When your friends don't want to listen anymore...

[SYL]

IslandGirl, I have made it about my girlfriend for the last few months -- her mother's illness, her sister's illness, her depression, her drinking problem, her issues with some of her friends, her children's health, and the constant return to stories of her abusive ex, etc. It's been non-stop and I have made myself available to her and her needs despite what I was going through myself. Her husband called me one night to ask me if I would watch over her drinking as he could not back away from an engagement -- I was there! My phone line was open to her any time and she would call in the middle of the night wanting to talk. I was there. She invited me to dinner two weeks ago again. At one point, she went upstairs for 'something' and did not return -- she went to asleep instead (!!) while I was left to manage her children as I worried about getting mine home for bedtime. I had to wait until much later when her husband came home... She was stressed over the tests that would be coming back for her family's health -- I understood and overlooked it.

 

I have not mentioned one iota about my own trials throughout all this time -- not my financial situation, not the poor offer on my house, not being able to get a job, get out, etc. I kept to topics that were more positive, mere mentions and nothing in depth -- the house DID sell, I was becoming more social, etc.

 

The drama over the pregnancy / miscarriage was written from the perspective of what it was like for me THEN. It is not the case for how I feel today. All I feel today is the sadness for my girls and I blame myself for having been the source of the resulting situation in regards to my girls.

 

When things were looking up for my girlfriend last week (all test results came back clear), I entered some of my troubles in regards to my children's loss of their friendships and what was going on with them. I was not expecting her response... I feel like I cannot interject anything about my life so I stepped back from the friendship before 'I' destroyed it.

[SYL]

The only thing I can say is while you talking to them about their problems it does stop you from thinking about yours

 

True enough. Thanks. (((hugs)))

[SYL]

Having read your other thread in detail I can see the same pattern. Your writing, while eloquent, seems over dramatic and full of reasoning and excusing the jerks behavior. You just sounded "stuck".

 

It also comes across that because you were feeling certain things surely he MUST feel those things too. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some people are not so involved as we are in certain situations.

 

For instance, he made it perfectly clear he was in no way feeling any bonding emotions with your unfortunate pregnancy. He was not attached and had no indecisiveness about what his wants were. He declared them immediately and even expressed happiness that the situation ended as it did.

 

That is completely the opposite of your reaction.

 

I understand you are a deeply feeling person.

 

I understand that you are hurting and need support.

 

But when things are over one can only listen to the same thing over and over just so many times. After that there should be a progression toward a more healthy outlook, a shift toward letting it go, and a commitment to moving on from the trauma.

 

At some point it just has to be put to rest.

 

Thanks for the tough love and your perspective. I broke down in tears reading it.

[Island Girl]

Thanks for the tough love and your perspective. I broke down in tears reading it.

 

Awwwwwwww man. I didn't want you to cry!!

 

I am truly sorry about that.

 

I just know you can be so much better to yourself.

Your capacity for love and forgiveness is HUGE. But a lot of it is misplaced.

I think you deserve MOST of it and yet you dole out so little when it comes to your needs for yourself.

 

I do wish you well.

 

PLEASE DON'T CRY.

[SYL]

Awwwwwwww man. I didn't want you to cry!!

 

I am truly sorry about that.

 

I just know you can be so much better to yourself.

Your capacity for love and forgiveness is HUGE. But a lot of it is misplaced.

I think you deserve MOST of it and yet you dole out so little when it comes to your needs for yourself.

 

I do wish you well.

 

PLEASE DON'T CRY.

 

Don't feel bad about it (((hugs)))... It's just how I am feeling these days. I DO invest too much of my care in others -- in my marriage, my friendships, relationships, etc. I know I have this problem of putting others first and ahead of myself -- I need to look at that, at myself because I don't like this sense of betrayal. I always blame myself in the end.

[SYL]

This is why I never tell friends and family when a breakup happens. It's only a matter of time before they'll get tired of listening so I don't bother to tell anybody when me and "so and so" are not together anymore. I wait for them to discover my breakup on their own.

 

I guess that's why I keep the friends that I have in the off-line world. I don't bother them with my problems. The more I keep to myself the more friends I'll gain and keep.

 

I can vent on here since I didn't come here to make friends.

 

I wish I was aware of these boards long ago... I will take it under advisement. Thanks!

[Island Girl]

Don't feel bad about it (((hugs)))... It's just how I am feeling these days.

 

Well, thank you for that. {{{ hugs}}} right back to you.

 

I always blame myself in the end.

 

Se there you go again blaming yourself when these are their reactions. They are responsible for their decisions.

If you see errors on your side just learn that lesson and move on.

DO NOT continue to blame yourself and beat yourself up for what you can not change.

 

I think you have enough in you to forgive yourself and when you start the beat down session - you can stop yourself and instead start an internal mantra.

