He doesnt want to get too attached

[4givrnt4gtr]

Last night I had a conversation with my SO.

 

We've been dating for 2 months and so far it has been amazing. He is super sweet, loving, respectful and very very considerate in many ways.

Unfortunately we've been lacking a bit on the sex department. As in, we mess around, and as I said he is very considerate, but when it comes down to actual intercourse, he seems a bit reticent. Lets just say in two months we've had sex 4 times

 

So last night we were messing around a bit and he told me that if I made him some dinner maybe we could have desert afterwards, wink wink.

 

Well, we had dinner and then we started messing around. I already know when we're gonna have sex and when we arent by what we are doing, so I was a bit dissappointed when it was leading into the no sex direction.

Afterwards i said "you dont like sex much do you?"

 

Well that spured a whooole conversation about a lot of issues i think we've both have been kinda avoiding. Bassically, he is supposed to move 7 hours away for grad school in August. So last night when i asked him about the whole sex thing he told me that it just made him nervous because, 1. he cannot have an accidental pregnancy right now...not with all the things he is about to start up. 2. sex is something special for him, and he feels that the more we do it, the more attached he is going to get, and he doesnt want to have to deal with that void once he is in school.

 

That set off alarm bells right there. I asked him if that meant he would break us up when he moved. He said 2 months into the relationship was too hard to tell, that long distance relationships were hard and it depended on how close we are to each other at that point. But that the uncertainty bugged him, to not know what was going to happen, so it scared him to get too close.

 

I asked him why he asked me out then and he said that he knew we could have something good and he enjoyed being with me. That he didnt think it was fair to miss out on the possibility of something good, out of fear of what may or may not happen in the future.

 

We continued talking and we agreed that ending the relationship over an event that may or may not happen (he mentioned that he didnt know whether he will actually leave in 8 months) would be silly. He asked me what i wanted to do, and I asked him how he felt. He said he wanted to continue with our relationship, and that he would feel a bit cheated if I decided to end it because of that wall in the horizon.

 

So, we agreed to continue it...however im now very nervous about his detachment, and what it means. Like this morning I just felt like he was hugging me and kissing me because thats what he felt he was supposed to do, not because he actually felt it.

 

I really dont know how to take all this, or what to do about it....Please help me figure out what to do...on one hand I really like this guy, he's treated me really well and has shown me and given me everything I wanted in a relationship. On the other hand, im not sure I can continue with a relationship knowing he isnt 100% in it....I feel its a bit unfair to me....even if its out of fear.

 

What should i do????? please help!

[carhill]

Ask him what kind of a relationship he was expecting to have, with anyone, once he goes away to school.

 

I just don't get people who know they're leaving using other people for filler until they do. It's one thing if it's an unknown and unanticipated event. He's "expecting" to move but "doesn't know for sure if it will happen yet". Marvelous. Puts you right into your comfort zone, I'm sure....

 

Did he make his intentions regarding moving away and starting school and having all his proverbial ducks in a row clear in the beginning; clear in the sense that you knew ahead of time that this would become a long distance relationship if it worked out? If he did, and you agreed, then it's lookie in mirror time.

 

If other, then try this. Ask him what he wants in the here and now. If you want to continue, you'll both have to accept the future for what it is and live today. Either he's in or out. If fear of pregnancy is making his weenie shrivel, he's in for a long life of flaccid weenie. Science can help him, but I would imagine even a high school dropout can figure that out, right

 

Sorry for the sarcasm. It just irritates me when guys piss away good ladies at the altar of themselves.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ask him what kind of a relationship he was expecting to have, with anyone, once he goes away to school.

 

I just don't get people who know they're leaving using other people for filler until they do. It's one thing if it's an unknown and unanticipated event. He's "expecting" to move but "doesn't know for sure if it will happen yet". Marvelous. Puts you right into your comfort zone, I'm sure....

 

Did he make his intentions regarding moving away and starting school and having all his proverbial ducks in a row clear in the beginning; clear in the sense that you knew ahead of time that this would become a long distance relationship if it worked out? If he did, and you agreed, then it's lookie in mirror time.

 

If other, then try this. Ask him what he wants in the here and now. If you want to continue, you'll both have to accept the future for what it is and live today. Either he's in or out. If fear of pregnancy is making his weenie shrivel, he's in for a long life of flaccid weenie. Science can help him, but I would imagine even a high school dropout can figure that out, right

 

Sorry for the sarcasm. It just irritates me when guys piss away good ladies at the altar of themselves.

