Dumpers DO feel remorse--I should know

[BCCA]

OP, if I can ask, and there is no wrong/right answer here, but I'm just curious...

 

Do you think you feel REMORSE or do you maybe think you feel sorry for yourself because he's gone? I've heard girl friends of mine say this before, but after a little discussion, it was more that they just happened to be lonely and wished they had someone, not even the ex in particular.

[DSM-IV Tom]

As for thomas. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to play the devils advocate or nuffin but I've seen thomas' posts and I've seen kiziks, and although thomas is bein a jerk in this topic, he is 100x more helpful and kind than kizik from what ive seen. ya'll givin tom a bad rap from this topic. i for one dont want em to leave.

 

 

Thanks, but it's okay. Let them think what they want to, they're wrong. People like you (apparently) know that. =)

[buffnub]

what a great thread.. ive been the dumper on very short relationships (2 months or less) and been dumped on the longer two (8yrs and 4 yrs)... and i have to say, that with the shorter ones, it was easy because you got past the initial finding out about someone and realized that they werent the person for you right away.

 

on my longer 2, the first one was a cheater that i kept letting back in. so when it was over, i was heartbroken and depressed because i felt sorry for myself. she only came back to me 2 times after no contact... one was to literally drive by and say 'hi' and talk for 5 minutes, the other was to stop by and hang out for a few hours. both times i was a mess and didnt know what was going on (she was my first love, and i was very naive). what i didnt realize, was that she was coming back because she felt remorse and bad. i had no real reason to know why.

 

this breakup right now is different. it was a great relationship that turned sad because i got too involved with work, and she became unhappy after trying to pull "me back out of it" for over a year. i know immediately that i have things to work on and have a much more mature approach. so, im doing things for me and working on separating work from my personal life. and not feeling sorry for myself.

 

but... i have NO idea what she is thinking. i mean, she has sent me the 'i miss u' email, but has jumped right back into the dating world like someone with their hair on fire! i know of at least 3 new guys shes dating... even so far as to dig up an old bf from 8 years ago and praising 'second chances'

 

i didnt understand the mentality of it all until i read the OP post... holy amazing. i thought - 'how can you go from being almost married to jumping into anothers arms' now i have a better perspective... and the fact that shes doing it with such over-the-top force leads me to believe there is a whole lot more hurt hiding under there than i could imagine.

 

thanks for posting this thread!!!

[not_a_happy_camper]

I agree with buffnub, in that this thread has highlighted the hurt that dumpers feel too. In fact it hurts me to think that my ex could have felt this way. It's so easy when you're dumped to just assume the worst. That the dumper hates you, and never wants to see you again. In ways, this is good to get you healing..................if you think they hate you, why would you want to go back there. that kind of way. but it can also be destructive to think this way. It's so hard to strike a balance, and all cases are different. I have conflicting emotions here.................hate to think that my ex could have hurt this way, when I care for him so much, and hate to see him hurt...................and then I feel he deserves any hurt he felt, because he was the one who chose to end it.

[CaliGuy]

Yes they do regret. The 22 year old from work just hounded me today. She wants to try again. I'm not so sure she is sincere and I don't really want to go back to where I started.

[LostLamb]

If you want your ex back surely you aren't really a dumper? Most people

who decide to end a relationship never look back -sad but true. I think if people want you ,they let you know.

The dumper has no right to feel sad/angry/shattered

[MeMyself&I]

I don't understand why some people believe that if someone chooses to break up with someone that there is a lack of feelings on their part.

 

People make these choices in other aspects of their lives. I mother will give up a child for adoption because she feels emotionally inadequate or lacks the stability in her life to properly nurture him/her. Families give up pets to better homes because they feel they can give their pet a more loving or stable home. When they make these choices they grieve for their child. They miss their pet. (no I'm not comparing any of you to a pet. But many people consider their animals their family and the love for them is very strong)

 

No these are not perfect parallels. But the motivation for a break-up is not always selfish. I'm not saying there aren't dumpers who are motivated for self-serving reasons and are incapable of caring about anyone's interests but their own. But just like in the analogies above staying in a relationship that is not healthy, nurturing or empowering is not beneficial to either person. Each person deserves happiness and just because one person comes to the realization first that they need more does not mean they are indifferent.