"That is the past. I control my future. I acknowledge my growth from past misadventures. I understand sometimes we fall down but it is how we rise that defines us."

[SYL]

I think you have enough in you to forgive yourself and when you start the beat down session - you can stop yourself and instead start an internal mantra.

 

"That is the past. I control my future. I acknowledge my growth from past misadventures. I understand sometimes we fall down but it is how we rise that defines us."

 

Yes, you're right, however that is part of the process. The beginning stages ARE the emotions, and recognizing them and letting them run their course is actually healthy. It's part of the grief. If ignored, we revisit the story time and time again. My head will kick in, it always does. I am just not there yet in relation to my children and my girlfriend.

 

'Him and me' on the other hand, are closed. Hearing his voice used to have a special friendship love 'ring' -- it wasn't there when we spoke last week. It was flat and I felt indifferent towards him. I was calm and logical throughout the conversation while he displayed anger, resentment, and hate. He was accusatory and projected much blame but did not want to discuss either -- he will have to deal with it. He is no longer a part of me that I carry -- it was a good sign for me and positive that I recognized it. My head about him and I on a personal level is in the right place. This process complete.

[SYL]

Your writing, while eloquent, seems over dramatic.

 

I write for a living -- I communicate emotion... it's what I do.

[noone]

A lot of people have been telling the OP to go out and make new friends. But it would be hard for her to just open up and talk about her problems with random new people. I find in my case, it's much easier to share happy news with "friends". On the other hand, when I truly need a shoulder to cry on, I contact only a handful of friends. I've known them for a minimum of 10 years! SYL, if your "friend" only wants you to help her with her problems but is unavailable for you, I'd advice you to rethink your friendship. She sounds really messed up too. What kind of person would go to sleep while leaving her kids with a guest? I know you are emotional and needs friendship. But be just as picky with whom you befriend as you would with your next love relationship. And that guy who wanted to "tied things up" with you, drop him. He sounds like a loser.

[Zapbasket]

Hey SYL,

 

I haven't posted in your thread of late (been pretty busy) but have been following it. I was thinking about the situation with your friends. You sound like someone who is very articulate, wears emotions on your sleeve, and finds solace in expressing them verbally (which you do quite eloquently). I'm that way, as well. I find that for me, while I am very private in certain respects, I don't need a lot of closeness and intimacy in a relationship to be able to discuss my emotional life. I wonder if it's the same for you?

 

I wonder because, I've come to discover that because for many people, discussing emotions can be very threatening, they're easily overwhelmed and taken aback when they encounter people who are able to articulate emotions fairly easily. I've learned to curb myself with people like that. It's hard for me, because expressing emotions verbally is so much a part of who I am. But I see it as a necessary compromise to enable me to relate well to a wider range of people. As someone who thrives on getting to know people who are very different from me, cultivating an outward personality that more readily invites that difference is important to me.

 

Commensurately, I've realized, perhaps more slowly than most, that in truth there are VERY few people, even among the people we call "friends," who genuinely have an interest in who we are, in our well being, and who will gladly bear the occasional burden of hearing about our struggles in life. In fact I'd say anyone is lucky to have even ONE friend like that. To have TWO friends like that is a huge surplus of luck.

 

When I was mucking through the aftermath of a rather upsetting (because so unexpected) breakup with my ex (with whom I was together for 5 years), I confided in a friend who'd been my friend since we were 12. I recognize now that I really did go through a period where I was just stuck, asking the unanswerable "Why, why, why?" over and over and finding it nearly impossible to accept that we were o.v.e.r. My friend abruptly disappeared on me after telling me that she had trouble feeling any empathy for me because in her opinion, my ex "wasn't that great of a guy." I can only imagine that I must have overburdened her. Still, I feel it was pretty sh*tty of her to just disappear. She made a couple of feeble attempts in the past year, but I just wasn't feeling it (there's more to this story but it's not relevant here). I share this because I think the classy and compassionate thing for her to have done would have been to write me a note or tell me directly that she just couldn't hear it anymore. I'd have respected and appreciated it much more.

 

Point being, it's commendable that your friends were up front with you. And your responses to them that you posted here were ultra-classy. It sounds like you'll be able to restore these friendships once things have died down. But I think you'll have to restore them on a slightly more superficial footing.

 

Sometimes when the rug(s) of support are pulled out from under you, you find an inner strength to cope and better your life that you otherwise would never know you had. I have faith this will happen for you. Stay focused and take good care of your physical well being.

[Island Girl]

I write for a living -- I communicate emotion... it's what I do.

 

Well you are really really good at it.

 

I think right now there are just emotions that are immense in your life because you feel SO deeply.

 

Like all things it can be a double edged sword.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

I too am suffering right now due to extenuating circumstances. And it just keeps getting worse. But I am still looking for ways to turn it around because somethings got to give. The pendulum HAS to swing the other way at some point.

