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[samprez]

Ok, I see your point. How would one do this?

[whichwayisup]

Your wife should be the one to decide...This isn't your call.

 

Talk to your wife about this Samprez.

[Reggie]

Best way would be to man up and do it face to face. If that's too much, a letter or phone call.

[samprez]

Reggie, I get your "man up" theory, but I'm not sure what is truly gained by this. Whichway believes that my W makes the decision about this. Do you really think that if I call him and ask him to meet me somewhere this is a good thing? He knows who I am. Think he's taking the meeting? What would I say to him? Who benefits from this? I'm not being difficult, but I think if this is about my W's ability to gain her equilibrium again, then me meeting her H and sharing our story defeats that as well. What if we end up in a physical confrontation? Is that good for anyone. I have "manned up" to my wife. My MW needs to do the same for her H. Why again is it my responsibility?

[jwi71]

No, don't meet him. This is how people get hurt, shot or dead.

 

I agree with WWIU, let your W make the decision. If SHE needs it, then let it happen. If not, don;t go looking for it.

 

But your W knows and she has that option.

 

My sense is NOTHING good comes of it.

[samprez]

Yes, I'm not sure what good me and the H chatting does. I think it would be an awkward conversation and I'm not sure knowing myself like I do that I'd be able to hold back from some things that aren't related that I'd like to say to him. I want nothing to do with him. I think nothing good comes from this. If at the end of the day, my W wants to have that discussion, she can. I'm not going to ultimately be able to control that nor will I want to. We have so much work to do on our foundation.

[Reggie]

Reggie, I get your "man up" theory, but I'm not sure what is truly gained by this. Whichway believes that my W makes the decision about this. Do you really think that if I call him and ask him to meet me somewhere this is a good thing? He knows who I am. Think he's taking the meeting? What would I say to him? Who benefits from this? I'm not being difficult, but I think if this is about my W's ability to gain her equilibrium again, then me meeting her H and sharing our story defeats that as well. What if we end up in a physical confrontation? Is that good for anyone. I have "manned up" to my wife. My MW needs to do the same for her H. Why again is it my responsibility?

 

You were complicit, right? You transgressed against this guy, right? So, under what theory is it not your responsibility to apologize if you are truly remorseful and have any concern for his right to information. Why would your wife be involved in your trying to make amends?

[Reggie]

Yes, I'm not sure what good me and the H chatting does. I think it would be an awkward conversation and I'm not sure knowing myself like I do that I'd be able to hold back from some things that aren't related that I'd like to say to him. I want nothing to do with him. I think nothing good comes from this. If at the end of the day, my W wants to have that discussion, she can. I'm not going to ultimately be able to control that nor will I want to. We have so much work to do on our foundation.

 

Well, yeah, it will be uncomfortable. If it was easy, you'd have no hesitation.

 

And, if you have true contriton, why would you be tempted to hurt him further by saying something?

This seems terribly inconsistent with having genuine remorse and acknowledging the behavior was wrong in the extreme.

[samprez]

Reggie. I get what you are saying, but I have to tell you that my talking to her husband right now, and doing this is not the way this should be handled. If my W decides she wants to make that call or call the MW so be it. But if I call the H at his home of office on Monday or tomorrow how will that do anything for him or me? I'm remorseful to my W right now. While my MW and I also hurt the others spouse; we both have to deal with the immediacy of our own homes. I believe that her H will piece together things based on what he knows. MW already shared with me briefly that he knows we've been texting. I'm not opposed to at some point dealing with him, but I really think our families need to go in separate directions right now.

[whichwayisup]

I do NOT think you talking to the husband by yourself is a good idea. To what? Say sorry I helped kill your marriage? Sorry I slept with your wife and had an affair? He'd punch you in the face.

 

Now, if HE contacts you, then by all means talk to him and answer what he needs to know. Let him know as well he can freely talk to your wife (as long as she is on board with this)..

[jj33]

I think its an awful awful idea. As JW said that is how people get hurt shot or dead.

 

And how would that help her H? Sorry I banged your wife? That statement will never ever sound like it contains sincere remorse.

 

If your W wants to make the call to the H that is one thing. But no good can come of either of you seeing him in person. And no good can come of you calling him.

 

And I am sorry I know alot of the Bss POSTING here feel differently but everyone is different. Not everyone wants to hear thsi from a third party.

 

Samprez you dont know how the OW would handle this with her spouse or how he would react to it. What if she is chastened by the experience, lives with the guilt the rest of her life, but the marriage survives and they are happy together?

 

And what if you calling would have been a fatal blow to an otherwise happy enough relationship in the eyes of her H?

 

He is suspicious, if she wants to come clean she will. No doubt she should but its not for you to determine how they navigate their marital relationship.

