Dumpers DO feel remorse--I should know

[BCCA]

I do realize it is my own fault because I made the decision--but I did not make it with lack of my partner's feelings

 

I never thought you did. I'm glad we've thrown out some different views, yet maintained a civil discussion. Thats what these boards SHOULD be about, but sometimes arguments get out of control.

[buffnub]

Maybe I'm interjecting personal experiences here, but it seems my generation (mid 20's now) wants to have their cake, eat it, too, and then be patted on the back by everyone else. Its unrealistic.

 

There is also the issue of communication. Many friends of mine harbor bad feelings toward someone for something they've never told them. It's unfair to expect someone to just 'get it' if they've made it obvious a million times that they dont. I dont mean to come off as sexist, but sometimes women almost expect a guy to read thier mind, and then are shocked when they dump him and he feels blindsided.

 

 

Holy cow amen and hallelujah!!! my ex brought up all kinds of things that really bothered her at the end, and when they were brought up i was stunned... now, she said things in a sarcastic and funny way sometimes, and even my friends and family said - i dont know if shes serious or joking most of the time... well it turns out she wasnt. and i never really knew it. i mean, if youre angry with someone - what is wrong with stopping everything for a moment and say "this _____ is making me unhappy when you do it"

 

and most 20somethings to 30 dont seem to have the concept of working through bad times together.. there is so much instant gratification out there. if i dont like something, its easier to get a new one than it is to work on what i already have.

[buffnub]

i want to ask some thoughts on this, because it seem to be the type of 'end of relationship' that happens and you wonder why. im not talking of abusive, or unattentive, or people who dont get along, or differences that are irreconcilable. im talking of the ones that run along on cruise-control with 2 people who are giving and caring. 2 people who clearly get along as best friends in every way, and have each others interests in mind. but seem to 'fall out of love'. ive heard so many endings to realtionships that are phrased up with 'i love you, but i just am not in-love with you' that it boggles the mind.

 

is it the creation of some ideal that the relationship should hold up to, and the disappointment when that ideal dont exist all the time? is it the lack of understanding of what commitment can be and he rewards it can bring?

 

hell, my parents have been together for 34 years, and are miserable with each other sometimes... but they stick through it... is that because they both have an understanding of commitment? or is it mutual fear that keeps them together...

 

i would argue that the amount of relationships that exist with people truely happy together... doing exactly what one of the people who posted here said - and that is the mutual 'working on themselves while in a relationship' with each others best interest in mind... these relationships are extremely rare... like 10%. 2 people who love each other in a way that is mutually supportive in every parts of their lives including the continuation of personal growth while still holding onto the joint union. the kind where they are not only smitten in attraction, but move beyond that...

 

im beginning to babble... but how does one 'fall out of love' when things seem to be going 'well'

[Joker77]

I am of the opinion that a dumper only feels remorse when they have been crapped on by someone else. That's when they feel remorse because then they finally get to be in the role of what they put the dumpee through. They go back to the dumpee in hopes that they will find a weak spot and the dumpee will take them back. It's only a matter of time before the dumper craps all over the dumpee again. They take them for granted. I speak from dumpee experience.

[BCCA]

'i love you, but i just am not in-love with you'

 

Think 'it's not you, it's me.' Same thing, cheesy line that really doesn't tell the whole story.

 

understanding of commitment? or is it mutual fear

 

Probably a little of both. It all come down to effort, though, and how much you're willing to put into something. For some people, they can't put in enough. Other times, you're hardly worth a phone call. What can you say.

[Ricky01]

Sabotage...

 

Thank you

 

I don't know if my ex feels or can relate to you, nor do I really hope she does, this has just helped me remember that she is merely human as I.

 

I hope your happiness prevails no matter what form it may appear.

[sad_panda]

Here's a very interesting article about how a dumper may feel about a failed relationship:

 

http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/letting-go-of-an-ex-partner-how-to-do-it-438524.html

 

It's a long read, but it's worth it.

 

Let me quote some lines:

 

It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner.

 

So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?

 

I can only hope my ex felt that way when he dumped me, but unfortunately for me he is one of those cheating jerks haha.

