Sex and wife's recovery from accident

[voldigicam]

I don't know that it's easier because of this or that or the other.

 

The flirty online relationships keep a bit of spark going. I'd go through periods of a couple of weeks feeling simply numb. One thing after another, wouldn't make any difference. I'd finish the dishes at 1 am and curl up on the couch, start again at 5:30. Much of it is the time. She'd sleep until 9:30, work a bit and do some shopping, then fall asleep at 6:30 on the couch. Sleep half of Saturday and Sunday. The alone time was really hard. Difficult.

 

Today again, it's still like a switch has been thrown. Woke up earlier and was walking straight, without any stagger. Didn't nap for hours after breakfast. We walked about 3 miles today. She even used a push scooter a little and didn't fall off or hit anything. And is still lively at 8 PM. Playing with the bird.

 

I really like having her around and not asleep!!!

 

Maybe she'll start going out and having fun. It has been hell to get her out in the evenings.

 

And nobody has helped us much at all except our attorney. He only got involved after the statute of limitations was about to run. So we had to sue.

 

She even wants to go out on her bike again. Which is great. And is getting bodywork to straighten out the kinks. Maybe her bodyworker can get her face working better. She's still a bit crooked, but she doesn't drool. I think only I can tell she doesn't talk as well as she used to.

 

One problem has been that she can mostly pull herself together for others, but then falls apart. Even early last week this was happening. Now - wow. What a difference. She's gotten out in the sun more, so maybe the extra sun etc who knows.

 

I don't know what to think. Holding my breath. Maybe it will stick! She hugged me twice today on her own, which is . . . . I don't know. Maybe before the wreck. weird. I like it.

[Liquid]

Does she know that you have been seeing a hooker? You need to be honest about things like these.

[Ginger79]

Does she know that you have been seeing a hooker? You need to be honest about things like these.

 

Actually, the "need to be honest" is a subjective moral value. Everyone have their own set of moral values and I think in this situation, taking this advice would come with its own set of dire consequences. With the wife recovering from such a traumatic experience, in my opinion, it is not the best thing to lump another potentially emotionally draining and consuming knowledge/ disclosure etc. on her just to ease the guilt or blindly following "the right thing to do."

 

Just like in any sort of medical emergencies or conditions, there is a suggested protocol for things and there are considerations outside the protocol. It's your own life, your own experience...only you know what is best for you and your relationship with your wife.

 

Good luck with everything! Recovery and rehabilitation is very difficult. Lots of relationships are tested and found to be wanting in such circumstances. I'm so happy to read about one where the SO sticks around!

[voldigicam]

Just an update.

 

She seems to be 85% fine. More energy, working on the house, less sleeping. Paying attention to work. Still slow, but picking up speed. Smiling lots. Hugging. Cuddling. Cooking. Hasn't run out of gas or crashed the car. Seems to be remembering almost anything. Thinking of cycling on her own again.

 

So this is a remarkable change. Really over the last three weeks.

 

She's even become interested in sex. Sometimes without pot. Which is another remarkable thing.

 

So maybe she's turned the corner.

 

As to my outside private lives - I've shut those down, except for one female confidant, who isn't a lover, but a quite different intermittent companion. And that's been accepted by my wife, once I pointed out that I never comment on or attempt to control her friends or outside activities. With the exception of dangerous or illegal ones. She pointed out that I like all her friends and approve of them. I had to point out that some I can't stand and she never asked for, nor did she need, my approval! That apparently sank in.

 

Will be interesting to see whether this sticks. She's still klutzy. The only person I know to paper cut an eye (see the Mad TV skit on that?). She still tends to start things and not finish, and needs a moderate amount of management. But she's accepting that management well and acknowledging how she's been. Such a change from 18 months ago, when food would drop out of her mouth and she'd drool. And from even 6 months ago, when she would still run out of gas, forget groceries in the car, and sleep 12 hours or more a day.

 

If she can keep away from head injuries (this was no.4 - previous ones included a skull break and a broken neck) she seems likely to recover well. She's getting pain in the damaged parts of her face, too, which is annoying I'm sure, but superior to numb. I see her using the injured parts of her hands without flinching, too.

 

The amount and rate of change is remarkable. I know she noticed my exhaustion and difficulty ceasing being a caregiver. I suspect this provided some incentive.

 

And liquid, you need to acknowledge that other people may run their lives differently than you do. Making suggestions or observations may prove useful. Directing others in what to do from some higher ground position rarely proves effective.

[Admiral]

She's always had a bit of a reserved attitude about sex, but been very good at it, and enough quality & quantity. Difficult with kids around, ups and downs, but really just fine.

 

Almost 2 years ago I watched her fall, hit, and lie still. Very surprised to find her alive. Face smashed in, other damage, and disoriented, but alive.

 

The physical stuff was hard. I relearned how to cook, drove the kids around, ran the business. Surgery etc. The really hard part was the brain damage. She'd forget stuff and if I mentioned that we'd discussed something already she'd get nasty. She'd be disoriented and deny it. Head injury stuff. Disconnected from us emotionally. She tried hard, but it was slow. Then the depression built. Her memory abilities got better and she got better dealing with the loss. But the depression was bad. She got on a drug and is getting better and better.

 

No sex. That's it. Emotional distance for a long time during the recovery. Now the emotional connection is rebuilding, but she has no sex drive at all. Period. Except suddenly and rarely. Then it's gone. She'll snuggle and flirt all day, pass out in front of the TV and go to bed. Part of it, if not most of it, is the side effect of the drug for depression. I'd like her to get off them, but the doctor indicates it's a little early.

 

I feel almost sucked dry through this whole thing. Has been a great deal of worry. And I have to wonder whether I've given up, and am getting OK with just having her as a friend rather than a lover. It's weird and hard to get my mind around. I love having her more and more back. But I don't understand why the sex part doesn't have more impact on us. I don't feel like I've given up, but that I've transitioned somehow.

 

And I want to transition back. I really have a hard time even approaching her now in a sexual way. Sort of been trained to not ask. Weird.

 

Any observations/suggestions/experiences?

 

Divorce her and put her in a government care facility.

 

You are supposed to be in a marriage for fun and because you like her, not because you want to care for a brain damaged semi-vegetable.

 

It will ruin your life. Hers in already ruined. Cut your losses and move on.

 

You said she gets "nasty". If your wife is nasty to you, you should divorce her. YOUR wife has NO excuse. None at all.

 

Just because she has brain damage, doesn't mean you have to put up with her.

[Admiral]

Does she know that you have been seeing a hooker? You need to be honest about things like these.

 

No, you don't. Men need sex.

 

I don't know what to think. Holding my breath. Maybe it will stick! She hugged me twice today on her own, which is . . . . I don't know. Maybe before the wreck. weird. I like it.

 

YAY! You're getting a hugs from a woman - oh wait, you're MARRIED to her.

 

You aren't her therapist.

[carhill]

Probably short-sighted to consider ones personal needs to be everyone's needs. OP, thanks for the update. One caregiver to another, I admire your patience. Each day is a new day