 

 

The problem isnt that i dont want to have a LDR. Actually, I wouldnt mind it with the right person, and thats what i told him. We both knew he was going to leave, and I asked him if that meant we would break up and he said not necessarily, so i was fine with that.

 

The problem is that, i guess in a weird way, he isnt sure we would be attached enough by the time he has to leave to have a LDR work out. He wants to, but he doesnt know (nor can he really, at this point) if its going to work out.

Is very paradoxical really. He is afraid we wont be attached enough, so he is avoinding sex in order to not get too attach so he doesnt get hurt, yet he hopes itll work out.

Im not really sure how to go about dealing with this...when I heard that, i translated it to "i dont want to fall in love with you...im doing all i can to avoid that" which really hurt. Yet, why in the world would you want to keep dating and treat me like he treats me if he doesnt actually want to, or already is falling in love with me. It just makes no sense and it makes me suspicious of the things he does.

[carhill]

Since I tend to make things way more complicated than they need to be :D

 

Keep it simple....what do YOU want? Does your analysis of his words and actions lead you to believe he can give you what you want from a relationship, right now? Proceed

[4givrnt4gtr]

Since I tend to make things way more complicated than they need to be :D

 

Keep it simple....what do YOU want? Does your analysis of his words and actions lead you to believe he can give you what you want from a relationship, right now? Proceed

 

 

What do I want?? hm...well i want him to be in the relationship 100%, whatever that might mean at the stage we are at. I dont want him to be one foot out the door because of what might happen later.

So far he's given me everything I want, until yesterday night I was extremely happy thinking i found someone that likes me just the way I want to be liked and treats me the way I want to be treated. Now im wondering if its all an act, something he does because he thinks thats what he needs to do. After all, if he truly is trying to not be too attached his behavior cant be more than just an act, and that just kills me.

[ddraper]

I am sure you are having a good time with this guy but there are a few things that will prove to be problematic later on. For one, the way he talks about sex, relationships and such, seems like that he will eventually get very attached, almost to the point of being needy. Once that happens you may be able to deal with it for a little while, but it will certainly get annoying and can make this new relationship fizzle rather quickly. What you should try to talk to him about, and as delicately as possible, is how he needs to man up. What I mean by this is that I foresee problems that will cause you to fall out of attraction for him. He needs to stop laying himself on the line constantly. Its sweet and enduring for a time, then, when he sees that its eliciting a positive response from you. He'll start to do it more and more. Which eventually leads to you being pushed away for he is no longer a challenge for you. You seem to like him, so try to keep the attraction thing going. Your move.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I am sure you are having a good time with this guy but there are a few things that will prove to be problematic later on. For one, the way he talks about sex, relationships and such, seems like that he will eventually get very attached, almost to the point of being needy. Once that happens you may be able to deal with it for a little while, but it will certainly get annoying and can make this new relationship fizzle rather quickly. What you should try to talk to him about, and as delicately as possible, is how he needs to man up. What I mean by this is that I foresee problems that will cause you to fall out of attraction for him. He needs to stop laying himself on the line constantly. Its sweet and enduring for a time, then, when he sees that its eliciting a positive response from you. He'll start to do it more and more. Which eventually leads to you being pushed away for he is no longer a challenge for you. You seem to like him, so try to keep the attraction thing going. Your move.

 

 

hmmm interesting take. I dont really agree with it though because people, specially men,when they dont want to get attached, they are very good at compartamentalizing and not get attached at all. He said last night thats what more or less he is doing, to not attached himself too much, out of fear.

I guess Ive been in this situation before, where the guy told me he was slow to get attached, specially because he was nervous about what his family would think. i took a chance on it, thinking that eventually he would get inevitably attached, and the silly worries about his family would evaporate. Well a year an half later he still had those worries, despite how physically affectionate he was. I realized he was never going to let himself get too close. So im afraid Im dealing with the same thing again.

 

I could only hope for a man to really feel close to me and want me for the long term. Im tired of always losing and end up being more invested than they are. When he said he was kinda taking it slow my heart dropped because I thought we were both feeling the same connection and truly giving the relationship our best....guess not.