[chris250]

I say the only advantage of getting dumped is being granted the right to date and sleep with whoever I want whenever I want.

 

Even if I decided to sleep with another girl 4 seconds after I got dumped I would be justified in doing so. I have done nothing wrong. So the dumper has no right to get mad at me should I decide to move on that fast.

 

They had a right to dump me and I have a right to cut them off completely. I owe them no explanation for my actions. That's the wonderful advantage of being a dumpee.

[BCCA]

and sleep with

 

I thought you didnt sleep with anyone. Isnt that one of the problems you've been having in relationships?

[chris250]

I thought you didnt sleep with anyone. Isnt that one of the problems you've been having in relationships?

 

I used that as an example of the advantages that dumpees have. When someone dumps you then you are free to sleep with whoever even if it's 4 seconds after the breakup talk. It has nothing to do with what I'm doing.

[BCCA]

I used that as an example of the advantages that dumpees have. When someone dumps you then you are free to sleep with whoever even if it's 4 seconds after the breakup talk. It has nothing to do with what I'm doing.

 

Right, but there isn't a line of hot single girls looking for 'just out of a relationship' guys to sleep with. Its like saying youre free to date Angelina Jolie. While its true, you are FREE, its not like you just say 'i can go sleep with someone' and readily find a willing taker.

[chris250]

Right, but there isn't a line of hot single girls looking for 'just out of a relationship' guys to sleep with. Its like saying youre free to date Angelina Jolie. While its true, you are FREE, its not like you just say 'i can go sleep with someone' and readily find a willing taker.

 

If you go to the bars there are. There is always someone who will agree to go on a one night stand with you if that's what you are after. There's plenty of hookup websites for that too.

 

The bars are not a good place to develop a serious relationship but they are good for one night stands.

[UCLAMike]

I say the only advantage of getting dumped is being granted the right to date and sleep with whoever I want whenever I want.

 

Even if I decided to sleep with another girl 4 seconds after I got dumped I would be justified in doing so. I have done nothing wrong. So the dumper has no right to get mad at me should I decide to move on that fast.

 

They had a right to dump me and I have a right to cut them off completely. I owe them no explanation for my actions. That's the wonderful advantage of being a dumpee.

 

Not if you really loved them.

[chris250]

Not if you really loved them.

 

That's irrelevant though. Whether I loved her or not I can still choose to act against my feelings and go through the motions of dating & sleeping around.

 

Would it be my problem if my dumper came to the conclusion that I didn't really love her if I started dating that quickly? Not at all. She can think whatever she wants. It's not my problem anymore.

[not_a_happy_camper]

I don't get how loving someone can be irrelevant. Especially as the dumpee, who usually feels the break a lot worse. it sounds like having the freedom to sleep with anyone anytime means, this is something you felt you couldn't do in the relationship - which is natural, but usually when you're in a loving relationship, you don't care that you're not sleeping with other people? if you can discard those feelings for someone that quickly, i don't think you had particularly strong feelings for them in the first place, dumper or dumpee.

[MeMyself&I]

I don't get how loving someone can be irrelevant. Especially as the dumpee, who usually feels the break a lot worse. it sounds like having the freedom to sleep with anyone anytime means, this is something you felt you couldn't do in the relationship - which is natural, but usually when you're in a loving relationship, you don't care that you're not sleeping with other people? if you can discard those feelings for someone that quickly, i don't think you had particularly strong feelings for them in the first place, dumper or dumpee.

 

Okay so since this was recently exactly my scenario, I though I should share. I found out a week after I broke up with me ex that an ex fwb of his was in town. I knew they still talked he never kept that a secret from me. She lives with her new boyfriend in Texas (we are in WA State) and would call him once a week on her long drives. But I also heard she stayed out at his house a few nights when she was here (this was after we broke up).

 

Man did that hurt. She was possibly sleeping on the couch....but am I naive enough to believe that? IDK AND Chris is right....it is none of my business we aren't together but I felt all the things the other posters said. I felt I must not of meant much to him and I felt betrayed. (I did not cheat on him ever and I know technically this is not cheating on his part).

