Caught Wife of 5 Years Cheating a few days before Valentine's Day

[LakesideDream]

But, yet, your MW sharing her body with her husband doesn't destroy your desire?

 

 

Interesting question, the answer is no. The two were quite different things. I was married to a woman for 25 years, sex was never a problem in the marriage. We made certain promises and I kept them, and believed she did to (my ignorance or maybe just blindness).

 

With the MW the relationship started with "baggage" a set of circumstances in place. I had no right, or reason to expect otherwise. Other than the usual platitudes the subject of her sleeping with her husband didn't come up, it wasn't worth raising.

 

Thanks for bringing it up, I'd never actually thought about the subject before.

[Owl]

So the real question is...

 

MrSmith, what are you hoping to hear, while you're here on LS? What kind of "support" are you seeking?

 

For that matter...what do you want to happen in your situation? Do you want the cheating to stop? Do you intend to swing? What, exactly, are you looking for overall?

 

I don't think there's much anyone here can do to "help" you until you answer those questions...both for yourself, and for us.

[taylor]

it is normal for many men to underestimate there wives sexuality, hence the turn-on in finding out that she has a more sensual side.

 

Sorry for the thread h/j but this statement really made me wonder.

 

If it is a true statement, WHY? Why do husbands underestimate their wive's sexuality? Why is it "normal." Surely, when they married their wives they didn't go into the marriage underestimating their wives sexuality. On the contrary, they probably looked forward to endless nights of intense passion, convinced the honeymoon stage would never end.

 

This man said his wife was very conservative sexually. Did he marry her, drawn to her conservative sexual nature? Or did his perspective of his wife change over time, ie., hot girlfriend to conservative wife. And if so, why the change in perspective.

 

It's a possibility he got turned on FINDING OUT that she was more sensual than he thought? HELLO? Where has he been? Shouldn't he have been the one in the bedroom exploring just how sensual his wife could be? Shouldn't he KNOW how sensual his wife can be? It takes another man to show this husband how sensual his wife is?

 

One more comment...I read so much on this forum about women being used by men (MM/OM) and how wives "give it up" for these men. ForumFool posted that the OP here "declared her vagina an amusement park for anyone willing to have a shot at it." All of these views give the impression that the woman is GIVING something to these men. Does anyone stop to consider that these women aren't GIVING, so much as they are GETTING something they want...something they went after...that the guy is "giving IT up" to them.

 

Sometimes I don't understand this way of thinking. It assumes women are naive, gullible and submissive. This just isn't true. I think sometimes men

just want to believe this because it makes it easier to handle the betrayal.

 

Women who cheat aren't being used. They are going after what they want. Just like the WS in this thread who buys new clothes, puts on her makeup, and starts going out more. She is after something and she knows how to get it.

 

And I don't understand why men view women as "giving it up" or "allowing" a man to have sex with her...as if the man is doing the taking and the woman is doing the giving. Women who are attracted to a man don't think that way. If a woman wants to have sex with a man, she will take steps to attract him and find ways to arouse him sexually, and then she will take what she is after.

 

She doesn't give up the vagina...she takes the penis that she desires.

 

She doesn't spread her legs for HIM, she spreads her legs for HERSELF...to satisfy her own desires...not to satisfy his.

 

If a woman enters a PA with a man, she doesn't do it because she has this uncontrollable desire to satisfy the man. She does it to satisfy herself and her own burning desires. She doesn't give up anything. She takes what she wants.

 

So many betrayed men on this forum are outraged that their WW defiled their bodies by "giving up" their vaginas to another man. HOWEVER, shouldn't they be even MORE outraged and upset that their wives WANTED/DESIRED another penis, took steps to get it, and then TOOK it when they got the chance?

 

In other words, if my husband had cheated on me, it would have bothered me more that he wanted/desired another woman's vagina and took steps to get it, than that he defiled his body by letting a woman touch and use his penis for her sexual gratification.

 

 

Does this make any sense to anyone else?

[MrSmith]

Thanks to all of you for your advice.

 

I have googled the term "cuckold" and have been onto many sites with some of them being quite informative, it's good to know that there is others out there who feel like i do and that there are sites dedicated to it.

