Sex and wife's recovery from accident

[voldigicam]

She's always had a bit of a reserved attitude about sex, but been very good at it, and enough quality & quantity. Difficult with kids around, ups and downs, but really just fine.

 

Almost 2 years ago I watched her fall, hit, and lie still. Very surprised to find her alive. Face smashed in, other damage, and disoriented, but alive.

 

The physical stuff was hard. I relearned how to cook, drove the kids around, ran the business. Surgery etc. The really hard part was the brain damage. She'd forget stuff and if I mentioned that we'd discussed something already she'd get nasty. She'd be disoriented and deny it. Head injury stuff. Disconnected from us emotionally. She tried hard, but it was slow. Then the depression built. Her memory abilities got better and she got better dealing with the loss. But the depression was bad. She got on a drug and is getting better and better.

 

No sex. That's it. Emotional distance for a long time during the recovery. Now the emotional connection is rebuilding, but she has no sex drive at all. Period. Except suddenly and rarely. Then it's gone. She'll snuggle and flirt all day, pass out in front of the TV and go to bed. Part of it, if not most of it, is the side effect of the drug for depression. I'd like her to get off them, but the doctor indicates it's a little early.

 

I feel almost sucked dry through this whole thing. Has been a great deal of worry. And I have to wonder whether I've given up, and am getting OK with just having her as a friend rather than a lover. It's weird and hard to get my mind around. I love having her more and more back. But I don't understand why the sex part doesn't have more impact on us. I don't feel like I've given up, but that I've transitioned somehow.

 

And I want to transition back. I really have a hard time even approaching her now in a sexual way. Sort of been trained to not ask. Weird.

 

Any observations/suggestions/experiences?

[Heroic]

Don't go for sex.......

 

Slide in behind her, lean in whisper in her ear how beautiful she is and how glad you are for her to be in your life. Let her feel your body against hers, kiss her neck.....then slide away and pull out her favorite take out of a bag and lite up a candle.....enjoy her as a person like you did years ago when you first dated. Work that as long as it takes.

 

You have transitioned to another role, this playful behavior will bring you back to your role as a lover.

 

When all is well, You will look back and know that you kicked the ass of one of life's biggest problems and you will both be stronger for it.

 

I admire your perserverance, you sir...ROCK!

[quankanne]

I really have a hard time even approaching her now in a sexual way. Sort of been trained to not ask. Weird.

 

no sex in my marriage either, also for health reasons, and when I really get to thinking about it, it steams me that my husband cannot see what he expects of me isn't really just ... that I shouldn't be forced to smother my libido just because his is dead! And yes, there's the guilt factor of even just *wanting* him physically when I know it could complicate problems with his back, and I've pretty much psyched myself into believing that sex would be too weird at this point. Self-preservation and fear of being rejected yet again is behind that particular self-induced belief, I'm thinking.

 

as hard as this is on you, you need to realize that as a good spouse, you're responding to her needs even though it means you're having to sacrifice, rather than compromise ...

 

maybe the key reintroducing a fuller, sexually healthy component to these relationships is to approach it like we did when we first started the courtship ritual with our spouses. Teasing, seduction, flirting, attention, just enjoying those things without worrying about the pressure of full-blown boinking. Otherwise, the resentment grows and everything you've built up gets thrown aside.

 

couldn't hurt, eh?

[carhill]

OP, my sympathies. Yours is a difficult path. It's one of those life experiences which tests the essence of who you are.

 

I have two suggestions:

 

1. If not already done, approach her brain recovery from both the medical and psychological perspectives. Use the team approach of psychiatry and neurology. Look for proactive practitioners who are at the forefront of their fields. The brain is an amazing organ and very complex.

 

2. Get support. You're not alone. Sharing with other caregiver's/spouses in similar circumstances can be cathartic. Consider professional help if you are as close to empty as you think you are. I started a support forum for fellow caregivers while I was caring for my demented mother at home. I know all the buzzwords and have seen most everything. Having that support (and giving it) was a lifesaver. I later got MC to help my wife and I save our M, though the latter isn't going so well. The important thing is to get help.

