Yes my friends, they do come back sometimes...

[kizik]

And those who do better themselves don't stick around.

 

Not necessarily. I've made some vast improvements over the last 9+ months, but I'm still here. It's just that instead of asking for help, nowadays I usually try to help. Some people appreciate it, and some don't. You know who you are

[2sunny]

i still say - don't bother. it would likely cause MORE problems at work if it didn't work out the second time too. just stay interested in the ones you have going now.

 

and the shallow water in Cali? yah!!! you're just now noticing? we live in one of the most plastic and fake areas in the US.

 

for a gal to marry a guy just because he bought her a BIG ring doesn't surprise me at all. look at all the intelligent men that date or marry a gal here based on FAKE beauty but no brains.

 

sometimes, it's more fun to be happy without that partner instead of all the pretentiousness that so prevalent here.

[Trialbyfire]

Mustain, pride and ego isn't going to keep you warm at night. If you honestly care enough about someone, it's not going to be your main driver. This doesn't mean begging. It means throwing your vulnerability onto the table and if the other person doesn't appreciate it, frack 'em.

 

I'm not saying that it's the thing to do for each and every situation. I'm doing the comparison of where that person is prioritized v. pride/ego.

 

Okay, I'm going to throw out the question in a different way:

 

Is your vanity/self-protection more important than the potential for a second chance?

 

If the answer is yes, it's more important, then you have to say to yourself that it's time to move on. If the answer is no, you would already have resolved your differences, whether it's previous to break up or since break up.

[Mustain2234]

Mustain, pride and ego isn't going to keep you warm at night. If you honestly care enough about someone, it's not going to be your main driver. This doesn't mean begging. It means throwing your vulnerability onto the table and if the other person doesn't appreciate it, frack 'em.

 

Shouldn't this also be applied to the dumper? Assuming the idea is basically the same, that if you like someone enough you should throw aside the fear of rejection/ego/vanity/etc -- whether dumper or dumpee -- shouldn't it still be favored in the direction of the person who initiated the breakup?

 

I'm willing to compromise my ego and self worth at her expense, as I've proven numerous occassions doing things on her terms. I just can't get past this idea that I have to make myself vulnerable; not knowing how she'll react. I already made myself vulnerable the one night we met in January, where, after kissing repeatedly through the night, I told her I "missed her" and several variations of that. Probably came off as needy. And then before she walked away from my car I attempted to kiss her on the lips, but she expected a cheek kiss and had to move her face back to catch me. After this night, we didn't talk for 22 days. I gave enough signals to her that I would be interested in something more after the night and she obviously didn't see it the same. At this point I realized the only person who is going to change her mind is her. Intimate contact had been the frontier we never crossed after the breakout, and once we did -- and nothing changed -- it further cemented the idea that this whole second chance game should be controlled by the dumper.

[Trialbyfire]

Shouldn't this also be applied to the dumper? Assuming the idea is basically the same, that if you like someone enough you should throw aside the fear of rejection/ego/vanity/etc -- whether dumper or dumpee -- shouldn't it still be favored in the direction of the person who initiated the breakup?

It's most definitely applicable on both sides! If both of you wanted it to happen bad enough, it wouldn't have reached the stage of break up.

 

Overall, you can't control her wants, you can only control yourself. So...ask yourself, is this worth it?

 

In Caliguy's situation, she's doing the approaching and he's holding back, due to concern about her abilities to remain true. But...it's also his pride/ego that's holding him back. So...what does he value more?

 

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with having pride/ego. But...you'd best decide which is more important and go with it. That's part of how I evaluate my relationships.

 

Do I value my pride/ego/self-protection more or will I lay it on the table? If I do the latter and the other person isn't willing, then it's time to move on, same as if I value the former over the latter.

[CaliGuy]

Lot's to answer here.....

 

I know the feeling.

 

If you do decide to let her back in your life (make sure she works for it..) then I would recommend keeping one foot out the door and keeping your "basket" full. That way if it doesn't work out you can bounce back quickly.

 

Just out of curiosity what has she been doing that has given you the above impression?

 

A: I already told her in plain English "You want me? Work for it..."

B: I'm way ahead of you on the basket full situation. I am CONTINUINING to date and have fun. I like having options as much as anyone else.

 

You mentioned faith. Well I'm a proponent of couples counseling. I think if someone did you wrong and really wants to try to reconcile it's important to get a neutral third party so you can discuss the past, present and future. That's a close to reassurances that you might ever get. Good luck.

 

Yeah that would definitely be on the bill if we ever got back together. Again, she's going to have to work for it. In the meantime, I'm going play the field and see where the balls end up (no pun intended, lol).

 

I'm going to throw out something which might offend but is also something to consider within yourselves.

