapable of being the intimate partner I have been longing for.

 

We talked about our first years, because I wanted to understand why it had been good and just stopped. He admitted it had never been good for him, but extremely uncomfortable. He had been trying to force himself to play the part, hoping things would be OK. One day he just couldn't do it anymore but didn't know how to explain it to me, so he just started rejecting and refusing me and left me to wonder. He apologized for that.

 

We both apologized to each other that we let things get this bad. Now we don't know what to do. He's not ready to face his demons, and I won't push him. I have had my own demons and I got past them in my own time.

We both thought that maybe if we separated for a while, but still lived close, that we might be able to start from step one and get to know each other again. Maybe we could rediscover an attraction - a real one. Maybe he could begin to heal if he wasn't in this stress and bombarded with the rest of us every day.

 

I feel so selfish. Like why can't I just get over it and chose to live this way to keep our family together. I've lived without passion, romance, and sex for most of the last 8 years, why can't I just settle for that kind of life?

 

I keep saying I need that in my life and I am miserable without it, but where am I going to find it even if we do split? What are the chances I ever would? I want those things with my husband, not with anyone else.

 

My God I'm more confused than I was. We're looking into filing for a legal separation, but now I am afraid we might not be able to get things worked out like we hope and will end up losing each other. I know its probably just fear talking, and its time to brave up and face things. We both have a lot of "personal work" to do within ourselves. Right now we are on the same page. Neither of us want anyone else, but we can't go on like we are.

 

I feel so bad for him and what he is dealing with inside. I'm glad I know now though, everything makes sense now. I understand the last 8 years now. I'm glad for that. I'm glad he is also relieved to have finally opened up. I'm glad we're on the same page. Now we're both scared and don't know what to do first to make this separation a smooth one.

 

This is so sad. Can someone tell me there is hope to get it worked out in the future if we get that space and start over?

[edgeof27]

Time,

 

it's gonna take time for you to accept this new information, &, to determine what to do,

 

you don't have any answers right now, but you will,

 

as the next few days pass, &, you process this new information you will be able to plan your next step,

 

but right now its too new, &, too much,

 

the advice you get here will help,

 

try not to over think things tonight,

 

try and get a good nights sleep,

 

tomorrow you will be in a better frame of mind, & there will be about 20 posts with good advice,

 

sorry I could not give more or better advice,

 

g....

[Ronni_W]

Oh wow! BIG breakthrough. Congrats to both of you, and HUGE kudos and gratitude to him for loving and trusting you enough to finally reveal that.

 

(Yeah, I know what it took for you to help him get there but...you did stick with it, and you did make a safe enough place for him.)

 

NO. You were not "selfish" or anything remotely like that. It is still on him, that he was withholding a HUGELY important piece of information from you. That is not your "fault" and it is, in fact, his weakness.

Your emotional needs and feelings of self-esteem and self-confidence are no less important than they ever were. You are separate from him, and you are as significant. That doesn't change just because he experienced childhood sexual abuse.

 

I would suggest...put a temporary hold on any major decisions like moving out, changing jobs, even changing which grocery store you shop at (only half-kidding about that last one.)

 

He needs to start working with a counselor/therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, preferably childhood abuse. I mean, if he wants to create a genuinely happy and fulfilling future for himself. And also if he wants to be a truly engaged and supportive romantic partner at any point in his life.

 

Your role. Love and support, and keeping a safe space for him. You can do that more effectively by staying close. Your leaving or asking him to leave can easily be felt/perceived as rejection, judgment, disgust, and/or abandonment.

Let him know, and keep affirming, that he did nothing "wrong"; he most definitely did not deserve what happened to him; that he was a victim and he IS a survivor...and you're so proud of him for that. Also that his step-father had some serious mental problems, and acted out in a most unnatural and damaging way.

Help your Hubby find the best therapist available. Let her (or him) help him work through whether or not pressing charges will be in his best interest.

 

Also, seek her/his guidance about when or if to make any major changes.

 

For you, I have the title of one book (I'm sure there are 100s but this is the one I've got here): 'Allies In Healing: When The Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child' by Laura Davis.

 

If there is a "partners of" support group in your area, that may also be helpful. The therapist likely will be able to guide you about that, and reliable internet resources.

