Dumpers DO feel remorse--I should know

[sabotage]

It strikes me that many of the threads here are devoted to speculating on what motivates a dumper, and more specifically, how the dumper feels after he/she has committed the dastardly act of dumping. Though I can't speak for everyone, I thought I might shed some anecdotal light on this burning question....

 

I dated my ex for nearly 4 years, but for many, many reasons...including a significant age difference, personality clashes, my own psychic wanderlust, his reticence, etc, etc....I spent the last year of that relationship actively looking for other places to hang my hat. To my credit, I did cut off sex with my partner during that time, but I was a major shyster nonetheless. When I did meet and briefly involve myself with someone new, I told my partner in the coldest, most scandalous terms possible to "Get lost. We can be pals, kid, but really, move on and find someone new." Well, guess what? He did move on and now, 4 months later, I am dealing with one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life.

 

I want him back desperately and have expressed as much to him but it got me nowhere, and who can blame him? Really, my point here isn't to throw myself a pity party, but rather to let folks know that sometimes dumpers DO have regret, even if they themselves don't know it. 5-6 months ago I thought I had fallen completely out of love with my ex and honestly, the thought of sleeping with him was revolting. Now, I cry myself to sleep every night and am driving myself mad with self-flagellation and "what ifs." I should also say that in my case, had my ex not finally grown a pair and cut me off completely, I might've continued to take him for granted and never have come around to see what a truly across the board amazing person he is. Its as though he was always in the room with me but I never noticed until he was gone. Classic country song, eh? Anyway, I hope this helps...someone.

[a_f_w]

What happened with the new person that prompted you to finally get rid of him?

[sabotage]

Oh....it was a whirlwind romance founded on all the WRONG reasons! Once my ex completely removed himself from the picture, all the sneaking around and fleeting conspiratorial excitement of the new "relationship" completely dissolved. I saw with complete clarity what a Grade-A ******* the new guy was and how we had NOTHING substantial upon which to base a relationship. Momentary hot sex can NEVER replace history. And the "hot sex" wasn't really even that hot...it was entirely ego-based and shallow. I can't say enough how crucial it was that my ex completly sever ALL ties in order for me to really see what I was missing without him in my life. He even briefly dated someone and needless to say, that drove me bonkers. He's now single but still waaaayyyy too apprehensive to reengage with me romantically. And like I said, who can blame him? A couple other quick things: The fact that No Contact made me miss my ex isn't just a silly case of "wanting what you can't have." Believe me when I say that. No Contact worked because it forced me to really see and appreciate what had been under my nose the whole damn time. Also, I waited until I was absolutely sure that I would never abandon my ex again before I approached him with my feelings. It was the most heartfelt and non ego-based romantic plea I've ever been able to muster and it still wasn't enough. But again, I don't blame him, only myself. At this point I am going No Contact myself. Not to play games, as I think too many seem to use that policy here, but to give my ex a chance to really evaluate what he wants and to see that I'm not going to rush into another stupid rebound fling. Also, No Contact is important for me right now as I really do feel like the dumpee, despite all the circumstances I've already mentioned. Hope this wasn't too confusing.

[MeMyself&I]

It was the most heartfelt and non ego-based romantic plea I've ever been able to muster and it still wasn't enough. But again, I don't blame him, only myself.

 

Sabotage.

 

I understand this. I was the dumper too. My story is different and I regretted it right away. I too tried a reconciliation. I was met with stoic rejection. Did I deserve it.......probably. But I also feel people make mistakes and that if you love somebody you can forgive them.

 

If you or anybody wants to read my take on the Dumper/Dumpee situation I have a thread here that deals with it. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t179555/

 

Some Dumpers look back with no regret and may have been quite callous and adamant in their breaking up. I wasn't. I was very emotional and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. But whether it was hard or easy at the time does not mean that we don't feel regret. Does this help the dumpee feel better....IDK.

 

Anyway, Sabotage. Don't beat yourself up. I too have gone into no contact. I made a couple efforts to contact my EX feeling that I should as the dumper. The further deatails to that are here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t179669/. But at some point I had to stop in order to start to heal and avoid pushing my ex further away with being too needy for reconciliation.

 

I'm glad I saw this post. Like you said there are not many posts that are from the dumper. I'm here if you need to talk. Are situations are different but also similar as the dumpers.

[Excellent]

It strikes me that many of the threads here are devoted to speculating on what motivates a dumper, and more specifically, how the dumper feels after he/she has committed the dastardly act of dumping. Though I can't speak for everyone, I thought I might shed some anecdotal light on this burning question....

