Caught Wife of 5 Years Cheating a few days before Valentine's Day

[65tr6]

I then told her how i got aroused by seeing the images and video clips of her together with reading her explicit emails. .

I thought owl warned you specifically on this count. I agree with Dexter that she may now have the upper hand. Well, hopefully you are still in a shock and let your wife spill everything in the next several days. Trust me there is lot that needs to come out. I am not sure why you were so quick on jumping on the MC. I would expect her to 1) come clean 2) committ to a complete NC BEFORE even attempting to reconcile.

[taylor]

Mr. Smith,

 

I just want to say I am sorry you and your wife have had to deal with one of nature's cruelest fates..infertility.

 

I'm glad you and your wife decided to seek counseling. I think IC, especially, will help both of you to work through the pain, confusion, disappointment, grief and hopelessness that I'm sure couples feel when hit with this kind of news.

 

Life-altering events like this can severely throw a marriage off.

 

I truly hope you and your wife can find your way back to each other and be able to face your future together with hope of a fulfilling life together.

 

My heart goes out to you and your wife.

[GorillaTheater]

Mr. Smith,

 

I just want to say I am sorry you and your wife have had to deal with one of nature's cruelest fates..infertility.

 

I'm glad you and your wife decided to seek counseling. I think IC, especially, will help both of you to work through the pain, confusion, disappointment, grief and hopelessness that I'm sure couples feel when hit with this kind of news.

 

Life-altering events like this can severely throw a marriage off.

 

Yes, infertility can certainly be a tough, life-altering event. Perhaps not as tough and life-altering as watching a video of your wife bang some other man like a screendoor in a hurricane, but still.

 

Run, Mr. Smith. Run like hell.

[NewSunrise]

This was a funny post. Not an insult...just funny.

 

I think Mr. Smith hasn't quite gotten to the part of separating fantasy from reality.

 

Hey, maybe it has to do with the male's brain wiring system. He gets off watching his wife's doing two other guys. Rather than being pissed off and kicking the wife to the curb, his testesteron hits north and rewards himself afterward. Mr. Smith gives his Mrs. more after two hours of her getting it from another dude.

 

Ever thought Mrs. Smith may be addicted to sex?

[Lucky_One]

You know, I don't see why he is getting such flak for wanting to save and work on a marriage? Yes, there are some tremendous hurdles, but love, honesty and sweat can go a long way.

 

Good luck, Mr. Smith; I hope that you are able to do what it is that you feel is best for you!

[Owl]

There's absolutely nothing wrong (IMHO) with his choice to work on his marriage...and I sincerely hope that it works out for him.

 

The mistake here is in telling his wife about his 'response' to her videos...because while honesty is critically important, sometimes it's the TIMING of the message that is equally so.

 

Telling her this...now...sets the stage for her to continue. It gives her a rationalization, a mental justification for what she's doing.

 

He'd have been far better off bringing that up after recovery had already begun, and her 'activities' were already curtailed. Doing so now only decreases his odds of successfully recovering his marriage...considerably, I'm afraid.

 

And he was specifically warned of this prior to his discussion with his wife...which makes me question what his motives, his goals, truly are.

[Lucky_One]

Maybe his motive is nothing more than to share his confusion over something pretty odd (well, odd IMO) with the woman who knows him best in the world. Maybe he wants forgiveness for his arousal.

 

And sometimes it is just hard to keep your mouth shut when there is something preying on your mind and you are having intense conversations that are heartfelt.

 

Every now and then we do things without motives.

[Owl]

Every now and then we do things without motives.

 

One thing I have to completely disagree with, my friend.

 

EVERYTHING we do has a motive...even if we don't consciously know what it is.

 

The trick is to learn to spot those motives that you don't always consciously think about.

 

And to only do things that fit your goals and gameplan.

[taylor]

Yes, infertility can certainly be a tough, life-altering event. Perhaps not as tough and life-altering as watching a video of your wife bang some other man like a screendoor in a hurricane, but still.

 

Run, Mr. Smith. Run like hell.

 

Thanx for crapping all over my post, Gorilla. You could have made your point about infidelity without reference to my post which had nothing to do with infidelity.

 

I doubt you have a clue about what a couple goes thru who can't have children of their own.

[GorillaTheater]

Nope Taylor, other than friends sharing their misery over being unable to have children, my wife and I have no first hand experience with this issue. Quite the opposite, in fact.

 

But to even insinuate that infertility is "a" major issue the Smiths face, let alone "the" major issue, is patently absurd and veritably begs for derisive laughter.

 

So, yeah, as far as crapping all over your post? Mea culpa.

[taylor]

Nope Taylor, other than friends sharing their misery over being unable to have children, my wife and I have no first hand experience with this issue. Quite the opposite, in fact.

 

But to even insinuate that infertility is "a" major issue the Smiths face, let alone "the" major issue, is patently absurd and veritably begs for derisive laughter.

 

So, yeah, as far as crapping all over your post? Mea culpa.

 

Do you laugh at your infertile friends when they share their misery with you? Do you minimize their infertility issue?

