How to tell him I'm not buying a place together until we're married?

[kaykat]

I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. He has started to talk about buying a house, and has made it obvious through various references that he assumes we're buying a house together. We do not currently live together, and have not had any serious talks about getting married, although we always refer to the future in terms of it involving one another.

 

My problem is this: I feel quite strongly that I do not want to buy a property with someone I'm not married to. I haven't told him that, but I do intend to, as soon as I figure out a good way to approach it!

 

I don't want to push marriage on him or even give the perception that that's what I'm doing. Although I would marry him if he asked, I want it to be entirely his decision. I also don't want him to think the reason I don't want to buy a place with him has anything to do with the relationship itself or him, because I adore him and it really doesn't. Whether it makes sense or not, I just don't think it's a good idea.

 

Any thoughts on how to address this with him? We're not at all prone to having 'relationship talks' so I don't want this to blow up on me.

 

Any tips would be appreciated!! Thanks:)

[Geishawhelk]

Well, I personally think perhaps you might like to feign the "innocent and naive" approach and next time he mentions it, ask him - "Well, obviously, If we're buying a house together, we'll be married, so when are we therefore going to have time to plan the wedding?" and smile sweetly, and wait for an answer.....

 

take it from there.....

 

That's what I might consider doing....

[Davey McG]

Just tell him outright.

 

You don't have to buy a place together to live together. You can always rent. Tell him that you don't want the responsibility/hassle/risk of buying a place with someone unless you're married.

[Ronni_W]

I agree with Davey. It is a huge investment, and if co-investing is not your financial style or preference...well, then it just isn't, and that is fair enough.

 

Be honest about ALL your feelings, needs, concerns, dislikes, desires and goals. Besides, marriage ain't gonna happen as long as you both just ignore having an open and truthful conversation about your relationship.

 

OTOH, our mortgage outlasted our marriage...so that's no guarantee, either.

[Enema]

Why do you need to be married to buy the property together?

 

I have a hard time seeing why the marriage label on your relationship makes any difference. If the relationship is great, going strong, no reason to think it'll end in the near future... why not get a property together?

 

Do you even know if he ever wants to get married?

[allina]

The best way is to say something like "I'm not comfortable buying property with someone I'm not married to, so this is not something I'm willing to do."

[Lizzie60]

'I'm not buying a place together until we're married'

 

Although I think you'd be better off to buy it with him.. as co-owners without marriage... try it first... at least if it doesn't work out.. you're going to be 50/50 on the house.

 

No need to get married to rent or buy a house..

 

I can understand him NOT wanting to get married..

[allina]

I'd like to add something. It's actually safer to buy together as co-owners, it's more cut and dry than buying as a married couple. I plan to buy with my SO so I've looked in to it.

 

I understand if you don't want to for other reasons but if it's about risk/obligation/rights then I wouldn't worry about it.

[Enema]

My spider sense is tingling.

 

I don't think she'll have a good reason for wanting to wait until marriage to buy the property together.

 

Perhaps it's a sub-conscious way of pressuring marriage.

[Lizzie60]

methink the same..

[norajane]

Just be open and honest. When he mentions it again, tell him that you don't want to make such a large financial purchase with him or anyone unless you're married. And ask him what his thoughts are about that.

 

 

Does it matter why she doesn't want to? She didn't ask for advice on that.

 

I wouldn't live with anyone or buy property with someone I'm not married to. I value my privacy and independence. I'd rather buy my OWN place than buy it with someone. Why get tied down to someone financially unless you've already gone so far as to get married?

[Island Girl]

I completely understand.

 

I feel the same way.

 

If you are looking for a way to put it out there without pushing him toward the proposal, you can say, "that is such a big step and we haven't even really discussed marriage yet." And then change the subject.

 

If he pushes the issue further then you are going to have to make a clarification statement, "I just would never really consider that kind of a purchase with someone I am not married to. After all it would be signing on for a mortgage for the next 30 years." And say this with a smile in your voice if that makes sense.

 

There shouldn't be any questions after that.

[carhill]

Hint: Let him buy it, get married, co-mingle funds used to pay for it and then take equity in the divorce. Great upside potential as the RE market bottoms.

 

Seriously, OP, encourage him to buy on his own, if you're not interested, and also discuss getting a pre-nuptial agreement to deal with any sole and separate assets brought into the marriage. Good luck!

[keechie]

My spider sense is tingling.

 

I don't think she'll have a good reason for wanting to wait until marriage to buy the property together.

 

Perhaps it's a sub-conscious way of pressuring marriage.

 

 

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree here. Perhaps some women out there may do this as a way to pressure it subconsciously, but I see it more as a case of wanting to watch out for yourself before you get too invested in the relationship.

 

Why?

 

1. When a girl moves in with a guy, whether it is buying or renting, and whether it involves marriage or not, it becomes an "our" thing. Regardless if you become co-owners of a house you're buying (which I do agree that co-owning is smarter than just buying as a married couple), it is still an "our" thing, and if that falls through, it is heartbreaking. I've seen it happen to friends of mine, and the emotional pain is often worse than the financial problems that come with it when the couple breaks up. Of course, yes, divorces happen. Obviously marriage is not a foolproof way to prevent losing an investment such as a house if the couple decides to split up, but it is nice knowing that if you are going to buy the house, then your partner has shown that they are committed to you, (which for some, means marriage, and for some could just mean another thing).