 

Although all of this has reignited a spark in how i feel for her sexually, it has been reignited on grounds of cheating and lying which both of us are guilty of, her cheating and my lying or not being honest with her as to my feelings. And although i am aroused by this i am also angered by the decite.

 

I have decided to take your advice and tell her i know about her cheating and about how it arouses me, but i'm not going to do it until the weekend so that i can talk openly with her without the interuption of work. What i really want to know is what did i do that caused her to cheat on me.

 

And no i have never suffered from any STD's.

[MrSmith]

Taylor i just read your reply and would like to thank you for it. It gives me a different insight as to what could be going on inside her mind that is causing her to cheat.

 

Owl and others i have no interest in being with other women or swinging and never have.

[Dexter Morgan]

What i really want to know is what did i do that caused her to cheat on me..

 

There is NEVER a reason or anything you did to CAUSE her to cheat on you. That is her own lousy character flaw.

 

But you seem willing to live with that character flaw since it gives you a boner. Good luck with that.

[MrSmith]

Dexter,

 

Since when did loving your wife unconditionaly ever become a chacter flaw.

[lostsoulmate]

MrSmith,

 

Good luck with your situation! I wish you the best!

 

P.S. I didn't mean to offend you about the swinging thing. I realize that I am very open minded and I hoped by added that post it would make posters being a little more open minded to your situation. Sorry if I did offend, not my intent.

[2sunny]

Dexter,

 

Since when did loving your wife unconditionaly ever become a chacter flaw.

 

i think he was stating that her cheating is not YOUR character flaw - it is soley HERS!!!

 

your willingness to overlook such a huge character flaw and stay with her only shows me that you have very liberal "boundaries" for decency and that demand for the peeps around you to have decency in their life too.

 

if you don't have that for yourself by wanted it from the ones you love - how could you expect that they will follow YOUR guideline? soooo, in other words - when we expect nothing - we get nothing! she is giving you no decency or respect because you don't expect it for yourself or others.

 

where's your boundary man? i don't think you have one... huge problem. start somewhere.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter,

 

Since when did loving your wife unconditionaly ever become a chacter flaw.

 

I didn't say loving your wife unconditionally was a character flaw.

 

I said cheating was.

 

You can love your wife unconditionally till the day you die....so stop complaining about cheating.....your love is unconditional....meaning she can do what she wants.

 

At least thats the logic behind "unconditional love".

 

If she stabs you with a knife...remember, your love is unconditional

 

If she continues to cheat...remember, your love is unconditional

 

If she were to tell your friends and family you are horrible at sex...remember, your love is unconditional

 

If she brings a guy home while you are watching football, and makes sure you see them stripping down for a good romp...remember, your love is unconditional

 

See the point here? If you love your wife unconditionally....then no matter what the "condition", you have to be true to your belief....right?

[taylor]

Taylor i just read your reply and would like to thank you for it. It gives me a different insight as to what could be going on inside her mind that is causing her to cheat.

 

Owl and others i have no interest in being with other women or swinging and never have.

 

Mr. Smith,

 

You made a wise decision to sit down with your wife and talk to her openly and honestly about everything.

 

You will not know what is inside her head until you do.

 

Know this, though. You did not cause her to cheat. You did nothing wrong.

 

BS have a tendency to put the blame on themselves. DON't DO IT.

 

More than likely, your wife cheated because of something going on inside of her...something she feels she needs or feels she is missing. She's unhappy with herself and chose to enter these affairs, thinking they would solve her problem or bring her some kind of happiness. But affairs are never the solution. They are wrong and misguided and only add to the problem.

 

When you talk with her, keep the conversation focused on her..her feelings..her issues...her choices...her actions. Do not let her turn it around on you. Her cheating was of her own doing. You had nothing to do with that choice.

 

When I first read your post about being sexually aroused by seeing your wife with other men, I thought, "This is sick."

 

But after thinking on it for awhile, I can understand it.

 

We women are very sexual beings. We learn at a very early age how to attract the opposite sex by our looks and our behavior.

 

But somehow, after we marry, that sexual side can get buried under piles of laundry and dirty dishes and diapers. We can stop thinking of ourselves as sexual beings. And we can set ourselves up to be perceived as less sexual than we really are deep down inside. We lose sight of the "hot babe" we once were, and you men respond accordingly.

