Dumpers DO feel remorse--I should know

[EmperorR]

Hm let's see everything was going great in my relationship my ex and I were very happy, she goes away for two weeks to visit her sick grandparents and ends up sleeping with a guy three times comes back and dumps me, a week later she falls for another guy she just met. I loved my ex more than anything , if she ddidnt want to be with me then break it off instead she was a cowards backstabber even wires after a month of nc she contacts me on what would be 3 year anniversary like it was still revered to her, I didn't cheat I didn't hop back into a rebound I mourned I recovered I didn't sleep with anyone none of that.

 

I did nc for me not to be mean she out her selfishness first instead of our relationship so I owe her absolutely nothing. Dumpees like my ex are scum filth cowards.

[MeMyself&I]

I never said I had any right to question him on moving on. I said I can't help that it hurt. I can hide the hurt if that's what you seem to think I should do because I don't deserve it---but it doesn't mean it isn't there.

 

I guess I just don't get the point here. Many people on here are sooo bitter (and I'm not saying it's not justified). I understand if you were cheated on, etc that it would be difficult to not be bitter but it's not all black and white. I've been dumped many times and although I was hurt and got angry for a while I was able to see eventually what motivated it.

 

Neither of us cheated in our relationship. My Ex was emotionally barren. Never showed me how he felt, never made me a priority and never made any effort. When even friends that are his friends more than mine came up and told me to wake up--he can never be what you need and never be what anybody needs and that he will grow up bitter and alone--I had to take step back and not look with my heart (like I always did) but with my head. I felt that he did not love or care for me. I did try to talk to him about it when we were together and he was never receptive. It was only AFTER I broke up with him that he threw it out there and told me. Why couldn't he have done that when we were together.....talk about a slap in the face--after the fact. I showed him every time I saw him when we were together that I loved him. Everyone observed this and told me that I was giving and giving and all he did was take.

 

He is a good man......but a horrible boyfriend/partner, etc. Besides I don't know if he move on and if he did like you said......it's his right. This was a girl that lives in Texas with her boyfriend that my ex slept with before me and she stayed with him some of the time when she came back to visit a few weeks ago.

 

And I feel you are WRONG that a lack of love motivates whether you break up with someone. I stayed with many men that were emotionally, physically abusive to me. I feel sometimes I would be applauded more on here for staying in an abusive relationship rather than picking up what little self-worth I had and leaving for the sake of myself and the emotional health of my children.

 

I finally do get what BCCA (thank you) said. I did leave for selfish reasons--reasons for myself and the betterment of my future (and my kids). But that does not make it a bad decision or mean I did not love him.

 

We don't have to agree.....we are looking it from different perspectives and from different genders.....I think. Maybe you weren't attacking but it came across that way. But I'm just a dumper......I don't have feelings !

 

Anyway.....peace to you and I hope you find what you need on here. I'm not here to fight with anyone or tell them their feelings are wrong (including yours). Peoples feelings are their own. I just want everyone to feel good about themselves again and feel their emotions in a healthy constructive NOT destructive way.

[wowIlose]

Ok, first I am going to apologize if I came across a little aggressive in my last post.

 

I want to ask you something. You say your EX was emotionally barren and that you made a decision based on logic and not emotion correct?

 

You where looking out for yourself correct? Nothing wrong with this. If he was a bad boyfriend and you weren't happy then you did the right thing for yourself.

 

So based on what you wrote you removed yourself from the situation emotionally and decided to make a decision based on the fact he was a terrible, emotionally barren boyfriend and you weren't happy. You did this because it was in your best interest. So far so good.

 

Here is where things get a bit grey..

 

You say

"I did try to talk to him about it when we were together and he was never receptive. It was only AFTER I broke up with him that he threw it out there and told me. Why couldn't he have done that when we were together.....talk about a slap in the face--after the fact."

 

So all he had to do was tell you he loved you? Open up and say it? Your telling us here that if he just said it you would have never broke up with him. The way this sounds to me is that the relationship hinged on this one factor... because you clearly claim you would have never broke up with him had he just "threw it out there" and told you.