 

I've been dumped many times but in my last relationship I was the dumper. I felt helpless watching each of us hurt each other over and over. I didn't know how to save the relationship and rather than continue to hurt the one I loved and continue myself to be emotionally drained. I ended it. We both deserved more. Do I wish that the person I deserved more with was him......you bet your a@@ I do. I regret soooo much. But mostly I regret what we never got to have a future together.

 

So I understand where the dumpers are coming from (I've been there). if it makes them/you feel better to think that the dumpers are insensitive/self-serving a**holes, I don't begrudge anyone that and I acknowledge that some of them are. But I know, because I'm living it, that many of us do regret and wish things could have been different. I love him, I miss him and I mourn for what could have been.

 

Hope this was helpful!!

[chris250]

If it took breaking up with him for you to appreciate him and see value in him as a person then obviously you two don't belong together. He deserves to be with a woman who appreciates him whether he's present all the time or not.

 

The fact that it took a breakup for you to come to this realization is all the more reason for the two of you to move on with your separate lives and leave each other alone.

 

If he took you back now then it would only be a matter of time before you took him for granted again.

 

An ex is an ex for a reason.

[Chicago_Guy]

If it took breaking up with him for you to appreciate him and see value in him as a person then obviously you two don't belong together. He deserves to be with a woman who appreciates him whether he's present all the time or not.

 

The fact that it took a breakup for you to come to this realization is all the more reason for the two of you to move on with your separate lives and leave each other alone.

 

If he took you back now then it would only be a matter of time before you took him for granted again.

 

An ex is an ex for a reason.

 

Chris finally gave some great advice! I agree 100%.

 

Your ex- is better off without you, as it's probably only a matter of time until you take his for granted again. You might be better off without him anyway if you had so many doubts in the first place before leaving him.

[me101]

Hi , my gf of 7yrs dumped me six months ago yesterday. The first three and a half to four months were filled with pain that I never knew existed. To make matters worse she found the one only a week after we broke up. At least that is how she put it. I wanted to say thank you because for the last six months I could not understand how some one who loved me so much in the past was able to turn it off like a light switch. Now hearing this from your point of view I think that she must have had to deal with some pain some where along the line. In hine sight I think that she did not want to be with me ,but she did not want to be alone either. She and I still go to the same church and still have alot of the same freinds. However , I still cant speak to her or really even look at her. I wanted to get your take as the dumpee on how she may feel or what she may be thinking. I know that it is impossible to give an expert answer in this but any insight that you may have would be wonderful. I guess that I am just looking for some understanding. Thanks from a broken hearted fool

[EasyHeart]

Sorry to hear about you pain, but I can relate. I definitely think there are some people (especially women) who 'stay' in relationships in which they are unhappy because they are afraid of being alone, or sometimes they just don't want other people to think they are losers who don't have a boyfriend. Frankly, I think it's about the lowest thing a person can do -- date one person by 'shopping' for a new relationship. It's happened to me before (and about a month ago) and it just adds to the pain. And it leaves you helpless, because you don't even know what's wrong until the other person just announces they're leaving. And then immediately hooks up with someone else.

[BCCA]

But the motivation for a break-up is not always selfish.

 

100% disagree.

 

When you break up with someone, its not a equal decision. YOU decided that its best for YOU to end things. How is that not selfish? You didnt ask the other person for their opinion and decide what the best course of action is together. You did it entirely based on what YOU wanted and what YOU think is the best thing for YOU.

 

Despite what anyone wants to believe, no one in the world breaks up with someone else for the other person. It is entirely for you.

 

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with doing what you have to do for yourself, but take some responsibility. Its completely selfish.

[Trialbyfire]

Which circles round to why people are remaining invested in someone who they believe is selfish, who blatantly doesn't have the other persons' best interests in mind.

 

Let me guess "But I can't help feeling this way"...

[MeMyself&I]

BCCA,

 

I understand as someone who has been dumped many times how you feel and I agree some people just don't care when they break up with someone about the other person's feelings.