 

And then we wake up one day and realize what we lost...that sex appeal..and we try to get it back. In the meantime, you men may have no clue that we all of a sudden had a sexual reawakening. It can leave you scratching your head wondering who this person is your with.

 

You saw your wife's sexual reawakening in those pictures. You saw her as that "hot desireable babe" you married. And in spite of the fact that she was cheating, you were able to separate that from the fact that you were seeing your wife with new eyes.

 

If I had to guess I would say your wife is looking for some kind of validation of who she is as a woman. The bad thing is she is seeking that validation outside her marriage, rather than with you.

 

Who knows, telling her how aroused she made you, may just be the validation she needs/wants to hear. You may both see each other with new eyes when you talk.

 

Good luck to you.

 

It will be interesting to know what she has to say. Please keep posting.

[Owl]

What do you care about her reasons for cheating, since you're apparently willing to condone it by telling her how much it "pleases" you.

 

You're setting the stage for it to continue...with or without your involvement.

 

Again, I'm curious...what are you hoping to gain from your time here on LS?

[Reggie]

Taylor is exactly right, IMO. I've never understood the concept that a woman is "giving it up". It is obvious that the woman is after sex just as much as any man.

 

Seems it is not just men who change perspective after marriage and view their wives differently. And, I do not neccessarily think it is just due to the workoad and fatigue that men and women stop devoting as much energy toward this area. It's something about the dynmic itself that seems to change. The novelty has worn off, or the spouses now subscribe to some belief that passion has a less important role in marriage.

 

The main problem I see in this particular situation is not that the wife had some sexual reawakening, but that she hid this side of herself from her husband. I don't think it is fair to assume that he did nothing to explore her sensual side. Perhaps she was unwilling to reveal it to him, for whatever reason. With affairs, without the self inflicted inhibitions some folks have in letting loose in marriage, I think it is common for a person to finally reveal this side.

I know for me, my sex life with my XWwas much better before marriage and kids. I expected some drop off due to outside pressures. But, it was like a light switch was thwon and she completely shut down.

[Dexter Morgan]

Owl and others i have no interest in being with other women or swinging and never have.

 

as long as you cling to the idea of "unconditional love", you may not have a choice.

[taylor]

I certainly don't want to put words in Mr. Smith's mouth, but could it be he got aroused at these pictures because he saw his wife in a new light..kind of like...wow, my wife looks like a porn star..hot and desired!"

 

And maybe he just hasn't seen her in that light for a long, long time.

 

Surely, she HAD to show him this sexual side to some degree or he wouldn't have married her. I doubt she hid her sensuality from him while they were dating. And why would she choose to hide it after they married?

 

I still think somewhere along the line it got lost in the shuffle. It just took another man to bring it back out in her...bring it to the forefront.

 

On a personal sidenote:

 

I know the mommy gene was so strong in me for such a long time, that I no longer looked at myself as a sexual, desireable woman. Nor did I even look at another man, let alone have one inkling of desire for another man. It's as if the whole sexual side of me disappeared for a long time.

 

And then I met the OM and for the first time in a very long time, I felt sexually alive again. I felt like a woman...not mommy, not housewife, not daughter, sister, employee, etc. It was an overwhelming feeling. I regret now that I lost that part of me for such a long time. But I am also happy that I can and do share that side of me WITH MY HUSBAND.

[Dexter Morgan]

Surely, she HAD to show him this sexual side to some degree or he wouldn't have married her. I doubt she hid her sensuality from him while they were dating. And why would she choose to hide it after they married?

 

I still think somewhere along the line it got lost in the shuffle. It just took another man to bring it back out in her...bring it to the forefront.

 

 

Gee, you make it sound so beautiful:sick:

 

 

 

On a personal sidenote:

 

I know the mommy gene was so strong in me for such a long time, that I no longer looked at myself as a sexual, desireable woman. Nor did I even look at another man, let alone have one inkling of desire for another man. It's as if the whole sexual side of me disappeared for a long time.

 

And then I met the OM and for the first time in a very long time, I felt sexually alive again. I felt like a woman...not mommy, not housewife, not daughter, sister, employee, etc. It was an overwhelming feeling.

 

And now we know why.