 

I find that extremely difficult to swallow. And now that he did tell you, your back in love with him and want him back? Come on girl. Are you telling me the fact he actually moved on and started sleeping with other women did nothing to spark this hidden love?

 

Your saying a few lousy words would have saved this relationship and you would have never broken up and you think now that he threw it out there that hes being genuine with you? Your thinking way more with your emotions than your willing to admit. Your hot and bothered about the fact hes replaced you and this is really affecting your judgment because no person in there right mind after breaking up with someone would want them back so quickly based on a few lousy words when you know that it takes a lot more than someone throwing something out there for them to change.

 

You have to stand by your actions. If you knew he wasn't good for you and you made a decision to leave him then you can not back paddle because wether you want to beileve it or not the fact he moved on and starting sleeping with other women has really effected you and if you read your posts and aren't invested in the situation then its very easy to see between the lines, at least for me.

 

Either way, this doesn't mean your a bad person or that you shouldn't feel pain but please don't shift blame here - you are responsible for your actions and hes responsible for his.

 

Good luck:)

[MeMyself&I]

You say

"I did try to talk to him about it when we were together and he was never receptive. It was only AFTER I broke up with him that he threw it out there and told me. Why couldn't he have done that when we were together.....talk about a slap in the face--after the fact."

 

So all he had to do was tell you he loved you? Open up and say it? Your telling us here that if he just said it you would have never broke up with him. The way this sounds to me is that the relationship hinged on this one factor... because you clearly claim you would have never broke up with him had he just "threw it out there" and told you.

 

I needed him to show it OR say it. He was not capable of either. On top of that I was never a priority--some things I shouldn't have been first over...but once in a while would have been nice. He was very introverted. Never even took me on an "official" date. There were a lot of things but I probably could have lived with most of them if he would have showed OR told me he cared.

 

I find that extremely difficult to swallow. And now that he did tell you, your back in love with him and want him back? Come on girl. Are you telling me the fact he actually moved on and started sleeping with other women did nothing to spark this hidden love?

I went to him to apologize and tell him I was sorry before he told me FINALLY he cared about me. This was also before him maybe sleeping with the other girl. I know if he did it was just for sexual satisfaction......she doesn't even live here anymore. Also, I've told you and agreed with you.......none of my business but it did hurt. You can say I didn't have a right to hurt but you can't tell me whether I did or did not hurt. Just like I can't tell you your feelings.

 

Your saying a few lousy words would have saved this relationship and you would have never broken up and you think now that he threw it out there that hes being genuine with you? Your thinking way more with your emotions than your willing to admit. Your hot and bothered about the fact hes replaced you and this is really affecting your judgment because no person in there right mind after breaking up with someone would want them back so quickly based on a few lousy words when you know that it takes a lot more than someone throwing something out there for them to change.

Nope not just words would have saved it.......but it would have been a start. Once again......I have no idea if he replaced me. There may be another girl I don't know about. None of my business......but when/if I do find out it will be hard.......but like you said--I left him.

 

You have to stand by your actions. If you knew he wasn't good for you and you made a decision to leave him then you can not back paddle because wether you want to beileve it or not the fact he moved on and starting sleeping with other women has really effected you and if you read your posts and aren't invested in the situation then its very easy to see between the lines, at least for me.

I did make the right decision based on where we were at that time. We both have some growth to do and I doubt he can ever give me what I need. You are right. So in that respect I AM wishy-washy. The thing you don't understand is I'm not surprised if he is sleeping with someone else. He was always a very sexually active guy. I know this. He didn't cheat when we were together but I know he has no difficulty in finding sexual partners---no surprise there to me, my friends or his friends.

 

Either way, this doesn't mean your a bad person or that you shouldn't feel pain but please don't shift blame here - you are responsible for your actions and hes responsible for his.