 

We tell the dumpees take care of yourself you are worth more. So how come the person who walks away in an unhealthy relationship is the "bad guy"?

 

But you cannot lump them all in the same category. Selfish....as I just read in a definition on-line means.......motivated regardless of the other person's feelings, devoted or caring only for oneself. (this is soooo wrong. I cared for him deeply--I still do) I guess maybe I need to interject that my EX was so emotionally unavailable and unable to show his feelings....I didn't know if I was capable of hurting him. He was emotionally draining me. It was self-preservation for me. I would be drawn close and then ignored. It was an emotional rollercoaster. I cried and physically was shaking as I broke up with him.

 

I've been through much loss the death of friends, relatives and hardest of all of my child. I know loss. So I can't say this is the worst I've been through...but I'll tell you I know what heartache is and I'm feeling it. I love this guy and miss him and yes.......It was my decision so I know there may be a lack of sympathy. But I know it wasn't selfish or self-serving.

 

Maybe you didn't mean Selfish with a negative connotation. I am not a selfish person. I give toooo much to everybody and never take care of myself. I HATE hurting people but don't seem to mind hurting myself. I'm 37 years old and this is the first time I haven't let a man in a relationship continue to physically or emotionally abuse me. It is the first time I thought I was worth more. Does that make me selfish??? I think it shows I have developed my self-esteem and self-worth to realize I'm worth more.

 

I've seen your posts and they are all awesome. So I am in no way saying you don't know what you are talking about. And you are definitely right there are people out there motivated for selfish reasons.

[BCCA]

MeMyself&I, I hope you didnt take that as an attack against you, it certainly wasn't. I just disagree.

 

Ask yourself this question, did you end your relationship for YOU or the other person? No brainer, it was for you. That makes it a selfish reason. I'm not trying to say that you are a selfish person, or that your whole life is spent worrying only about yourself, but THIS was a selfish act, even if you feel justified.

 

This doesnt mean you didnt feel bad about it, or didnt care about the other persons feelings, or intentionally inflict pain on them for your own enjoyment by any means. It just means that the decision to end a relationship is solely based on your needs and wants, and has nothing to do with the other persons needs/wants. That doesnt mean that youre a terrible person or you have no right to miss them.

 

I'm big on taking responsibility. While ending a relationship is hard on both people, when it was your idea to do so, you made a decision completely independent of the other person, and need to take responsibility. No, it doesnt make you a selfish person, but yes, it was a selfish decision. It was 100% about you, and 0% about the other person.

[kizik]

Hi all ^^

 

This is my second account, lost ma login to my first! some people may remember me as anna J!!

 

As for thomas. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to play the devils advocate or nuffin but I've seen thomas' posts and I've seen kiziks, and although thomas is bein a jerk in this topic, he is 100x more helpful and kind than kizik from what ive seen. ya'll givin tom a bad rap from this topic. i for one dont want em to leave.

 

HOLLA!

 

I could care less.

[MeMyself&I]

"It was 100% about you, and 0% about the other person."

 

But it is about the other person---sometimes. I think it's just the word selfish that seems bad. It is about the other person because if someone is mistreating you your decision is based on that--their behavior played a role in your decision-it is not "independent of them". Now the choice to break up is yours and yours alone but it is based on bad behavior. Now if you are out screwing around on your EX or somthing similar to that I could see the decision as selfish...it was all about you, you wouldn't be caring about their feelings and all you would care about is yourself.

 

I someone is in a physically abusive or sexually abusive relationship would we call their breaking up selfish......well I wouldn't. I'd call it self-preservation, self-worth but not self-ish.

 

Maybe we are toying with words. Your post makes a lot of sense. I do accept the decision as mine (and I realize you were not pointing the finger at me). But I can relate to this thread. I just think it's also wrong that the people who broke up with their ex's for justified reasons are looked down upon and the person in the relationship whose behavior was wrong (so their partner left) won't take responsibilty for their role (that's not to say like I said above that the person who is wrong is not the dumper either)

 

OK, enough of this =-}. Thanks for you feedback.

