NatoPMT Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 I just joined today, and although i told my ex last night that i couldnt speak to him while he got the 'space' he needed (which is actually leaving London to live in America - permanent or temp) i was actually feeling like we could sort it out later in the day when we have both got over thepain of us breaking up. he said he was optimistic about our future and felt we werent yet 'done' - i asked if that was the standard line that was given at the end of a relationship, and he said that i should know he was different and that he wouldnt say it if he didnt mean it. after reading all these posts - it is the standard line - clearly. and we arent any different to any other of you guys going through the exact same thing. i have been sat here reading through everything everyone says - and at least 5 posts have made me cry with empathy for their situation, and the sheer realisation that none of us are different. we are all desperate to hear someone tell us that our unrequited love will become requited again and that it does happen, people DO change their minds. so why does it happen so rarely? what are we doing wrong? what is the holy grail of making the suggestion of talking again at a later date and forgiving turn into reality? there must be someone here that its happened to - surely? we all have one thing in common - that we have been so hurt that we have searched the internet for answers. in that case, we all have a similar frame of mind that has led us here. if you are able to be convinced to go back to your ex then you probably dont want to go back to someone whose feelings you are responsible for. this is our choice to feel this way - noone has done this to us, we are doing it to ourselves, its our decision to be pulled behind in the wake of another. Mat, my ex boyfriend says that he wants me accept the future whether he is in it or not, and be happy with whatever falls in my lap - except its not fallen there, i have let this happen. i dont want to take anyones feelings away from them, i am talking myself through the next step in being happy. and being able to be happy with someone else - although right now, his wonderful generous warmth is the only thing i could ever imagine being near. i have lost my incredible, beautiful boyfriend but theres a purity in this pain, its there for a reason. can i be masochistic enough to enjoy feeling as alive as i feel? even if the pain is making me feel alive, not the love and closeness i crave? i am in pain - but we have to make this about ourselves - not transfering the reasons for my pain to Mat - i have so often suppressed feelings, running from one person to the next giving myself no time to grieve - the pain is easier to bear when you can focus on someone else. i am going to revel in this pain - it means there is liberation ahead. when the feelings subside, will there be too much under the bridge for me to move forward with mat? i just dont know, and thats assuming that he will still feel for me. oh god i hope so much he does. can someone give me some inspiration? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 what is the holy grail of making the suggestion of talking again at a later date and forgiving turn into reality? It lies somewhere between the land of 'being able to heal the hurt' and the depths of the lake in which 'I should never have given up a good thing'. If the person in question can manage to traverse the landscape, then he might be able to dive back into the lake. Unfortunately, people can have such a huge wall built to keep out the hurt that they can't get to the land, and will certainly never make it to the lake. It happens sometimes, but rarely, that people can overcome all the obstacles and rebuild what was lost. I'd not lay good money on it, though In my last relationship, I tried very hard to overcome the hurt I'd had but I failed. It had extinguished the love and, try as I might, I couldn't restart the spark. there must be someone here that its happened to - surely? I doubt there's anyone it hasn't happened to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NatoPMT Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 he has tried to respark the feelings, we tried so hard for about 6 weeks and he finally decided his feelings had changed and he had to go - he even said he didnt realise he had it in him to try so hard. but we couldnt do it - and he had to leave. he still said afterwards theres a chance for us, and to stay positive, i am so cponfused, i know hes right in saying i should be accepting of whatever happens to us but i am so confused, i know his way of thinking is right, but i dont know how to do it. do i become accepting of the fact its over and then be optimistic about my life without him, or do i choose to believe that we can work it out and be happy for his new life in the meantime? does that mean i am denying myself the grief? i keep changing my mind. i said i couldnt be happy for him yet & couldnt talk to him until i was over him and he was sad but said that was my choice. am i trying to be something i am not or is it achieveable? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 What a wretched ride. The Rollercoaster of Grief. You're hopeful, then you despair, mostly you're confused, then numb, then hurt. Fact is, nobody can think clearly, much less make plans, in such a state - but you badly want a plan so you have a straw to cling to as you're pitching off the cliff. You have to roll with this a bit. It is miserable, for sure. One minute you think you've got it licked and the next minute it knocks you flat on your butt. Your head and heart are trying to process the emotions and they are in high gear. Is there something you usually do to self-comfort? (hopefully, something non-self-destructive). I used to turn on TV and shut off brain. When I felt particularly dreadful, I'd watch Jerry Springer - nobody can feel their life is worse than that of the people on that show! Other times, it would be comedy. I know it's really hard but try to distract yourself somehow. This ride is unlikely to stop for days, if not weeks, and you'll be exhausted if you let it drag you along the whole time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NatoPMT Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 thanks x Link to post Share on other sites
Helly Posted October 2, 2003 Share Posted October 2, 2003 Hi BB - I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday too and, just like you, I'm feeling confused -tearful, hopeful, tearful, hopeful then tearful again. We're both in London (I'm down in south London) and I'll think of you this weekend as I hide under the duvet, watching the Eastenders omnibus or whatever other rubbish is on telly. Things will get better. We're in a city full of amazing people - I'm sure we'll both find a new beautiful boy. We'll get thru this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NatoPMT Posted October 2, 2003 Author Share Posted October 2, 2003 oh darlin, i'm sorry. i'll pm you my email in case you want to get anything off your chest over the weekend, i am so not looking forawrd to it. youre right, we will get through it, am still at the stage where i dont WANT to get over it - but i am getting flashes of what its going to be like when i can properly enjoy myself. just got to ride the feelings in the meantime. stupid feelings. stupid meantime. x Link to post Share on other sites
xyz_212 Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 hi - my boyfriend wanted space - after dating for 4 years he said he know im the one and that he just needs to be on his own for a while and that its not fair to me to stay together. we both lived in chicago. i have been wanting to move for a while and was waiting for him to finish a commitment to his job so we could move to a new city. so - since he wanted many months off , i decided that i would take care of myself and move to ny. he went as far as telling me when he is ready that he wouold move to new york to be with me and 'start our future' together.. i have been in ny for a month and its hard for me to accept that we are not together right now... its even harder for me to have this expectation in my head that he is really going to move here. because i know i shouldnt depend on it. i feel like he has me on a string. funny thing his name is MAT (with one T as well) crazy. anyways.. we were trying to keep in touch but i couldnt handle it on my end. i was crying on teh phone everytime we talked and was confusing myself.. i still felt like we were together and i was putting too many expectations on him. so i guess im replying to you to 1) share my story and agree with you that we are all the same.. these boards really help me. and 2) let you know that i think its ok to hope we arent over and that we could end up having a happy healthy "2nd" chance at our relationship.. but in the meantime we need to make OURSELVE happy and not let our descions have anything to do with "the what if" ... is he going to come back, should i contact him etc etc... i am a strong believer of what is meant to be - will be.. some people think thats a silly thought... it helps me though. take care.. Link to post Share on other sites
nygeneral Posted November 14, 2003 Share Posted November 14, 2003 I agree with my fellow New Yorker. This site has been very helpful. I only wish that i found it a lot sooner. I went through the initial stages of denial and false hope without any help. Know that it will get better, even though it doesn't seem that way now. Some days you will wake up and feel like you made a lot of progess and then some days you will feel like you have made no progress at all. But eventually you learn to accept that it is over and that's when you finally begin to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
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