 

One of my friends told me that a lot of men use sex as a way with coping with their hurt after a relationship. That a man does not have to love a girl to sleep with her (I'm not trying to dis men. There are some that aren't this way I'm sure). So I don't really know what happened nor do I know his reasons and I tried not to take it personal.

 

So I'm not saying Chris is right, I'm just saying that everyone handles grief differently. Hope this helped a little.

[not_a_happy_camper]

 

One of my friends told me that a lot of men use sex as a way with coping with their hurt after a relationship. That a man does not have to love a girl to sleep with her (I'm not trying to diss men. There are some that aren't this way I'm sure). So I don't really know what happened nor do I know his reasons and I tried not to take it personal.

 

 

sorry to hear that memyself&I. I know it's none of your business either, and your ex wasn't doing anything wrong, but it does still hurt. Because even though you're not together, you still have those feelings for them.

 

I think you're right with what you said above though, I've heard that too. The way to get over one girl is to get under another? I think it's horrible. for me anyway, I couldn't do that myself. But wouldn't be the least bit surprised if my ex did. I'm just glad he's far enough away for me not to know. I don't understand it though, can anyone shed some light on this? guy's opinion needed here! how does sleeping with another girl so quickly (assuming this fling means nothing, and you were in a serious relationship) help you to get over a girl you were (and possibly still are) in love with?

[chris250]

Dumpers might wonder if their dumpees really loved them if they found news that their dumpee slept or dated someone else within a short time after the breakup.

 

Well don't you think dumpees wonder too that the dumper didn't love them for them to have so much courage to break off a relationship? It goes both ways ya know.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dumpers might wonder if their dumpees really loved them if they found news that their dumpee slept or dated someone else within a short time after the breakup.

 

Well don't you think dumpees wonder too that the dumper didn't love them for them to have so much courage to break off a relationship? It goes both ways ya know.

 

Check this out...

 

If the dumper is so worried about why the dumpee is sleeping with someone, the question is why? If the dumper was so adamant about leaving why does he or she care?

 

I know If I was dumped I wouldnt care what she would think about who I'm banging she forfeited the right to care the minute she left!!!

 

Screw that.

[buffnub]

how does sleeping with another girl so quickly (assuming this fling means nothing, and you were in a serious relationship) help you to get over a girl you were (and possibly still are) in love with?

 

a few years back i was cheated on out of an 8 year relationship... 2 weeks later, this girl who always wanted to be with me ended up sleeping with me. pretty regularly for a few months... let me just say - it did nothing to not make me think of my ex... but then again, i was super depressed and didnt have alot of self confidence. the sex was fantastic, and opened me up to a bunch of new things (i was only with my ex ever at that time). that kinda ended sadly as well because towards the end of the fling, i never had any intentions other than sex, and she started out the same way, but started to fall for me... complicating things even more...

 

i guess it all depends. right now, im still sad about my breakup with my fiance 6 weeks ago, and have 0 desire to hook up with anyone. and thats not for lack of confidence, because i turned the ol' pickup games quite a bit the past few weekends to see if i still have it, and i do.. getting numbers, invites to hang out, etc... my head just isnt into it right now.

[MeMyself&I]

Check this out...

 

If the dumper is so worried about why the dumpee is sleeping with someone, the question is why? If the dumper was so adamant about leaving why does he or she care?

 

I know If I was dumped I wouldnt care what she would think about who I'm banging she forfeited the right to care the minute she left!!!

 

Screw that.

 

I'm sure you are not the only dumpee that feels this way. In my earlier post, I acknowledged people will handle a break-up in different ways. My ex, I'm sure, felt justified and free to sleep with the girl that came to town if he did and I agree with your feelings...that we are broke up so he is free to do so. Maybe it's more of a guy thing--like I said guys don't necessarily relate sex to love/emotions so it may not feel like a lack of love for their ex for them to sleep with someone immediately after a break-up. I'm not saying that women or men don't have that right, they are single, I'm just saying that it's relative to the person on whether they will immediately do it.