 

I dated my ex for nearly 4 years, but for many, many reasons...including a significant age difference, personality clashes, my own psychic wanderlust, his reticence, etc, etc....I spent the last year of that relationship actively looking for other places to hang my hat. To my credit, I did cut off sex with my partner during that time, but I was a major shyster nonetheless. When I did meet and briefly involve myself with someone new, I told my partner in the coldest, most scandalous terms possible to "Get lost. We can be pals, kid, but really, move on and find someone new." Well, guess what? He did move on and now, 4 months later, I am dealing with one of the biggest heartbreaks of my life.

 

I want him back desperately and have expressed as much to him but it got me nowhere, and who can blame him? Really, my point here isn't to throw myself a pity party, but rather to let folks know that sometimes dumpers DO have regret, even if they themselves don't know it. 5-6 months ago I thought I had fallen completely out of love with my ex and honestly, the thought of sleeping with him was revolting. Now, I cry myself to sleep every night and am driving myself mad with self-flagellation and "what ifs." I should also say that in my case, had my ex not finally grown a pair and cut me off completely, I might've continued to take him for granted and never have come around to see what a truly across the board amazing person he is. Its as though he was always in the room with me but I never noticed until he was gone. Classic country song, eh? Anyway, I hope this helps...someone.

 

I don't know if this helps, but even if you are the one who dumped him, i truly feel with you on this one. Imo this just shows that in the end, we're all humans with emotions, and we all make mistakes. This is a good example that no matter if you are the dumper or the one getting dumped it still hurts for both. Even if the person who dumps is cold as ice when he/she does it.

 

I just wanted to express my gratitude you might say, as a person who got dumped. And i hope everything works out for you in the end, with or without him. Hang in there

[aiina]

Oh....it was a whirlwind romance founded on all the WRONG reasons!

 

Did the new guy dumped you? because it seems just like my best friend situation at the moment. His girlfriend cheated on him a few times and finally and told him to get lost, then she knew some issues about this boyfriend and wanted to be back with my friend.

He never took her back, because he said that this girl wasn't the one he fell for, and that she was coming back just because she couldn't find anyone better ... 'yet'.

[Nikki Sahagin]

It's hard to always appreciate what you have when it's there all the time. We take EVERYTHING for granted. I mean think how much you take for granted just opening your eyes in the morning, when if you went suddenly blind, you would wake up in darkness. Think about how you take your favourite song for granted, when if you suddenly lost your hearing, you would never be able to hear it again. Think about how you take for granted going for a walk, when you could have an accident and be paralysed forever. It is easy to take people, things, situations for granted. But you have learned something valuable. Whether it works with your ex or not, in the future, with your next partner, you will know how to value you them more. But at the same time I understand how issues can build up to make you feel that you no longer want a person. I have in my own relationship gone through certain lulls or moments where our connection and closeness has dwindled and wondered...is there something better? But you learn to see that the hard times end and the good times come back and when they do...it was all worth the wait. Don't forget what you've learnt Love is gold dust. Don't drop it!

[sabotage]

Thanks to all who've replied. I really had no ulterior motive for posting this other than hopefully giving some tiny dose of therapeutic value to those who've recently been dumped. Every situation is nuanced, of course, but I do agree that most break-ups are complicated and that both parties struggle no matter who the instigator. There are no easy culprits/victims, as much as we seem to crave black and white dichotomies like that. I think, in fact, it may be necessary to demonize your ex to an extent when you're in the acute aftermath stage. I didn't really go into all the details of my own case, but I will add here that early on in our relationship he did go through a fairly significant depression which caused him to dump me for a few months, very abruptly and decisively. He later begged me to come back, which I did, but I'm not sure I ever truly opened back up to him in the same way again, which I think contributed to our ultimate demise.

In re to someone's question...I broke it off with the "new guy" and ended up hurting him in the process. I just got an email from him today in which he groveled on and on about how much he missed me, etc. Frankly, he wound up being an unsavory character and I think my involvement with him reflected how poorly I was feeling about myself at the time. Now, no matter how bad I might be pining my ex, I respect myself too much to jump into another relationship with the first man who looks my way. Again, I hope this helps someone. This love biz is so complicated it makes you wonder why we ever bother, eh?