 

It is big. It is a step in a positive direction. For him, more than anything. But also for your marriage...it was NEVER going to improve as long as this was his secret burden.

 

Wishing your household much love, support, courage and strength. And healing...lots and lots of wonderful, peace-bringing healing!

[OneFootOut]

Thank you edge, and Ronni.

 

After he told me about his inner issues, we talked a lot easier than we had for the last 12 years. It was painful, and heart breaking, but it was good putting everything out there for each other. He didn't go into detail about what he had gone through, and I didn't pry. I have heard bits and pieces about how cruel that man was from hearing family mention it over the years, but never that part of it. I could see it was hard enough just getting out what he did. Neither of us is angry or upset with the other, we're best friends and handling things as such.

 

I suggested he get counseling and let him know that I would be here for him while he did. He said he's not ready for that, and he thinks the best thing to do is put some space between us. He said he thinks its our best shot to start over and that, for him anyway, it would be too hard to start over if we stayed in the same situation under the same roof.

 

I talked to him gently about the fact that if he ever wanted a fulfilled marriage, with me or anyone else in the future, or even if he wanted to have a peaceful and happier life on his own, he really needed to try and find a way to overcome this burden. The cruel slime bag that did this to him is dead, and he tried just recently talking to his mother about it and she seems to go deaf about the issue. She wants no part of the discussion and won't accept any of the responsibility of it, so there's really been no closure for him.

 

Part of me is thinking, lets just take a deep breath and do what he feels we/he needs to do at this point and just see where it goes. If he needs out of the house, then let him go and see if it helps him. I never wanted to lose him, I had just needed so much more from him, and only now understand why he couldn't be that for me. The whole situation is so much different now.

 

The other part of me is so scared for him, and of losing him. If he's not ready to face this and try to overcome it, then what are we working back to? He thinks if we separate and start over, by dating and courting each other again, that maybe a spark will rekindle and he'll be able to be different. I just don't think thats possible without some serious counseling.

 

He assured me over and over again that he didn't want anyone else, and that he has never ever been physically attracted to anyone. He's never experienced that because of the damage inside. He only had tried one other relationship years before he met me. He said if he and I can't find our way back, there will be no one else because he doesn't want to go through this anymore.

 

I know my own needs are still as important. I just wish I had known this all those years ago. That part of me that has been dying inside and longing to be renewed and passionate and sexual again is still there. But that part of me that has been hanging on so long is also putting up a fight and wanting to be even more steadfast and loyal and devoted to seeing him through this and helping him heal.

 

Then my head pops in with it's opinion: He's not ready to face it, so will that mean another 5, 10, 12 years like this? Once things settle back down, it will be the same for me.

 

So there's where we are.

Thinking separation is the only chance we have to save things.

Him not wanting counseling (he wants to fix it himself)

 

...

[doomed]

Great breakthrough OFO !!!

 

Like has been said, this is only the first step, even though its a doozie. I've (unfortunately) spent a couple of years on a sexlesss marriage forum where this kind of thing was all too common. One spouse or the other was abused, faked it into marriage and then just couldn't do it anymore. Sadly, I can't recall any successes, but the net has never been a reliable source of statistics either so...

 

You've gotten past the first hurdle to an admission of something. The second hurdle is for him to go and identify all the ugliness in his past and work through it. It seems as if not many people get this job done. They have to really want it, for them. I bet many divorces center around one or both partners being unwilling or unable to get past their demons.

 

Then again, you're living a life you didn't choose and wouldn't have chosen had you known all of this going in. How long are you willing to wait for him to heal, if ever ? This doesn't appear to be a thing fixed in weeks or months, is the relationship worth more painful years to you ?

 

If you need sex and passion in your life, as most of us do, then you need it and shouldn't feel bad about yourself for acknowledging that need. If I might be so bold, never ever even dare to apologize for your needs and the desires of your heart, mind, body and soul. This situation is not your fault, either.

 

You're going to want to see some progress, at the least, I would think, and so must walk a line of supportive encouragement backed up by "this is what I want for us" as well as "but you can only do this if this is what YOU want for us" kind of attitude. Make him want it, without coming off as a nag. That sounds like a really fine line to me.

