unfaithful Posted October 3, 2003 Share Posted October 3, 2003 I have know my husbands best friend longer than I have known my husband (about ten years). We'll call the friend "Mike". For the last 8 years I have been friends with "Mike's" wife "Cindy". Mike expressed an interest in me about three years ago. I was flattered. Before meeting my husband I was attracted to him. I played it off and made nothing of his interest in me. About six months ago, Mike and Cindy were having problems. I had just been laid off from my job and I guess we were all going through some sort of a slump in one way or another. During a conversation Mike and I were having, he kissed me. I did'nt hold back. We have been having an affair since. I don't know what to make of it. I'm not even sure of my feelings. I know I love my husband. I know that I am not in love with Mike and I'm almost positive Mike's not in love with me. I do however, know that I have feelings for Mike and that he has feelings for me. I am not sexually attracted to my husband but I can't seem to get enough of his friend. I don't want to leave my husband, besides our sexual relationship and this affair our marriage is otherwise stable. Everytime Mike and I try and call it quits, we always end up going back to one another. I guess I just need some impartial insight on this whole situation because I'm very confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Leikela Posted October 3, 2003 Share Posted October 3, 2003 Here's the skinny on your situation... A-- You're husband does not satisfy you sexually. -As a result of this, you choose to have an affair to fufill this need that's not being met by your husband. That's basically all there is to your situation. You have two options, either leave your husband or continue to be unfaithful to him. Did you find him attractive when your first met him? Why and how did the sexual attraction die? Is there any hope of regaining it? Link to post Share on other sites
bryanp Posted October 3, 2003 Share Posted October 3, 2003 Let me ask you a couple of questions if you don't mind: First, how would you feel if your husband was having unprotected sex with your best friend? Second, does your husband deserve having you engaging in a double betrayal of him with his best freind? Third, you are friends to his wife and this is how you treat your friend? Fourthly, do the both of you get some kinky thrill that you are totally humiliating your spouses and making a farce of your marriage vows, putting your spouses at risk for STD's and knowing that your husband has no idea that his best friend (?) is screwing his wife? Fifthly, would you want your children to grow up and do this to their spouses? I think you need to wake up and see the incredible damage you are doing to yourself, your husband and your marriage. Your moral compass is broken and you need to fix it now. I suggest that you inform your husband and tell him what was going on. This way the affair will end immediately. You then can work to recover your marriage. Your husband will know that his best friend is no friend to him but a back stabbing snake. If your husband finds out on his own that I seriously doubt your husband will stay knowing that you continued to humilate and disrespect him by screwing his best friend behind his back and socializing with these people at the same time. If you do not become open and honest with your husband then it will be a matter of time before your marriage will be destroyed. You cannot work on your marriage until you have honesty in your marriage and have total no contact with the best friend. You would not want your husband to be doing to you what you are doing to him. How do you think you will feel when you celebrate your anniversary with your husband? If you have such disdain and disregard for your marriage then why not divorce and allow your husband to find someone else who will love and respect him since you seem incapable of being able to do this. Do the right thing and confess to your husband and work on recovery or it will be a matter of time before you end up with nothing to show for your cheating. You are your husband need to get into counseling immediately. I would suggest you also confess to the OM's wife and start your life again where you can once again respect yourself and your husband and your marriage. Stop this double betrayal of your husband and your marriage. Look in the mirror and ask yourself do you like what you see? Do the right thing. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
