A message to any woman suffering abuse from a male partner...

[Nikki Sahagin]

I just wanted to write a message directed to any women on this forum who are suffering emotional/mental/physical/sexual abuse from a partner. I realise men and women suffer from abuse and not always in the context of a romantic relationship but this is the situation closest to my heart, so this is the situation I have chosen to speak on.

 

Firstly...one of the greatest fallacies the abused believes, is that they are somehow a bad person, are guilty and deserve what is happening to them. This is completely untrue. The truth is, that you are suffering in this way for the opposite reasons - because you are a GOOD person, a kind person and often an innocent person. You may be being punished for a mistake you made in the past but it is not for ANYONE to punish you. As human beings we learn from our mistakes and feel guilt for ourselves and then change and grow. The mistakes of the past cannot be held against us in the present or the future. Otherewise we are not being given the opportunity to grow and develop into better people if the past and punishment is constantly held over our heads. If you are with a partner who is punishing you for a mistake - realise they have NO right, whatever your mistake may have been. They had the choice to forgive you or walk away from the relationship but not to stay with you and punish you.

 

If they are abusing you for NO apparant reason then it is about control. ANY abusive person similarly to a bully is secretly VERY weak, insecure, lacks identity and is highly fearful. They reduce you to the same state as them so that they can become strong. By making YOU fearful they then feel powerful. If a man hits you once and you walk away - he then is reduced to being weak again. If he hits you once and you stay - he then feels powerful. Equality enables people to feel respected and equally powerful and important. In abusive relationships, one person attempts to control their own fears and inadequecies by attempting to become the more powerful partner. If you are unafraid, you choose to be equal, because you have no fear in that person taking from your strength or independence. If you are afraid, you cannot bear to feel equal to your partner because it simply makes you feel weak. These people thrive on CONTROL but they are victims themselves of their own fear.

 

You must realise THEY are the weaker ones. YOU are not. People often stay NOT for weak reasons. They stay for love. Many people I do actually believe are capable of an unconditional love. They will put up with abuse, being cheated on or lied to, not purely because they are dependent or weak people - often they are very brave and courageous to put up with what they do - BUT BECAUSE THEY LOVE, so deeply that they feel they should and could put up with anything just for the sake of love. THIS IS NOT WEAKNESS. Love is not weakness. But finding love for yourself over the abuser is key.

 

To any women who are afraid to leave a violent partner, understand, you are like birds in cages. No matter how these men have made you feel; ugly, worthless, insecure, afraid, powerless, dependent, despised, unlovable, unimportant, incompetent, useless - YOU ARE NONE OF THESE THINGS. If you were, why would they be trying so hard to control and keep you? They are making you believe this so that you will stay with them and they will never lose you. Would a man really stay with a woman he thought had all of these negative qualities? No. But he must make her believe this so that he can't lose her. These men are truly weak because they are ruled by the fear of losing you. As such THEY need YOU. YOU do not need them. These psychological and emotional games go deep but as you begin to realise the truth, you can find the strength.

 

You may feel you have no more strength left inside of you but YOU DO. It is the strength that gets you through every day, that keeps you there every day. It isn't weak to stay, it is strong. So don't feel you are not strong.

 

I know so many women who have been through this. Some of them didn't escape it. But the ones that have found peace, happiness and FREEDOM are the ones that did. One friend rolled a die on a map and wherever it landed, she moved. This might be too much for many - but every human life deserves love, deserves peace and deserves care. NEVER ALLOW SOMEONE TO ABUSE YOU. You are all whether you can believe it or not, beautiful, pure, kind and good people. These are often the people that suffer in life. But you DO deserve more and you can have it. Use that strength that gets you through each day and find your way free.

 

I just felt really motivated to write this message. Women are beautiful creatures capable of creating life and giving endless love. Many in this world will try to abuse this good nature in part because they NEED it to feel worthy and in part because they are envious they are not capable of the same. Men often, as much as they can call women weak, NEED the love, care and support of women to feel like men, to feel like anything. All men come from little boys remember that - who cried to mummy and needed their nose wiping. Some men do not change. They still need that 'mummy' figure. But women can have the chance to grow from little girls into women; who have the power and strength to become mothers to others, and who do not need to constantly be looked after.

 

To all women on these boards who may be suffering - be strong and be proud to be a woman. Never be ground down for your ability to love and care for others - but put that love and care to YOURSELVES.

[quankanne]

very eloquently put, Nikki – I'm printing this out and saving it for a family member who keeps choosing to go back to her abuser, at risk of her children's safety ...