 

Once healed, what says that your H has to like sex again ? I got my first taste of swiss cheese on a sandwich where I expected something else. For like 15 years, I wouldn't touch the stuff no matter how good somebody said it was. I can eat it now if I know its coming, but I still don't care that much for it. Know what I mean ?

 

What if your H only got that far ? How would you feel knowing he can man up and git her done, but only for you and only when you initiate ? How would you feel having to initiate all the time ?

 

I know, very little answers. Just more to think about. Thoughts, prayers, strength and good vibes all coming your way.

 

doomed

[doomed]

Oh, and just a lame attempt to lighten your day:

 

More sex is never the answer, but it IS the question. The answer is "yes, please.".

 

doomed

[Ronni_W]

OneFoot, that is the danger -- that, while he has taken this one, big, brave step, he can get stuck here. Or, he can move to a very depressed, rage-filled place. Normal, but not something you two ought to tackle without being able to draw on professional guidance/support.

 

He is deluding himself that he can recover on his own -- he just does not have the education, information, skills, tools and techniques (or he would have recovered by now, you may remind him.) But guilt and shame will be driving that need to keep it hidden from the rest of the world.

 

The part that is wishing it had known. You must do your utmost to have it come to total peace and understanding that it did not know, and wishing about it will only consume valuable energy and mental-emotional resources best spent on on current and future healing, growing and nurturing the Self, the other, the relationship, the family, etc., etc.

 

I would suggest...buy some time, any way that you can. Even a month or two. Possibly, ask him if he'll be able to stay long enough for YOU to build a support network for yourself. Assure him that you'd prefer to continue living together but that you will support his decision.

 

The risk is, of course, that he gets on his own, and just starts to sink deeper and faster.

 

Consult with a specialist counselor/therapist yourself. For your own strength and education, and also on how best to support him. You're right, of course, that "pushing" seems the last thing that you want to do.

 

But. "Pushing" may be exactly what is needed -- a professional will be able to help you determine if, when, and how much.

 

In the meantime, pick up a couple of books for him. (So he has a resource if/when he is ready.) Again, I only have the title of one: 'Reach for the Rainbow: Advanced Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse' by Lynne Finney.

 

Check local resources -- women's shelters, community services offices, child services, family physician -- wherever there may be pamphlets and such for "beginning healing".

 

Purely from my gut, I think it would be fair enough to let him know that you are prepared to tough it out with him, but NOT on your own -- you will need to see his active participation, too. That you absolutely will not put a time-table to any of it, but he needs to be aware that it is not limitless.

 

It's tough on you; it can completely overtake, and deplete and exhaust. So also to be gentle with yourself, and take the time-outs that YOU need to relax and rejuvenate and maintain your own body, mind and soul.

 

Big hugs. I am keeping you in my thoughts, and offering prayers.

[OneFootOut]

We’ve talked a lot more over the past couple days. Through these talks, he feels the only way to start over is to do so in separate households. I understand his view and he makes good points, I’m just afraid of the ‘what ifs’. What if we just can’t find that connection again, that we fully intend to work toward over the coming months? What if he never heals inside and even though we may reconnect it will only be back to the point we are now and there will still be that lack of intimacy? How long do we try this new effort? Will we be stuck in the same place for several more years?

 

I’m not giving up on him, or us, yet. I am willing to try this the way he needs to and keep hanging on and trying on my end. It’s a scary unknown, but will be worth the effort in the end regardless of the final outcome. If we reconnect and get back what we lost, that would be great. If not, we can at least move on in peace without regret because we will have known we did all we could.

 

So, I commit to a year of trying the new effort. I won’t cheat on him, even though I will have my own space with him out of the household. I haven’t strayed in these last 8 lonely years, so I can do one more for the hope of “us”. After that though, if we “don’t” reconnect, I don’t even have the foggiest idea how to start over and find what I need in my life. There’s no way in hell I would ever marry again, and I won’t move some guy in with my kids. So I have no clue where things will eventually end up. It seems like I just can’t win one way or the other. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

 

Thanks for the positive thoughts and prayers. I hope this works, time will tell.

