Now I know, and I'm blown away... what now?

[OneFootOut]

So.. now he has decided once again to leave the house and get his own.

 

He admitted to me that he had never realized things were as wrong as they are, even with my banners waving, BECAUSE nothing was wrong from his point of view. He had no desire for any intimacy on any level, so it never bothered him that there wasn't any. He was comfortable and couldn't grasp why it has been such a big deal and emotional hell for me. Now, I think he gets it, but I am still not totally sure. I have tried to explain things from my side to where he can understand now that we are talking openly and honestly.

 

What are we trying to accomplish? He needs his space so he can go in his "man cave" (his words) and do some deep soul searching. He has agreed to get counseling for his inner demons, as well as parenting courses, and we plan to try marriage counseling as well.

 

I keep asking him what HE is working toward with us. He wants me to be his gf and to date and hang out and get to know each other again. Then we will be able to see whether or not we can save our marriage and family. This has me slightly confused.

 

If he is never going to be interested in anything physical or intimate, how will we ever get it back together? What are we trying to do? It has me baffled. I think he is putting it all on the line to bet if we can find that spark again that he will magically be healed and want to be intimate with me. I don't know. The way I feel inside, its going to take more than a few dates to interest me again, even if he was to miraculously overcome his hang ups. I'm not there anymore, I don't feel the desire and attraction to be with him either. But the death of my passion and desire was slow and painful over the years, and brought on by his constant rejection. I don't know if I ever will feel that way about him again, so where does that leave us?

 

A lot of unknowns lay ahead.

 

I'm so tired and so utterly sad inside. I think losing Maggie has just pushed me over the edge into a whole new level of being totally empty and the pain is unbearable right now. With all this other stuff going on, and the emotional struggle over the years, I'm just done. But being ever so faithful and committed, I intend to see if his plan can work, and give counseling an honest shot.

 

I want to be able to say we tried everything humanly possible to make this work before we end up apart for good. Who knows.. maybe it will work and we can get on with our life together and put the misery behind us. Stranger things have happened.

[OneFootOut]

Sit him down and tell him what you've observed since his disconnection with you started. Remind him that before the children came along you were all but 2 feet out the door on the marriage and it was only because of the unplanned pregnancies that made you rethink your position. Point out the future you've envisioned here if things don't drastically change on his part. Reassure him that none of this is any of his fault but he would probably heal much faster pursuing therapy within a space of his own and that throughout his ordeal you will always stand by him. Let him know that once he's exorcised his demons and can truly define what he wants, what he can do, and what he expects then you can sit down and make plans for the future. Assure him of your loyalty and faithfulness to him as he endures his ordeal but bluntly assert the fact that he owed you the truth at the onset of his new feelings back then which has made you so unhappy in this marriage without intimacy since March of 2006 that you can no longer accept the status quo and must now ask him to move out in order to move forward for your own sanity. Though you will forgive him for his lie of omission, 8 years is enough tiime sacrificed in your life behind this so he needs to sh#t or get off the pot NOW!

 

 

I told him.

[signedin2008]

So.. now he has decided once again to leave the house and get his own.

 

Ask him:

 

1) Is he seeing someone else?

 

2) Is he gay?

 

3) What would be ideal for him, you , and the family? What can you and him do to accomplish that?

[OneFootOut]

Ask him:

 

1) Is he seeing someone else?

 

2) Is he gay?

 

3) What would be ideal for him, you , and the family? What can you and him do to accomplish that?

 

1] No.

2] No, I asked. If he is, I honestly don't even think he knows.

3] Good question.

 

Ideal for him - a platonic marriage with no intimacy and a happy wife that accepted that lifestyle with no complaints. This is what I think, I can't really answer for him.

 

Ideal for me - a full and complete marriage, which would include intimacy on many levels, and a partner who would enjoy participating in and initiating said levels. Among other things, like honest open communication, romance, fun, trust, love, adventure, etc.

 

For the family - me, him, 4 kids - Happy involved parents who are each fulfilled in their personal lives so the family unit would be strong and a wonderful environment for growth and nurturing and love.

