Compliments

[moimeme]

2Sides said elsewhere:

 

I'm of the opinion that people don't hear enough good things about themselves, so when I "see" someone doing something nice or something I feel is worthy of praise, I am sure to let them know.

 

I used to not be very good about complimenting people; I think because I was worried they'd think I was trying to flatter them rather than be honestly complimentary. Of late, I've tried hard to change my reluctance to say complimentary things when I think them. A friend with self-esteem issues once opined that people who don't think well of themselves may think the complimenter insincere, or not all that bright,since they can't possibly be worth the compliment. Sort of the 'I wouldn't be a member of any club that would have me' attitude.

 

I'm wondering how people feel about being complimented - who feels that all compliments are insincere; who is mistrustful of the complimenter, stuff like that. How much is too much? If a person you trust compliments you, does that make you feel good or does it make you think they are not completely honest?

[yes]

i'm a sucker for unintentional compliments. if somebody compliments me directly, i'll doubt: just being nice? what does s/he want from me?

 

but if somebody just seems to hang out with me more than others, or asks me for help, - then i'm all ...

 

i used to rarely give compliments also, but now i do - but again, i try not to be too direct.

 

-yes

[2SidestoStories]

As I was an unintentional contributor to the start of this thread, I suppose I have every reason to pipe on in with my comments!

 

Part of my reasoning for complimenting people is that I am all too aware of how ill-received certain of the compliments may be. However, if you consider the Pavlovian approach to things, there is a definite logic to complimenting people. If you hear often enough that something you're doing is terrible, or that you're fat, or that you're unintelligent, you certainly have a tendency to believe those things. It is all too easy for people to believe negative things they hear about themselves because more often than not, they themselves reiterate the negatives to themselves. I think this contributes to people's inability to accept a compliment at face value.

 

"I can't" is apparently the mantra of Western culture. "I can't because _______" insert various negative self-image representations here.

Allow me to illustrate:

 

Person A: "Beth, you look good today!"

Person B: Immediately becomes irrationally self conscious, going through a checklist in her head of what may be different about her appearance

this particular day. She smooths her clothes and hair, becomes very conscious of a small zit that appeared this morning on her chin,

etc. Beth then says, "Um, I don't, er...well, I uh...it's the cargo pants, isn't it?"

 

For me personally, when someone compliments me on physical aspects of myself, I have a very difficult time with it; whereas if someone compliments me on my sense of humor, or says I'm smart, or compliments me on being a good mother, I am extremely pleased and flattered.

 

I really believe that people are quite capable of being tremendously great and loving creatures. If I can encourage a single person to have a more positive view of the world, even if only for a few moments, and even if it means going straight to the heart of who they are and paying them a compliment, then I feel good as well. I can't claim it's altruistic, because I certainly benefit from the knowledge that I may have made someone feel happy or accepted or warm and fuzzy, even for a moment. I've also discovered that people are much more receptive to a person who is open and honest, as I aspire to be almost always. (Heck, I'm only human!)

 

I'm certainly not out to convert the world, because as optimistic as I tend to be, I am also realistic to enough of an extent that I don't expect my theoretical 'contagion of happiness' idea to last. Still, I know for a fact that people tend to do whatever they receive reinforcement for, and if I can contribute positive reinforcement, then I'm all for it. Perhaps that makes me "insane" by Einsten's definition?

[HokeyReligions]

If a person whom I know loves me (husband or mother) gives me any kind of compliment I think they are prejudiced in my favor. That's natural because they can't be totally objective about me, as I can't about them. And my knee-jerk reaction is that they are insincere in the compliment itself, but sincerely feel that they want to give me a "boost" so they try to find something to compliment. Assbackwards I know, but I had some issues growing up and again after my kids passed and a therapist suggested we try "compliment therapy" but it didn't feel right so we discontinued the practice. Besides, we just are not a complimenting family. We love each other dearly and would so anything for each other except a) physically touch each other and b) give compliments.

 

If a "stranger at a bus stop" complements my appearance or attire I appreciate it and it gives me a little lift.

 

If someone at work complements me in any way I tend to wonder what they want!

 

If any of my friends ever complimented me on anything I would probably drop dead on the spot! Ditto for them if I threw out a few compliments.

 

I have used an insincere compliment or two to break the ice and start a conversation. Not a lie, but, well, for example: I needed to talk to a rather brusque manager whom I didn't know. She was wearing a sweater with a gold drawstring. There was an awkward pause when she first came to my office as I had requested and to break the ice I commented on what a nice sweater and unique drawstring. She relaxed we chatted for a couple of seconds and then got down to business. The sweater was different and nice, but if I hadn't needed an icebreaker I would not have gone out of my way to compliment her. Does that make any sense?

