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[samprez]

My MW's husband caught us texting about 6 months ago. She said at the time that I liked her and it was just innocent. She had lied to him about who the text was from when he caught her. She said it was a friend but he had seen the i.d. on the phone. They had been out to dinner with a friend and didn't confront her till the next morning.

 

Flash forward. He caught her again texting me recently. Except this time, she had changed my name in the phone. Amazingly, she used a new gendered name but kept my last name. He didn't recognize the woman's name and questioned her. I think seeing my last name was a major clue, duh!!! I guess she confessed. She wouldn't give me details.

 

Anyway, how long before he starts backfilling and looking for more evidence, or does he convince himself nothing happened and move on? This will effect me so I'm curious what people think. I think her changing the name and getting busted is a big problem and will not go away quickly.

[stampdaddy]

there probably will be or is a "denial factor" on his part. Not wanting to know the truth.. He is afraid of it more than likely. Because IF he wanted to, from the sounds of your posts, he COULD figure out the depth of this thing pretty quickly

[samprez]

there probably will be or is a "denial factor" on his part. Not wanting to know the truth.. He is afraid of it more than likely. Because IF he wanted to, from the sounds of your posts, he COULD figure out the depth of this thing pretty quickly

 

Agreed, no rocket science here. I think he looks this time.

[Geishawhelk]

Anyway, how long before he starts backfilling and looking for more evidence, or does he convince himself nothing happened and move on?

 

I don't know.

Is he as stupid as she is?

 

This will effect me so I'm curious what people think. I think her changing the name and getting busted is a big problem and will not go away quickly.

I think messing around with a married woman is asking for trouble and it looks like you might get yours coming.

Damn right it will affect you....!

[samprez]

I know that part...

[jj33]

How will this effect you? Do you expect him to confront you? Another excellent reason to go NC regardless of what she does. Keep your bit clean so he has nothing on you going forward.

[sadintexas]

He may not ever decide to learn more. He may bury his head in the sand. Sometimes it's easier than facing reality.

 

My xMM and I were spotted by a friend of his W's towards the beginning (I didn't find this out until recently). The friend told the W, and there was no denying what we were doing when she spotted us. The W had ample opportunity to investigate to see if he was really in an A. She questioned him once about having a GF and then dropped it. One check into their cell phone bill would have busted him.

 

She had always told him that infidelity was a deal breaker so I guess she had to decide if she wanted to really find out and then follow through with what she'd told him, or if she wanted to play ignorant and keep life as it is.

[samprez]

Let me say this, first I'm very aware that whatever comes of this is my own doing....

 

I think he may look this time. Unlike most people, he has 2 points on a time line that both point to me about 6 months apart. And his wife lied both times she was confronted. The first time he had "cheating spouse dreams," and the eventually talked it out and she was able to actually change the conversation to discuss their gaps in their relationship. But I'm not sure how he ignores this. And it's not about him outing this. It's about any potential conflicts and communication.

 

I agree that he buried his head in the sand the last time, because I always suspected he knew something was up. He knows I used to work in an office near their home (I no longer do, thank god). Too many clues on his side. Oh well, we'll see what happens...I'm not going to poke around.

[whichwayisup]

EVEN IF you two did end up together, how the heck could you trust her?

[samprez]

EVEN IF you two did end up together, how the heck could you trust her?

 

It's a complicated answer. Want it?

[whichwayisup]

If it helps you get over her and see the realistic side of your affair and focus on your wife more, sure.

 

You two only know eachother in an affair setting, based on cheating and betraying your spouses. Both of you have lied, planned, carried on a double life behind your spouses back, so I would think there WOULD be trust issues on both sides, not just on your side.

[Reggie]

Why worry about it.It is out of your control. Some bury their heads, others dig and dig. It's a continuum.

[norajane]

I guess she confessed. She wouldn't give me details.

 

If she really confessed, then he knows and is probably going through the shock and anger right now. If he's the kind of guy who sees infidelity as a deal breaker, she may end up on your doorstep soon. If she's got him wrapped around her little finger, then she'll probably be able to convince him it's "over" and she'll try to stay away from you until the heat dies down enough so she can start seeing you again.

 

You know her better than we do. Does she have any intentions of ever leaving him?

[samprez]

She has said that she's not leaving him, but won't say "never." She's talked mostly about her kids and lifestyle but never about staying with him because of him. I honestly think it would take him leaving vs. her leaving on her own. I have no illusions about it. I think she wanted to get caught at some level; but unless he pulls the trigger I doubt she will. I decided a while ago that I can't control what she does and have been working to move forward. He buried his head once on this and my guess is that he will not this time. When he found the first text he told her he considered having her followed. Look, I'm not in their house so I can't say any of this for sure, but I think the ship has sailed on their relationship. Having said that, I think she's weak and won't go unless she's forced. Frankly, I've been riding this roller coaster for too long and while I'm detoxing right now, I have low expectations of anything with her. I do think I'll hear from her again through.