 

Infertility IS a major issue with any married couple who hoped to have a family of their own..let alone a large family as this OP had hoped for.

 

Sounds like you crap on your friends, too.

 

BTW, your avatar speaks volumes.

[GorillaTheater]

Do you laugh at your infertile friends when they share their misery with you?

 

Of course not. What makes you think I would?

 

Do you minimize their infertility issue?

 

I certainly wouldn't under ordinary circumstances, but if that couple faced far more grave issues like, say, videos of the wife riding other men like a drunken cowgirl, then I would suggest to them that infertility should rank fairly low on the scale of things they to give immediate attention to.

 

Infertility IS a major issue with any married couple who hoped to have a family of their own..let alone a large family as this OP had hoped for.

 

Again, I think Mr. Smith has bigger fish to fry than being concerned with how many kids he and his wife will have.

 

Sounds like you crap on your friends, too.

 

What it sounds like is that I hurt your feelings, made you angry, and you chose to respond with a shotgun blast of dopey assertions.

 

Do you do that to your husband?

[GorillaTheater]

BTW, your avatar speaks volumes.

 

Now you're just flat-out flirting.

[taylor]

Of course not. What makes you think I would?

 

You said it: "To insinuate infertility is a major issue the Smiths face...is patently absurd and begs..for laughter."

 

Infertility and Infidelity are both major issues this couple will have to address in IC and MC if they choose to save their marriage. One does not cancel the other out. The OP thought the infertility issue was important enough to mention here and it deserves to be acknowledged and validated.

 

Just because I chose to address the infertility issue with a compassionate comment implies nothing with regard to how I view the infidelity.

 

Of course you have every right to carry on about drunken cowgirls, but you didn't need to muddy my post with yours, especially since I made no reference whatsoever to the infidelity issue.

 

 

What it sounds like is that I hurt your feelings, made you angry, and you chose to respond with a shotgun blast of dopey assertions.

 

Your lack of compassion/sensitivity was appalling to me.

 

Didn't hurt my feelings. I'm not dealing with infertility issues. The Smiths are.

 

Do you do that to your husband?

 

My husband is one of the most compassionate men I know and I admire him for that.

[taylor]

Now you're just flat-out flirting.

 

If you think that was flirting, you are a desperate man.

 

Scary.

 

I-G-N-O-R-E

[GorillaTheater]

Okay Taylor, fine. You think I show an appalling lack of compassion and sensitivity, and I think you show an appalling inability to prioritize problems in a relationship. Got it. No need to take this further.

 

Mr. Smith, I've got to hand it to you; your dedication to make your marriage work is far more than I would be willing to endure were I in your shoes. Best of luck.

[Dexter Morgan]

Mr. Smith, I've got to hand it to you; your dedication to make your marriage work is far more than I would be willing to endure were I in your shoes. Best of luck.

 

I don't think its as much of dedication to making his marriage work as it is desperation that he doesn't want to lose her and she has him wrapped around her little finger.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't think its as much of dedication to making his marriage work as it is desperation that he doesn't want to lose her and she has him wrapped around her little finger.

 

I suspect you're right, but it's his call. As difficult as it is for me to imagine setting his wife's activities aside for the sake of a marriage, he's the one who has to determine where his boundaries (if any) are. Personally I envision him winding up a cuckolded sub. His choice.

[MrSmith]

Owl, the reason why i told her about my arousal about seeing the clips and pictures was because i wanted everything out in the open, as i said in a previous post i don't believe a couple should hide anything from each other and that is what hurts me and angers me the most about her cheating, its not the acts she engaged in, but the fact that she was deceiving me into thinking that everything was alright in our relationship when clearly she knew otherwise. Had she communicated to me a couple of years ago that she had this fear of dying without ever experiencing life etc it would have given me an opportunity to resolve it.

 

I want to make my marriage work, for me that will take complete honest open communication which i pray will restore trust in my wife.

 

I agree with many of the previous posts and am not completely satisfied at her reasons for the affair, i believe she is holding back on telling me and am hoping that MC tomorrow will raise these issues.

 

The reason why i told you about the infertility and the loss of her mother was because she told me that it was within a few months of this that she first cheated. Both of us were at very low points in our lives which led to a break down for her, partially as a result of me burring myself in work and not talking to her about it. I understand now that we should have got counselling back then which may have prevented her cheating.

 

One thing i do know from the last few days of talking with her is that we still love each other very much and that we both want this marriage to work.

 

Dexter, i don't know your story or what happened to you, but can tell from your posts that you are very bitter and angry (as are many of the posters here) at what happened to you. I don't want to be consumed with bitterness because if i am i will never overcome this and will never get my life back on track whatever the future may be. By remaining bitter and angry you are cheating yourself of the remainder of your life.

[GorillaTheater]

I wished you the best of luck and I meant it. Speaking for myself, I'm not bitter and angry (if anything I'm angry on your behalf, as weird as that probably sounds). I hope your marriage works out, but I have to also say that there is no way I would even try if I was in your shoes. I wonder about where your boundaries are, and what may constitute a deal-breaker in your eyes, but as long as your wife is 100% committed to making the marriage work, carry on.