 

In all fairness if I were being cheated on, I would want to know. But I would want the information to come from my spouse. If it came from the person he was sleeping with it would be really strange. I would question the motives of the other woman, who was a participant in the betrayal, calling me and "telling on" my spouse.

[Reggie]

The above is nonsense, IMO. It's avoidance and cowardice, full of what ifs and specualation. Of course this won't be pleasant. If you truly fear violence, do it over the phone or in a letter. The point is that the BH has a right to know what has gone on.

Samprez, be honest. You'd want to know, wouldn't you? It enables him to take some control of his destiny.

[samprez]

The above is nonsense, IMO. It's avoidance and cowardice, full of what ifs and specualation. Of course this won't be pleasant. If you truly fear violence, do it over the phone or in a letter. The point is that the BH has a right to know what has gone on.

Samprez, be honest. You'd want to know, wouldn't you? It enables him to take some control of his destiny.

 

Reggie. Frankly I think what you are advocated is nuts. It's not about avoidance or cowardice. If H calls me or confronts me, I'll talk to him. I have no idea what has been discussed on his side with W. She's been caught communicating with me secretly for at least 6 months. Did you read this entire thread? I'm not a coward but I'm also not foolish. This thread started out asking if anyone thought he'd connect the dots. What you're suggesting isn't really for his benefit, it's so I would be a man and stand up for him. As I said earlier, his W cheated on him and I have to deal with my W for the same thing. It's not my responsibility to fill in the gaps for him. Our families have to go in their own direction. This isn't about saying, "I banged your wife, have a great day!!!" There are children involved on both sides there are other factors to consider here. I know that this shouldn't have occured to begin with, but it did. So the best way to handle this now is to try and be smart and responsible on the exit. BTW, he and I have the rest of our lives to contend with one another if he so chooses. I also believe that if he contacts me, the only thing I can really say would be, "I'm sorry for this, but your problem is with your W and not with me. I have my own family to worry about."

[jj33]

I think that is wise Samprez. No doubt someone closer to the H than you knows about the affair. Let one of them be the good citizen. You have no relationship with him. Its up to his spouse to come clean rather than for you to tell.

 

Once you have banged someone's spouse I dont think you are the appropriate one to tell them. If someone told me that I would think it was incredibly self serviing. Why are you worried about me now? And if MW isnt coming clean she could always lie about it and say she rebuffed you and you were making it up. Its a very very odd thing for someone who banged your wife to call about. If someone called me and my H said he didnt do it I would believe him over some nut job calling to tell me the news.

 

And as you say your first priority has to be making amends to your own family and making them number one. Not getting embroiled in drama with MW's family.

 

As was suggested in this or another thread, stop focusing on her family and what they know. That is her responsibility. She is the one who has a duty to be honest with her H. Her family and friends who know him can be the ones to tell him. You need to try to forget about anything related to her and her situation if you want to move forward with yours.

[samprez]

For the record...no banging of the W here.

[jj33]

Well good for you. Then WHY oh WHY oh WHY would you EVER consider calling or would your W need to call him.

 

Is it good when your spouse forms an attachment to someone else. No.

 

But what would you say, hi this is Tommy and I wanted you to know that your W had a crush on me? What is this 8th grade?

 

I have to go back and read your initial posts. I am missing something here. (and far more interesting than my work...)

[jj33]

Do you work with this woman? Without asking you to post too much on the board, how do you know her from your community? Friend of a friend?

 

The way you initially wrote about it, it sounded like you were in a torrid PA with her. If its a torrid EA it can be just as devastating but the fact that she formed this emotional attachment to you is most definitely something for her to speak to her H about.

 

What could you really say to the guy? I text your W alot and I am sorry? Your W and I have developed feeling for each other but nothing happened in terms of a PA but your marriage is in trouble just a little friendly tip?

 

Im lost.

[whichwayisup]

How old are your kids?

[Reggie]

Here's my take. The way you started this thread was not the real reason you came here. Clearly, anyone with any smarts(which you seem to have) knows that strangers on a board who have no knowledge of a particular BH's personality or proclivities would be able to assess the likeliehood he would follow up and dig. You could get no meaningful advise on that subject, just a lot of useless speculation.

The thread took a turn onto what you should do. I see nothing nuts or complicated about what I advocate. It's is very simple. If I hurt someone and change the course of their life, most likely negatively in this case, I owe that person restitution and an apology. I feel this is a good way to lead one's life.

I think you fear facing the consequences of what you have done. I would too. But, the advice, IMO, to own this and inform the guy so he can decide what to do is valid. You are looking for ways to discount it because you are afraid. I get that.

[samprez]

Ok, answers to questions. The kids involved at 3, 7, 9, 10 and 11. I have 2 she has 3.