 

She's said things to me like, "I can't be in a relationship with you "right now" Honestly, I don't think she realizes what she actually says to me sometimes and what she means. I'm trying to move on; really. In fact, when I met her to tell her that my wife knew, I was very upset. My wife wanted to call her H (this was before he knew) and I wanted let her know that this was very serious stuff. That night, on IM she was asking me questions about things and then asked why I didn't kiss her that afternoon. Crazy.

 

I was interested to see what folks out here thought about whether or not her H would dig this time.

[samprez]

EVEN IF you two did end up together, how the heck could you trust her?

 

Ok, here's the deal. Having been involved in this myself, and having amazed myself that I would ever have an A; and do what I've done to maintain this, I have a hard time painting everyone who's done this with a broad brush and called the serial liars and cheaters. I have spent time in therapy discussing this. I am NOT practicing revisionist history. I have confessed to my wife and I am attempting to move forward.

 

Having said this, I do believe that there are cases where the two people involved in the A have real feelings and have built a real relationship with one another. I have seen this woman operate in the last 8 months very closesly and while I agree that she and I had to behave poorly in order to have this relationship, I don't see her as a serialy dishonest person. I know, I know, I'll get slammed for saying that, but her and her H have real problems which they've tried to address through multiple counceling sessions over the years. Life can trap even the best of us sometimes, and kids, money and lifestyle become part of the glue. While she had to do certain things to see me and that was deceitful, I don't see her has a fundamentally bad person. I think she and I have done a bad thing.

 

I'm going to therapy for several reasons. I want to learn to cope with this and deal with the consequences and I want to go to couples with my W to see if we can discuss and work out the differences we have in our relationship. My goals in couples is to deal head on with the A and then address how we see our marriage. I want to have an open dialogue so we can figure out what we want to do; together.

 

These A's suck; no doubt. But I do believe that sometimes they happen and my goal now is to seek those reasons. My MW is also a fundamentally decent person who has been conflicted by this as well. I think the primary difference right now is I've decided to seek professional help to understand what has happened and she's trying to cope on her own. Like I said, I have low expectations that she'll ever make a change in her life; with or without me. I can't really worry about that.

 

The primary reason I asked my original question here was to see what folks thought her H would do. If he digs (there are so many easy clues) then this becomes more real for her. It's like we were playing poker and she's getting called.

[jwi71]

Maybe your OW will be inspired/convinced to leave her H when YOU leave your W.

 

Really, she has told you that she stays for the kids (bullcrap) and the lifestyle (more like it). So when you keep pining for her to leave, she has NOTHING to go to. Namely because YOU are still M and unable to meet her lifestyle needs.

 

File for D, let the OW know and maybe that is the prompt SHE needs to leave her H and be with you.

[jj33]

That still doesnt change alot. He could dig and find out and still want to continue the marriage. Just as you have "glue" in your marriage. She obviously has "glue" in hers, despite the failing in their personal relationship, otherwise they wouldnt still be together.

 

It sounds like you are playing a waiting game. If she gets kicked out, you will leave too. You are both waiting for events to conspire to lead you to be together. Neither of you seems to take any affirmative action to be together. Its all reactive based on the actions of your spouses.

 

That doesnt sound like my marital relationship is over, I know you are the one that I want, want to spend the rest of my life with you and grow old together "love" it sounds like a preferred option, if you can get out without looking like the bad guys (tho that is not possible after the hurt of an A). Maybe I am oversimplifying, dont know.

[samprez]

Let me say this. I think we are both very confused. I am trying my best to break free of this because the daily drama and trauma is too much and the reality of a happy result with OW is not very likely. I'm working through the early days of withdrawal and what has been a life changing event. I am detoxing from my feelings towards her; about her and about the things we discussed and working to put this together.

 

If her H digs; he will likely throw her out. They have had years of issues and my sense from what she has said is that he won't survive infidelity on any level. She was texting me doctors results about their son from dr's offices before he knew. She was totally leaning on me emotionally. What I have learned in dealing with my W through this is that the EA is worse than the PA's. My W is devestated over my paying attention to OW and her needs and having any interest at all in someone else.

 

Unfortunately, MW and I are linked for the time being. Even during NC while our spouses deal with the falll out we remain linked. We can't predict what our spouses will do. There is much more detail to what he can find out than I can write on this post, and if he does, he will freak out. Trust me. I know what I would do. She forwarded me emails from him to his family members dealing with personal issues and things like that. Because of texting, we were both along for the ride on family vacations and other moments...like we were there. These are real things that go beyond the state of one's marriage. Hey, I'm learning like all others what the devestation is.

 

I'm posting our here so I don't continue to not control my own fait, but take control of it. This is helping me navigate the feelings I have that range from deep sadness to anger. Hope some of this makes sense.

[samprez]

Maybe your OW will be inspired/convinced to leave her H when YOU leave your W.

 

Really, she has told you that she stays for the kids (bullcrap) and the lifestyle (more like it). So when you keep pining for her to leave, she has NOTHING to go to. Namely because YOU are still M and unable to meet her lifestyle needs.

 

File for D, let the OW know and maybe that is the prompt SHE needs to leave her H and be with you.

 

When we talked about leaving spouses she said the following (in no particular order). BTW, she also said a number of times that her children validate her as a person.