 

 

I regret now that I lost that part of me for such a long time. But I am also happy that I can and do share that side of me WITH MY HUSBAND.

 

So basically your affair was a good thing for your husband??

[taylor]

What do you care about her reasons for cheating, since you're apparently willing to condone it by telling her how much it "pleases" you.

 

You're setting the stage for it to continue...with or without your involvement.

 

Again, I'm curious...what are you hoping to gain from your time here on LS?

 

 

Owl,

 

I don't really think he is pleased with the cheating.

 

I think he is pleased with seeing his wife as a hot babe..sexually desireable and sexually desired.

 

I doubt he condones her cheating.

 

But I think he'd like to see that side of her more often when they have sex together. He likes the sexual side of her he's seeing...not the cheating.

[taylor]

Gee, you make it sound so beautiful:sick:

 

And now we know why.

 

So basically your affair was a good thing for your husband??

 

Dexter,

 

I've said many times on this forum that my EA was a wake-up call for my husband and I to take aggressive action...to deal with the emotional distance between us.

 

While the affair was primarily emotional, there was a sexual aspect to it as well. The OM made me feel like a woman again..pretty and desireable. I'm not going to deny this. And I was attracted to him. I had not felt that kind of attraction..that kind of desire...in years.

 

So, I guess in a way I did have a sexual awakening.

 

But I have been able to use that sexual awakening to BETTER my marriage. My husband and I have more and better sex than we have had since we first got married. He's HAPPY about that. And I cherish the time he gives me. We are like a couple of teenagers. We spent the entire day in bed Sunday...getting up only to go to the bathroom a couple times. Didn't even bother to eat, aside from a few Hershey kisses and some red hot cinnamon hearts.

 

I honestly don't know if my husband and I would have ever reached that point if something didn't give. Do I wish it was an affair that led us to this point? No. But it is what it is.

 

FWIW, sexual fulfillment was not the reason I chose to have an EA. It was the emotional distance/emotional connection. The sexual aspect was secondary.

[Owl]

Owl,

 

I don't really think he is pleased with the cheating.

 

I think he is pleased with seeing his wife as a hot babe..sexually desireable and sexually desired.

 

I doubt he condones her cheating.

 

But I think he'd like to see that side of her more often when they have sex together. He likes the sexual side of her he's seeing...not the cheating.

 

Telling her that he's aroused by what he's seen is doing NOTHING but giving permission for it to continue.

 

 

 

MrSmith...do you want the cheating to stop???

 

THIS is your baseline question that requires an answer before anything else can be done to help your situation.

[65tr6]

My stomach sank when she left, i was hurt, jealous and angry but all these emotions gave way to my growing arousal wondering what she was at, and when she did come home a few hours later i couldn't keep my hands off her.

 

.

I think you got lot of good advice here. Something that struck out for me. You said your wife is very consertive. Let me just say this. I thought my wife was the MOST conservative female on this planet. She would be the last one to ever have an affair. Trust me, if there is ever a contest on who "was" the most conservative WW, my wife will win it hands down....But that is not the point....

 

When women have an affair, all that goes out the window. The emotional bond is too great to hold them back. They will do anything. Well almost. Some of them anyway.

 

With the being said, I am really stunned that you have not confronted your wife about the affair yet. Stop the cheating now. What are you waiting for ? (Come on, dont tell me it is the great sex alone that defines your marriage).

[Chrome Barracuda]

If this guy doesnt have any self respect how will she ever respect him?

 

The longer he waits the more brazen she becomes. This needs to be exposed now!

[Owl]

Here's my confusion...

 

I get that somehow you were aroused by what you saw.

 

I can't imagine being that way myself, but hey...it's possible.

 

The problem is this...if you tell your wife this...you're giving her IMPLIED APPROVAL for her actions.

 

Even if you tell her that you're hurt by what she's done, she's not going to listen to that, because she's going to focus on hearing the positives (FOR HER) in what you've said.

 

Do not give ANY kind of implied (or other) support for her cheating.

 

If you want it to end...focus FIRST on ending it. Confront her with what you've found, take the "normal" steps needed to force the end of the cheating.

 

Maybe...once this has all been worked out, and your marriage is reconciled...you CONSIDER telling her that what you saw had that affect, and you explore these feelings...MAYBE.