[edgeof27]

We’ve talked a lot more over the past couple days. Through these talks, he feels the only way to start over is to do so in separate households. I understand his view and he makes good points, I’m just afraid of the ‘what ifs’. What if we just can’t find that connection again, that we fully intend to work toward over the coming months? What if he never heals inside and even though we may reconnect it will only be back to the point we are now and there will still be that lack of intimacy? How long do we try this new effort? Will we be stuck in the same place for several more years?

 

I’m not giving up on him, or us, yet. I am willing to try this the way he needs to and keep hanging on and trying on my end. It’s a scary unknown, but will be worth the effort in the end regardless of the final outcome. If we reconnect and get back what we lost, that would be great. If not, we can at least move on in peace without regret because we will have known we did all we could.

 

So, I commit to a year of trying the new effort. I won’t cheat on him, even though I will have my own space with him out of the household. I haven’t strayed in these last 8 lonely years, so I can do one more for the hope of “us”. After that though, if we “don’t” reconnect, I don’t even have the foggiest idea how to start over and find what I need in my life. There’s no way in hell I would ever marry again, and I won’t move some guy in with my kids. So I have no clue where things will eventually end up. It seems like I just can’t win one way or the other. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

 

Thanks for the positive thoughts and prayers. I hope this works, time will tell.

 

8 years, plus one more, you are throwing good after bad,

 

I know that you want to be there to assist in his recovery, but chances are after 8 years, that he will continue as is,

 

you have to focus on you,

 

you have needs that are not being met,

 

at this point in your relationship it is not cheating if you take care of your needs,

 

those eight years are gone,

 

you do not get them back,

 

recently someone quoted to me that;

 

"the days turn into weeks, turn into months, turn into years",

 

time slips away, I know that it has for me,

 

don't continue to deny your true self / feelings / needs,

 

sure do what you can for him,

 

but you have to take care of yourself first,

 

if you can not help yourself, you cannot help anyone else,

 

g....

[pelicanpreacher]

What points could he have made to explain how living by himself would help him to overcome the demons of the past? Honestly, if he were sitting there with a broken leg would he expect you to believe he has the ability to set the bone correctly without professional assistance?

 

I believe that he needs the separate residence to begin exploring and pursuing the pleasure side of his darker thoughts and needs the privacy to do so. In the meantime in between time he actually wants you to wait around while he "experiments" before he will make a decision whether or not to resume a relationship with you? He's kept his demons a secret from you for 8 years which is tantamount to lying by omission and now refuses to take the sensible step to fix his problems so I wouldn't put much faith, trust, or confidence in anything he says regarding his plans for the future!

 

I'm sorry for what he's been through but his ideas on how to move forward seem suspect to me so I'd advise that you begin building a single life for yourself in earnest. If he does take a turn toward the darkside in his sojourn he can't be allowed to use you as a safety net to fall back upon should he fail for, by his own decision to choose separation while rejecting professional counselling, he has surrendered his right to rely upon you as his wife and partner any longer. You had a right to know about his problems upfront yet he was perfectly happy imposing his dysfunction upon your marriage and stealing 8 years of your life in the process so you can't allow him further leeway to play with your mind or time anymore!

[doomed]

"Separating and rediscovering a real attraction" ... I misread the post and thought the separating was something else. That isn't going to happen on its own. In another thread, somebody suggested that any separation without concurrent marriage counseling is just another way to say "starting a divorce". I agree with that and I'd add that you each need individual counseling as well. All this counseling needs to start before one of you leaves the house. Are you strong enough to insist on that ? Can you tell him that he hasn't earned the right to walk away unless and until counseling is thoroughly and honestly pursued ?

 

doomed

[giotto]

I too believe that his path of recovery is very long and that these issues are seldom resolved in a short period of time. It might take years. I'm going through a similar thing with my wife. She is supposed to be in therapy to solve her upbringing issues, but she's still to find a therapist after 3 weeks... she prefers to bury her head in the sand. We are separated, but I don't intend to wait for her... I waited so many years that I don't believe her problems will ever go away. It's sad, but I have no power over this. I would recommend you build your own life. And I understand he has deep issues and the pain, but I think that withdrawing that important information from you - his wife and companion - for 8 years is simply unacceptable.