 

Good luck:)

Thank you for complimenting me on not being a bad person . Please reread this from my prior post. "I finally do get what BCCA (thank you) said. I did leave for selfish reasons--reasons for myself and the betterment of my future (and my kids). But that does not make it a bad decision or mean I did not love him." I did make the decision to leave and it was based on how I perceived the relationship. So my decision was my choice--I try to not even blame him for his short-comings during our relationship. He was not intentionally hurting me......like cheating or abusing. I actually cried to one of my friends afterwards because I felt sorry/bad for him that he is not capable of giving these gifts to the woman he cares about and will maybe be alone for the rest of his life. I don't want that for him.......but it's not my problem. Just like the other women, if/when there are any. I gave up my role to hold him to any accountability to me when I broke it off.

 

I think it comes down to this. I AGREE with you that I gave up any right to expect anything or judge anything he does (actually I try not to judge anybody but I'm still human). But what I DON'T agree with is that I don't have a right to FEEL anything. As long as I'm not throwing those feelings in his face (cause I gave up that right), I can still own my own feelings.

 

This has been a good discussion thank you for your feedback and point of view.

 

Luck to you too.

[sad_panda]

I never said I had any right to question him on moving on. I said I can't help that it hurt. I can hide the hurt if that's what you seem to think I should do because I don't deserve it---but it doesn't mean it isn't there.

 

 

Of course it hurts. Apparently my ex is also hurt that I cut him out of my life that easily and started dating again, according to a mutual friend. I think it's more of an ego thing to be honest. He thought I would grovel and beg (because I did that night he broke up with me) but it was a slap in his face how quickly I turned his back on him.

 

In the end it doesn't matter if the dumper feels remorse or not. As a dumpee I don't give a flying f*ck about what my ex feels anymore, he made his choice anyway, and I didn't get to have a say. I'm not saying that what he did was wrong (because I would've done the same if I felt my needs were being met). It's just that hearing about him feeling bad about the whole thing has no impact on my life--it doesn't make me feel better or worse. And it's not about bitterness, it's just about not letting someone from my past mess up with my quest for a happy future.

[BCCA]

In the end it doesn't matter if the dumper feels remorse or not. As a dumpee I don't give a flying f*ck about what my ex feels anymore, he made his choice anyway, and I didn't get to have a say. I'm not saying that what he did was wrong (because I would've done the same if I felt my needs were being met). It's just that hearing about him feeling bad about the whole thing has no impact on my life--it doesn't make me feel better or worse. And it's not about bitterness, it's just about not letting someone from my past mess up with my quest for a happy future.

 

This is kind of a harsher way to say what I was getting at. I dont blame anyone for leaving a relationship they didnt feel satisfied their needs or made them happy. No one wants to be stuck in one of those.

 

I think the part dumpees take issue with is the attempt to solicit some form of sympathy by saying 'well it wasnt easy for me either'. Thats fine, but you still chose to take that difficult path instead of work things out, and the person you just dumped has every right to not feel sorry for you. Trust me, the LAST person on the face of this earth that's going to feel bad for your 'tough situation' is the person you just left.

 

Let me recap a few points so we're all clear:

 

1. You have every right to end any and all relationships if you feel they are not right for you. It's your life, and you need to be happy.

 

2. The decision, however, to end said relationship IS a selfish one, made by you and for you.

 

3. While I'm certain its not easy for the dumper, you still cant expect too much sympathy for being in the situation you chose to be in.

 

4. The dumpee is not going to feel for you, and has every right to never want to speak with you again.

[sad_panda]

He thought I would grovel and beg (because I did that night he broke up with me) but it was a slap in his face how quickly I turned his back on him.

 

I meant to say "I turned MY back on him."

 

In the end it doesn't matter if the dumper feels remorse or not. As a dumpee I don't give a flying f*ck about what my ex feels anymore, he made his choice anyway, and I didn't get to have a say. I'm not saying that what he did was wrong (because I would've done the same if I felt my needs were being met).

 

I meant to say "because I would've done the same if I felt my needs were NOT being met" but I guess you all get what I intended to mean.