 

Thats the best I can do right now, we both have a lot of soul-searching to do.

[signedin2008]

Can you verify his answers to questions 1 and 2? If so, how?

[OneFootOut]

Can you verify his answers to questions 1 and 2? If so, how?

 

1. My husband has issues. He doesn't want to be physical with anyone, not just me. I am absolutely positive he is not seeing anyone else.

 

2. Well.. there's no real evidence either way I guess. Just that I know now about his issues and why he is so distant and non-physical. I am assuming that would include no desire to be with a male either, since he has no desire for any kind of physical contact with another human.

[OneFootOut]

I have been feeling rather angry today. I won't lay my anger on him, because I am mature enough to handle this peacefully and with some degree of grace. Besides, we are each individuals on our own journey through life and this is just something else we each have to experience as part of that journey, no matter how confusing and hurtful it may be.

 

My anger stems from realizing that everything is still conforming to his comfort zones, his needs, and his issues. I'm not sure if I am more angry at myslef for allowing him so much consideration, or at him for putting me through this for so long, or just at the situation.

 

This man wants to move out of the house to find peace and quiet and his own space. Gee, wouldn't we ALL like that? The main responsibillity of the children will be mine, which I am fine with, I already raised two nearly on my own. But now he's going to be the cool daddy with the cool new house and lots of new toys, etc. I'm going to have to still adjust my life to fit into his. He will visit and play with the kids when it is convenient to him, and he is in the mood.

 

He wants to "work on us"... meaning: he wants me to be his platonic girlfriend. Again, when he has time for me, and when he is in the mood to go out. I'm angry, because after all of these years, and all of the honest and open, heartfelt conversations, it seems he still doesn't get me.

 

I don't want to be strung along another - however long - being his platonic playpal to keep him company. It would still be catering to his needs, without regard to mine.

 

I don't have a soft place to fall, there is no one else, not even a good friend with shoulder to lean on. I'm not going to run and get involved with another man just to get some physical affection or sexual gratification, but if I am still tied to him as his wife-but separated-just a friend-never intimate-platonic girlfriend, I'll never have the chance to meet anyone if anyone were to come along some day.

 

I thought I was doing all I could to give him the benefit of the doubt. I thought he and us were worth fighting for and I held on all these years. Now I can't see where it could possibly go from here to be better, real, whole, and repaired. Why do I keep f'ing trying? Why do I keep f'ing hanging on?

 

My nerves can't take much more, why am I so angry now? What am I going to do? What is he going to do? What are WE going to do?

 

Someone help me find a little hope in this, PLEASE, I need to see a glimmer at the end of this tunnel

[doomed]

Hi OFO. I think you have every right to be angry - at him. Don't be too angry with yourself just yet. You need to give yourself as much patience as you've given him. Remember, a week ago you just found out all this new information.

 

You've only got a week's worth of experience trying to understand and maybe eliminate some of the walls he has built.

 

He, however, has a *lifetime* of experience at building and reenforcing those walls. He has a lifetime of experience at manipulating the situation so that he never leaves his comfort zone. He's probably not even conscious of it anymore - just a completely automatic "return to comfort" sort of thing.

 

Much like the way I just shifted because my butt cheek went to sleep. Automatic.

 

doomed

[OneFootOut]

Well, he certainly wasted no time to leave. He got some money together Saturday and he rented a place this morning, took the day off work, and moved out. I'm standing here in a house that looks like a tornado went through it, my 3 year old knows something is up, she's asking why daddy left to the new house, and said she is sad.

 

He's not far off, so visiting for the kids won't be an issue. He STILL says that this is all temporary, not to worry.. that we will get counseling and fix our issues and find each other again. Then we'll be back together.

 

Temporary? Why did he take everything he owned? Why split the accounts? Why remove himself from all the utilities and joint accounts associated with me and this house? Why separate the car ins policies?

 

Question is.. Is he really lying to me in my face, or he is really in a full blown denial of how final his actions are?

