My sister(17) is foul mouthed and hits my mom, in front of the little kids...

[bicyclejunk]

Alright i'll make it easy:I'm 25, male, live here in Seattle.

 

 

My mom lives in NYC with my stepdad(who's on a 3 month work detail in Miami right now) My sister(17), brother(6) and other sister (8). Mom has been having trouble with my sister (17)ever since they moved there 3 years ago. We have a very loving family, the little ones are so well behaved and we've always been taught good manners and to repect our family etc. Well, my sister(17)...She's doing bad in school, Hangs out with her friends whenever she wants, when she is home, she's in her room all the time sleeps all day, doesn't have a job, takes long long showers, doesn't pay any rent or utilities, my mom and dad pay for her own phone and own cable in her room. Anyway, she is very very disrespectful to my mom, when my dad is away. She wasn't always like that. When i lived with them, she would show disrespect, but not at the level it is now. She'll hit my mom when her back is turned, call her fat, ugly or spit at her etc. If she doesn't get her way AND...All in front of the little ones. But some days she'll come up to my mom and hug her and tell her she's sorry and tell her that she's the best mom in the world. But if my mom asks her to take out the trash or watch the kids for 15 minutes, she blows up and throws a huge fit. I really feel bad and don't know what to do. My mom isn't handling it well and has been trying to set reasonable rules, but they're not being followed so she feels like giving up all hope, she has tried everything, couseling, medication, etc.. My mom and the kids are getting ready to move in 4 months to permantly live in Miami with dad and his job. my sister(17) does NOT want to go. She'll be 18 soon.

 

I don't know...I'm just curious guys, what do you think we should do? I hate for the little ones to see and hear all that stuff.

My mom and Dad have a great thing together, the kids are great, but my sister is just ruining things for all of them. If i try to talk to her, it seems to work, but then she'll just go back to her bad ways, she lies a lot and will even lie and tell mom that i said "I hate mom too sis"...

 

What do i do?

[LadyX]

First thing....Mom needs to disconnect the cable and phone in her room. And then she needs to learn the meaning of "tough love" the girl will be 18 soon. Let her start providing for herself, if she doesn't want to move, let her stay there. A little reality goes a long way!

[HokeyReligions]

This sounds way worse than normal teenage anger. Especially the physical violence. If counseling has not worked (I'm confused - who went to counseling? did your sister go?) then it sounds like some tough-love drastic measures may be called for. Has your sister been checked out thoroughly by a doctor? Perhaps she has some schizophrenia, or something may be wrong with her medially that is triggering these outbursts. If she has not gone to counseling get her into therapy, even if it means residing in a clinic for a while. Perhaps you can find one near you and bring your sister there for treatment. That would help your mom and the little ones. You are right - the other kids should not see any of this. Can you find a place near you where your sister can get some counseling? That would help your mom, and since she responds better to you, you will be near enough to visit her. And it will get her away from the kids she's running with now. Have you also thought about possible drug use causing this?

[aquaria127]

I agree with what hokeyreligions said about the counseling.

 

It is logical to assume that your mom's schedule is hectic with taking care of the kids and your dad gone, and she may not have the time to show your sister more attention. also trying to prepare for this move to miami. what is your living situation like in seattle? could you maybe take your sister under your wing and help her decide what she wants to do?

[EnigmaXOXO]

The hairs just stood up on the back of my neck.

 

Your sister is a mirror image of my daughter. And although her father was around, he did not participate as a father should when it came to discipline. Rather than deal with any sort of confrontation, he preferred to leave the room or bribe her with money and gifts as a means to "buy" her good behavior.

 

LadyX is right on the mark. Mom is going to have to practice "tough love" and start taking away privileges and stand her ground. Of course, while dad is away, your mom won't have that "united front" she needs and your sister may respond by lashing out even more. Once a teenager reaches an age where they understand a parent's bark is worse than their bite, they loose their fear and respect. Particularly nowadays, when a parent is not permitted to discipline their children physically any more without the threat of being reported to the Child Protection Agency. And as long as they’re under the age of eighteen, you are not allowed by law to kick them out of the house.

 

In my daughter's case, it was drug use and alcohol...as well as the crowd she was hanging with. She was also spoiled, and rarely suffered any consequence for her bad behavior from the other adults and authority figures in her life...except for mom. Even the police would let her off easy because she was "cute." One cop even told her "how" to get out of a D.W.I when she was finally brought to court!