 

I've always been the dumpee in the past. I've never cheated on a boyfriend and there is no way I could rush into a sexual relationship right after a break-up. Because I DEFINITELY associate sexual intimacy with caring/affection and love. So that may be why it's hard for me to comprehend my ex doing it if he did indeed love and care about me. Even as the dumper this time, I am still not ready for an intimate relationship.

 

You said she "forfeited the right to care the minute she left." I disagree but only with the wording. She/he forfeited the right to say anything about it or to hold their ex accountable for it. But I don't feel you can say somebody gave up their right to care. We can't control how other people feel and we can't always control our own emotions (but some are better than others, my ex was the king of hiding emotions). If we could give up our right to care all of the dumpees wouldn't be hurting/pining for their ex's and this forum would not be here. They don't want to feel the way you do. I've heard that over and over again on here.

 

And I don't want to feel the way I do. I know it was my choice and I need to "man up" and get over it. But I can't change that I love my ex and miss him. Feelings can't be given and taken away. It's just like when someone says he/she made me do it or I only did it because he/she said. WRONG. We are accountable for our own actions and our own feelings.

 

Chrome I hope you don't think I'm undermining your feelings above and saying they are wrong. Getting to the point of anger toward ones ex is all part of the healing process. I don't begrudge anyone that. I've been there.

 

I don't know. I guess if we could all just turn off our feelings we wouldn't be here.

 

Feel free to contradict me if you want. Just be gentle ......it's been a rough day and not just in regards to my recent break up!!

[chris250]

Another thing I read about on here is that some dumpers think the dumpee is an immature ass for ignoring contact from the dumper.

 

I read about it in some of the NC or LC guides that says it's rude to ignore the dumper. It's just a way to make dumpees feel guilty for not wanting to be friends. For those who feel this way why is that?

 

I do not think it's rude to ignore someone when they have already proven that they cannot be trusted and they have acted in ways that gets me questioning their intentions.

 

It's for my own protection that I ignore contact from my ex dumpers. Why? because I have no idea if they are just playing mind games or what. It's not immature on my part. If I answer the phone then I'll just be tempted to analyze everything she says and grab for straws & false hope of a reconciliation.

 

I think it's very inconsiderate and rude on the dumper's part to call and "check in" on their dumpees. All that does is mess with the dumpee's mind and gives them false hope. If you want it to be over then don't call me after the fact!

 

Hopefully the dumpers out there who love & care for their dumpees will be considerate enough NOT to call after the breakup! This way you allow them to focus on their own healing process.

[MeMyself&I]

I think it's very inconsiderate and rude on the dumper's part to call and "check in" on their dumpees. All that does is mess with the dumpee's mind and gives them false hope. If you want it to be over then don't call me after the fact!

 

Hopefully the dumpers out there who love & care for their dumpees will be considerate enough NOT to call after the breakup! This way you allow them to focus on their own healing process.

 

Hi Chris,

 

I have been dumped many of times but in my last relationship (ending i month ago) I was the dumper.

 

You are sooo right. It is wrong to contact your ex as the dumper (at least in the early stages) if you are only trying to assuage your guilt. If the dumper is doing it to keep them as a back-up or rub a new relationship in their face--then contact is just dispicable. I have contacted my Ex a couple times in the last month and both times I apologized and told him I wanted to work it out and I was sorry I hurt him. He has not been receptive and may never be.

 

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know, that the last thing I want to do is hurt my ex more. I have let him know I want to work things out. Now he needs time to process this and his feelings and decide if he wants to work it out too or if he wants to use this time to heal and move on.

 

I wrote this in more detail in another thread. I don't know.......maybe it was this one??? lol I'm starting to mix them all together.

 

So I hope this helps you to see that not all of us contact our exes to keep them on a leash to control them or to make ourselves feel less of the "bad guy/girl".

[Chrome Barracuda]

The fact of the matter remains when the relationship is going well and the dumper just wants to run away without even working on it, I view that as a cowardly act. I could see if the man was abusing you or cheating or beating. But when a woman says she wants to see other men because she wants to know what it feels like to get gangbanged. I take it like a slap in the face and our whole relationship was nothing but a mere plaything to occupy her time...but i digress. lol.