[RogueAC]

Maybe you didn't mean Selfish with a negative connotation. I am not a selfish person. I give toooo much to everybody and never take care of myself. I HATE hurting people but don't seem to mind hurting myself. I'm 37 years old and this is the first time I haven't let a man in a relationship continue to physically or emotionally abuse me. It is the first time I thought I was worth more. Does that make me selfish??? I think it shows I have developed my self-esteem and self-worth to realize I'm worth more.

 

Hey MeMyself&I -- I thought of the book Women Who Love Too Much when reading your posts.

 

I think we all agree that break ups are hard. I don't want to continue to rehash this topic but this is a huge step in personal growth. You will get through this.

[BCCA]

I think the issue some people have is that they associate 'selfish' with being a bad person. There are times in life that its perfectly acceptable to be selfish. Even if you were with a great person, if they just didnt do it for you, youre well within your rights to dump them, but again, its about your wants, not theirs.

 

Whether or not someone's behavior 'warrants' it (I only use quotes because everyone's definition is different), like you said, the decision is solely yours. For that reason, it is selfish. Selfish is not always a bad thing, I just personally dont like it when people make things out to be their only choice, as if they had no say in it (not you, just elaborating my point). You hear it all the time 'I had to dump them because...' which, to me, is an attempt to shift blame. Just take it, you werent happy, you dumped them. It doesnt mean your a bad person, but dont expect the other person to understand or become annoyed when they dont want anything to do with you. As much as it is well within your rights to dump whoever you want, its also well within a dumpee's rights to cast you out of their life. Its a trade off that many people dont want to make, they expect the other person to agree with their decision and be happy about it. Maybe I'm interjecting personal experiences here, but it seems my generation (mid 20's now) wants to have their cake, eat it, too, and then be patted on the back by everyone else. Its unrealistic.

 

There is also the issue of communication. Many friends of mine harbor bad feelings toward someone for something they've never told them. It's unfair to expect someone to just 'get it' if they've made it obvious a million times that they dont. I dont mean to come off as sexist, but sometimes women almost expect a guy to read thier mind, and then are shocked when they dump him and he feels blindsided.

[chris250]

If you took him for granted once then what is to stop you from taking him for granted again once he's back in your life? Think about it. Are the two of you going to play this "thrill of a chase" game for the rest of your lives by doing the on again off again relationship?

 

In my opinion there are no breaks in love. When two people love each other they find a way to work things out. They don't see breaking up as an option. A relationship is a partnership.

 

I need someone who I can trust to be there for me when I fall down and not abandon me when things get tough. If you can't stick around during the tough times then I don't need you around during the easy times.

 

I understand some might say "well we needed to break up to work on ourselves". Well if it takes a break up to become better people then you are better off staying broken up. There was a reason it had to take a breakup to motivate self improvement. Why not work on self improvement while in the relationship?

[sad_panda]

I agree with you BCCA, 100%.

[Zapbasket]

I also agree with BCCA. I think the OP was misunderstanding because often the word "selfish" is used as a kind of moral valuation, rather than just a description of the motivation behind an act taken. The "selfish" decision to leave a relationship doesn't necessarily make one a "selfish" person generally. But yes, the act itself is selfish. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that--you have to be "for yourself" in a relationship in order to be fully "for the relationship." Meaning, you have to continue to take care of your needs and evaluate how well you and the environment you are in are meeting your needs.

 

BUT--and I think this is what BCCA is getting at--often people who end a relationship convince themselves it was their only choice, when in truth, they DID make a choice: to cut ties rather than bring their partner's attention to the problems and solicit a MUTUAL EFFORT to work on those problems. Often people so fear confrontation and/or being let down by another person that they just walk away rather than stick out the relationship. I agree that when you really, really love someone and have the maturity and communication skills to carry out that love to the fullest extent, it's simply not an option to walk away UNTIL absolutely everything under the sun has been discussed and attempted together. And oftentimes, perfectly wonderful people believe they've done all they can and walk away, when truth is, they haven't tried everything. Sometimes, also, that decision to walk away is because when the person weighed the good and bad and weighed how much effort it would take to transform some of the bad into something better with a particular person, they came to the realization that in truth they didn't love that person enough to put in the effort. And often those people tell themselves, "It was for the best, for both of us," when in fact the bottom line was that they just didn't love the person enough. Loved them, yes, maybe...but not enough.