 

IF it's now all about pride and ego, did you honestly care enough in the first place?

 

That would be a negative, Ghostrider....

 

Everyone here is right. She has no clue what she wants. Sounds like playing with fire. The best advice I can give is to get strength by re-reading your own posts.

 

I'm doing that now. Not sure she's 100% aware of the fact that my life isn't being put on hold whole she figures her crap out. I think she'll get the clue though as I haven't been making attempts to contact her. I did make it clear she is the one who decided to leave and that SHE has to work to earn me back. I'm not doing the work. I've been there, done that. She has to prove that she's worthy of me AND regain my trust. Both will be a difficult, uphill battle for her.

 

i still say - don't bother. it would likely cause MORE problems at work if it didn't work out the second time too. just stay interested in the ones you have going now.

 

and the shallow water in Cali? yah!!! you're just now noticing? we live in one of the most plastic and fake areas in the US.

 

for a gal to marry a guy just because he bought her a BIG ring doesn't surprise me at all. look at all the intelligent men that date or marry a gal here based on FAKE beauty but no brains.

 

sometimes, it's more fun to be happy without that partner instead of all the pretentiousness that so prevalent here.

 

Agreed. If all it took for her was a ring to make her happy, that marriage won't last. Any woman who measures me by the size of my wallet and not my heart is not someone I would care to be with anyway Notice I wasn't hung up on her either. As beautiful as she was, at least I heeded the red flags and moved on without any emotional investment.

 

It's most definitely applicable on both sides! If both of you wanted it to happen bad enough, it wouldn't have reached the stage of break up.

 

Overall, you can't control her wants, you can only control yourself. So...ask yourself, is this worth it?

 

In Caliguy's situation, she's doing the approaching and he's holding back, due to concern about her abilities to remain true. But...it's also his pride/ego that's holding him back. So...what does he value more?

 

Don't get me wrong. There's nothing wrong with having pride/ego. But...you'd best decide which is more important and go with it. That's part of how I evaluate my relationships.

 

Do I value my pride/ego/self-protection more or will I lay it on the table? If I do the latter and the other person isn't willing, then it's time to move on, same as if I value the former over the latter.

 

I don't know that it's pride or ego. It's more about "self-preservation" in my case. Do I open my heart up again and allow it to be battered and bruised by the same person or do I move on and give someone else a chance? That's really where I am not. It's not that I am prideful (if I was, I wouldn't even be considering a second chance). And it's not really about ego. I'm not bragging about it to everyone. In fact, NOBODY knows except you good folks. So pride or ego isn't really playing a part.

 

Self-preservation is really what's driving my hesitation to let her in the door.

[Trialbyfire]

That would be a negative, Ghostrider....

I don't know that it's pride or ego. It's more about "self-preservation" in my case. Do I open my heart up again and allow it to be battered and bruised by the same person or do I move on and give someone else a chance? That's really where I am not. It's not that I am prideful (if I was, I wouldn't even be considering a second chance). And it's not really about ego. I'm not bragging about it to everyone. In fact, NOBODY knows except you good folks. So pride or ego isn't really playing a part.

 

Self-preservation is really what's driving my hesitation to let her in the door.

So what's more important, the potential for a second chance or your personal need for self-preservation?

 

Weigh it, Cali!

 

Btw, my personal take on your ex...flaky...

[carhill]

Hey, OP, I just started getting angina. Hope that isn't bad news for you

[CaliGuy]

 

So what's more important, the potential for a second chance or your personal need for self-preservation?

 

Weigh it, Cali!

 

Btw, my personal take on your ex...flaky...

 

Aren't all exs flaky? I mean think about it. If they weren't they'd at least communicate or work through issues before deciding to take the easy way out. That's my take on it at least.

 

As far as the second chance itself goes, like I said, I have fires burning EVERYWHERE, muahaha. Life is good. I have options. I'm in no way desperate to be loved and I'm getting plenty of attention from beautiful, intelligent and well balanced women.

 

There's still some attraction there but it's not the level it used to be. I see her with more "clear" vision and, most importantly, I see what she is capable of. That in and of itself is good enough to keep myself at arms length...

[CaliGuy]

Hey, OP, I just started getting angina. Hope that isn't bad news for you

 

Angina?! That sounds like the word that starts with a V and I don't mean valentine's hahaha.

[northstar1]

Aren't all exs flaky? I mean think about it. If they weren't they'd at least communicate or work through issues before deciding to take the easy way out. That's my take on it at least.

 

As far as the second chance itself goes, like I said, I have fires burning EVERYWHERE, muahaha. Life is good. I have options. I'm in no way desperate to be loved and I'm getting plenty of attention from beautiful, intelligent and well balanced women.