 

This is your life. She is your wife. You were robbed of the person she was before. I hope that you can find a new common ground to be with and love the person she is now. Best wishes!

[voldigicam]

I managed to have a talk with her. She feels kind of distant from things. But she's waking up from the nightmare bit by bit. Just having her open up a little really helps.

 

I suspect all the other stresses don't help. We work together in our business, and she's not come back to really being able to pull her previous load. We also lost our only employee, a mixed result on that. I end up working alone far too much. The lack of as much support hurts our income. The economy hurts. And there's the lawsuit springing from the accident.

 

I'm working on getting her back out exercising. She hates being heavy. I don't really notice any more. She still feels good.

 

I'll keep supporting and see where things go.

[Heroic]

Hey Quankanne...you might want to think about a sex swing for back issues. I had a hernia and it was the only way I could get things going for a while.

[quankanne]

at this point, I do believe my husband is happier than a pig in mud cutting out that part of our life ... he's no libido whatsoever

 

on the bright side, it only gets rough when my ovaries start flinging eggs, and I usually can alleviate that problem without outside help :laugh:

[Mr. Lucky]

OP, my sympathies. Yours is a difficult path. It's one of those life experiences which tests the essence of who you are.

I concur. I feel for you because I couldn't do it. I guess that makes me weak and shallow, but at some point I'd have to look elsewhere for the physical part.

 

Are there therapists that specialize in rebuilding relationships when brain damage has occurred? Have you tried thinking outside the box, maybe smoke a little weed together? Perhaps something would help kindle that spark...

 

Mr. Lucky

[carhill]

Yes, there are programs utilizing occupational therapy interspersed with cognitive therapy, along with medications, which can "re-form" a person's psyche damaged by injury or disease. The real work is only in its infancy now, but, someday, such recovery will be as commonplace as that now from heart surgery or a joint replacement. We just don't yet understand the brain in the same way.

 

My bet is the OP's wife had a frontal lobe injury. Bruising, aneurysm, blood mass, clotting, anything which could interrupt the blood flow and oxygen to the area or damage the brain physically. As tissue dies, the cell organization and chemistry which imbues the individual with their "uniqueness" is altered, whether it be intellectually or emotionally or in the realm of sensory perception. The frontal lobe is connected with emotional memory, an essential part of personality.

 

Anyway, bla bla.... this is how I used to be when up in the middle of the night with my mom while she was yelling at the "vent people"...

 

MC really helped with coping. IC or cognitive therapy would've been good if I hadn't had the additional stress of a marriage in the mix. Regardless, the important thing for the OP to remember is he's not alone.

[voldigicam]

I've been noticing that she keeps doing much much better. I'm just gradually burning out. With the weather getting better things will work better. That's been the pattern. I have a hard time with winter these days. The things I've broken complain. My arthritis acts up. I soak my hands in ice water until the pain becomes intense and I'm on the edge of hurting tissue. That helps for a long time. I look around, there are our projects. Part of the house was flooded and we were fixing it up. So many things undone.

 

I know she has to rest. She used to be an evening person. Now she's not a morning person and not an evening person. I strongly suspect that when I can get her exercising with me this will change. She'll get more energy and I'll need more rest!

 

I really noticed yesterday how much better she's getting, how much more emotionally connected she is. The new dog (a little mini-doxie) has helped a great deal. I went into the shop to meet some folks who then canceled. I'm used to it. Just a little tickle of annoyance. These performers and instructors seem to think that retailers should be at their beck and call. Arrgghh. I continued making a bundle of linings for violins. I make violins sometimes. Eventually I went home, and she'd gotten outside, cleaned up some brush and leaves. Good to see her self-motivating a bit.