I know you are holding onto that thought as well.

 

Perhaps today - since your girls are out and you can let some of this emotion out - you can do some beneficial venting.

I don't know what you feel like but if you feel like crying do you feel it would help?

Or screaming...? Something...?

 

I don't know. I can't go that direction. I have no one right now to pull me back in from that place. I live by myself (except for two dogs) so it isn't an option for me.

I wish I could because a huge part of me thinks it will help. But the fear of plummeting into an abyss is too great...

 

But for you...since you have to keep such a brave face on all the time (and you will always for your daughter's sake I know), it might work for you if you allow yourself to let go because you know it is for a finite period of time.

 

I'm sorry SYL.

My heart goes out to you.

 

Maybe this post doesn't help. I hope it does though. I wish there was something I could do from here.

[SYL]

A lot of people have been telling the OP to go out and make new friends. But it would be hard for her to just open up and talk about her problems with random new people. I find in my case, it's much easier to share happy news with "friends". On the other hand, when I truly need a shoulder to cry on, I contact only a handful of friends. I've known them for a minimum of 10 years! SYL, if your "friend" only wants you to help her with her problems but is unavailable for you, I'd advice you to rethink your friendship. She sounds really messed up too. What kind of person would go to sleep while leaving her kids with a guest? I know you are emotional and needs friendship. But be just as picky with whom you befriend as you would with your next love relationship. And that guy who wanted to "tied things up" with you, drop him. He sounds like a loser.

 

With my best friend and my girlfriend, I really thought I had carefully selected two decent and smart individuals. They were there for me when my marriage took a dire turn. When the miscarriage took place, I lost my best friend (who was also the father of the baby) as well as my girlfriend who just was exhausted by the trauma in my life. I wish that these two could wear my shoes for a while just to give me a break -- they have no idea!

 

I am honestly apprehensive to open up to anyone right now. The sense of betrayal is too intense for the time being but I do recognize that I need to let it out too -- I just don't have anywhere to do that. Counseling once per week isn't enough.

 

I have started a Blog to get it all out. Right now, it seems to be the only thing that helps.

 

As for the 'friend' who would like to 'tie things over'... well... we talked about it. I don't feel any sort of attraction for him. In the interim, he has been a good friend -- he understands clearly that I am not in a healthy place where physical interaction would even be a positive. I feel dead in that department -- who wants to be with someone like that? He agreed.

[blondesmiler]

Hey, saw your last post. As a suggestion does your counsellor know if any groups where you could meet like minded individuals that have been through similar things. Then you can talk about things but without having to make new friends (unless you wanted too) but can still vent etc in a fairly safe environment.

 

I know when I had severe depression and went to counselling I also went to some group therapy aswell which I found quite useful, in fact very useful.

[SYL]

Hey SYL,

 

I haven't posted in your thread of late (been pretty busy) but have been following it. I was thinking about the situation with your friends. You sound like someone who is very articulate, wears emotions on your sleeve, and finds solace in expressing them verbally (which you do quite eloquently). I'm that way, as well. I find that for me, while I am very private in certain respects, I don't need a lot of closeness and intimacy in a relationship to be able to discuss my emotional life. I wonder if it's the same for you?

 

Correct. VERY few people are close to me. Actually, my best friend and girlfriend are the only ones that I have allowed to enter my core in a decade. As someone who carries stress really well, they were quite surprised to know some of the details of my life. They were amazing support and they both learned a lot through my friendship with them. After the miscarriage, they had had enough and now I feel alone.

 

Commensurately, I've realized, perhaps more slowly than most, that in truth there are VERY few people, even among the people we call "friends," who genuinely have an interest in who we are, in our well being, and who will gladly bear the occasional burden of hearing about our struggles in life.

 

Agreed.

 

Point being, it's commendable that your friends were up front with you. And your responses to them that you posted here were ultra-classy. It sounds like you'll be able to restore these friendships once things have died down. But I think you'll have to restore them on a slightly more superficial footing.

 

I hope but the closeness will never again be attained.

 

Sometimes when the rug(s) of support are pulled out from under you, you find an inner strength to cope and better your life that you otherwise would never know you had. I have faith this will happen for you. Stay focused and take good care of your physical well being.

 

Thanks.

[SYL]

Hey, saw your last post. As a suggestion does your counsellor know if any groups where you could meet like minded individuals that have been through similar things. Then you can talk about things but without having to make new friends (unless you wanted too) but can still vent etc in a fairly safe environment.

 

I know when I had severe depression and went to counselling I also went to some group therapy aswell which I found quite useful, in fact very useful.

 

First, I looked into meetup.com. As I am moving and do not know where I will end up, it is less than easy to find a group that will fit into my interests and geographical area. However, thanks for the link and once I am settled, I will look into it in more depth.

