can someone mean it if they say they want to reconcile after a period of no contact?

[NatoPMT]

You guys are good at advice, i am impressed

 

My bf has a US passport although hes British, his family have just moved over to the US and after 18 months together, he has decided to go with them because his feelings for me had changed.

 

We are still in love, well i think we are, but its not perfect and as a result, he says he KNOWS he has to go now, if there is ever a chance of us being happy. I asked him to leave the house and he left, he told me the next day he kept wanting to turn around and come back and that he doesnt believe we are 'done' but ne needs to forget me then 'rediscover' me.

 

since then (ahem all of 8 days) i have been looking at my behaviour and reading loads of stuff about positive thinking & all that. But every time i speak to him I am back at square 1 wanting to know when i will see him again etc etc, so we decided last night to call it quits and not speak until i can be happy for him in his new life and accept him truly for who he is, and until he has healed all the previous hurt and in that time, he cant promise his feelings wont go away completely - or that he wont meet anyone else, he says he just doesnt know whats going to happen and that hes keeping his options open.

 

He says hes optimistic and that its never too late, but i feel that i may have pushed him too far. He sent me a text saying 'dont worry be happy' and he believes that whatever happens, we will both be happy - together or not. he's being SO philisophical about it, hes so excited about starting over in the US, that i wonder if his bond to me is enough to want to come back to me with the little matter of the Atlantic ocean being in the way.

 

He has mentioned ot me about how to get residency and practical stuff about what qualifications i need to work there, and he said hes talked to his mum about how she & his dad split & she came back to the uk & then worked it out.

 

I know i cant contact him again for at least until i change my behaviour, but because i have absolutely no experience of this type of situ, i dont know how to act or if someone CAN go through this and come back together. I'm worried i have blown it by being too clingy over the last few days. (havent contacted him today - clever me)

 

a) can anyone tell me how they have thought in a similar situ & bought themselves together

b) how do i act in the meantime? how can be postive? how can i relearn the behaviour that has brought me here? how can i let go and just enjoy life whatever it throws at me. Blimey, that's a big ask.

[moimeme]

since then (ahem all of 8 days) i have been looking at my behaviour and reading loads of stuff about positive thinking & all that.

 

I know i cant contact him again for at least until i change my behaviour

 

how can i relearn the behaviour that has brought me here?

 

He's broken up with you because of your behaviour? What sort of behaviour?

 

until he has healed all the previous hurt

 

Were you the cause of the hurt or is he still working on healing hurts he got before meeting you?

 

I'm worried i have blown it by being too clingy over the last few days. (havent contacted him today - clever me)

 

People want to be needed and loved but get worried if someone appears distressed at losing them. Crazy world, isn't it, when it's scary to show someone you might feel a loss without them around because letting them know you value them might scare them?

 

I remember an old Cosby record about Adam and Eve - one saying to the other 'come here, come here, go away, go away'.

[NatoPMT]

worked out how to reply now, gimme 2 mins

 

i am not a natural at this..

[NatoPMT]

thanks for your reply - i really appreciate it

 

ok - a couple of things i was doing, majorly, i was quite withdrawn emotionally at first and wasnt as warm and generous as he was & hes a real idealist - i am quite negative in nature (although i now realise thats my choice, not genetics or anything). for eg, i said how can i come to america if i dont have a green card? he replied, 'this is part of the problem, i am used to having positive people around me, and if we wanted to do it, we wouldnt question it, we'd find a way'. i chose to see the bad sides of things and it got him down. he wants no responsibility (ie i guess the responsibility of keeping me happy) until he has recovered. I was the cause of his hurt.

 

your cosby quote made me laugh - there you go, thats positive.

[moimeme]

It is very interesting that you say this because one reason I posted the 'how do you feel' thread is to see how optimistic people are. I was then going to ask if their partners are similar or different in terms of optimism.