 

The seafood place called. Our live crawfish were in, so we all went into town. Did a few other errands. She was nicely engaged with everything. I tend to get very engaged with people, she's more shy. Odd for a shy guy, but I'm always being drawn into conversations with people, looking into their world, learning things. I suspect that's my place in the world, to learn things. Learning things from others is a great gift to them I understand now. Teaching others intentionally or not has been a great gift to me. I usually know something worth teaching. Even if I don't know that I know. I figure there's always something to learn every day as well.

 

Lots of the best lessons in my life seem to have come from being completely stripped down. Down to the last bottle of tepid water, the hot blast coming out of the desert, the sand scorching, air shimmering, and learning I can go on, and it's easy when all there is to choose is life or death. Learning that sometimes people will choose their own death over common sense. That most blindness comes from will. That life comes into full glory with surrender to it. That everything eventually gets stripped away, and in the end we're each alone and naked. That learning to let go is the most important lesson. That each lesson tempers the soul and teaches again that grace is the answer, not will.

 

But this has been a difficult thing to surrender to and pass through. I know that grace always comes through. This time it's really stripping me to the bone.

 

We picked up our crawfish. She was cuddly and attentive and laughing, finally laughing. I knew we'd get home, eat dinner, and she'd pass out in front of the TV. I was OK with it. Dropped daughter off at a party.

 

I lightly steamed the crawfish, popped them out of the shells, and made a stock with the shells. Then put together a really nice etouffee. She passed out of course. Eventually, daughter called for a pickup and I went to get her. Came back. Found my son upset in bed, his light on. She hadn't even put him to bed. I kept her company as long as I could, then woke her up to go to sleep. And she's still asleep. That's 12 hours now, with minor interruptions. I don't know whether that's normal or not. I've always been a 7 hour person.

 

Just feels like I'm waiting waiting waiting. A difficult thing for me.

 

I don't see counseling doing anything. It's just talk and tools, and I'm not much good with others' tools.

 

Getting her back into shape is probably the ticket. She gets energy, sleeps less. She's just still got a bit of scaredness of cycling after the wreck.

 

Every now and then I think of what might have been. If I'd checked her pulse and it hadn't been there. If I'd peaked under the edge of her helmet and found glazed open eyes. This is better than that would have been. I was actually very surprised to find a pulse. At the time I presumed she was dead.

 

I'll go split some wood in a minute.

[carhill]

OP, your writing style and perspective reminds me a lot of one of our male members whose wife has Pick's disease, a nasty and rare neurodegenerative disease. He is retired military and retired motor cop from the LAPD. He came to us when overwhelmed by the care process. He, too, never would consider counseling, not because he thought it bad but just knew it wasn't for him. He gained strength from receiving and offering support and hearing some of the lessons our other caregivers had learned. He dealt with it in his own way. He pops in occasionally and everyone is like old friends.

 

Work it out in your own way. Know that resources and help are available. Your wife is a lucky lady

[voldigicam]

I think I may be both lonely and overworked. Maybe I need a vacation.

 

All too typical - She slept on the couch yesterday while I caught up on email and the like. Talked with my son. I went to work. She showed up after a while. Seemed fine, I saw her briefly. She took off.

 

Later, I got home, cleaned things up, did some drywall work. She came home, immediately went to bed. I unloaded and put away groceries, cooked dinner, got the kids happy. She came out, ate dinner, went to sleep on the couch. Eventually I woke her up so she could go to bed.

 

This morning, we spoke for a few moments, and she's asleep on the couch.

 

I realize I simply don't interact with her very much. She's asleep.

 

Or if she's up and awake in the evenings, she's on facebook. I have to IM her to get her attention.

 

It's pretty weird. At least it's warm enough to cycle and I can drag her out.

[voldigicam]

She seems to have really perked up this week. I got her to have sex a couple of times. The anti-depressants make orgasm difficult.

 

A friend suggested nawa shibari. I'm not entirely sure how it worked, but I haven't seen her so engaged and orgasmic in . . . . I don't know. Maybe 8 years? The constraint and stimulation of the ropes seemed to light her up. She wants more. "delicious" "spiritual"

 

I think that's a good sign.