[cindy0039]

I generally accept compliments very well and believe the person is sincere. I believe you should thank the person sincerely and move on.

 

I think people who don't give compliments are generally not able to accept them either. And I think more times than not it's because of self-esteem issues. In other words, if you compliment someone and they don't believe it or push it back at you, it's usually because they don't believe in themselves enough to think they deserve the compliment. And they don't give compliments often because they somehow think that makes them more vulnerable to others.

 

If we think something nice about a person, we should be able to just express it without thinking twice about it. The world would be a better place.

[2SidestoStories]

If we think something nice about a person, we should be able to just express it without thinking twice about it. The world would be a better place.

 

My thoughts, precisely.

[moimeme]

my theoretical 'contagion of happiness' idea to last

 

I think lots of people believe in it and always have. Remember the 'conspiracy of kindness'; "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty"

[HokeyReligions]

I think what our counselor called it was "praise therapy" and not compliment therapy! (sorry)

 

I never knew about praising or complimenting someone when I was growing up. We just didn't do that in our family. I didn't know what a compliment was probably until I was in Jr. High and finally heard the "if you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all" bit and asked what THAT meant! I really learned about it in psych classes and in counseling after I was married.

 

Did you all grow up with families that would compliment each other? It sounds so natural to everyone else. In my house my mother never asked if her hair looked nice after she styled it, it was always "does it cover the bald spot?" and we'd answer yes or no. It never occurred to any of us to look at hair or clothes, or activities and achievements, as something good or bad, but rather, right or wrong. Her hair would have been 'wrong' if it did not cover the bald spot. Does the jacket hide the fat bulge? Answer: Yes. Not "the jacket has a slimming effect on you" which sounds like something some of you might have said as a compliment.

 

The word "utilitarian" comes to mind about my childhood.

[moimeme]

Hoke - you ask:

 

Did you all grow up with families that would compliment each other?

 

My mom doted on me and she did compliment me often and frequently. I just figured she was supposed to think well of me because after all, she was my mom. That, in a way, made me suspicious of compliments and contributed, I think, to my idea that compliments could be thought of as insincere. Exchanging ideas with other people brought me to the other conclusions I mentioned.

 

Then I made a friend who complimented me often. She said that she'd brought her kids up on compliments but made sure that she would compliment them because of things they had done - made sure she was genuine in her compliments rather than just handing off flattery. She changed my mind about complimenting people. Since then, I've tried to be better about telling people that I think well of them, knowing that a lot of people could use knowing someone thinks well of them.

 

However, I'm not sure I've got the timing or methodology down quite right yet LOL. Lately, I've subscribed to the 'just in case' method; 'just in case' the person needs to hear it from me, I issue the compliment. However, there are people who, upon hearing compliments about things they don't appreciate about themselves (like Beth about her appearance) become uncomfortable! So one hopes sincerely that, in hoping to make someone feel good by issuing a compliment, the action doesn't have the reverse effect. Or that the complimentee thinks it's flattery rather than a genuine compliment.

[2SidestoStories]

Remember the 'conspiracy of kindness'; "Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty"

Indeed. Though at the time when that was being circulated, I couldn't be bothered to come down from my mountain of teen angst!

 

Yet this seems to revolve around a most basic concept: Positive thinking.

 

I also find it quite interesting that people have mentioned that it is easier for them to accept a compliment from a complete stranger than it is to accept on from someone they know and love. So the notion is that people who know you shouldn't HAVE to compliment you, or should know better than to compliment you?

 

Hokey mentioned certain folks having a "bias" toward her. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but is that not an awfully negative idea you've projected upon these people? Automatically that would make a compliment they paid you less valid, certainly, because you take for granted that they know you so well as to "know" you're undeserving of a compliment? Is that not unfair of you to judge another person's perception of you?

 

Just a thought.

[HokeyReligions]

Hokey mentioned certain folks having a "bias" toward her. I don't mean to put you on the spot, but is that not an awfully negative idea you've projected upon these people? Automatically that would make a compliment they paid you less valid, certainly, because you take for granted that they know you so well as to "know" you're undeserving of a compliment? Is that not unfair of you to judge another person's perception of you?

 

I don't think of it as a negative or less valid. When I was going through some rough times with my husband and again after I lost my children I was in counseling. My husband and I both were. The counselor felt that one way we could show our support for each other and help each other was to find positives and praise the other person, and that if we ever felt we were begin negative we should stop and find a way to balance it with praise (compliment) so that we would begin to feel better.