 

No one can say for certain whether this is the case with your sister unless she is diagnosed by a qualified psych. You said counseling didn't work...you need to get her to another. My daughter had four of them give up on her before she was finally referred to a psychologist. Girl even had a friend working community hours down at the Junction who would "swap" with her during her weekly drug urine tests!

 

Hopefully this is not the case with your sister. With any luck, it’s just a bad case of adolescent rebellion. One more year to go, and your mother can ask her to leave the home if she is worried about the influence it might have on the younger kids. But she's going to have to find the courage to kick her out of the nest...and this can be real difficult when you love your children so much and want nothing more than to "save" them.

 

No tougher job in the world than parenting a teenager in the world today. Your mom's going to need professional help...and FAST!

[bicyclejunk]

Yeah she went to counseling, she went to a clinic for a few weeks. she was on Prozac for a while, but they just didn't seem to work. The thing is that, She knows that she's being bad, she knows she could be doing better, she tells me all this... she's just lazy to do any work on herself. A lot of the friends she runs with don't have the best family situations. So my sis actually lies and says that she has it worse at home than she actually does, to get sympathy out of other people. And to find other places to stay. Bottom line, My sis just wants to be free, she doesn't want to have to work or do any chores or have any responsabilities. She thinks my mom is nagging her all the time, and when sister doesn't get her way, she gets angry and violent. I mean maybe it's becuase my mom had two other kids after my sis and so she felt like she didn't get much attention. i don't know. We always tried to be there for her. mom mom has always tried to include my sis in tons of things, but has given up in the past couple months, becuase my sister never wants to be home. She was very spoiled as a child. My mom spolied her, Bigtime. She would throw major temper tantrums as a child, but we thought she'd just outgrow it.

[EnigmaXOXO]

she was on Prozac for a while, but they just didn't seem to work

 

Ditto...because my daughter was able to falsify her drug tests, she was first diagnosed as "manic," and then "bi-polar" and placed on numerous medications that in essence, had no effect. They then diagnosed her with a personality disorder referred to as "Disassociate Disorder." Of course, all the while she was already using a concoction of "mood altering" drugs herself --- alcohol, ecstasy, heroin, and some "cat tranquilizer" (the name of which eludes me right now).

 

Years later, by the time they finally pin-pointed the "real" problem, it was already too late and my daughter was a heroin addict. This is not one of those drugs a person can easily "quit," so I'm afraid she will be spending the rest of her life standing in line at the methadone clinic. I could literally wring the necks of all those so-called "experts" who wouldn't listen to me in the beginning when I insisted she was using drugs. They assumed that because I had been through this with my husband, that I was just over-reacting or being "paranoid."

 

She knows that she's being bad, she knows she could be doing better, she tells me all this

 

Ditto...they ABSOLUTELY know exactly what they're doing, and will even brag about. It's a "survival" tactic, they will resort to just about anything and then laugh in your face. And every now and then, they'll get a case of the "guilties" and try to smooth things over with a brief moment of affection. They have to, otherwise you might cut them loose and then there would be no one left to "take care of them." They are as dependant on the people around them as they are with drugs.

 

A lot of the friends she runs with don't have the best family situations. So my sis actually lies and says that she has it worse at home than she actually does, to get sympathy out of other people. And to find other places to stay.

 

Ditto again!... You can have the most supportive and healthy family in the world and it can make no difference once your children are exposed to that dysfunctional outside world. Peer groups become surrogate families and have more of an influence on adolescences because of their desire to "fit in" and belong. They will say the most horrible things about their parents and home just to be a part of the group, and will lie about their situations to play upon sympathies when they need a place to go. They become quite skilled a manipulating the people around them. Again, a survival tactic and nothing more.

 

and when sister doesn't get her way, she gets angry and violent.

 

When we are not taught the word "no" and how to handle disappointment while we are young, a spoiled child will react to obstacles later on in life much like an insult. They will use whatever it takes, even resort to violent language and action to bust down that barrier.

 

I sent my daughter to karate classes thinking this would be a healthy outlet for her and help keep her “involved” and busy. I never imagined when she became a black belt that she would use those expensive karate lessons to intimidate me! I became quite good a dodging head kicks!