[not_a_happy_camper]

as a dumpee, I'm really glad you started this post sabotage. I'm hoping to meet up with my ex who dumped me over three months ago soon. I sent him an email last week to meet up. after this, I heard he's been having a really hard time with the break-up too. Apparently a long way from being over me. He may have accepted the break though and be happy with it. I need to find out though. I sent him an email two weeks after the break-up, saying I'd never be with him ever again, even though I hadn't wanted to end things in the first place. I still stand by what I said. most of it anyway. except I do want to be with him again. A lot of people have said to me that if he regretted things enough, and really wanted me back, he'd have let me know. But that's my what if that I need an answer to. I guess I felt from the reply he sent me to that email, that he possibly felt like the dumpee in the situation too? I sent the email to a friend to make sure I was doing the right thing. She said I definitely struck the right tone, in that I'd never be with him again because x, y, z. it must have made for harsh reading. That's why in ways I've felt that if we ever are to be together again, I need to offer the olive branch. That's what I'm doing now. Looking for closure to help me move on, or a way we can move on together. I hope things work out for you sabotage. I really do.

[not_a_happy_camper]

This love biz is so complicated it makes you wonder why we ever bother, eh?

 

Because when it's good, it's the most wonderful feeling in the world.

 

[aiina]

I think my involvement with him reflected how poorly I was feeling about myself at the time. Now, no matter how bad I might be pining my ex, I respect myself too much to jump into another relationship with the first man who looks my way.

 

Thanks for this, this is exactly how I have been feeling & you put it into words! That's the lesson I learnt this time from my relationship.

I thought being back with my ex was a good idea, but actually it was just because I needed someone around that liked me. But after all this mess up I've put myself into, I am now being much more careful.

 

Hope everything goes well for you.

[kizik]

OP, Thank you for sharing this. I got "dumped" (though it was supposedly a mutual breakup, they never really are) about 9 months ago, and have since been wondering how in the hell my ex could voluntarily drop me when I was so supportive of her for the better part of three years . Not to mention the fact that we have known each other for twelve years and have been friends when we weren't together romantically.

 

Your post gives me a bit of clarity in that I've often wondered if she has any regrets. While there is no real way of knowing, your post helps me see that it probably hasn't been all roses for her, after all.

 

You will make it through this hard time, I promise you. You need to really forgive yourself, though. If that means writing your ex a heart-felt letter (and I'm talking standard mail here, NO email), then do it. You know, at least you realize you made mistakes and you have a heart.

 

I know I said your post helped me to maybe "sympathize" with my ex, but I'll tell you this: my guess is she is not remorseful, and in fact, I've already seen her new boyfriend. You're miles ahead of my ex. Major props for admitting fault and working towards bettering yourself, and in a future relationship I am confident you won't make the same wanderlust-ing mistakes.

 

Truly,

 

Josh

[Els]

The OP already knows she was wrong to do so and she was posting to help people in similar circumstances.

 

There is 'tough love', and there is 'cruelty'. The former is useful and acceptable in certain circumstances, the latter is just baseless and immature.

 

Glad you acknowledged that what you did was the latter.

[DSM-IV Tom]

FINE, fine. I apologize. I am sorry TC.

[Jenny123]

I am so sick of DSM-IV TOM immature, hate driven rants. Please have some compassion/empathy for people, otherwise say nothing at all. How old are you?

[not_a_happy_camper]

ooooooooooh now it's getting personal.........................back away people!!! Why not just forget the argument COMPLETELY for the sake of the OP. Tom, I will not comment. just do not respond to the above. no more from anyone about it.

[Jenny123]

Read his threads-delightful!!NOT!

[not_a_happy_camper]

I have read them jenny. I'm choosing not to comment either way. Neither should anyone else, this is not what this thread is about. Now back to the original topic?

[EmperorR]

Grass isn't alway greener huh, my ex cheated and left me for some herb who gave her butterflies I hope she's feeling whAt your feeling x 3 million, not that I want her back.

[MeMyself&I]

Hi,

 

I was almost afraid to post on this thread. But as I followed it I began to realize that in part Tom's view is possibly the underlying foundation to what maybe the OP is trying to say and why she posted. (of course I may be wrong and don't want to speak for her). What I mean is there is underlying anymosity toward the dumper (and I'm not saying it's undeserved). But hopefully once the pain lessens we can stop romanticizing the relationship and look at it more objectively.

