Men and Self-Esteem

[moimeme]

Self-esteem issues can cause people trouble in relationships. There was a post today about someone in an abusive relationship and didn't leave because of self-esteem problems. People stay in all sorts of bad relationships because they don't feel they deserve anything better.

 

I have now known several men who had major self-esteem issues. One even ended up in two abusive marriages. They all suffered much in their lives and it really opened my eyes. I no longer recall, but I may have been surprised that men would have those sorts of issues. I know that people have a hard time believing that men can be in abuisve relationships. Now I realize that there are an awful lot of wounded people all around us

 

An earlier thread today got me wondering a few things. It seems to me that men who have self-esteem issues may have it worse than women in many ways - but maybe I have it all wrong. It seems to me that they might have it worse because

- society expects men to be 'strong' and therefore is not as understanding of their issues with self-esteem

- the men themselves, understanding society expects them to be strong, feel even worse because they don't 'measure up'

- men who are socialized differently than women don't grow up with the same sorts of supports (girls can talk to each other about these things) or the same sorts of skills to cope with such feelings

For these reasons, however 'unfair' it may be of me, I have a huge amount of empathy for fellows with these issues; almost more so than I do for women.

 

I also realize that I now figure that society has changed in recent years and self-esteem is much discussed so I'm assuming that now it's more acceptable for men to have self-esteem issues and that, in general, people feel empathic towards such fellows - but am I nuts? Do people still expect men to be 'strong'? Are people empathic towards such fellows? Are fellows with these issues more comfortable about the fact that they have them, or is it still a matter of shame?

 

Opinions?

[emokid]

Well....

 

 

I don't think anything has changed as far as men feeling more comfortable about their lack of self esteem. I don't know necessarily that people are more empathetic towards men with probs. or women with probs. I appreciate that YOU feel more empathetic, because i agree with you to a point. I think it is tough for guys, only because yeah, were supposed to be the strong, tough ones in relationships. Even though all girls may not like for guys to be overly manly or macho, it's expected of us that we at least are TOUGH thru certain situations and that we have do to certain things because we are men.

 

Me being a man, i've had a low self esteem periodically throughout my life, that stemmed from the way i was raised. I've overcome it, but still get down from time to time(recently because my girlfriend left me when i thought things were great)But i was raised by my mother and occasionally saw my dad who happens to NOT be a very Manly Man and very passive. I was always taught to not be so loud or kept really protected by my mom and that loud, exhuberant, overly happy people who spoke their minds, was not how to be...in other words, Don't embarass yourself.

So all through high school, i had no friends..I was the shyest kid you ever met. Girls asked ME out all the time, but i'd freak out if i had to actually talk to a girl. I'd get tons of flack from guys and in my early 20's was teased because, I Hate Football, I don't drink or smoke, I don't speak openly about banging chicks or boobs or whatever. I'm a gentleman.

So yeah, just as much as it's difficult for girls to look pretty in front of other girls or look nice or look cute, Guys have the same expectations and issues. Some more than others. I'm not a fraidy cat like i was when i was a teen and am actually a nice, good looking(i like to think) caring, loving guy who respects women and enjoys art and music and love.

But still, it's a werid society on this planet of our. People are expected to be a certain way or else they are outcasts. I prefer to be an outcast.

[2SidestoStories]

I prefer to be an outcast.

 

It's always nice to know that there are other people who prefer to be on the outside.

 

Coming from the point of view of a woman who is considered very strong, I know several men and women alike who are extremely intimidated by me. This has been the case for as long as I can remember interacting with others. My folks used to tell me that I was always a bit different, but never made a sensational deal of it.

 

But in regards to the topic at hand, I would say that I have known probably equal numbers of men and women who have low self-esteem. Still, I can't help but notice that indeed, more of the men with low self-esteem have maintained that low, whereas the women have found support in each other, or in groups or whatnot.

 

I think it's an expectancy of society for women TO be more empathetic, both toward one another and toward men. It's like the female sacred duty to be the caretaker, and the male sacred duty to be the provider. I would challenge that ascertion in present day circumstances, as there are more and more women choosing to be invovled in the workforce (and more power to them, for certain!) and more men who are open to the idea of being "house-husband." I personally grew up in a home where for several years, my mother was the breadwinner while my father was the Mr. Mom, while also running a woodworking business out of the home. The response from his family was for all intents and purposes, heinous. They questioned his ability to be a father, and "making" his wife be the one to earn the money for the home, etc. My father's response was, "I am being a better father than most I know; I get to spend hours at a time helping my children with their school work; I get to have what many other fathers do not. For that, I consider myself incredibly lucky."