 

It is hard for an optimist to live with a pessimist. A friend referred me to an article which I have to go find which said, basically, that rather than optimists helping pessimists cheer up, the opposite happens

 

If you can possibly choose a different, 'can do' attitude, then by all means do so. You say it's not genetic, so you won't be battling your own nature, which is great. Even if you don't get this fellow back, you'll be better suited to future relationships. I think it's useful to be realistic about things; for instance getting a green card might be difficult so it's good to understand that it won't go easily and you won't get frustrated too soon when it's difficult; however you shouldn't let that stop you from trying. Write 'I can do anything' on a piece of paper (or a bunch of them) and put them around your house. Say it to yourself often. Then make it a personal challenge to find your way around, over, or through obstacles rather than anticipating failure and giving up too soon.

 

I wish you well.

 

Merry

[NatoPMT]

thanks you - i guess thats exactly what i am thinking about thinking - not quite there yet. the bizarre dynamic is that originally he was getting me down, and i was holding him at arms length, i had forgotten about that actually. i used to be the optimistic one, or the one that couldnt handle his pessimism, and eventually he got tired of feeling like that and the whole thing switched completely. i am on the way to sorting that out now - so i shant contact him until it is sorted out now.

 

i know what you mean about the realism - but why should we be controlled by whether i could live in the US? he could come back here if we really wanted to be together - we talked about getting married so we could wait until we decided if that was right then go back to the states. oh look at the lovely fantasy world i can create at the drop of a hat.

 

mmm maybe i should be asking how can i let go instead. will write stuff on paper and stick to forehead.

 

thanks, L x

[princess75]

Hi! It is very interesting to read this thread. It is common in relationships to have a sea-saw effect where one's

 

moods swings into the another ones...but one should remember to be 1+1=1+1 and not the inevitable pattern

 

many commit (you get wiser with experience) where 1+1=2 or sometimes to worst extent 1

 

Well, even if you want to change things..do them for yourself, be happy with who you are that is what you

 

deserve and what (if he is the one) he will deserve in the end. By being true to yourself you will find your real

 

match. I know it might sound balony right now, but make yourself happy, and happiness will defintely come

 

around and bring you "The One" ....and it can still be him! Also it is important he does his part, it is not use of

 

you retaining him in UK and he being miserable with himself for staying back...if time wants you both will decide

 

where to live together. Do not go after him to USA if you would rather stay in UK, this will make you miserable at

 

one point or another. I myself have moved to Chicago, one reason my ex bf of 2 years, but things did not work

 

out...but I was true to myself, so I do not regret the movement at all, even if in the end we are not together...

 

well sort of ...maybe , who know we will be back at the right time!

[mandarincool]

stop beating yourself up. maybe you are not perfect, and he's optimistic and wonderful, but how in the world can it all be your fault? he ended up with you for a reason, no? maybe he has difficulty with his bitchy side so he leaves it to you. i can totally identify with your taking responsibility for all that is wrong, because you are so vocal with your clinginess and worries about separating. and yes, it would be better for you, if you were stronger, but how would anyone be expected to respond if their lover said they'd chosen to leave, and it's all going to be just wonderful, "don't worry, be happy". yeah right!

 

i think you have every reason to be peeved. but just try and be independent, and i have a feeling he'll come around. if not, it really just wasn't meant to be and i doubt it was any thing you did... just not a perfect match in the long run.

[Twinklestars]

Hi everyone! If you find out anything meaningful about that "he wants to forget me then 'rediscover' me" bit please let me know! My boyfriend stopped talking to me abruptly almost 8 months ago when he was going through some personal problems... but for some reason I can't give up hope that he'll come back when he's all sorted out and feeling manly again. I know it almost sounds ridiculous that I'm clinging to this hope but I still feel like he's the one! He's a little younger than me (I'm done college and he's not in college yet) so it kind of seems like a penalty I get for dating someone younger. He is the one that had brought up marriage (it tripped so lightly off his tongue ) and he said he loved me many times. I have NO IDEA why he won't talk to me in this meantime while he is working out his problems! :-(

 

Maybe your guy is so excited because he thinks he's making himself better so that he'll be better for you when you finally do get together... it seems to me like you are in a really good position with him. He's talking to you and he'll probably get the confirmation he needs one way or another to make the Big Commitment. And I also think that being away from the person you love does cause you to work harder at whatever other goals you have... maybe it's the only way he thinks he can focus to reach his immediate professional goals. Well, good luck and let me know if you come up with any beans of wisdom!!