[ddraper]

hmmm interesting take. I dont really agree with it though because people, specially men,when they dont want to get attached, they are very good at compartamentalizing and not get attached at all. He said last night thats what more or less he is doing, to not attached himself too much, out of fear.

I guess Ive been in this situation before, where the guy told me he was slow to get attached, specially because he was nervous about what his family would think. i took a chance on it, thinking that eventually he would get inevitably attached, and the silly worries about his family would evaporate. Well a year an half later he still had those worries, despite how physically affectionate he was. I realized he was never going to let himself get too close. So im afraid Im dealing with the same thing again.

 

I could only hope for a man to really feel close to me and want me for the long term. Im tired of always losing and end up being more invested than they are. When he said he was kinda taking it slow my heart dropped because I thought we were both feeling the same connection and truly giving the relationship our best....guess not.

 

The points you've illustrated to me have only further cemented my point. Specifically, "He said last night thats what more or less he is doing, to not attached himself too much, out of fear." To me that signals a guy who is not really sure of himself and "needs" someone to help him to do things. Again, I am not trying to be harsh here, its just what I am seeing. Yes, true, some guys have a hard time getting attached. Those are usually guys who are emotionally unavailable. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. In your case, he does show he is available for that because of what he talked about last night. Yet, I would venture he shared a little too much about that and its starting to make you wonder. Also, you're still only two months in, so that type of exposure is still endearing. But, like I said in my previous post, you will eventually tire of that. So, what needs to happen is he has to decide, what he is doing. In other words, he has to man up. What seems to eb happening is you're holding his hand through this process. Which, like I said earlier, you will find unattractive in the long run. You seem to like him and he seems to like you, so work on fixing those issues, they will be much better in the long run. Your move.

[4givrnt4gtr]

The points you've illustrated to me have only further cemented my point. Specifically, "He said last night thats what more or less he is doing, to not attached himself too much, out of fear." To me that signals a guy who is not really sure of himself and "needs" someone to help him to do things. Again, I am not trying to be harsh here, its just what I am seeing. Yes, true, some guys have a hard time getting attached. Those are usually guys who are emotionally unavailable. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. In your case, he does show he is available for that because of what he talked about last night. Yet, I would venture he shared a little too much about that and its starting to make you wonder. Also, you're still only two months in, so that type of exposure is still endearing. But, like I said in my previous post, you will eventually tire of that. So, what needs to happen is he has to decide, what he is doing. In other words, he has to man up. What seems to eb happening is you're holding his hand through this process. Which, like I said earlier, you will find unattractive in the long run. You seem to like him and he seems to like you, so work on fixing those issues, they will be much better in the long run. Your move.

 

Hmmmm i see. So bassically what you are saying is that my worry shouldnt be that he wont be attached but that he is too attached???? hm...... interesting theory.... I kinda see what you mean...wow that just puts a whole new spin to the deal....

[ddraper]

I just want to see you guys keep going at it. Seems like a very good thing for the both you and I would hate to see that slip away. I am sure he has some good attractive qualities, otherwise, why would you still be with him. So, I would just try ease up on the self exposure needy things and work on increasing the attraction, which, on both ends will lead you to more, "intimate" encounters. And, then when he does have to go away or whatever you'll have a solid foundation to work from which will make the distance easier, yet at the same time harder, because you'll just want to see each other. Again, increasing the attraction and good feelings.

[4givrnt4gtr]

I just want to see you guys keep going at it. Seems like a very good thing for the both you and I would hate to see that slip away. I am sure he has some good attractive qualities, otherwise, why would you still be with him. So, I would just try ease up on the self exposure needy things and work on increasing the attraction, which, on both ends will lead you to more, "intimate" encounters. And, then when he does have to go away or whatever you'll have a solid foundation to work from which will make the distance easier, yet at the same time harder, because you'll just want to see each other. Again, increasing the attraction and good feelings.

 

wow...you're good

 

Seriously though, thanks for giving me another angle to look at the situation.

Ive been thinking about what you've said and the whole sex issue makes a lot more sense from that perspective. However, it doesnt seem like a good idea to put pressure for us to have sex. He doesnt seem comfortable with it though, and unfortunately it makes me feel a bit.....rejected.

What do you suggest I do regarding that issue? I mean since you say we should increase attraction and good feelings and stuff...

[MN randomguy]

Is very paradoxical really. He is afraid we wont be attached enough, so he is avoinding sex in order to not get too attach so he doesnt get hurt, yet he hopes itll work out.