[BCCA]

BUT--and I think this is what BCCA is getting at--often people who end a relationship convince themselves it was their only choice, when in truth, they DID make a choice

 

BINGO! Well said, pretty much exactly what I was getting at. I'm more for owning up to my decisions and taking responsibility, while it seems that a lot of people want to play the 'it was my only choice' card, when it wasnt. It was your only choice BESIDES making any further efforts to keep the relationship together, sure, but it was a choice you make for yourself, and only yourself.

 

Good discussion.

[MeMyself&I]

Okay, so I guess I can see the point on making a selfish decision sometimes we do have to put ourselves first.

 

Maybe my break-up was more mutual than one-sided although he made it clear when I talked to him afterward that I broke up with him & I showed how much I cared by breaking up with him. I told him my needs weren't being met earlier in the relationship (no change) and when I did finally say I think we shouldn't see each other his feedback was, "I guess you've put it out there so that's what you want. Obviously I can't meet your needs. I've given you all I've got right now." So I felt like I wasn't worth working for either. Now don't get me wrong--maybe that was a good response and he was being honest.

 

I've read the book Women Who Love too Much. A very good book for me. I've come a long ways but I still have more to learn about relationships.

 

Oh, & I'm not the OP. I think she saw the can of worms that opened up and headed for the hills. lol/j.k.

 

I guess I just hate to see (and I'm not saying you BCCA and some of the others) dumpers labeled as unfeeling--Not true (At least not for all)!

 

Is some of this talk from me guilt/regret driven--probably. And yes, I know that I deserve it. AND BCCA I do realize it is my own fault because I made the decision--but I did not make it with lack of my partner's feelings.

 

You are right BCCA--GOOD DISCUSSION. It's also a good lesson on the value of constructive critisism--at least for me.

[Zapbasket]

I agree; good discussion. I'm glad to see someone on this site who is from "the other side" of the breakup equation. It's a rare thing here, for some reason, and in all of the dumpees' co-commiserations on this site, often the notion of "dumper" gets blanketly vilified when of course it can be much more complicated than that.

 

I have a particular interest in endings between people--why they happen, could they have been prevented, is an ending truly an ending until "the end" of one of the parties involved? I guess my interest is due partly to my difficulty ending things with people I care about. It still brings tears to my eyes that my ex and I ended, and that was officially TWO years ago now, and I'm happily ensconced in a relationship with someone wonderful, whom I love. I want to believe that there's ALWAYS a way for a relationship to continue when both parties care equally about each other and about the relationship.

 

But I am beginning to understand that sometimes, indeed, you do just need to walk away. When you can no longer sustain your self-respect because of the amount of disrespect another party is dishing you, and you've tried time and again, planting yourself in their face and really spelling it out to them as hard as you can, more than once, and they don't even try to change, then it really is just best to walk away.

 

But for me, every relationship is precious. It wrenches my heart every time any relationship, whether "b-list" friendship or love relationship, comes to an end. And so I always want to believe that someone is deserving of a second chance if they beseech you for one. If my ex contacted me saying he made a mistake, had changed some of the things on his part that made our relationship difficult, and wanted to try again...the ONLY reason I wouldn't throw open my arms to him is because I'm committed to someone else now whom I love and who has so far only been good to me. A friend of mine from high school who treated me badly ended up attending the same grad program as me 10 years later, and I gave her another chance, but when she started treating me badly again and in the exact same way I came to the painful realization that she really had bad character, that because of that we never truly had a "friendship" that I'd recognize as such, and I wrote her off and was done. I do not wish to have any kind of meaningful contact with her again. And you know? It is such a disappointment, even today, 5.5 years later. I thought she was smart and interesting...and the discovery that she's also a narcissistic b*tch doesn't remove the sting that I couldn't have the friendship with her that I'd hoped.

 

ANyway, I'm just musing on this ending-a-relationship thing, just to keep the conversation going.

 

OP, I admire your courage to post this! :-)