liking someone new and feeling guilty

[RogueAC]

I finally went out on a date and kissed someone that I am starting to actually like (first “crush” since the most recent ex). It was fun at the time but today I’m having all these mixed feelings about it.

 

I’m feeling guilty because I actually like someone new. Also, I keep having these feelings like I "cheated” on my ex who dumped me many months ago.

 

Any thoughts on how to deal with this?

[Geishawhelk]

You haven't completely 'moved on' then, have you?

 

Do you think your ex-, for one moment, feels in the slightest bit, remotely guilty?

 

How long do you plan to keep sabotaging your own personal progress and happiness....?

 

Unless you shrug this off now, you're going to be carrying this millstone around your neck for a long time.

That will be a bum deal both for you, and any potential, new, better and much-improved relationship.

 

Choice is yours.

Keep it round your neck, or put it down, already.

 

Decide.

 

And yes, actually, it really IS that simple.

[sad_panda]

Your ex dumped you. He was already open for someone else to come along (if no one hadn't yet at that time) when he decided to get out of your relationship. You shouldn't feel guilty over liking someone else because your ex didn't leave you with any choice.

 

Being dumped sucks but if there's one thing I like about it, it's the fact that we dumpees have no way to go but up after being thrown down, because it's the only choice our exes left us.

[RogueAC]

Do you think your ex-, for one moment, feels in the slightest bit, remotely guilty?

 

Honestly, these feelings don’t have anything to do with the ex. They are coming from within so I want and need to work on them because I CAN change them.

 

Yes, I am still in the process of “moving on.” Right now, even feeling remotely attracted to a new man is progress to me. I have worked very hard to get to this point but I do still miss my ex often. It is an everyday thing –still to this day. I know that I am not emotionally ready for a new relationship but for the first time since my ex I actually felt a “spark” with a man and it freaked me out.

 

I am so scared of liking someone new. I am scared of letting go of this person I held so dear to my heart. Honestly, it feels like if I like someone new that I never really cared for my ex. I know this is false thinking but I don't know how to change that. I feel like I should be "pining" because it gives the love and effort and relationship value. That it meant something.

[SpanksTheMonkey]

. I feel like I should be "pining" because it gives the love and effort and relationship value. That it meant something.

Is it a ended relationship or a BMW? were talking about here value? lol sorry.. but it sounds to me like your not over him by any stretch yet are you?

 

I don't know how long its been but you need to start thinking about yourself "pining" for a man that doesn't want you any more is like p*ssing up a flag pole pointless and messy.

 

I know it may sound cruel I'm sorry but you don't owe him or the old love anything at this point.

 

And if you keep holding on it will just make you miserable and stunt any new chances of finding real lasting happiness..

[Ronni_W]

I’m feeling guilty because I actually like someone new. Also, I keep having these feelings like I "cheated” on my ex who dumped me many months ago.

I'm guessing that you know, intellectually, that one cannot "cheat" on a non-existent relationship. So, kind of, you have to get the facts and accurate information to the 'part' that is feeling like a cheater -- that 'part' is working from a set of misguided beliefs based on inaccurate info.

 

Similar for the 'part' that is currently believing a new relationship will make the old meaningless and insignificant. Again, my guess is that you're aware, intellectually, that is just not true.

 

Your prior relationship is, of course, always going to be meaningful and important...when you put it in context of "time and place".

 

So, again, your role is to bring what you consciously know to be accurate and true to the other 'parts' who are still functioning on outdated, inaccurate data.

 

It may take a bit of time for those parts to "get it", but just keep feeding them the truth and eventually they will be perfectly happy once again.

[sad_panda]

It's amazing how much our exes can do to us if we allow them to have power over us. Don't worry, I felt the same way, although my situation was even more pathetic. For a couple of weeks after the break up, I couldn't even think about moving on because I felt like if I could move on, so could he. It was stupid because whether or not I move on, he would still move on (obviously, since he was the one who dumped me).