[OneFootOut]

I tend to agree with most of you. I just don't see how things could possibly work out without him getting counseling to deal with his past and the grip it has on him. He explains that he wants to start over dating. Go out and get to know each other again. But if he doesn't resolve his inner issues, intimacy will never be part of his life. He has it in his head that if we can start over and court again, we'll find that 'connection' we used to have a long time ago, and if that is back, maybe things will be better.

 

He's not a bad guy and he's not some deviant that wants to be alone to pursue darker thoughts and behaviors. I think his intentions are there, though a bit of a desperate stretch to make it work without the pain of facing his demons.

 

I also think the kids are a bit overwhelming to him. He wants his own space without dealing with the whining and crawling on him and constant demand for attention. I can understand that, but think its a bit selfish on his part. That's what being a daddy is. I am thinking more and more that he is not cut out to be a full time daddy even though he is only home with them after work and over the weekend. If he can't handle that little bit of time with "kid drama" then he's not cut out to be a daddy.

 

It does seem like all these years he has been living a 'single life' with me along for the ride though. So maybe that is still the mode he is in and doesn't know how to let the kids into his life the same way he doesn't know how to let me in.

 

I don't know. I have no clue anymore.

 

About the 'taking care of my needs isn't cheating'... Well, if I were to see another man, it would be cheating. I am still married and won't do that to myself or my husband. Besides, I am not the type to go have flings, and to have sex to have sex. I need to have my heart involved and have feelings for someone to be intimate with them. I don't see that happening anytime in the near or distant future. I've just been burned too much. The first two were red hot violent flames, and this one burned me with invisible flames, but burned just as bad.

 

I give up. Maybe the universe will bring someone down the road.. who knows. At this point I don't really care. I'm sad and hurt. But like I said before somewhere, it will be easier to be lonely if I am alone than it is to be alone with my husband in the same room.

[Kasan]

I really feel for you, and I can't even begin to fathom what you have gone through in this marriage.

 

What has struck me concerning your husband, is his need to live in separate houses, and his need to figure things out without the kids "whining and crawling on him and constant demand for attention."

 

It seems to me that once again his needs are coming first as they have all through the marriage. Yes, what he went through in his childhood was horrific, however, as an adult he should be able to understand that he has others depending on him to get his s*it together and the sooner the better.

 

I also wonder about his wanting to date you again.....how could he possibly get that connection again with you, if he hasn't had it for years?

 

It sounds like to me, he has been calling the shots in the marriage. Perhaps, it's time for you to start setting some boundaries on where you want this to go. Certainly his actions or lack of them affect you and your children.

 

It's one thing to take a stand and not give up on a partner, especially when they are willing to do whatever it takes to work on an issue, and quite another when they can't/won't admit the depth of the problem.

 

I would take this time and maybe go back to school, or develop a plan B in the event that you both realize that the marriage is no longer viable.

 

I am so sorry that you and your kids are having to experience this.....

[stillshocked]

You deserve a lot of credit for sticking around. You must really care about him and your family and I think that is very admirable and you should be proud of the fact that you did not desert him when times were tough.

[edgeof27]

I tend to agree with most of you.

I just don't see how things could possibly work out without him getting counseling to deal with his past and the grip it has on him.

 

you are right, he has not self-healed in the last 8 years, he won't in the next 8,

 

He explains that he wants to start over dating. Go out and get to know each other again. But if he doesn't resolve his inner issues, intimacy will never be part of his life. He has it in his head that if we can start over and court again, we'll find that 'connection' we used to have a long time ago, and if that is back, maybe things will be better.

 

this would be a complete waste of your time,

 

He's not a bad guy and he's not some deviant that wants to be alone to pursue darker thoughts and behaviors. I think his intentions are there, though a bit of a desperate stretch to make it work without the pain of facing his demons.

 

not a chance,

 

I also think the kids are a bit overwhelming to him. He wants his own space without dealing with the whining and crawling on him and constant demand for attention. I can understand that, but think its a bit selfish on his part. That's what being a daddy is. I am thinking more and more that he is not cut out to be a full time daddy even though he is only home with them after work and over the weekend. If he can't handle that little bit of time with "kid drama" then he's not cut out to be a daddy.