 

Oh well.. guess you can call me two feet out now. Not sure what my next move is. As much as I am putting some reason and understanding to all of this - he is who he is, I am who I am, etc. - it's still quite a blow. Also, even though "I" have been struggling to fix it basically on my own and probably believed this was coming.. it has really happened quite sudden and quickly.

 

Guess I'll go think on things a while. Thanks to ALL of you for your support and advice through this.

[pelicanpreacher]

Hi OFO. I think you have every right to be angry - at him. Don't be too angry with yourself just yet. You need to give yourself as much patience as you've given him. Remember, a week ago you just found out all this new information.

 

You've only got a week's worth of experience trying to understand and maybe eliminate some of the walls he has built.

 

He, however, has a *lifetime* of experience at building and reenforcing those walls. He has a lifetime of experience at manipulating the situation so that he never leaves his comfort zone. He's probably not even conscious of it anymore - just a completely automatic "return to comfort" sort of thing.

 

Much like the way I just shifted because my butt cheek went to sleep. Automatic.

 

doomed

 

TMI, Doomed, TMI!!! :lmao::lmao:

[edgeof27]

Well, he certainly wasted no time to leave. He got some money together Saturday and he rented a place this morning, took the day off work, and moved out. I'm standing here in a house that looks like a tornado went through it, my 3 year old knows something is up, she's asking why daddy left to the new house, and said she is sad.

 

How much notice did he give you to prepare the Kids for his exit....

 

He's not far off, so visiting for the kids won't be an issue. He STILL says that this is all temporary, not to worry.. that we will get counseling and fix our issues and find each other again. Then we'll be back together.

 

Not a chance, I do not think that this is what you want...

 

Temporary? ....Nope,

 

Why did he take everything he owned? .... he ain't coming back,

 

Why split the accounts? .... he's got plans, &, doesn't want you to see the activity,

 

Why remove himself from all the utilities and joint accounts associated with me and this house? .....he's moving on, without you....

 

Why separate the car ins policies?....easier to cut you off in the future....

 

He's probably suffering from two or three Personality Disorders....NPD for one...

 

Question is.. Is he really lying to me in my face, or he is really in a full blown denial of how final his actions are?

 

Both, lying, &, denying.....

 

Oh well.. guess you can call me two feet out now. Not sure what my next move is. As much as I am putting some reason and understanding to all of this - he is who he is, I am who I am, etc. - it's still quite a blow. Also, even though "I" have been struggling to fix it basically on my own and probably believed this was coming.. it has really happened quite sudden and quickly.

 

He sounds very self centered, with no thought for you or the kids....

 

Guess I'll go think on things a while. Thanks to ALL of you for your support and advice through this.

 

One Foot Out,

 

I think he is trying to deal with "coming out", and he just cannot tell you,

 

Please stay strong,

 

do not waste any more of your time worrying about him,

 

g....

[OneFootOut]

I finally figured out why I was angry.

 

When I realized and acknowledged there were issues that were wrong, I held on and tried to help fix things for about the last 8 years.

 

When he FINALLY acknowledged and admitted there were issues, he left. He didn't give me the same devotion and effort that I had put in for all these years. He barely gave me a week.

 

That just sucks.

 

He is still pleading with me to just trust him and have faith in him. He swears that the only reason he needs his space is so he can focus on working on himself. He swears he is committed to fixing things and becoming the partner I need.

 

I'm trying so hard to understand and to be patient.

 

 

 

Edge..

I appreciate your opinions and views, but as far as "do not waste any more of your time worrying about him"

 

I can't turn off my feelings like a light switch. I'm not angry at him to the point of telling him to piss off and get out of my life. He is dealing with his own things right now, and I can't hold that against him or be upset with him over it. I have invested 12 years with this man and have 4 children ( 2 from previous, and 2 of his). He is my friend and I love and care about him, so I intend to see him through his troubles as I would any friend.

 

However, I will also be working on me, to regain my sense of self and value again. I have realized over the last couple weeks that this whole long ordeal has taken more of a toll on me than I had thought, so I need to work out some inner issues as well and repair some internal damage.