 

There's still some attraction there but it's not the level it used to be. I see her with more "clear" vision and, most importantly, I see what she is capable of. That in and of itself is good enough to keep myself at arms length...

 

I think you need to figure out first and foremost why you'd want to get back with her in the first place.

 

From your own admission you have forest fires burning all over the state, so why even entertain getting back with a girl whose nearly 15 years your junior? I mean, other than faith, what do you have in common in your lives that you can see a long lasting future?

[trueblue72ny]

Hmmmm..... I have been wondering what is up with your ex at work. You know my situation is almost the same having an ex at work.

 

Hmmm hmmm hmmmmm well tread carefully my friend. she has done it at least once before and she can do it again. keep an arms length for awhile. make her work for it. you know what 100% feels like!

[CaliGuy]

I think you need to figure out first and foremost why you'd want to get back with her in the first place.

 

From your own admission you have forest fires burning all over the state, so why even entertain getting back with a girl whose nearly 15 years your junior? I mean, other than faith, what do you have in common in your lives that you can see a long lasting future?

 

Our relationship had been built upon similar beliefs in our faith. That doesn’t just go away and she admits, that's been burning at her. She knows the things that we had shared she will have a hard time duplicating with someone else. She let the whirlwind of someone new sweep her off her feet.

 

Now she is experiencing the hangover. I am am apt to let her wallow around in her own crapulence for as long as I deem necessary. Again, I never said I would take her back. I am simply contemplating the thought.

 

Hmmmm..... I have been wondering what is up with your ex at work. You know my situation is almost the same having an ex at work.

 

Hmmm hmmm hmmmmm well tread carefully my friend. she has done it at least once before and she can do it again. keep an arms length for awhile. make her work for it. you know what 100% feels like!

 

Yep I do. I thought I had explained that clearly. She has to literally, not figuratively, beat my door down. The way Fox's ex did (though there was no cheating involved with us). If she ever gets to the point, I'll consider how I feel and react appropriately.

 

Again, I have MANY options. She is only one and right now, to be honest, she's on the bottom rung of the totem pole (As well she should be). There are other women out there that deserve a first chance before she gets her second. We'll see what life has to offer.

 

Cheers mate. Keep your chin up!

[wowIlose]

CG, what has she done in terms of wanting you back so far?

[CaliGuy]

CG, what has she done in terms of wanting you back so far?

 

Well the most recent one was yesterday where she admitted to making a mistake and that the person she is with now she was blind to his faults.

 

Over the course of the last three months she's been dropping hints here and there. She has admitted to wanting me back for some time.

 

My issue with her is simply that she hasn't really proven by actions. She's only said WORDS. And words mean nothing to me. Love is proven only by actions.

 

Until she shows up literally beating my door down, she's going to stay on the bottom rung of the ladder

[MeMyself&I]

Until she shows up literally beating my door down, she's going to stay on the bottom rung of the ladder

 

OK, I totally understand your feeling this way, but would this really work?? I mean if I did this my ex would think I was a crazy b***h and tell all our friends I needed to be committed. Maybe it depends on the relationship's past dynamics as my ex would run as fast and as far as he could at any sign of neediness or desperation (of course needy for him was to ask for a kleenex) lol.

 

Of course, maybe if I waited a while and hadn't had contact for a while it wouldn't seem as desperate. I'm not saying a dumper shoudn't be assertive and be making an extreme effort.....I just wonder if "literally beating" someone's door down would work and if most dumpers wouldn't feel like I said that that would make them look desperate and push their ex away. You, of course, know better than anyone else what you need from your ex to show she cares and genuinely wants you back....so I'm not trying to undermine your feelings. Would her crawling on her knees make it appear she wanted you back or would she just look pathetic??

 

I don't know just throwing this out there. I've been following your thread and each time you've said she needs to "literally beat down my door" I've wondered this. So now I got brave or "stupid" enough to post it . ha, ha.

 

I hope you receive the resolution in this that you want. You seem like a great guy and deserve it.

[trueblue72ny]

I say, have some fun with it! She has to putsome extra frosting on the cake to make it look sweeter this time around. thats the least she can do.

[2sunny]

Well the most recent one was yesterday where she admitted to making a mistake and that the person she is with now she was blind to his faults.

 

Over the course of the last three months she's been dropping hints here and there. She has admitted to wanting me back for some time.

 

My issue with her is simply that she hasn't really proven by actions. She's only said WORDS. And words mean nothing to me. Love is proven only by actions.

 

Until she shows up literally beating my door down, she's going to stay on the bottom rung of the ladder

 

i agree her words mean nothing! she could be a gal looking for an ego stroke by seeing if you would bite.

 

has she broken up with the other guy? if not, bad-bad-bad! just means she would pursue another man down the road while seeing you.