 

But don't even think about trying to do so along with trying to force an end to the cheating and attempting to rebuild your marriage from the chaos she's throwing it into.

 

You're going to confuse the issue tremendously...you're going to confuse her with mixed signals...you're going to confuse anyone attempting to help counsel the two of you.

 

Pick ONE path...the rebuilding of the damage done by her cheating...to follow FIRST AND FOREMOST...and only consider those tangents once you've completed that path.

 

Make sense?

[Dexter Morgan]

I honestly don't know if my husband and I would have ever reached that point if something didn't give. Do I wish it was an affair that led us to this point? No. But it is what it is..

 

So you are saying that the affair was good for your marriage.

 

So what if the shoe were on the other foot and he went out and got himself some strange? You think that would have made you want a sexual revolution with your husband?

 

Think about that. Don't say it might wake you up to what you were or weren't doing just because you are the one that is in the cheater seat. Really think....if you knew your husband thrust his pecker in and out of another woman, would that make you want him?

 

 

I don't know. A cheating wife wouldn't bring out feelings of me wanting her. I am repulsed by the idea.

 

As far as you saying he is "HAPPY" about the increase in attention and sex....hmmmm. I'm happy about it too!! But with someone else, not the woman that cheated on me.

[taylor]

So you are saying that the affair was good for your marriage.

 

So what if the shoe were on the other foot and he went out and got himself some strange? You think that would have made you want a sexual revolution with your husband?

 

Think about that. Don't say it might wake you up to what you were or weren't doing. Really think....if you knew your husband thrust his pecker in and out of another woman, would that make you want him?

 

 

I don't know. A cheating wife wouldn't bring out feelings of me wanting her. I am repulsed by the idea.

 

As far as you saying he is "HAPPY" about the increase in attention and sex....hmmmm. I'm happy about it too!! But with someone else, not the woman that cheated on me.

 

Dexter,

 

If the shoe were on the other foot, as you say, my husband wouldn't have done anything with his pecker. My affair was emotional. I never touched the OM.

 

But if my husband had an EA like I ...started developing feelings for another woman like I did for another man....started to emotionally connect with a woman like I did with another man, it most certainly would have made me take notice. The fear of losing him would have hit me like a bucket of ice water dumped over the top of my head.

 

If another woman had the power to make him feel more virile, I would be taking advantage of that virility today as we move through our recovery.

 

Also, since it was an EA, there was no chance of contracting any strange?.

 

I guess in some way, the affair did help our marriage because it changed us and it changed our marriage. My husband is more open and emotionally connected to me. I am also more emotionally open and connected to him. We fought our way back to each other.

 

Our marriage became sexually charged in the aftermath of the affair..and it's been almost a year now. He is like a sexual powerhouse in the bedroom and I've turned into a sex kitten. Go figure. Can't really explain it. Just trying to be honest here.

 

I guess in some ways we don't take each other for granted anymore, sexually or otherwise.

 

And speaking of peckers, my husband said this past weekend he doesn't remember how long it's been since I paid THAT much attention to his. He actually made me blush.

 

I know you are not going to want to hear this, Dex, but bottom line is my marriage is better now than is was for the three years prior to my affair. The affair didn't make the marriage better, but it was the unfortunate catalyst that forced us to make changes.

[taylor]

And Dexter, if I may add...

 

I do understand your point. I do not know what my marriage would look like now if I had had a PA. To tell you the truth, I do not think I would have a marriage at all. Like you, I truly don't think my husband could have handled that.

 

My therapist said if I had wanted to have sex bad enough with the OM, I would have and could have. The OM was ready, willing and able. But I didn't. Something stopped me. I held back and pulled back many times over the course of a half-year. I almost crossed that line but didn't, thank goodness. It scares me now to think how close I got to throwing everything away for one sexual encounter. I had everything to lose; he had nothing to lose.

 

From reading this forum I have come to believe that men have a much harder time dealing with wives who have PAs as opposed to EAs and wives have a much harder time dealing with husband's who have EAs than PAs.

 

It may have something to do with the difference in the value men and women place on emotional connection versus sex.

 

It will be interesting to see how this OP deals with his wife's sexual escapades after the dust settles, reality sinks in, and his state of arousal fades.