 

I am not in group counseling... I fact, although it was suggested, I have avoided it. I have a public face in town and disclosing my personal matters will be fodder for more gossip. I would highly recommend it to anyone though because it is a good opportunity to get things out. Once I move, again, I will have a better chance to spill what it is that I have kept inside.

 

Thanks.

[SYL]

Well you are really really good at it.

 

I think right now there are just emotions that are immense in your life because you feel SO deeply.

 

Like all things it can be a double edged sword.

 

It's just one of the drawbacks of having a high EQ... I wouldn't trade it though for all of the benefits.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

I too am suffering right now due to extenuating circumstances. And it just keeps getting worse. But I am still looking for ways to turn it around because somethings got to give. The pendulum HAS to swing the other way at some point.

I know you are holding onto that thought as well.

 

It always does. After the emotions are dealt with, the head kicks in. It is important to let the emotions run their course though -- it's definitely one way of learning that you are a good person, which is why it affects you so deeply. Whatever the situation, your heart was in the right place.

 

Perhaps today - since your girls are out and you can let some of this emotion out - you can do some beneficial venting.

I don't know what you feel like but if you feel like crying do you feel it would help?

Or screaming...? Something...?

 

I cancelled most of my plans this past weekend. I was not in the mood to be social or to date. I ended up crying it away and I feel so much better today!

 

I don't know. I can't go that direction. I have no one right now to pull me back in from that place. I live by myself (except for two dogs) so it isn't an option for me.

I wish I could because a huge part of me thinks it will help. But the fear of plummeting into an abyss is too great...

 

Have you tried writing it out? singing it out?

 

Maybe this post doesn't help. I hope it does though. I wish there was something I could do from here.

 

Every post helps... (((hugs)))

[Island Girl]

I am not in group counseling... I fact, although it was suggested, I have avoided it. I have a public face in town and disclosing my personal matters will be fodder for more gossip.

 

Counseling sessions are like AA meetings. One is not to discuss what is disclosed.

And everyone there is suffering and airing their dirty laundry too.

All would have plenty to be "embarrassed" about.

 

Although I don't think, from knowing your story, that YOU have anything to be embarrassed about.

You have consistently taken the high road even when it hasn't been what most would do.

 

But you do have to be comfortable to share. So if you can do so more freely when you move then I hope you will find a safe haven there.

[SYL]

Update...

 

I found a new place that I will be moving into in a month! My girlfriend is still 'cool' towards me but other areas of my life are beginning to pick up a little.

 

Let's hope for no more drama... Thanks to everyone for reading my lengthy story. (((hugs)))

[Island Girl]

That is great SYL.

 

I am glad things are beginning to turn around.

 

I wish you the best.

 

{{{hugs}}}

[SYL]

After a month of 'cool' emails from my girlfriend (who demanded why I wasn't checking in on her) and ignored phone calls (I would call in response to her emails instead of battling it out in text), she finally called me last weekend. It turns out that she is in severe post-partum, diagnosed 4yrs late. I became her shoulder to cry on and her support. We both agreed that taking a step back from the friendship was only to protect it, avoiding the possibility of resentment as neither one of us can take on each others' drama.

 

She was guilty. She was sad. She continues to refuse discussion about my ex best friend. I still listened to all of her troubles (including updates about her abusive ex from nearly a decade ago) but a part of me did resent that she was closed to what I could and could not share. I have taken another step back because I do not wish for an unpleasant outcome when everything is over. I sent her a note of encouragement and support:

 

"Hey hon,

I wanted to thank you for easing my concern and filling me in on what is going on with you. Never be embarrassed, sweetheart -- I continue to keep our friendship at a very high regard, through good and bad times. That has not changed. We currently carry doubts in our separate lives with many changes, both have stuff to weed through right now, while I also believe we share the same respect to protect our sisterhood for the better outcome.

 

Despite the spin you are in right now, I see strength in you that I feel I must acknowledge whether you believe me or not -- it's true by my perspective. Your courage to seek understanding of your diagnosis as you realign your life is admirable. I cannot dispose of or judge someone who is taking positive measures to overcome what they did not ask for. It would be different if you were allowing it to succumb you -- and, by our conversation, it is clear you are not. :-)

 

The oft terrorizing yet exhilarating roller coaster ride eventually comes to a complete stop, when it's due to retire, and when you have learned all that you are meant to gain by that experience. In actuality, your process of discovery is fueling me with further strength -- a path that affirms we always have the choice to choose where we want to be. :-) That is comfort.

 

Know that I love you and that you will never be judged by me in any negative way -- whatever trial you face, dramatic or not. As your sincere friend, I am always just a phone call away. (((hugs)))

 

All my love to you, sweetheart.

 

Her response:

You make tears come to my eyes...

 

I think our hearts are in the right place.