 

Fortunately my own daughter managed to survive herself and is now twenty-one and out of my home. But she will never be a “productive” self-sufficient adult and will always rely on her father for her financial stability as well as her methadone injections. I love her with all my heart and pray every day that things will turn around for her. Luckily, she was my only child and so there were no other children to worry about. But it did cost me my marriage.

 

It’s not too late for your mom and your sis if you can somehow get her the help she needs before it’s reached the point of no return.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don’t know if anyone caught the Oprah show this afternoon. It’s not something I typically watch, but “J” and I just sat down and it caught our attention. Coincidental that we should see it just after your post. It brought back so much for me that I shed a tear for the first time in over a year.

 

Ramsus, the program was “right on target” with everything that I went through, and what your mother and sister are going through now. What you are witnessing in your home with your sister, like us, is only a fraction of what is going on in her life right now outside of your home.

 

It was recommended that parents view this movie with their teenagers in the hope it will give parents a better understanding of what is going on in the lives of our children, and possibly open up the lines of communication. Wish it wasn’t too late for my daughter and I.

 

Here is a link to the movie trailer. Hope I’m allowed to post it here.

 

http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_searchlight/thirteen/high.html

 

http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/200310/tows_past_20031002.jhtml

[LadyX]

Enigma...I believe the "cat tranquilizer" you were refering to is called Ketamine.

 

Bicyclejunk....I hope your Mom has decided that spoiling her children is not such a good idea, especially since she has a few more to raise. Your sister has to want to change....she's making excuses such as being "to lazy", because she's not ready.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Enigma...I believe the "cat tranquilizer" you were refering to is called Ketamine.

 

Thanks LadyX.

 

Two years ago when she sat me down and said, "Mom, I have something to tell you. You have no idea where I've really been and everything I've done..."

 

She began to list so many things, that my head was spinning and I lost track. I suppose subconsciously I have blocked some of it out. It amazes me how she even managed to survive herself this long.

 

Wish I had the answers as to how we save future generations from this escalating epidemic. Would give my life to save just one family from having to go through this.

[bicyclejunk]

Enigma, Is it really too late for you and your daughter? I mean can anything be done?

 

 

 

 

Thanks a lot for your input, it's very heart felt and caring. Yeah, I agree i think counseling is the route to go. Like i said, she's knows she's screwing up and i think she does want to change and be better, she just needs a kick in the ass(not literally). Kids today are just a lot different. You hit on a good point about having to "Fit In" and doing whatever it takes to do that. My little sister has always wanted to fit in. She always wanted to hang with me or take her somewhere and always looked up to me when we were younger. I feel bad that we haven't been able to be closer, i feel like i could help i offered to her to come live with me but she doesn't want to, she wants to stay in NYC and just be with her friends. Friends come and go, family is forever i say.

[EnigmaXOXO]

“Too late,” meaning you can’t go back in time and change the situations and events that led to someone making a bad decision or mistake. “Too late,” meaning you can’t always undo the fact that someone has become chemically addicted and/or dependent. “Too late,” meaning people don’t have the chance to go back and relive their lives and change the things they have done or undo the mistakes they made. Unfortunately we have to live with our past and sadly it often affects the quality of our lives in the future.

 

Is it “too late” for her…or your sister to get their lives back on track? Absolutely not! Not if, like LadyX said, they make that decision to “change” on their own. But once they’re a legal adult, you can’t have them committed to rehab or force them back into treatment. They have to want it for themselves. And as long as there are people and/or family members around to cushion the fall and prevent them from hitting “rock bottom,” they have no reason to turn their lives around. Sometimes, in trying too hard to rescue them, we ultimately enable them.

 

It’s wonderful that you would love your sister enough to sacrifice so much of yourself for her. I read your previous posts and I know this is stressing you out a lot. She needs someone she can talk to, but don’t be surprised if there is much she keeps from you. And whatever you do, don’t feel like you’ve somehow failed if you can’t persuade her to change. You’ll never be able to love her enough, brow-beat her enough, or encourage her enough to make those changes unless she is good and ready. Sometimes it just takes some growing up, and sometimes, no matter what you do, they just never grow up. But it doesn’t mean you still can’t love her unconditionally…even if that’s all you can do.