 

I realize mine is an unusual situation, but it still bears testament to the possibility of gentlemen being confident in themselves in spite of "the norm."

[HokeyReligions]

My husband had suffered (and I do mean suffered) with low self-esteem his whole life. His parents should never have had children - he was abused and neglected. He was always told that he ruined his families lives and that they were stuck with him and he was literatly and figuratively his parents "whipping boy". He has taken everything to heart. If we went out and I didn't go on and on and on about what a perfectly wonderful evening we had - he would apologize profusely the whole rest of the evening and every time we talked that week. He still does this to a certain extent - looking for constant reassurance that its okay for him to be alive.

 

I was the first person who did not tell him to "be a man for Gods sake" but rather I was strong for him. Every relationship he had before me ended in large part because of his low self-esteem. Who wants to deal with that forever! Sometimes I do get tired of the constant reassurances and when I snap and tell him YES, everything is wonderful, now please drop the subject, he gets this hang-dog look on his face and slumps off to another room and doesn't speak to me for a couple of days! Well, up until a few years ago that is how he acted - it has taken nearly 20 years of therapy, love, support, and standing my own ground, to begin to build his self-esteem.

 

Having given that brief synopsis of my husband - I too think that men have more pressure on them and more of a struggle with this issue. I think that is why there are more male suicides then female. My husband did not want to burden me because he was brought up that men must not share their feelings. (his father also taught him (by word and deed) that women are evil and must be hated & used and never trusted, and my husband felt that way for a very long time) Because he didn't share with me & bottled it up inside he finally erupted and we split up for a while and I made him to go counseling, and I went with him. In a way, its just another form of performance anxiety and I think that the male ego is more fragile than the female ego. Our ego's bounce a few times before cracking and men's ego's shatter.

[moimeme]

Something that bugs me is that society is all over empathy about children who are abused, but when those children become adults, somehow adulthood is supposed to magically confer the ability to shake off these horrible experiences and just 'get on with it'. It's awful unfair.

[BlockHead]

I think the pecking order among peers is another major factor. Among kids, that seems to reinforce the idea that somebody is less valuable than another. The kids at the very bottom suffer the most. Some kids deal with it better than others, and some kids never recover.

 

Boys are usually evaluated by fellow boys on the basis of physical strength, prowess, and the strength of his male character. If a boy measures up, he will have a higher position in the food chain. If a boy does not measure up for whatever reason, he will have to deal with rejection and maybe abuse.

 

There are exceptions. If a boy has a strong masculine character, he can get away with being more sensitive and emotional. If a boy has a weak masculine character, and he is sensitive and emotional, well, he is on the menu. From what I’ve seen, the only time they stop is when significant or irreparable harm have been done. For example, they stopped picking on a kid after he became schizophrenic.

 

If a boy is being abused at home, his peers usually have no mercy.

 

The social structure also affects interpersonal development among the kids. The kids at the top of the food chain have many friends, and many opportunities to develop their social skills. The kids at the bottom have few friends if any, and they seem to fall behind in social development. In this case, the rich get richer, and the poor get poorer.

[2SidestoStories]

society is all over empathy about children who are abused, but when those children become adults, somehow adulthood is supposed to magically confer the ability to shake off these horrible experiences and just 'get on with it'.

 

I don't know that it's so much "magically confer the ability," as it is that society expects because people are adults, they should therefore be responsible for themselves. I agree that it is unfair, but I also think that it's a reflection of people who as Hokey mentioned in her situation, should never have been parents in the first place. Unfortunately, everyone is about placing blame. Myself included, obviously.

 

My exhb was told by his parents that he was "planned but not wanted." He has always had serious social issues, and may well have chemical problems as well. His reaction to the negativity was to develop a gigantic ego: "I am far superior to all of you anyway, so I don't need you!" type thing. I can see how much that affected our own relationship, but also how much is has affected his relationships and interactions with the world at large. The egotistic nature is more a defensive front, obviously; a protective barrier for the terrified little boy that lashes out all too often. In both Hokey's husband's case and my ex's case, these are pretty extreme examples of super-low self-esteem, though with lots of other "fun" additions to the mix.

[moimeme]

The ego is charged with defending us and protecting us. To do so, it employs various measures. Some of them seem self-defeating but they serve to protect the fragile core.