 

Reggie, I think you're looking at this wrong. I wronged my W and my family. She wronged her H and her family. If the time comes for he and I to chat, I will stand up and be accounted for. Right now, I'm trying to focus on saving my marriage and making my W trust me again. If I speak with H now, I really do run the risk of a many things happening. The reality of this is that no matter how sanctomonious either of want to be, NO CONTACT between our families is a good idea. Ultimately, if I end up in a conversation with him, I'll deal with it.

 

I don't appreciate the concept that you are suggesting that by avoiding this discussion with him I'm afraid. Afraid of what? I have 3 primary choices left in my life. Life with my W. Life without my W and with OW, or life without W and without OW. I'm working on option 1. If I speak with him this will not end up good for anyone involved. I'm sorry, but this isn't about being afraid. I'm not easily frightened. My therapist is amazed at how much I'm on control when we speak and noted specifically last week that I'm most definitely not afraid. I've made my bed and now I'm sleeping in it.

 

Why are you so zealous about this route?

[jj33]

Samprez various people on here are zealous about various things based on their own experiences and the pain that they have felt having been betrayed. You just have to do what is right for you.

[desertmoon]

Hello Samprez! I agree with jj33, I think it is a bad idea to contact the OW's husband, and agree with you...that when the time comes if he wants to talk to you about it, then you will deal with it. BTW, if your wife wants to talk to the OW and the OW does not want to talk to her--you really can't force that issue. Yes, right now, you just focus on fixing your marriage and leave the OW alone. I think your wife is really generous..

 

On your original question on whether the OW's husband is connecting the dots...well..maybe he is, maybe he chooses not to...while it makes sense that you are worried about it now, there is nothing you can do to really know what is going on in that marriage or stories the OW is telling her husband. But it is good to worry about the H's reaction, no? it makes you human plus it comes with being in an illicit relationship.

[whichwayisup]

The kids involved at 3, 7, 9, 10 and 11. I have 2 she has 3.

 

So you and your wife don't have children together? You have 2 and your wife has 3 both from previous marriages? Or are you including the OW's children in the list? Not sure who "she" is ..

[Reggie]

Ok, answers to questions. The kids involved at 3, 7, 9, 10 and 11. I have 2 she has 3.

 

Reggie, I think you're looking at this wrong. I wronged my W and my family. She wronged her H and her family. If the time comes for he and I to chat, I will stand up and be accounted for. Right now, I'm trying to focus on saving my marriage and making my W trust me again. If I speak with H now, I really do run the risk of a many things happening. The reality of this is that no matter how sanctomonious either of want to be, NO CONTACT between our families is a good idea. Ultimately, if I end up in a conversation with him, I'll deal with it.

 

I don't appreciate the concept that you are suggesting that by avoiding this discussion with him I'm afraid. Afraid of what? I have 3 primary choices left in my life. Life with my W. Life without my W and with OW, or life without W and without OW. I'm working on option 1. If I speak with him this will not end up good for anyone involved. I'm sorry, but this isn't about being afraid. I'm not easily frightened. My therapist is amazed at how much I'm on control when we speak and noted specifically last week that I'm most definitely not afraid. I've made my bed and now I'm sleeping in it.

 

Why are you so zealous about this route?

 

I guess because it strikes me as the right thing to do.

Look, you have some smarts. You know that the concepts of having wronged your W , as well as the other guy are not mutually exclusive.

 

How do you see contact with the other guyas threatening your attempt to reconcile with your wife? I could see how continued contact with the OW would threaten it. But, how do you feel your reconciliation is jeopordized by telling this guy what happened. How does merely letting him know what went on behind his back interfere with you reconciling? In fact, it helps, as now there are two pairs of eues, your W's and his, watching to make sure there is no relapse.

[jwi71]

If I haven't said it before....

 

STOP worrying about the OW, her H and her family. Your priority is YOUR W, YOUR kids and YOUR family. Instead of coming here and asking "what ifs" concerning HER family, you should putting that energy into YOUR family while you still can.

 

In all honesty the numbers are NOT good that your M will survive. Especially with your traveling. YOU need to pour every bit of energy you have into saving YOUR M.

 

Forget the OW.

Forget her kids.

Forget her H.

 

THEY are NOT your concern.

 

Do NOT seek them out. If HE contacts you, then answer honestly. I WOULD not EVER meet him in person - its too risky. You may be bigger and tougher but a 6 inch steak knife in your chest pretty much negates that. There is a very real chance of physical violence and even if you beat him to him to a pulp...I hope your W pays your bail and your defense fees for the assault charge. And I hope your boss understands why you missed a day or two of work - being in jail for assault. So much to lose and so little to gain...called downside risk. And THIS has way too much downside risk.

 

If your W has a need to contact HER, allow it. And I hope you have been 100% honest because any discrepancy will move you ten fold further from saving your M. I would NOT recommend allow the two women to meet either.

 

You CAN have it all back but you focus on HOME.