 

of course kids are overwhelming, ignoring them isn't the answer,

 

It does seem like all these years he has been living a 'single life' with me along for the ride though. So maybe that is still the mode he is in and doesn't know how to let the kids into his life the same way he doesn't know how to let me in.

 

he sounds selfish, immature, &, somewhat "enabled",

 

I don't know. I have no clue anymore.

 

after 8 years who would,

 

About the 'taking care of my needs isn't cheating'...

 

sorry to offend your sensibilities, but, 8 years......enough,

 

Well, if I were to see another man, it would be cheating.

I am still married and won't do that to myself or my husband.

Besides, I am not the type to go have flings, and to have sex to have sex. I need to have my heart involved and have feelings for someone to be intimate with them.

I don't see that happening anytime in the near or distant future.

I've just been burned too much.

The first two were red hot violent flames, and this one burned me with invisible flames, but burned just as bad.

 

sorry to hear that, pretty painfull, I understand your "caution",

 

I give up.

 

you can not give up,

 

Maybe the universe will bring someone down the road.. who knows.

 

very likely, but you have to be observant of the universe sending someone down the road to you,

 

At this point I don't really care.

 

I'm sad and hurt.

 

But like I said before somewhere,

 

it will be easier to be lonely if I am alone than it is to be alone with my husband in the same room.

 

dont chose to be alone......

 

 

One Foot Out,

 

sorry if my advice doesn't always hit the mark that you want,

 

I really am trying to give you my best advice,

 

I believe we waste too much time waiting for change,

 

instead of creating change,

 

g....

[OneFootOut]

As if I needed more heartache... my beloved Maggie collapsed at my feet and passed away tonight. She was a black & white beagle, and had been by my side for 13 years.

 

I feel as if my whole life is unraveling and falling apart. I have been crying on and off for days, but now the tears won't stop. I'm absolutely shattered.

[Ronni_W]

So sorry to hear about Maggie, OneFootOut.

Not sure if you share the belief but...now you have another angel watching over you!

My sympathies on your loss. Sending Comfort and Strength...

...and hugs.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

One foot, so sorry about Maggie. How terrible. Please spend some time researching the outcomes for people who have been through what your husband has been through. They aren't good. It's the kind of situation that "keeps on giving".

 

I think you are being taken for a ride here. Protect your heart. I know taht this must be a terrible difficult time for you. IWWH

[Mountains10]

As if I needed more heartache... my beloved Maggie collapsed at my feet and passed away tonight. She was a black & white beagle, and had been by my side for 13 years.

 

I feel as if my whole life is unraveling and falling apart. I have been crying on and off for days, but now the tears won't stop. I'm absolutely shattered.

 

 

OneFootOut,

 

Hang in there, I'm sorry about your loss, I really am. If it's any consolation, I can sorta relate. I lost my job soon a couple months after my wife left me. Just when you think you've hit the bottom, you fall a little further. Just take a lot of time to yourself and try and stay positive and busy and keep posting here, these people at LS are very supportive.

[serial muse]

Hi OFO,

 

I've read your story on several threads - wow, what a turning point. I'm glad he was finally able to confess this to you. That seems like a big step.

 

Here's a question, though - I'm not sure how many details he gave you about his past (particularly how old he was when the abuse happened), but have you considered that the reason he might want to live separately for a while isn't so much about you and him living apart as it is about him and the kids? I am NOT suggesting that he would "pay it forward", as far as the horrible abuse he suffered, and I don't know the exact timeline of when you had kids together and when he pulled back physically...but is it possible that the presence of the kids may actually have been the ultimate trigger for his trauma, and the reason why he finally pulled away altogether? It's possible that he was able to suppress it in the early years, before you had children together, but the mere presence of young kids might have forced him to face things he spent a lifetime pointedly not facing.

 

The only thing that will really help him is therapy - and it might take him a while to accept that he can share his story with other people the way he's begun to open up with you. It's huge that he told you at all, though, especially considering that he's gotten no support from elsewhere. That is a very promising start for him. I know it's asking a lot of you to hang in there, and other posters are right in saying that you have to do what's best for you, too. But I just wanted to add a note of hopefulness - it seems that there is movement in your situation, even if it's glacially slow.