almostthere Posted October 3, 2003 Share Posted October 3, 2003 OK HOLD ON A MINUTE!!! Dont confess it to him. Yea yea yea I know honesty is the best policy. I had an affair on my ex (no thats not the reason for the divorce)....thats a whole other story....when he found out he wanted to work it out and even apologized for treating me so badly through the marriage. But they can forgive but they never forget. Would you? End it. If you truly love your husband dont lose him. Not only will you lose him, his love and respect, but you will lose yourself, your house, maybe your kids, or at least their respect........divorce is not the easy way out. Its hard, its hurts like hell and no one wins. you both lose. Take it from someone who knows. Its lonely, hard and scary out here. Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted October 3, 2003 Share Posted October 3, 2003 I'm with everyone else here in saying that you need to decide RIGHT NOW whether your marriage is worth saving, because you have already destroyed it. I know that sounds harsh, and I know that you likely do not want to hear it, but it is true. This does not necessarily mean that it is beyond repair, but it will take a great deal of time, effort, and desire on your part to make it work. Frankly, based on the fact that you have not chosen to end your affair with "Mike" indicates to me that you have not got the desire to maintain the marriage. This being the case, I would recommend you consider divorce. If divorce is not what you want, you must end the affair, come clean, and get into counseling with your husband right away. But be prepared to face the consequences of your actions; your husband may decide that you are not worth it to him. "Mike" obviously has no intention of leaving his wife. From the sound of it, neither of your spouses is aware of this affair. I am not making a value judgement on you. I understand that people find that they need things out of a relationship that they are not receiving from their SO, be it a husband or boyfriend, wife or girlfriend, and the first inclination is to go outside of the established relationship to find what you feel you're needing (in this case, it is sex, from what you have said.) You are doing yourself, your husband, your partner in the affair, and his wife no favors whatsoever. It is now time for you to step up and take responsibility for yourself. I do wish you luck, because the road ahead is not a pleasant one, but with effort could be wonderful for you. Link to post Share on other sites
LuckyStar Posted October 14, 2003 Share Posted October 14, 2003 Almostthere makes a good point: they can forgive but they never forget. This may be difficult to say but unless you're caught , I would not say anything. Work on getting out of the affair. When I found out that my husband was cheating, he lied, however, while he was having the affair, him and the other woman had a child as a result. Therefore, he couldn't lie anymore. He got caught. Deep down, had i not found out about the child, it would have been easier for me to except all the lies. Link to post Share on other sites
joeg Posted October 15, 2003 Share Posted October 15, 2003 u people are incredible... if my girlfriend (and soon will be wife) ever cheated on me.... i would so rather find out straight away instead of 6 months or more down the track... knowing that all that time she disrespected and lied to me for so long... even if we were married... and she cheated on me and she came up almost straight away and told me... i'll be heartbroken and wont wanna be together... but maybe i'll say "at least ur being honest"... this will also show ur spouse that you have no feelings for the other person... and it can possibly work out....... if i found out that she lied to me for six months or more... well forget about her how can i stay living and sleeping in the same bed with someone who doesnt respect you. be honest the whole way thru... my brother in law once sed when he took me out drinkin at a club while i was underage... "i lied to your parents about you not drinkin... i lied to your other sister about it... but i told my wife (my sister) what we are doing... cos you can lie to anyone but never lie to the person that you are sleeping with" and thats the way how it is... and thats the way how it should be... ive never cheated on my girlfriend ever... and i never will... but i told her about how in the first two weeks of dating her i was still keeping in contact with my other girls before i met her just incase it didnt work out with her... (she got angry bout that)... and i told her about how i had a pic of my cock before i met her... but i sent it to another girl on the net and then deleted it (she got real angry at that...) but then i sed... "i'll always be honest... i'll never do those things again... they were at the beginning of the relationship... i didnt know that we'll grow in this strong and loving relationship... thats the worst ive ever done and the worst i'll ever do... you know i wont lie to u or else i wouldnt have told you those stuff... i love you and i'll never cheat on you ..." and now its been almost two years and i cant wait to ask her hand in marriage Link to post Share on other sites