 

Thanks for the support.

[lostsunsets]

vold, There is one anti depressant that doesn't cause you to not be able to orgasm. Welbutrin. It is like the only one. And I'm on it yipee! See if she can change meds

[voldigicam]

She's not on Wellbutrin - although that explains the years of no sex!

 

This one just interferes. She's never been quick to pop.

 

She's still glowing this morning, good to see.

[tami-chan]

You are such an amazing husband/person! Your wife is lucky/blessed to have you in her life. I hope that soon everything will come full circle and your needs too will be taken care of...Inspiring!

[redfathom]

I am recovering from brain surgery from a degenarative nuerological condition I have. I am just a few days over 6 weeks post op and feeling so much better. It really takes time. It's very stressful, before the surgery you are anxious which causes so much stress then after the surgery your emptions are all on overdrive. Your body doesn't know you had surgery, all is knows is that (in my case) your head, muscles, tendodns, nerves, etc were all cut open and part of my skull was removed. All your body knows is that something tramatic has happened.

 

Afterwards so much effort goes into the recovery that your body can't focus on all area's.

 

My husband after surgery was super horney, he was home with me for three weeks and wanted sex or some form of it every other day...really all I wanted was to rest, not to mention I had to try not to move my head and to avoid jerking motions.

 

Anyways, its hard to say no to someone who is taking (great) care of you, so I would give in sometimes. But then I would panic afterwards about my recovey...you don't want anything to go wrong when you're talking about your brain. And the first 6 month are really touch and go.

 

I can't imagine how your wife must have felt going through something SO tramatic, losing herself along the way...but as she comes around she will realize how pateint and loving you have been and will WANT to reward you for that.

 

You have been doing a good job, just hold out for a little longer. The body really can't be rushed...

 

Good luck!

[voldigicam]

I'm discovering another aspect of this. I'm a caregiver. That's a difficulty surmounting. I'm OK with it, but I think that my role is playing into her relationship thing with me somehow.

 

I'm trying to untie that. Any suggestions?

 

This became more clear when she gouged her cornea yesterday (did I mention she's a klutz?") and we popped into caregiver / patient role so easily.

 

Help. No sex 1 week. Too long for me.

[RecordProducer]

Lots of the best lessons in my life seem to have come from being completely stripped down. Down to the last bottle of tepid water, the hot blast coming out of the desert, the sand scorching, air shimmering, and learning I can go on, and it's easy when all there is to choose is life or death. Learning that sometimes people will choose their own death over common sense. That most blindness comes from will. That life comes into full glory with surrender to it. That everything eventually gets stripped away, and in the end we're each alone and naked. That learning to let go is the most important lesson. That each lesson tempers the soul and teaches again that grace is the answer, not will.

This was one of the most beautiful thoughts I've heard lately! Thank you for sharing.

 

 

The physical stuff was hard. I relearned how to cook, drove the kids around, ran the business. Surgery etc. The really hard part was the brain damage. She'd forget stuff and if I mentioned that we'd discussed something already she'd get nasty. She'd be disoriented and deny it. Head injury stuff.

So YOU had a hard time physically because you had to cook and drive the kids around!

You know, if you show her that you want to help her get better because of HER and not because of you or the "us" thing, she'll get there sooner.

[soserious1]

You are such an amazing husband/person! Your wife is lucky/blessed to have you in her life. I hope that soon everything will come full circle and your needs too will be taken care of...Inspiring!

 

And this is exactly the reason that I would want my spouse to place me in a nursing home should I become unable to care for myself.

 

Imagine having to have a spouse caring for you like you were a stupid child, imagine all the people going on and on about what a saint he/she is? Personally, I'd rather be dead or dumped in a nursing home than unable to care for myself and I wouldn't ever want to see a spouse tied to me in a sexless marriage for years and years and years that wouldn't be fair, imho.

 

 

OP, the wife most likely sleeps a lot because the brain is still healing.

[voldigicam]

So YOU had a hard time physically because you had to cook and drive the kids around!