 

In the end I just take a hard line against females dumping decent dudes for no reason other than their too complacent or bored or wanna ride the next man. I mean what was the point of the relationship if your gonna leave anyway?

 

If that was the case the man should have just put his heart on lock and just slayed it out. So that way when she left it wouldnt have sucked.

 

I think that when women leave men we as men can sleep with others quickly because we can differeniate between love and lust. We are weary of investing our emotions. We know it's just our organs having fun that night. no foul.

 

I think if I truly loved a chick and she just up and left me for some BS I'd grieve the relationship but I wouldnt let that stop me from dipping my foot in the pool. Just because she's gone doesnt mean I'm dead.

[wowIlose]

I'm sure you are not the only dumpee that feels this way. In my earlier post, I acknowledged people will handle a break-up in different ways. My ex, I'm sure, felt justified and free to sleep with the girl that came to town if he did and I agree with your feelings...that we are broke up so he is free to do so. Maybe it's more of a guy thing--like I said guys don't necessarily relate sex to love/emotions so it may not feel like a lack of love for their ex for them to sleep with someone immediately after a break-up. I'm not saying that women or men don't have that right, they are single, I'm just saying that it's relative to the person on whether they will immediately do it.

 

I've always been the dumpee in the past. I've never cheated on a boyfriend and there is no way I could rush into a sexual relationship right after a break-up. Because I DEFINITELY associate sexual intimacy with caring/affection and love. So that may be why it's hard for me to comprehend my ex doing it if he did indeed love and care about me. Even as the dumper this time, I am still not ready for an intimate relationship.

 

You said she "forfeited the right to care the minute she left." I disagree but only with the wording. She/he forfeited the right to say anything about it or to hold their ex accountable for it. But I don't feel you can say somebody gave up their right to care. We can't control how other people feel and we can't always control our own emotions (but some are better than others, my ex was the king of hiding emotions). If we could give up our right to care all of the dumpees wouldn't be hurting/pining for their ex's and this forum would not be here. They don't want to feel the way you do. I've heard that over and over again on here.

 

And I don't want to feel the way I do. I know it was my choice and I need to "man up" and get over it. But I can't change that I love my ex and miss him. Feelings can't be given and taken away. It's just like when someone says he/she made me do it or I only did it because he/she said. WRONG. We are accountable for our own actions and our own feelings.

 

Chrome I hope you don't think I'm undermining your feelings above and saying they are wrong. Getting to the point of anger toward ones ex is all part of the healing process. I don't begrudge anyone that. I've been there.

 

I don't know. I guess if we could all just turn off our feelings we wouldn't be here.

 

Feel free to contradict me if you want. Just be gentle ......it's been a rough day and not just in regards to my recent break up!!

 

So many things wrong with this post I don't even know where to start...

 

If you broke up with your EX you have no right to judge him - or second guess his feelings for you by looking at how fast he jumps into bed with another woman.

 

Think about this for a second... You dumped him right? At which point I don't care how much you say you "cared", "loved" or wanted things to work out. YOU LEFT HIM - He didn't leave you... he didn't break up with you... and now your wondering how much he really loved you because your surprised that he actually moved on and didn't sit there calling you and crying over you like most chumps would do. You have absolutely no right to question his love for you when your actions told him everything he needs to know about your love for him. Don't even try to sugar coat it. You reap what you sow.

 

"We can't control how other people feel and we can't always control our own emotions"

 

Your right we can't control how other people feel but we certainly can control our own emotions. This may be a foreign concept for you but its very doable. But thats beside the point..

 

You say "But I can't change that I love my ex and miss him."

 

Really? If you loved him you would have never broken up with him. The only reason you "love" him now is because hes no longer available - its just one of the laws of attraction. Your love for him is conditional - I hope you see that.

 

Let me break this down for you. You broke up with your EX - he moved on very quickly. You didn't expect this to happen. Maybe you thought he would stick around and try to get you back but it didn't happen. When he moved forward with his life you felt like he some how did you wrong because your breakup backfired in your face. Of course this naturally rose you interest in him and now your "hurt". Wake up woman.

 

NOTE: I am not trying to attack you, just trying to put things in perspective for you.