flash582 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I'm looking for some opinions here. Here's the situation: Wife of 7 years. Has moved her daughter into our home along with her 4 month old and her daughter's boyfriend. Says they can't make it in this economy. Daughters car broke down and she's driving Mom's car (for the past year) until her income tax check comes in. Says her grand daughter will never see a sitter and doesn't want them to move out. Ever. Defends her 20 year old son who doesn't want to work, won't get his drivers license, and has dropped out of college. Says I should support him and stop complaining. He's trying. Didn't get me a birthday card for the past two years, nor a valentines day card this year. Says that she's really sorry but that she didn't have a car and was too busy watching the grand baby. No special dinner, no nothing. Did get a quickie in bed that night. Wants me to work hard and get a big raise so she can quit her nursing job. Says her legs hurt all the time and she's getting too old to work now (49). Says that her paycheck is so small compared to mine that her working isn't really helping the family out anyway. Spends every nickel of her paycheck without paying her bills (on her kids, usually) ... comes to me when her bills are 2 to 3 months late and asks me to pay them because they're going to repossess her car, etc. Doctors won't keep prescribing her enough pain meds so she's buying them illegally. (she claims to have arthritis in her hip due to having her third child). My paycheck was spent before I could get home from work. I had to open a separate checking account so I could pay our bills. I'm still broke all the time, however, in spite of a six figure income. Says she loves me but sex is a quickie every two weeks because she's tired, her hip hurts, there's football on TV, a good movie, or a dozen other excuses. I don't even ask anymore because she rejects it 90 percent of the time. House is always dirty. I have to do the cooking, even though I work 12 hour days. No one will cook even if they've been home all day. I work hard, have tried to treat her children as my own as her ex is out of the picture and doesn't contribute, and try to be a loving and supportive as I can. Opinions? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Either sit down and discuss this in full with her (exactly as you've put here) and see what she comes back with, or - (if you suspect you'll be talking to a brick wall) Tell her you can't deal with all this constant tug and drama, and that you're moving out. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnnyBlaze Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 There are just so many things I want to say here, but I think Tony would need a whole new server just to house them all. So I'll just be succinct; GW's right. Lay it out and let her know how things are and that they're not going to continue. Whether they change because she changes her ways or because you leave is up to her. If she promises to change, look for evidence that change is happening. If you don't see any signs, call a lawyer from an outside line and find out how to proceed from here (in order to retain as much of your income and property as possible). Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Says she loves me I think try to find out what SHE means when she uses the word "love" in same sentence as "you/my husband". Respect? Admiration? Desire? Happiness? Appreciation? Or does she mean she that she loves WHAT YOU DO and WHAT YOU PROVIDE? Sounds like you are expected to be the silent cook, money-provider, supporter of everyone else's emotional, physical and mental needs, and "fixer" of everyone else's problems. To me, she could use some professional help to sort out all those "relationships without boundaries", and overcome her misguided beliefs about her (and your!?!) obligations to her adult kids. I don't think you'll be successful on your own, to facilitate her awareness of how disturbingly dysfunctional it all is. I guess you do owe it to her/yourself/your marriage to try to resolve it so that this marriage works for you, too. But in my heart, I just want to say, "RUN, RUN, RUN as fast as you can!" Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 Yeah, me and my camper would be getting reacquainted with the wide open highway. Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 Maybe she feels she owes them because it didn't work out with their fathers. Does she blame herself for her kids being losers? You only get one life man. Do you want to waste it on this drama? I think I'd rather be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author flash582 Posted February 20, 2009 Author Share Posted February 20, 2009 Yes ..... she feels very guilty about the divorce between her EX and depriving her kids, blah, blah, blah. Her Kids are disrespectful, rude, don't pick up after themselves and in general, push well beyond boundries. I've laid this out before to her and nothing really changes. It just comes back with a slightly different spin. I'm going to start seeing a professional on my own next week to help me with transition, but my limits have been exceeded for what I feel is the last time. I see two choices. Suck it up and hand over the checkbook, then be happy with my 3rd place position with my wife for the rest of my days, realizing that retirement will never be an option because that machine will need constant feeding forever. Choice number two: Move out and start anew. I just can't do number one. It's not in me. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 Well then, your last sentence says it all, you've answered your own questions. I think the personal counseling is a great idea. I knew I needed to leave my drunken abusive ex after our daughter was born, but I needed outside...validation I guess, to help me not feel guilty and accept that I had a right and responsibility to take care of myself and child. Good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 20, 2009 Share Posted February 20, 2009 I see two choices. Suck it up and hand over the checkbook, then be happy with my 3rd place position with my wife for the rest of my days, realizing that retirement will never be an option because that machine will need constant feeding forever. Choice number two: Move out and start anew. Well, I do believe that's largely what I advised in my first post.... Man, I'm goooood! Link to post Share on other sites
iceis44 Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Lay it down, son is 20 he can more than contribute to his upkeep, as can daughter. My daughter lives with me or we live in house together how ever you want to put it along with granddaughter She has the cable bill, and the phone bill about 200 total a month, she buys whatever grocries when she wants Pays for everything baby, and helps me lots when I need it, If they dont help out, life would not be so comfortable, no cell phones, cut the cable, etc Before my marriage of 25 years ended, one reason x was not responsible enough to pay a bill, oh he made money but never paid a bill or cared if he was bounced, so i split the bills gave him the ones that effected his life if he didnt pay like his insurance, his car, house etc i took gas eletric water etc, that way the utilities always stayed on, if he didnt make his car payment, come get his car separated over 1 year and divorce final about 3 months every month i recieve the late notices on his truck and house, I decided this month I would not inform him, I know i have rent every month why doesnt he?? People are as irresponsible as you let them be! Link to post Share on other sites
Author flash582 Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 We had it out last night. Lots of tears, lots of drama, but I stuck to my guns. Ether things changed or I was outta here. Short version: She acknowledged that she had been too lax with the kids and agreed to go to counseling with me starting next week. Came home today and the house was spotless. So ... all hope is not lost. At least we have a chance. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Let's see if this can be kept up...... Good luck. I really mean that. You may like to consider family counselling too. Link to post Share on other sites
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