[Dollie]

So what happens if the person you having been with for 2 years just stops calling, no explaination and then just hooks up with a girl 18 years younger 2 weeks later?

 

Is it ok to be mad then?

[buffnub]

So what happens if the person you having been with for 2 years just stops calling, no explaination and then just hooks up with a girl 18 years younger 2 weeks later?

 

Is it ok to be mad then?

 

hell.. that made ME mad... YES!

[BCCA]

So what happens if the person you having been with for 2 years just stops calling, no explaination and then just hooks up with a girl 18 years younger 2 weeks later?

 

Is it ok to be mad then?

 

You can be mad for whatever you want. Its your life, dont ever let anyone tell you when or how to be upset. Even if he did break it off, you would still be entitled to think hes a pig and never want anything to do with him.

 

Yes, you are entitled to be mad. No, this anger probably wont help.

[paperchase]

I agree that when you really, really love someone and have the maturity and communication skills to carry out that love to the fullest extent, it's simply not an option to walk away UNTIL absolutely everything under the sun has been discussed and attempted together. Sometimes, also, that decision to walk away is because when the person weighed the good and bad and weighed how much effort it would take to transform some of the bad into something better with a particular person, they came to the realization that in truth they didn't love that person enough to put in the effort. And often those people tell themselves, "It was for the best, for both of us," when in fact the bottom line was that they just didn't love the person enough. Loved them, yes, maybe...but not enough.

 

In total agreement. I'd add that many people think falling in love IS love itself and as soon as that thrill fades, they go searching to find it again.

[Emmortal]

It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner.

 

So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?

Amen to that. I have recently walked away from a relationship with someone whom I still love very deeply, but it just wouldn't work. We tried to make it work, including some counseling, but in the end we were both miserable. I feel pretty certain that had it not been me dumping at that time, it would have been her 2-4-6 months down the road.

 

My feelings were always doubted and questioned. I had to prove every last emotion I felt for her. You can only live like that for so long before you start to lose yourself.

 

How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?

The last line of that quote rings especially true for me. I don't doubt she was the one, I never did and still don't. Now I need to figure out how to let her go and it's tearing me apart...

[Emmortal]

often people who end a relationship convince themselves it was their only choice, when in truth, they DID make a choice: to cut ties rather than bring their partner's attention to the problems and solicit a MUTUAL EFFORT to work on those problems. Often people so fear confrontation and/or being let down by another person that they just walk away rather than stick out the relationship. I agree that when you really, really love someone and have the maturity and communication skills to carry out that love to the fullest extent, it's simply not an option to walk away UNTIL absolutely everything under the sun has been discussed and attempted together. And oftentimes, perfectly wonderful people believe they've done all they can and walk away, when truth is, they haven't tried everything. Sometimes, also, that decision to walk away is because when the person weighed the good and bad and weighed how much effort it would take to transform some of the bad into something better with a particular person, they came to the realization that in truth they didn't love that person enough to put in the effort. And often those people tell themselves, "It was for the best, for both of us," when in fact the bottom line was that they just didn't love the person enough. Loved them, yes, maybe...but not enough.

 

I can't fully agree with this, to an extent I do yes but not fully. Who's to say that someone hasn't tried everything, the dumpee? Everyone has a limit as to what they can give, a point where they just have nothing left in them, no matter how much you love someone. That place is going to be different for different people.

 

This struck a particular chord in me as I was accused of 'not doing all I could' and that 'I just didn't love her enough' when the fact of the matter is I did and still do. I gave beyond what I thought I was capable of and tried to work with her to make things between us work, up to and including counseling. I made many changes to myself and my ways of thinking trying to make it work. I just got to a point where I had nothing left to give.

 

Sometimes there really is no other option and it truly is 'for the best'.

[Zapbasket]

I can't fully agree with this, to an extent I do yes but not fully. Who's to say that someone hasn't tried everything, the dumpee? Everyone has a limit as to what they can give, a point where they just have nothing left in them, no matter how much you love someone. That place is going to be different for different people.