You know, if you show her that you want to help her get better because of HER and not because of you or the "us" thing, she'll get there sooner.

 

No. The physical stuff she couldn't do. So that I had to physically do things that she would have done, and the things that I would have had to do. A huge time crunch, scheduling crunch. I want her to get better because of her. I can see how that wouldn't come across. I really hated to see her not able to do the things she wanted to. She'd offer to drive and I couldn't let her. She'd want to cook and drop things constantly. She wanted so much to do things.

 

Then when she got a bit better, she wanted to ride her bike. Faced the wall of getting back on it. Then a thumb that wouldn't work. Once that was fixed, still the psychological wall. Now she's finally starting to get over that. Every ride and the smile sticks a little better.

 

She's still clearly recovering and is acknowledging the remaining damage and changes more clearly. She's starting to dance with me in the relationship more. The caregiver / patient thing will take a while to unravel.

 

I still worry about her forgetting to fill up the car. She runs out of gas too often. Can't keep her locked up. At least she's realized that she's not doing as well as she thought and doesn't yell at me for "checking up" on her often! I have checked up on her and found her lost, or out of gas, or forgetting to pick up a kid or something.

 

It's been interesting, to say the least!

[soserious1]

No. The physical stuff she couldn't do. So that I had to physically do things that she would have done, and the things that I would have had to do. A huge time crunch, scheduling crunch. I want her to get better because of her. I can see how that wouldn't come across. I really hated to see her not able to do the things she wanted to. She'd offer to drive and I couldn't let her. She'd want to cook and drop things constantly. She wanted so much to do things.

 

Then when she got a bit better, she wanted to ride her bike. Faced the wall of getting back on it. Then a thumb that wouldn't work. Once that was fixed, still the psychological wall. Now she's finally starting to get over that. Every ride and the smile sticks a little better.

 

She's still clearly recovering and is acknowledging the remaining damage and changes more clearly. She's starting to dance with me in the relationship more. The caregiver / patient thing will take a while to unravel.

 

I still worry about her forgetting to fill up the car. She runs out of gas too often. Can't keep her locked up. At least she's realized that she's not doing as well as she thought and doesn't yell at me for "checking up" on her often! I have checked up on her and found her lost, or out of gas, or forgetting to pick up a kid or something.

 

It's been interesting, to say the least!

 

Good christ she must be literally living in hell, being cognitively impaired is bad but being aware enough to sense that you are and must accept having your husband watching over you like a small child? My heart goes out to her.

[RecordProducer]

Good christ she must be literally living in hell, being cognitively impaired is bad but being aware enough to sense that you are and must accept having your husband watching over you like a small child? My heart goes out to her.

Yes, it's terrible for the entire family. Very sad. I hope she recovers completely.

[voldigicam]

She's really up and down on this stuff.

 

Yesterday she bounced back from her corneal abrasion (she is really a klutz!!) and was super. Lively, engaged, a bit tired, but really got into our son's birthday. Remembered everything. Actually smiled, snuggled, happy. Wanted sex, orgasmed without drugs, snuggled.

 

Made me realize what we had before. I hope it sticks. She gets better and better rapidly when improvements like this happen. I'm thinking it was the best since her accident. Who knows what happened. Maybe she finally got enough rest. Or pouring percodan and hydrocodone or whatever those pills were through her was good!

 

Enjoy what you've got. Everything subject to change.

 

I didn't even have to tie her up for her to be happy.

 

Pretty weird. Like a switch turning on. Nice to know she's still in there.

[sally4sara]

I think its refreshing to read about a husband tending to his wife's health; so often it is the other way around. Is it easier to do it yourself because of the flirty relationships you have outside of your marriage?

I have a female friend that is doing the caretaker deal and its taking a toll on her. She is being the dutiful and faithful wife with no one coming in the home but once a month. Her man had a stroke and his rehab is going slow but steady.

 

Is the extramarital stuff what makes it easier to bare or do you have a professional, like a nurse, helping you too?