[Twinklestars]

I firmly believe everybody comes back around eventually... I seem to get a second chance with all of my exes!!! I just want this one, this ONE, back and not ten years from now!!! I am so in love!!! The first three months he was gone I was depressed, doubting myself. Then I saw him and found out how truly depressed he was, and knew it really really wasn't about me, and he was just going through something he didn't feel like sharing. He's taken positive steps (moved back to my town) but still hasn't contacted me, but I am not giving up hope. I adhere to tea box wisdom (this is my favorite!!):

 

Determination by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

 

"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate,

Can circumvent or hinder or control

The firm resolve of a determined soul.

Gifts count for nothing;

will alone is great;

All things give way before it, soon or late,

What obstacle can stay the mighty force

of the sea-seeking river in its course,

Or cause the ascending orb of day to wait? Each well-born soul must win what it deserves.

Let the fool prate of luck.

The fortunate is he whose earnest purpose never swerves,

Whose slightest action or inaction serves

The one great aim.

Why, even Death stands still, and waits an hour for such a will." :-)

[SmittenKitten]

What a cool piece of writing!

 

What does this mean tho?

 

"Let the fool prate of luck."

[NatoPMT]

Thanks to all for your advice, its not been that much time since i was going through it bad stylee - but i cant even relate to the person that i was when i started this thread. i have pulled everything apart - all my actions, my motivations, where i was when all this started and how it lead to the end, and ive absorbed the lessons i needed to learn, and moved on. i conveniently chose to ignore what my ex did that resulted in me withdrawing and feeling so negative - although it was my choice to react that way, nothing was on my terms, nothing was my own, everything was my fault and i adapted how i felt to minimise the possibility of losing him.

 

in retrospect, we COULD have got back together, i could have continued to not be who i am to fit with what he wanted, i did need to reassess my feelings and actions, but id have been forever walking on eggshells, forever locked into a cycle - and despite it being the hardest thing in the world for me to realise, i HAD to move on and just make sure i never ever looked back - princess75 being true to yourself is the key, draw the line under learning before it becomes adapting as a means to the wrong end and as mandarin said, no i am not perfect and i dont want to be either, i am quite happy being do-lalley thanks. Last week, he even sent me an email from america saying what i had to do if he was to come back to the UK for me!!! i opened it with my friend, and we read it together, then promptly fell on the floor in hysterics. i am sorry that he hasnt moved on, but theres nothing i can do about it, in his mind everything he says is right and everything i say isnt worth saying. at least i will never end up in that situation again, i feel like a thousand years have passed, but i am younger than i used to be.

 

twinkle, there isnt just 1 'the one', sounds like a similiar situation to mine, he was younger than me, and the feeling manly thing came into it too, one of the things holding me to my ex was the illusion that he was 'the one' - that whatever happened in the meantime we were supposed to be together, but at what cost? i dont know what cost you will have to bear, but you can bet your bottom dollar there will be one, unless the rediscover thing is really true - which means you have to be over him to start at a level pegging. which means you have to expect nothing from him and live your life for yourself.

 

i have also met someone else, i wasnt intending to - last night we danced in the rain in the back garden until 8am. hes beautiful, and when M started talking about coming back, i realised id rather be on my own than be with M, and now my new fella J is just making my already damn good life better.

 

happy new year kids.

[Twinklestars]

Wow, that's great that you met someone else! :-) Happy New Year!

[NatoPMT]

thanks twinkle

[mandarincool]

Wow, your deep insight and empowerment in rel to the ex is impressive. You go on girl! Good luck with the new guy! What a great way to start out the new year, sister!

[mandarincool]

Wow, your deep insight and empowerment in rel to the ex is impressive. You go on girl! Good luck with the new guy! What a great way to start out the new year, sister!

 

(oops, previous thumbs down thingy was a mistake)

[NatoPMT]

yeay mandarin - best of british to you for NY and will take your advice good and proper