 

I initiated a thread like this too. I have never been the dumper in the past until a month ago when I broke up with my boyfriend. Does it make us cruel and wrong to break up with someone when we are unhappy and our needs aren't being met?? Better we stay and waste years of both of our lives because we don't want to be mean. Breaking up with my ex was one of the hardest things I did. I remember physically feeling ill and shaking. And yes I do regret it and yes, I wish we could work it out. But that may never happen. Do I begrudge him feeling bitter/angry to me. No, this is part of the healing process. But as someone who has also been dumped a few times......I would never want to hold on to that bitterness forever and project it on to anyone else.

 

Eventhough a dumper initiates the break-up does not mean that it was not a hard decision. I have felt regret, sadness, lonliness and hurt too. I have lost someone I care about deeply. And I have to go through these feelings knowing the person responsible for this decsion is me. Does that mean I made the wrong decision???......IDK. Most likely unless there is abuse, mental issues or cheating in the relationship, something was probably wrong on both sides and needs weren't being met. Just because one person decided they were worth more and deserved to have these needs met does not make them an Evil person.

 

I hope I have made sense and people can see that not matter what......we are all human and make mistakes--whether we are the dumper or the dumpee.

[Bluebird In My Heart]

It's a painful experience you went through, to be sure, but I must say I am very impressed by your perspective on it now.

 

It's been a trial by fire, but I suspect you will never take anyone's true love for granted again.

 

Sorry you went through this, and put another person through so much pain.

 

The way you see it in hindsight, and tried to fix it in such a mature, honest way...I think you can look at yourself in the mirror now and know you have indeed learned something so, so valuable.

 

I know you will be okay.

 

Lessons aren't always fun, no?

 

I'm so sorry.

I hope everyone in this can heal - and right soon...

[justletgo07]

I want to commend the OP for her courage. It is not easy, particularly as the one who inititated the break up, to admit that they are having feelings of regret. I'm sorry not everyone on this forum has appreciated your courage.

 

I've seen many comments about the dumper "putting someone through so much pain" and I feel like this is not a fair statement. I am a dumpee, but I don't feel that my ex put me through anything, or disrespected my feelings. Most of the time, breaking up is the right choice to make at the time. Most dumpers are justified in their decision, whether it be general unhappiness, developing feelings for someone else, or being treated badly or cheated on. Both parties are ultimately better off if one or both are feeling this way. But, just because it was the right thing to do at that time doesn't mean that it has to be final. Dumpers are as much human as dumpees, and are allowed to have their feelings change. I mean, come on, how much control do you have over how you feel?

 

Everyone should learn lessons from their break ups. More often than not, the dumpee is not the innocent victim that they'd like to think they are...

[wowIlose]

It all comes down to value. Its pretty simple actually - once you understand how it works.

 

We value things that make us happy, make our lives easier and value things/people that we invest time into.

 

Things are only valuable if they are needed - at one point you valued your 1982 honda civic, you were happy to have a car and it got you from A to B but as you drove it more and more you began to take it for granted. You started to complain about how it didn't have heated seats or how the brakes squeaked till one day someone stole your car. Now your forced to take a bus with a lot of people, the stops are frequent and it stinks and you begin realize how great it was to have a car - you don't even think about the fact it didn't have heated seats or that the break squeaked. Why?

 

Because the cars value is realized when its gone - you start to appreciate the things that car provided (transportation, warmth, reliability etc..) but that value would not be realized if that car was replaced with a different car or a newer car.

 

The analogy above works the same way with people and just about anything. Its not perfect but you get the idea.

 

 

The less available something is the more we want it and desire it. This is especially true if we once had it or its just out of our reach.

 

Learn to increase your value and you will increase your chances at getting back with your ex. I almost did it twice using the above philosophy - I only failed because last minute I lowered my value.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Anyway - I hope everything works out for you. Its never easy for either party during a break up. I think a lot of the animosity towards dumpers comes from peoples personal experience and pain, as it is usually the dumper who moves on to a new person and leaves the dumpee to deal with it all.

[not_a_happy_camper]

The less available something is the more we want it and desire it.

 

you mean unless replaced by a newer model?! In keeping with the car analogy............it does make sense!

[ThatCali Girl]

Hi all ^^

 

This is my second account, lost ma login to my first! some people may remember me as anna J!!

 

As for thomas. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to play the devils advocate or nuffin but I've seen thomas' posts and I've seen kiziks, and although thomas is bein a jerk in this topic, he is 100x more helpful and kind than kizik from what ive seen. ya'll givin tom a bad rap from this topic. i for one dont want em to leave.

 

But to respond to this original poster, hope all goes well! It's good to hear you are standin strong. Please get well and keep up the good fight girl.