 

This struck a particular chord in me as I was accused of 'not doing all I could' and that 'I just didn't love her enough' when the fact of the matter is I did and still do. I gave beyond what I thought I was capable of and tried to work with her to make things between us work, up to and including counseling. I made many changes to myself and my ways of thinking trying to make it work. I just got to a point where I had nothing left to give.

 

Sometimes there really is no other option and it truly is 'for the best'.

 

And your case demonstrates the subjective element in what I said. Sometimes you're just all "gived out"--and where that point is reached is different for everyone as well as for each relationship. But we live in a cultural milieu that no longer looks askance on breakups/divorce, so for people in search of an easy out from relational difficulties, there is always a way out. For that reason, as well as from my own observation, I believe that many people do convince themselves they've done all that could be done, when in truth they just ran away. Only you could know if that's true in your case.

 

Also, there's truth in the notion that at any given moment in our lives, we're truly doing the best we can. As we continue to grow, so our "best" grows also, such that were we to be faced witih the same situation years later, we'd have the ability to handle it much better.

 

That's why I always joke that when I meet a really special person, I fantasize about saying to them, "It's so great to meet you. You're really special and frankly, I'm too immature at this stage to handle your wonderfulness in the way it deserves. How about you contact me when I'm, oh, 80 and (hopefully!) have a little more sense!"

[Lippy2]

And your case demonstrates the subjective element in what I said. Sometimes you're just all "gived out"--and where that point is reached is different for everyone as well as for each relationship. But we live in a cultural milieu that no longer looks askance on breakups/divorce, so for people in search of an easy out from relational difficulties, there is always a way out. For that reason, as well as from my own observation, I believe that many people do convince themselves they've done all that could be done, when in truth they just ran away. Only you could know if that's true in your case.

 

Also, there's truth in the notion that at any given moment in our lives, we're truly doing the best we can. As we continue to grow, so our "best" grows also, such that were we to be faced witih the same situation years later, we'd have the ability to handle it much better.

 

That's why I always joke that when I meet a really special person, I fantasize about saying to them, "It's so great to meet you. You're really special and frankly, I'm too immature at this stage to handle your wonderfulness in the way it deserves. How about you contact me when I'm, oh, 80 and (hopefully!) have a little more sense!"

 

 

This is what my 5 year boyfriend just did to me more or less. Said that he needed to step back and look at things because there is so much going on in his life. That you are the perfect girlfriend, supportive, giving, loving, patient, etc etc. That he does love me, theres no question about that but needs to be by himself right now and it isn't fair that he ask that I wait but just really wants to take a step back.

 

That makes me angry, if I am so wonderful then we would work it out together. On the selfish topic, he did say maybe I am being selfish but it's what I need to do.

 

This just happened, so I am still a little raw right now. I was very interested in this thread so I thought I would add to it.

 

No, I don't think this bothers him even a little bit, even though he told me this was going to be hard for him.

[Emmortal]

And your case demonstrates the subjective element in what I said. Sometimes you're just all "gived out"--and where that point is reached is different for everyone as well as for each relationship. But we live in a cultural milieu that no longer looks askance on breakups/divorce, so for people in search of an easy out from relational difficulties, there is always a way out. For that reason, as well as from my own observation, I believe that many people do convince themselves they've done all that could be done, when in truth they just ran away. Only you could know if that's true in your case.

 

Oh so true. It seems people in general take the easy road and just walk away before really trying to make it work. Then blame everyone else for the reason it ended. Wouldn't it be nice if everything were so black and white though and not really as subjective? I dream of that day.

 

I can see the infomercial now. "Having relationship troubles? Have we got the solution for you! Just follow the 5 easy steps in our new book love for dummies and you too can have the relationship of your dreams. Just ask Karen and Mike from Okl................" lol

 

Also, there's truth in the notion that at any given moment in our lives, we're truly doing the best we can. As we continue to grow, so our "best" grows also, such that were we to be faced witih the same situation years later, we'd have the ability to handle it much better.