SingNdAbLews Posted October 20, 2003 Share Posted October 20, 2003 Listen don't tell him I'm dead serious. I was in the same situation and I wish I would have never told, I didn't really someone else did, four years later. But I wouldn't admit it at first. I denied it all the way and he started to calm down. The a friend of mine told me if your going to marry this man soon you need to come clean about it or your marriage won't last. I took her advice and told him. He locked me in a room in our home and beat me, raped me, burned me with cigarettes, and called himself the name of the person I had the affair with. This went on for three days. Before someone heard my cries for help. Then they (the cops) took me to jail. But once they saw the marks everywhere when I was striped and searched. They took pictures of me and put them on file. I denied it was him and told them I got jumped. They never went to get him because of that. And I was released and beat for three more years. Then one day while he was asleep I called help hotline and was picked up and drivin away from the biggest nightmare of my life. Had I never admitted it he would have never lost his mind like that. He never touched me before that day we were together 5 years before all of this happened. Just end the affair and keep your mouth shut and don't tell ANYONE about it. Or you will soon be found out. If you have told someone you MUST tell him first. Or just move on. Good Luck! Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 A someone who has recently gone through the finding out about her husbands affair let me give my thoughts on this subject. End the affair NOW, today! If you are sure that he has no idea about the affair DON't tell him! It will save him from being devastatingly hurt. You need to start acting like a responsible adult and think of someone besides yourself. Tell no one about the affair except for a licensed therapist. Start working on your waning sex life with your husband, take a romantic getaway, start sending him sexy notes, make it interesting and new. Seduce your husband! Picture a life without him, that he has found out about the affair and wants a divorce. Keeping this in mind will renew some of what is lacking in your marriage. I wish you good luck The Faithful Wife Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 You're having an affair with your husband's best friend. He will find out about this at some point. Nothing else really matters, do as you will, the die is already cast. Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted October 21, 2003 Share Posted October 21, 2003 You aren't sexually attracted to him. Is that recent or has it always been that way? End it. Get a divorce. You'll be unhappy and cheat on him again later, which is totally unfair to him, unless he's doing the same to you. As for telling him or not...I dunno. That's a toughie. THat could destroy him. Oh, and his best friend? Yeah, I'd use that term VERY loosely. This guy's NOT his best friend. He's an a**h***. How can a guy to that to his best friend? Jesus. Link to post Share on other sites
JustDunno Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 I believe you need to ask yourself a few questions forgetting for a "moment" about if your husband should know or not. Ask yourself how important intimacy is to you. I would guess it is as we as humans usually need it in our lives to feel possibly complete. If you don't get it from your husband but you do get it from his pathetic best friend, ask yourself, shouldn't you have it all from one man and how great that would be? You cant make intimacy re-appear. On a another note: Why the heck didn't you leave him first, deal with your marriage and then do what you want to do with that pathetic best friend of hubby's for the moment but then find the one that has it all. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFaithfulWife Posted October 22, 2003 Share Posted October 22, 2003 I disagree with JUST DUNNO, you can have intimacy reappear. My husband and I were so caught up in being upset with each other that we lost the intimate side of our marriage. We both thought the love was gone. He had an affair and I just sank into depression. He filed for divorce and suddenly both of us started seeing each other differently. He moved out, but he started calling me and asking me out on dates, we were able to spend time alone that we didn't have when we lived together with our 5 kids. It was like traveling backwards in time to when we first met. He cancelled the divorce, moved back in and we began counseling together. Our sex life now is better then ever. It took a wake up call to jumpstart the intimacy. Just finding the person we fell in love with in the first place made all the difference. It has been 8 months since he cancelled the divorce and 4 months he has been home. We now make a special date every two weeks and we spend that time alone with each other, no kids, no thoughts of anything but us. I find myself looking forward to that time with excitement, I get dressed up. He comes home with a small gift(his Idea) and we take off to dinner and a hotel for the night. It renewed our relationship. We are taking a trip to Seattle in November, just us for three nights, for our anniversary. We have agreed that we will continue to do the two week date for the life of our marriage, he finds it as pleasurable as I do. It takes the stress off of always being a parent. I know this is long and rambling but I hope it helps you understand that as long as you love your husband you can make it work with effort. The faithful wife Link to post Share on other sites
JustDunno Posted October 23, 2003 Share Posted October 23, 2003 Well I guess The Faithful Wife proved me wrong. I should of said its very rare. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts