getting through the day to day

[mike123]

I find day to day life depressing. I'm in university working towards a degree that I feel isn't going to do much for me... besides put me in a lot of debt. feel like I'm too deep to get out, I already owe all this money so why not just finish it? However I'm struggling with it because I'm disinterested, the whole subject just depresses me....

 

I have a job right now that I really hate, I work in customer service for a phone company and basically take people's **** all day. I barely get paid enough to pay the bills, the company I work for makes billions while paying only a couple thousand employees (share the wealth you greedy bastards).

 

I had a breakup about four years ago that really hurt at the time. It really was for the best, we got together young and just grew apart (I know, same old). It really messed with my mind though... when I told her I loved her I really meant it, and she was pretty convincing as well. How does something like that fall apart? How do two people that love each other stop? How can you completely cut someone out of your life that you once would have done anything for? I haven't talked to her in years and yet I think about her almost everyday and dream about her often too. To be honest, if she tried to contact me I probably would go out of my way to avoid the situation, or at least keep it brief. I don't miss her, just the feeling of being in love with someone. I don't think I can tell someone else that I love them without getting the feeling that the "I love you" could really mean nothing a year from now... I haven't had a serious relationship since, and find it awkward when I'm in intimate situations with other women.

 

To the addiction part...I've basically been stoned all day every day for about 5 years...beginning from around the end of the aforementioned relationship up until this very second. For a while I was drinking a lot and to excess...to the point where come people stopped inviting me out or to parties because they knew I was probably going to do something ridiculous. At first it was funny, then I got the feeling that they just thought I was pathetic, then i got to thinking that I was pathetic. I've stopped the binge drinking but I still smoke weed all day. Sometimes it makes me feel really great but sometimes I freak out when I'm stoned. I've started experimenting with pills and I must say, the pills are great! It's like a light switch, from sad to extremely happy in almost no time at all. No paranoia, no visible change in anything except for attitude....I can still function, in fact I function much better. These drugs give me surges of confidence, something I haven't felt in years. Weed numbs the day to day, the pills make it better. I know that I can't be popping pills everyday because it's just not sustainable, eventually it will lead to a breakdown and/or kill me. But happiness is so easy with the right drugs...how can I continue being lonely and miserable knowing that happiness (although artificial) is only a phone call/ a drug store visit away... anyways that's my rant...maybe someone out there is in a similar situation?

[era]

in fact I function much better. These drugs give me surges of confidence, something I haven't felt in years. Weed numbs the day to day, the pills make it better.

 

What kind of pills Mike?

 

Actually it doesn't even matter - you are addicted, right?

 

I have been in the same situation with prescription meds.

[mike123]

perks...mostly oxycontin. The strange thing is I'm not really having a problem with them, I only take them recreationally or if I'm feeling particularly down. Honestly, it's weed that gets me... I've tried "harder" drugs off and on and have never formed a habit. I would have an extremely hard time not smoking weed for a week though. I know it's not supposed to be addictive, but I think it just affects people differently. For me it's hardly ever even enjoyable anymore... I get paranoid and anti social (turn off my phone, won't answer the door, I rush to let my dog out so I don't have to talk to any of my neighbors) ....yet I keep doing it every day....it's crazyness. I have every reason to stop, but truthfully I'm really stoned even as I type this...and trying to figure out a way to break plans for tonight that I've already committed too..

[artbrat]

Mike, first of all, realize that these pills (Oxy's, Vico's, etc.) will be your worst enemy and you will eventually ride that slippery slope of drug seeking behavior. A pill once in a while to lift your mood will lead to another then another as the tolerance builds. I take pain meds for a specific medical condition. With that said, I do under the careful control of a pain management specialist. I'm deathly afraid of these things because my mother was a pain med addict and it finally killed her. I can honestly say I'm dependent. They take the edge off my severe pain, but not addicted. There's a huge difference the average person doesn't understand. I did the weed thing a long time ago. Finally it didn't feel good anymore and I was unmotivated and got extremely lazy, started calling off work, screwing up in school. Ask yourself if the short term benefit of "feeling good" is worth the potential harm to your future, relationships and your health. Yeah, a buzz can help numb the pain in our lives and block out the stupidity of those we are forced to deal with. But when it's all said and done, you wake up to the same old B.S. everyday. Try to find healthy coping skills. Hang in there. Clean up slowly. You are worth it.

 

~peace and love