There's so much truth to that. I grew SO much over the course of this relationship in a relatively short time. My 'best' is definitely on a whole other level than it was a year ago.

 

That's why I always joke that when I meet a really special person, I fantasize about saying to them, "It's so great to meet you. You're really special and frankly, I'm too immature at this stage to handle your wonderfulness in the way it deserves. How about you contact me when I'm, oh, 80 and (hopefully!) have a little more sense!"

hahahah, that's awesome. I'll have to remember that one.

[Zapbasket]

 

hahahah, that's awesome. I'll have to remember that one.

 

But that's the rub, isn't it? Since it doesn't make sense to wait around until I'm near the end of my life to forge a relationship with me, then at the time being the best I can offer is the best I can muster at this young age in my life, along with the promise of commitment to learning and growing and bettering myself as I grow older. Someone one day hopefully will truly love me enough to accept that uncertain promise (since I can't guarantee any particular outcome) and my imperfect self.

 

It all boils down to tolerating imperfection, perhaps: in ourselves, as well as in others. Sucks, doesn't it?

[BCCA]

It all boils down to tolerating imperfection, perhaps: in ourselves, as well as in others. Sucks, doesn't it?

 

For people in their twenties, tolerance is in constant fluctuation. People will tolerate as much as they think they should have to, and then they give up. We also live in a world of instant gratification, and if youre under 30 and attractive, you really dont need to give a whole lot to get someone else, so when youre faced with either 'working' at a relationship or bailing, most people just take the easy way out. There is always someone else, right?

 

And of course, MANY young people are cursed with the 'grass is greener' mentality, and always look for something easier and better to come along.

 

Sadly, once most people have really grasped the concept of what it takes to be in a relationship, they've usually already squandered away several good ones. And its always easier to blame someone else instead of yourself, so people rarely admit fault.

[Zapbasket]

For people in their twenties, tolerance is in constant fluctuation. People will tolerate as much as they think they should have to, and then they give up. We also live in a world of instant gratification, and if youre under 30 and attractive, you really dont need to give a whole lot to get someone else, so when youre faced with either 'working' at a relationship or bailing, most people just take the easy way out. There is always someone else, right?

 

And of course, MANY young people are cursed with the 'grass is greener' mentality, and always look for something easier and better to come along.

 

Sadly, once most people have really grasped the concept of what it takes to be in a relationship, they've usually already squandered away several good ones. And its always easier to blame someone else instead of yourself, so people rarely admit fault.

 

Bingo. Well said. But I do also agree with Emmortal that at any age and relational maturity level, sometimes you find yourself completely depleted, and you must walk away to restore your sanity. In such cases, it's not taking the easy way out; rather, and sadly, it's the only way through. And in the exhaustion of the moment, you can't even know whether walking away will even be effective. It's like walking away from a burning house in the middle of the Sahara. You may not have had water to put out the flames; you saved yourself from burning; but still yet you may die of your dehydration. If that analogy makes sense....

[Zapbasket]

This is what my 5 year boyfriend just did to me more or less. Said that he needed to step back and look at things because there is so much going on in his life. That you are the perfect girlfriend, supportive, giving, loving, patient, etc etc. That he does love me, theres no question about that but needs to be by himself right now and it isn't fair that he ask that I wait but just really wants to take a step back.

 

Just saw your post. Omg, were I in your shoes that would PISS me off no end!

 

But since I'm merely an onlooker, I can objectively suggest that *perhaps* he was being commendably honest, and genuinely trying to do the right thing. It's entirely conceivable that someone could find someone utterly wonderful, e.g., "the perfect girlfriend," and end up feeling hopelessly inadequate. That definitely sucks, but at least in that case you can't say he's a jerk. Just foolish and immature, as he admits himself to be anyway!