 

and what makes you think she is to be trusted? her ACTIONS seem to say that she looks for any guy that will pay attention while she's seeing someone else. not good!

[trueblue72ny]

good point 2sunny.

 

if she is willing to put the energy in the relationship through her ACTIONS for a sustained period of time, than i would say he's got something.

 

in the meantime i would just feed her some breadcrumbs, some scraps of affection as one could call it, to see where it leads.... ((i know that sounds evil a little 'eh?? i must be in my angry phase!! ))

[CaliGuy]

Would her crawling on her knees make it appear she wanted you back or would she just look pathetic??

 

I don't know just throwing this out there. I've been following your thread and each time you've said she needs to "literally beat down my door" I've wondered this. So now I got brave or "stupid" enough to post it . ha, ha.

 

I hope you receive the resolution in this that you want. You seem like a great guy and deserve it.

 

Haha, thanks. I guess my point is, she is the one that decided to walk. It's MY love and devotion she has to earn back. Talking about it incessantly does nothing for me. Actions speak louder than words. Until then, it's all hot air. She's talked about it a lot but I don't see her making any moves. Nothing that would indicate in her heart she means what she says.

 

Until that happens, there's nothing to really contemplate. I'm moving along, dating, having a GREAT freaking time and enjoying life.

 

Thanks for the compliment

 

I say, have some fun with it! She has to putsome extra frosting on the cake to make it look sweeter this time around. thats the least she can do.

 

That would mean she's serious, at least to me. In the meantime, blah. Talk, talk, talk. As my mom used to say "Poop or get off the damn pot!"

 

i agree her words mean nothing! she could be a gal looking for an ego stroke by seeing if you would bite.

 

has she broken up with the other guy? if not, bad-bad-bad! just means she would pursue another man down the road while seeing you.

 

and what makes you think she is to be trusted? her ACTIONS seem to say that she looks for any guy that will pay attention while she's seeing someone else. not good!

 

Nope. She has not broken it off with the other guy. She has told me numerous times she has been thinking about it. I told her "Well you aren't beating my door down nor are your actions following your words, so I don't believe you are sincere." That's where I left things.

 

Like I keep saying: Actions....actions.....actions not words (Thank you, Def Leppard).

 

good point 2sunny.

 

if she is willing to put the energy in the relationship through her ACTIONS for a sustained period of time, than i would say he's got something.

 

in the meantime i would just feed her some breadcrumbs, some scraps of affection as one could call it, to see where it leads.... ((i know that sounds evil a little 'eh?? i must be in my angry phase!! ))

 

Nah you're dead on. She's been tossing out lines and I've given her little tid bits to hold on to. I'm not taking the bait, at least not until she's earned her keep. Until then, like I said, life is beautiful and I'm enjoying all the attention I am getting from OTHER women.

 

She can sit and stew for all I care right now. Words mean nothing to me now....just actions.

[foxh1234]

Thanks Fox. I know our situations were slightly different, but your advice is still awesome just the same. How are YOU doing? Any hot dates?

 

 

Hey man, no prob. No really hot dates but I have been on a few average ones, lol. I figure the more dates I go on the better chance to find a keeper. Glad to hear your doing well. Tread lightly with this one. Good luck man

[Chrome Barracuda]

Didnt I tell you a Looooooong time ago to stay away from this woman???

 

LOL.

 

P.S. : im back!

[CaliGuy]

Hey man, no prob. No really hot dates but I have been on a few average ones, lol. I figure the more dates I go on the better chance to find a keeper. Glad to hear your doing well. Tread lightly with this one. Good luck man

 

That's the right attitude man Keep your chin up. Life does get MUCH better.

 

Didnt I tell you a Looooooong time ago to stay away from this woman???

 

I have, lol. I haven't done any chasing. I pretty much have minded my own business and lived my life. I know what she is missing in her life. I warned her about that some time ago but it fell on deaf ears.

 

We'll see what happens. Like I said, I am not in any way going to force anything or make much of an effort. If she wnats me, she has to beat the door down.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Good the force is strong with this one!

[wowIlose]

Just a theory...

 

Perhaps shes feeling like your denying her advances(her words.. her telling you is an action of sorts.. ) and feels that since your already basically cutting her she may feel like the more she puts herself out there the less likely your going to want to be with her. Women know that being clingy and needy is the wrong thing to do and lets face it, her knocking down your door literally or metaphorically is going to come of needy and thats not very attractive for either sex.

 

Why not let her in and let her prove to you by action that she deserves to stick around if after lets say 1 month you feel she hasn't changes or you sense that its not leading anywhere but to the same result then you can cut her from your life. Meanwhile you can have some sex

 

Just something to ponder..