[Owl]

I understand the absolute NEED for honesty in a marriage...make no mistake.

 

My concern is your timing...and how it can easily distract things from actually addressing the problem. As I said...saying what you said...NOW...gives your wife tacit approval to continue with what she's doing.

 

You need to ensure that you send a CRYSTAL CLEAR message to her that what you said in no way condones her behaviors, nor are you in ANY fashion saying anything less than ALL of the cheating ends....RIGHT NOW.

 

If you give any less of a clear message...you're dooming your reconciliation efforts to certain failure.

 

In your shoes...I would have been honest with her about that reaction...AFTER you've taken steps to ensure that your marriage will survive. Doing so now really does more to harm your efforts than help.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, i don't know your story or what happened to you, but can tell from your posts that you are very bitter and angry (as are many of the posters here) at what happened to you. I don't want to be consumed with bitterness because if i am i will never overcome this and will never get my life back on track whatever the future may be. By remaining bitter and angry you are cheating yourself of the remainder of your life.

 

No, by manning up and refusing to be taken advantage of, the rest of my life is much better. It would be a living hell if I would have folded like a cheap suit and settled for a cheater.

 

But hey, by all means, forgive her...move on....you don't want to lose her, then you are going to simply have to put up with and accept that you will live life with a cheater.

 

do what you want and don't complain when later on you realize that you can't change your cheater and she screws you over again.

 

If you want to be a cuckold, then good luck with that.

[cherrymoon]

My husband bought me a ring for christmas it had engraved in latin on it Love overcomes everything.

 

Some people believe in this and to be honest Dexter and everybody else that can't see beyond their own hurt if you cannot support people when they ask for help then why bother posting.

 

What one person finds acceptable in their relationship another might not.

 

Who knows why Mr Smith reacted the way he did.

All we need to know is he wants his wife.

He loves her and he has a right to fight for her. He has the right to save his marriage. He WANTS to and that then is for us to support and help.

No one absolutely no one has the right to call him a cuckold.

A cuckhold is an old english term for a husband who's wife is sleeping around. He is a cuckhold or a fool as he doesn't see it.

 

Mr Smith

You go for it. you exhaust every avenue to fix your marriage and then at least if you realise that this won't work you can walk away saying you tried. If it works and your wife and you get the second chance you both want then i can say nothing will rock your marriage again.

 

Once a cheater always a cheater is a phrase thrown in whenever the oppurtunity arises.

I AM NOT A CHEATER, I did however cheat on my husband.

I will never do it again I can say that just as much as anybody can.

Just as Dexter and others say I will never cheat.

Well I will never cheat either.

I have but I never will again.

 

You need to deal with what happened and please deal with all emotions do not brush this under the mat.

 

i wish you so much luck and happiness.

This is your right,

[Dexter Morgan]

Some people believe in this and to be honest Dexter and everybody else that can't see beyond their own hurt if you cannot support people when they ask for help then why bother posting.

 

Did you even read this story? He wants to stay with her no matter what. She is going to do what she wants to do and he will cave to her out of desperation.

 

he is going to have to make his own mistakes and learn the hard way.

 

 

What one person finds acceptable in their relationship another might not.

 

Thats why I told him, by all means, forgive her and accept her for what she is. He wants to keep her for whatever reason. So do so.

 

 

Who knows why Mr Smith reacted the way he did.

All we need to know is he wants his wife.

He loves her and he has a right to fight for her. He has the right to save his marriage. He WANTS to and that then is for us to support and help.

No one absolutely no one has the right to call him a cuckold.

 

I think you are missing the fact that he IS a cuckold. its a descriptive word. "a man whose wife is unfaithful"-->

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cuckold

 

or "A man married to an unfaithful wife".

 

Now whether or not he wants to remain a cuckold is up to him. From what WE are hearing, he is willing to remain one. Whatever floats his boat.

 

 

A cuckhold is an old english term for a husband who's wife is sleeping around. He is a cuckhold or a fool as he doesn't see it.

 

I thought you said nobody had a right to call him that? but you just did:o

 

 

Mr Smith

Once a cheater always a cheater is a phrase thrown in whenever the oppurtunity arises.

I AM NOT A CHEATER, I did however cheat on my husband.

 

then you are a cheater, whether you believe it or not.

 

 

I will never do it again I can say that just as much as anybody can.

 

Just as Dexter and others say I will never cheat.

 

I say I will never cheat and can mean it because I NEVER have.

 

You can't say you will never do it again because you HAVE cheated. If you can do it once, you can do it again.

You have proven you are more than capable of it.

[Athena]

I AM NOT A CHEATER, I did however cheat on my husband.

I will never do it again I can say that just as much as anybody can.

Just as Dexter and others say I will never cheat.

Well I will never cheat either.

I have but I never will again.

 

cherry, the difference is that you are a one-time cheater (past tense), whereas a lot of cheaters are SERIAL cheaters, and THEY are the ones the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater" refer to.

 

OP W had two men on the side... that does not bode well for him.... it doesn't sound like she is a one-time cheater, now does it?