 

And I'm so sorry for your loss.

[SRV]

Serial Muse, brilliant analysis!

[2sunny]

i agree with all the advice about counseling and the fact that he should get some direction and clarity about healing. he can't get past a hurdle that big on his own.

 

in the meantime - both of you should be able to be intimate and show caring actions to each other that reinforces a love and bond even though you may not actually have sex.

 

this emotional and mental bond can potentially lead to a very fulfilling life with each other. the sex is secondary to the connection that you have together. it should not be overlooked or discounted.

[OneFootOut]

Thanks everyone for your kind words about my 'best friend' passing. And for all of the advice here.

 

Well..

 

He was dead set on getting his own place so he could have some space. I finally resolved myself to trying it his way and seeing what happened. I was ready for the change, and actually welcoming the idea. Things are more peaceful here when he's gone. He's had to be away with work and family emergencies before and when he's gone, the house is cleaner, the kids aren't stressed out and whining all the time and things are just more peaceful.

 

So now he has changed his mind and doesn't want to be away from us. I don't know if that is genuine, like omg, I love and need my family, or if its more just the fear of being alone after so many years being with us. His changing his mind sort of threw me for a loop yet again. After all these years, I can't even find words to describe how emotionally and mentally exhausted I am.

 

There is just nothing left between us, from either of us. Sure, we love and care about each other because we have kids and a history together. But there's nothing left beyond that. I don't want this to drag on until we get where we don't even like each other. Or drag on until we're too old to enjoy our lives once we do split.

 

On a good note, he has agreed to marriage counseling. That sounds well and good, but we have to actually go and apply anything we learn to try to fix things. The next step is getting him to actually go and not keep putting it off. I tell you, at this point, I really don't see any way to revive something that's no longer in either of us. I also suggested we both take a parenting class, in hopes he will learn how to interact with the kids more patiently.

 

Someone had asked if having the kids started this behavior in him. No. This started a few years into our marriage when he just couldn't force himself to be physical with me anymore. He had tried to play the part, instead of coming clean way back then. The children came along when we were trying to work this out before in 2005, and 2006. They were each a result of being together no more than a couple times, because before hey had came along, I had both feet out the door. It was just a last ditch effort to save us in 2005 when we hooked up. I had to back up and rethink things once I was pregnant.

 

Now the excitement of the kids is over and he's back to being unapproachable, untouchable, and uninterested. We haven't touched since our son was conceived which was like back in March of 2006. Now that they are toddlers and want to play with him and talk to him, he keeps getting impatient and intolerant and not wanting them around him for the most part.

 

That's another BIG issue that is driving me to want to split too. What little time he is home, he needs to be all about them and play with them and enjoy their company, but unless they are being perfect little quiet angels, he doesn't want them around him. It's nothing mean spirited, its just like , not now, I'm watching TV, or get off of me and go play (if they try to climb on him).

 

I want to go back and try the separation idea. Because I think it would give all of us the break and peace we need, and give each of us the chance to reevaluate and fix our inner selves before trying to start over. I'm just not sure how to get him to agree again since he's flipped on the whole idea.

[pelicanpreacher]

Sit him down and tell him what you've observed since his disconnection with you started. Remind him that before the children came along you were all but 2 feet out the door on the marriage and it was only because of the unplanned pregnancies that made you rethink your position. Point out the future you've envisioned here if things don't drastically change on his part. Reassure him that none of this is any of his fault but he would probably heal much faster pursuing therapy within a space of his own and that throughout his ordeal you will always stand by him. Let him know that once he's exorcised his demons and can truly define what he wants, what he can do, and what he expects then you can sit down and make plans for the future. Assure him of your loyalty and faithfulness to him as he endures his ordeal but bluntly assert the fact that he owed you the truth at the onset of his new feelings back then which has made you so unhappy in this marriage without intimacy since March of 2006 that you can no longer accept the status quo and must now ask him to move out in order to move forward for your own sanity. Though you will forgive him for his lie of omission, 8 years is enough tiime sacrificed in your life behind this so he needs to sh#t or get off the pot NOW!