 

* I like my life

* I don't want to disappoint my children

* I'm established here in town with my friends

* I'd be alone

* Even if you left your wife and I did my H, you wouldn't be with me on weekends; you'd be with your kids

* You would never leave

 

Anything new? I doubt it.

 

What I've never heard from her, even during timeouts is...

"I love my husband, this has been a mistake but I'm staying with him to make this work."

 

What I've gotten is...

"At least we've been to therapy (3X in their life) and we know each others shortcomings. You have never been, so you can't comment on us."

[jwi71]

Well then, you have a choice.

 

Continue as is or change.

 

Previously you have said staying the course just isn't viable. Fair enough.

 

So QUIT.

 

Every thought, text, IM, chat, **** you have with her continues the A - and your misery. STOP.

 

You find thoughts of her entering your...do complex math. Focus elsewhere. You have to MOVE ON.

 

Sorry but there is NO magic method. No pill, no potion no drug that will do it nor make it easier. Its cold turkey NC.

 

Honestly, who the eff cares if her H finds out. So what. What's it to you? What do you get out of it? If you say or think I will leave my W if SHE leaves first...then you need to up and leave your W anyway. AND still forget the OW. Yeah, its a mess. And the only way out is cold turkey NC. Its really that simple. And almost impossibly hard.

 

I think you get it. I think you understand and you KNOW what to do...so stop being WEAK and do it. It has to happen one day - it might as well be today.

 

I wish I had something more to offer...but your OW will NEVER leave. And honestly, if she does, you DON'T want or need her in your life.

 

Focus on repairing your tattered M or on leaving...up to you.

 

Good luck...find happiness (in a way that is not destructive to others)...

[samprez]

I honestly don't think I'm being weak. Going to therapy, discussing this so I can cope is a good thing for me. It helps me move further away and focus on the important things in my life. I'm sure you can understand the internal conflict that comes from this. Not an easy thing. Glad this board exists because it's better than getting slammed elsewhere on the blogs.

 

I don't care about what happens with her related to her H finding out, I don't want their baggage thrown at me at this point. All lines of access have been physically or electronically blocked too. But let's be honest, people can find each other if they want to. So I'm prepping myself and building up my resistence.

[stampdaddy]

Listen man, I and the fellas posting to you know where you are at in one fashion or another, and the advice given to you will be blocked (not on purpose). All you can do is try to take the appropriate steps and recognize that you are doing so, BUT, make sure that you are completely aware that YOU ARE FOOLING YOURSELF along the way. You are "rationalizing", you are in denial to some degree. You will "convince" yourself that you are doing the right things and that you are "dis-connecting", BUT YOU ARE NOT, you are still right in the thick of this and you KNOW she will get back in touch with you and when she does, you WILL cave once again.

There isnt really any more advice that any of us can give you. You KNOW the answer, but you choose not to grab ahold of it. I just wish that you would give your WIFE the respect that she deserves, because to me, that is the saddest thing that you don't get... Maybe one day you will..

[samprez]

You know what. You're right, I do KNOW what to do. This is the most difficult challenge I've faced as an adult based on all the factors I've shared. I'm TRYING which is why I started to share out here and read out here to see what others have done in this situation. I'm not denying that I have feelings of the OW and I have real positive feelings for my wife. The entire situation is SAD...I know that. I'm gearing up for when she does contact me because I know that that is coming; regardless of what I do right now. I like the idea of saying, "I love my wife, please do not contact me again." over and over until she gets it. I'm fighting like hell to move on and get this straight in my head. As I assume you know, this is painful. I have to appropriately endure my wife's anger, frustration and sadness and I have to work to let her deal with her emotions. I can't explain everything to her because I'm still trying to understand how this relationship bloomed like it did.

 

So I'm out here venting a bit and reading with interest what folks are saying, and by being here doing this, I'm not waiting for that text, email or call. Make sense? Several times before we've gone NC and she's broken it and I've fallen back in. I'm aware of this, so I'm prepping differently. My therapist and I are working on that and my coping. I'm slowly getting there.

 

Feel free to keep yelling at me

[stampdaddy]

No yelling.. Just COMPLETE understanding.. Keep telling YOURSELF that "I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife, I love my wife......" So when the OW calls, YOU are already there and it should be alot easier to be convincing. Don't wait for her to call.. You either love your wife, LIKE A WIFE, or you don't. If you don't, DO WHAT IS RIGHT.

 

**ok, a little yelling** the picture that you paint here is it is like your wife is your mommy.. You are in trouble, and you are awaiting your punishment. Gee, will it be I am grounded? Or no X Box for a week? Maybe I have to eat all of my vegetables...

 

You have painted a picture that your WIFE barely exists and definately is not ranking in the Top 3 of the players in this game.. And you know this too... Think about her, man..... WTF?!?!?

[whichwayisup]

I was interested to see what folks out here thought about whether or not her H would dig this time.

 

This isn't helping - Wondering what might or might not happen between her and her husband. Does it really make a difference to you right now? How is this helping you let go and focus on yourself and your marriage? WHO CARES what MW does now, or her husband. If you want her out of your life, then do your best to not think and wonder about her and what's going on over there.