 

On the other hand, such a line could also be a convenient way out, from someone too *ambivalent* to stick the relationship out. It's the agony of not knowing *for certain* which is the truth that would PISS ME OFF, as I imagine it must piss you off.

 

Perhaps in a case like this, only time will tell. In the meantime, onward and upwards for you! (I know, much easier said than done, eh?)

[Emmortal]

Bingo. Well said. But I do also agree with Emmortal that at any age and relational maturity level, sometimes you find yourself completely depleted, and you must walk away to restore your sanity. In such cases, it's not taking the easy way out; rather, and sadly, it's the only way through. And in the exhaustion of the moment, you can't even know whether walking away will even be effective. It's like walking away from a burning house in the middle of the Sahara. You may not have had water to put out the flames; you saved yourself from burning; but still yet you may die of your dehydration. If that analogy makes sense....

 

I would say the analogy makes prefect sense, well said. On one hand you can keep the one you love, but are so drained to be with that you're miserable and losing yourself, on the other hand you can walk away and lose the person you love, but hopefully save your own sanity.

 

Personally I'm still walking the desert looking for my sanity, hoping like hell I find an oasis soon.

[MeMyself&I]

GreenCove this is awesome!!

 

It's like walking away from a burning house in the middle of the Sahara. You may not have had water to put out the flames; you saved yourself from burning; but still yet you may die of your dehydration. If that analogy makes sense....

 

I would say the analogy makes prefect sense, well said. On one hand you can keep the one you love, but are so drained to be with that you're miserable and losing yourself, on the other hand you can walk away and lose the person you love, but hopefully save your own sanity.

 

Personally I'm still walking the desert looking for my sanity, hoping like hell I find an oasis soon.

 

When I finally broke up with my boyfriend, this is exactly what I told him. I told him I was emotionally drained. That wondering what he wanted and how he felt about me and what his mood would be with me the next time I saw/talked with him was exhausting. I tried to talk with him but didn't want to be bitchy or nagging as so many women feel they are. But he just didn't see the problem. I was unable to concentrate on my kids, my job-search and other responsibilities because I was on an emotional rollercoaster.

 

So I walked away and I miss him like crazy (I'm still looking for my sanity). But I try to remember I missed him like crazy and was miserable when I was WITH him too. Ugh....it sucks! I take responsibility for my decision to break up with him. I could have waited for somebody/or something else to put a damper on the flames (as many of us do) but unless both of US wanted to do it......it wasn't going to be a lasting effect--the fire may smoulder for a while but eventually spark.

 

Thank you for this.......I feel so helpless sometimes knowing it was my decision yet still feeling miserable and having no one that can relate from the dumpers point of view (and that's okay cause many people on here are very hurt).

 

Thank you GreenCove and Emmortal for understanding that although we do make the choice to break up with someone we still love them, miss them and wish it could have been different. Walking away.......doesn't always mean we didn't try.

[Lippy2]

Just saw your post. Omg, were I in your shoes that would PISS me off no end!

 

But since I'm merely an onlooker, I can objectively suggest that *perhaps* he was being commendably honest, and genuinely trying to do the right thing. It's entirely conceivable that someone could find someone utterly wonderful, e.g., "the perfect girlfriend," and end up feeling hopelessly inadequate. That definitely sucks, but at least in that case you can't say he's a jerk. Just foolish and immature, as he admits himself to be anyway!

 

On the other hand, such a line could also be a convenient way out, from someone too *ambivalent* to stick the relationship out. It's the agony of not knowing *for certain* which is the truth that would PISS ME OFF, as I imagine it must piss you off.

 

Perhaps in a case like this, only time will tell. In the meantime, onward and upwards for you! (I know, much easier said than done, eh?)

 

Thanks GreenCove...

 

I am pissed off. I don't know what to think and am hurting so badly. I don't know what to do. My new question is Do dumpers really tell you the truth about how they feel? I even asked him if he was just trying to be nice because I really just don't understand. He kept saying he wavered from telling me what I want to hear to being completely honest but chose to be honest with me. I mean what's that about, really?