 

This was a nice idea and we did try it and it was okay and did help some to bring us out of our deepest despair. However, with me being raised without any form of praise the whole praise and compliment activity felt strained and unnatural. My husband had a difficult time understanding that just because I did not compliment him, did not mean that I didn't love him or respect him, etc. Just as when he complimented me it didn't mean to me what he had hoped it would. I always wondered what he wanted or what I needed to do! When he realized that it really doesn't mean anything when I don't say something he was fine. He would be hurt over the way I took his compliments and well, we had a lot of work to do on communication!

 

But because of the forced praise at those times, any compliments now make us think "am I exhibiting some kind of depression and they are trying to help?" It's appreciated to know that loved ones are there to help and the tool we use sometimes is a compliment, instead of coming right out and saying "I see you are feeling depressed, you need to find a positive and focus on that for a while before you sink too deep" The compliment is an offer of a positive that we looked for, so it's not any less valid, just less "comfortable" for us. I don't look at compliments as deserving or not, but as a tool, or a means to an end.

[moimeme]

That shows how we imbue things with meanings greater than the things warrant. I just remembered one of my 'life-defining moments' as Dr. Phil calls them. I had occasion once to read a letter from one person to another. It was a situation of unrequited love. The object of the affection wrote to the other that the one offering affection was 'like a millstone around my neck'. Thank God it wasn't me. I thought how horrible it must have been for the person who received the letter to be called a millstone around someone's neck. I've had a lifelong terror of being a 'millstone' around anyone's neck, and it has coloured a lot of my interactions, including whether or not I've given compliments.

[Travelin Gal]

I had a friend in college who was notorious for her compliments. She had a little problem, in that, if there was anything that was really amiss with someone, she would compliment them on it.

 

If one of us was having a bad hair day, she would, with utmost sincerity, say, "Your hair looks great today."

 

If someone had blue eyeshadow smeared all over the place, or too much blush, or a visible makeup line, she would compliment them on their makeup. It was like she couldn't bring herself to say, "Your hair is standing on end and your eyeshadow extends to your hairline, let's step into the bathroom and fix that!"

 

You just knew, if you were trying out a daring new outfit, and she said, "I LOVE that blouse with that skirt" that you'd better go home and change. Or if she said, "Your teeth are so nice," that you had greens between 'em.

[subtitled]

this topic has made me very aware of how i accept compliments. I received one today, and realised i can't handle them. I was babysitting for a woman, and she said "wow! i like your hair!" - i had it streaked red last week.. when she said it i just looked away, didn't know what to say and said "err thanks... oh i'm sorry i'm late.." changing the topic as soon as she started to elaborate on my hair and she was cut off by me talking over her.

 

i also can't take compliments from my family. I have a bad relationship with my father in which i find him arrogant, insincere and often very deceptive. He seems to thrive on implying things as opposed to being open and honest. When he compliments me, just as today he walked into my room and said "how's my little treasure" i can't help but feel it is so inappropriate and he doesn't think that in reality, as all his other behaviours negate that he actually honestly loves me... he is eternally disappointed by my behaviour, and even in tiny things, for example, i asked this afternoon if we could have spaghetti instead of tortellini for dinner, and it was as if i'd asked him to make the world stop spinning. He's like "we had it a only a few weeks ago" (yeh, like 4 months ago.. we always have tortellini because he likes it more) and put on this angry face and was like... fine... well what sort do you want... and it's like i'm this parasite in his life he wishes would just disappear. I just can't handle my father's affection.

 

My mum's affection is a little more convincing, but at the same time, i usually write it off as being family-biased.

 

Compliments... they make me feel so uncomfortable!

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by moimeme

Hoke - you ask:

 

Did you all grow up with families that would compliment each other?

 

My mom doted on me and she did compliment me often and frequently. I just figured she was supposed to think well of me because after all, she was my mom. That, in a way, made me suspicious of compliments and contributed, I think, to my idea that compliments could be thought of as insincere. Exchanging ideas with other people brought me to the other conclusions I mentioned.

 

I find this interesting. And no, I didn't grow up being complimented. I had a pretty difficult and tumultuous childhood and the adults in my life had some "issues," shall we say. As an adult, I got married very young (19) and my first husband had self-esteem problems and was a very verbally abusive type of person, always putting me down, never having a positive thing to say to or about me. I finally dumped him when I realized this was no atmosphere in which to raise my son.

 

The turning point for me was when I met and dated a man who was the total opposite. He was sweet and doted on me and was always full of compliments and called me his angel. I was also going to therapy at the time. It made me realize what a difference having positive influence in your life can make and how little effort it takes to say something nice to a person, and how much it can change things for both you and them. It was a slow process, but I started learning to accept compliments as sincere, and giving them as well. It's such an easy way to make a difference.