 

2. The original poster obviously feels uncomfortable in making such a large investment without having what she feels is a steadfast commitment. This is very smart; I mean, who would want to put such a large amount of money and invest themself that much more emotionally into something if they aren't sure what page their partner is on? If marriage happens to be the symbol of commitment that she wants, then she needs to talk to him and find out what he feels on the subject. Regardless of what he feels is right for him- marriage or not, it seems like what she is looking for is reassurance that he is in it as much as she is. Perhaps they will get married and buy a house. Perhaps they won't get married and they'll still buy a house. In whatever scenario, they both need to know from each other that they are both in it for the long haul, because ya know, mortgages take a while to pay off!

 

Kaykat, just tell him exactly what you told us. If it helps, do some research, and find out what the consequences would be if you were to buy a house and then break up, (hopefully that's not going to happen, but it's good for the both of you to be informed). Tell him what your fears are. Definitely look up information on being co-owners in your state. Do you have friends who have bought a house already, married or not? Ask them about their experiences, and what advice they might have.

[andwhoknew]

Any thoughts on how to address this with him?

 

Buying a house is a long process. At some point he will make another reference that implies you are buying property together. At that point, you tell him clearly and directly, "I am not interested in buying property with someone I am not married to."

 

There are lots of valid reasons for feeling the way you do about buying property, and you don't have to offer any of them. Optionally, you can offer to assist him in the process as much as is warranted and you feel comfortable with.

 

We ... have not had any serious talks about getting married... Although I would marry him if he asked, I want it to be entirely his decision. ... We're not at all prone to having 'relationship talks' so I don't want this to blow up on me.

 

Whoa -- wait a minute here. You're afraid articulating your needs will "blow up" on you? And you want marriage to be entirely "his" decision?

 

Buying a house together should be a joint decision. Marrying should be a joint decision. For him to assume otherwise is incredibly presumptuous. I have warning bells going off here. Sounds like a lot of your relationship is based on inference and assumptions. This is a communication problem -- why did he just assume you would buy a house with him? Do you always go along with what he wants? Do you usually have trouble telling him what you want and what you need? The sooner you can fix the communication problem the fewer breakdowns like this one you will have.

 

Good communication takes practice -- start now!

 

Best of luck.

[clv0116]

Never go into business with someone you don't want to live without.

[Island Girl]

Never go into business with someone you don't want to live without.

 

Or may want to live without you.

[clv0116]

Or may want to live without you.

 

Yup. Point being this proposal is an inappropriate mixing of business with pleasure. I can't imagine a worse situation than living in a co-owned residence with an ex-lover. My god, the horror.

[Island Girl]

Yup. Point being this proposal is an inappropriate mixing of business with pleasure. I can't imagine a worse situation than living in a co-owned residence with an ex-lover. My god, the horror.

 

Yeah no kidding.

 

In the event there is a divorce the two people involved can at least go in front of a neutral party and have representation to negotiate an agreement of division of the assets.

 

Not necessarily so if there isn't that "piece of paper" that so many people think is unimportant these days.

 

It isn't just a piece of paper. It is a legal contract.

 

One of my friends had to find out about how rotten things can be when buying a home without being married. She had paid the entire down payment and she had paid half of the mortgage for three years.

He cheated. He wouldn't move and she didn't want to stay there (probably for fear of there being a homicide) so she left and immediately sought counsel.

She was advised there could be no pain and suffering due to the affair (which she would have had if they were married) and that there would be no way to force the sale of the home to get her down payment back.

 

Since there are no common law marriage laws here and they lived and broke up here there is little legal recourse.

 

Here's a great article to CYA as much as possible if anyone out there is planning on living together rather than marriage: http://hffo.cuna.org/12433/article/1958/html

 

But I would think this would be just as difficult to agree on as a prenup if not more so.

[BlackLovely]

I've been with my boyfriend for three years now. He has started to talk about buying a house, and has made it obvious through various references that he assumes we're buying a house together. We do not currently live together, and have not had any serious talks about getting married, although we always refer to the future in terms of it involving one another.

 

My problem is this: I feel quite strongly that I do not want to buy a property with someone I'm not married to. I haven't told him that, but I do intend to, as soon as I figure out a good way to approach it!

 

I don't want to push marriage on him or even give the perception that that's what I'm doing. Although I would marry him if he asked, I want it to be entirely his decision. I also don't want him to think the reason I don't want to buy a place with him has anything to do with the relationship itself or him, because I adore him and it really doesn't. Whether it makes sense or not, I just don't think it's a good idea.

 

Any thoughts on how to address this with him? We're not at all prone to having 'relationship talks' so I don't want this to blow up on me.

 

Any tips would be appreciated!! Thanks:)

 

 

How can you expect to have a good relationship without ever communicating about issues?

It's not healthy that you're afraid to tell him how you feel about this.

How to tell him? Open your mouth and say, "I will not buy property with a man I'm not married to." He can take it or leave it.

[ywonder]

I'm going through the same exact thing. We're in the process of buying property and just a few weeks I was going crazy as of what or how to tell him, it wasn't going to happen if we weren't married. Guys actually listen! All I had to say was: I always wanted to get married before we moved in together(like you we don't live together yet)..and he understood. The key is knowing whether or not he wants marriage at the same pace or timing he wants to buy the home. With my boyfriend..he's been looking forward to getting married, so even though I was a nervous wreck trying to figure out how he felt on my own..was not worth it. Try triggering a marriage conversation..like someone else getting married. Then one thing after another, either he'll ask: so when do you want to get married. Or you can easily bring up the well I've always wanted to get married before we bought a home issue. Worked like a charm! Neither of us are expressive, so I'm sure he's feeling some weird emotion right now, just like you...good luck.