 

Three weeks after my ex broke up with me, I met a guy at a party who seemed to have a crush on me. He was cute, smart, and funny, and before I knew it, I had a crush on him too by the time the night ended. When he asked for my number, I didn't give it to him because I felt like I was cheating on my ex if I did. I felt like if it was easy for me, then it would be easier for him, and that crushed me (I think it was more my ego than my heart to be honest). Oh boy I now regret that I didn't give the new guy my number.

[RogueAC]

Breakup happened 6 months ago. It was a very serious 2 year r. Very serious. Sometimes it is still fresh but other times doing okay and even other times quite good.

 

I know it may sound cruel I'm sorry but you don't owe him or the old love anything at this point.

 

And if you keep holding on it will just make you miserable and stunt any new chances of finding real lasting happiness..

 

I am having such a hard time getting to this point. I realize that I am only "hurting myself" too.

 

Last night when I was kissing this new guy it felt pretty awesome but today I can't get over the feelings that "I did something wrong." Even though, logically, I know that I did not do anything wrong.

 

This breakup has been the hardest that I have ever dealt with. All the others made sense and hurt but did not crush me to my core. I am scared that I will never fully "get over it."

 

I thought this person was "the one" (cliched, I know) and now, because of what happened, I don't trust my judgment and choices when it comes to commitment and relationships. Also, if I stop caring I feel like the last few years were totally wasted.

[RogueAC]

 

So, again, your role is to bring what you consciously know to be accurate and true to the other 'parts' who are still functioning on outdated, inaccurate data.

 

It is really frustrating because logically, I do know that my thinking is flawed. I don't know how to replace the "outdated data" with my new reality.

[Ronni_W]

Also, if I stop caring I feel like the last few years were totally wasted.

But if you DON'T stop caring (in an unhealthy, limiting way), then you are wasting your current and future years, clinging on to you past years.

 

Maybe it comes down to if you value the past more than what you could be creating in the present, for your future?

 

Or maybe it's just that you're not yet ready to date others? That's fair enough, too -- no need to beat-up on yourself just cos you need more than 6 months to fully heal from a very serious 2-year relationship, IMO. It's gonna take how long it takes, right?

[RogueAC]

For a couple of weeks after the break up, I couldn't even think about moving on because I felt like if I could move on, so could he. It was stupid because whether or not I move on, he would still move on (obviously, since he was the one who dumped me).

 

I felt like if it was easy for me, then it would be easier for him, and that crushed me (I think it was more my ego than my heart to be honest). Oh boy I now regret that I didn't give the new guy my number.

 

I can totally relate to this.

 

TBH, I started feeling a lot of these things when I ran into the ex about two weeks ago while out with friends. He approached me and we chatted for a while. He wanted to bring up the relationship and tell me how he still feels bad about what happened and that he is not dating anyone but I cut him off because it wasn't the right time to talk about our past relationship.

 

Also, I found out that night that the "new spark guy" is a casual acquaintance with my ex. I wonder if some of my "guilt" feelings stem from here.

[RogueAC]

Or maybe it's just that you're not yet ready to date others? That's fair enough, too -- no need to beat-up on yourself just cos you need more than 6 months to fully heal from a very serious 2-year relationship, IMO. It's gonna take how long it takes, right?

 

I know that I need more time but it is frustrating because physically I want to move on but emotionally I'm not ready.

 

I do value the present and potential future awesomeness more than the past. I need to remind myself of this and continue to heal.

 

Thanks for the support.

[Ronni_W]

It is really frustrating because logically, I do know that my thinking is flawed. I don't know how to replace the "outdated data" with my new reality.

I know what you mean about the frustration. Best part, though, is that you are aware that you have a few 'mental errors' going on.It's about interrupting the limiting, inaccurate thoughts as soon as you become aware of them.

 

Here's one technique that is quite effective: http://www.richbits.com/RBArchives/45sRB_powerpause.htm

 

Using affirmations is another good tool. I just googled this one -- looks pretty thorough but I haven't read it all the way through.

http://www.personal-development.com/chuck/affirmations.htm

 

I'll post back if anything else comes to mind, that may be able to assist.

 

In the meantime, hang in there -- you're headed in the right direction!