Im not really sure how to go about dealing with this...when I heard that, i translated it to "i dont want to fall in love with you...im doing all i can to avoid that" which really hurt. Yet, why in the world would you want to keep dating and treat me like he treats me if he doesnt actually want to, or already is falling in love with me. It just makes no sense and it makes me suspicious of the things he does.

 

He could be genuine. Probably been burned pretty bad in the past. You seem to think that sex is necessary for your relationship to advance. If he moves away and you have a LDR you'll have to have a relationship that works without frequent sex. If he gets attached to you through sex. He moves away, the sex dries up, the relationship dries up and he gets the opportunity for local sex. Bad ending. Maybe he's trying to avoid that.

 

Read some of the stuff about LDRs in that area of the forums. What works, what doesn't. If its what you're planning on try to emulate what works.

[ddraper]

To give you an adequate suggestion, give me a better idea what he is like as a person. From there I can figure out how you can amp all this up and get things on track, like you want.

[4givrnt4gtr]

He could be genuine. Probably been burned pretty bad in the past. You seem to think that sex is necessary for your relationship to advance. If he moves away and you have a LDR you'll have to have a relationship that works without frequent sex. If he gets attached to you through sex. He moves away, the sex dries up, the relationship dries up and he gets the opportunity for local sex. Bad ending. Maybe he's trying to avoid that.

 

Read some of the stuff about LDRs in that area of the forums. What works, what doesn't. If its what you're planning on try to emulate what works.

Yup he's been burned to a crisp before...not too long ago actually...he is struggling with trust issues regarding being hurt because of this....

I see your point. I guess part of the hurt is that all those things he said last night played on some of my own insecurities and past hurts...

About the sex...yes i guess i do think that without sex there's not much that would differentiate our relationship from a close friendship, but thinking more on it lately I realize that I am probably dead wrong about that.

thanks for your input, it was very insightful

[LeroyJose]

for me you should prepare.. that's an alarm, you're right. better hope for the best but expect for the worse.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Alright! So i talked to him this morning face to face. Told him how i was feeling and the parts of our conversation I was taking pretty hard.

He clarified a lot of what he said, and reassured me he really liked me but he is trying hard to not rush in (which btw ddraper remidended me of what you said).

 

We also talked about sex and figured out a way to make sure he is more comfortable with it.

 

We had an amazing saturday and I think we both felt much closer having had that open discussion...

 

Happy days...

[SoulSearch_CO]

I would have been pretty insulted that I was good enough to have sex with and have a relationship with for right now - but he's just not quite sure on down the road. That's basically what he said to you. I agree with Carhill - you're filler and he's using you. For him to keep up the supposed relationship to just wait and see if he'll get attached enough - sounds like he's dangling the bait to keep you around so he can be occupied until he heads off to school. How romantic.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I think it is a lot more simply than it seems. He wants someone in his life, but doesn't want to make a committed relationship out of it at this point in his life. The pregnancy thing is a clear indication of how he feels about the whole deal: he doesn't want any real ties to you and intends to walk away when the time is right. His priority is his career path right now.

 

Why no sex? I don't think he fears that he will get too attached. I think he fears that you will.

[OpenBook]

There is another possibility. He could have a sexual dysfunction, and so he explained all the other stuff about "fear of getting attached" as a smokescreen for it. Men would rather die than be known as unable to perform sexually. I personally do not know of any men who think (let alone voice their concerns) about "fear of getting attached." So that's why I think it might be something else.

[carhill]

Does "fear of getting attached" substantially equal "fear of commitment"?

[MN randomguy]

I would have been pretty insulted that I was good enough to have sex with and have a relationship with for right now - but he's just not quite sure on down the road. That's basically what he said to you. I agree with Carhill - you're filler and he's using you. For him to keep up the supposed relationship to just wait and see if he'll get attached enough - sounds like he's dangling the bait to keep you around so he can be occupied until he heads off to school. How romantic.

 

 

If this was the case. Why wouldn't he just keep his mouth shut and take the lovin' that was offered to him. Filler relationship plus sex trumps filler relationship hold the sex in my book.

[salmagundi]

seriously,speaking as a guy, Lucrezia Borgia nailed it... I think you should move on. I'm trying to think of a reason I would be happy having sex like four times in a whole month with someone I was really into and...I'm not coming up with one that makes any sense...

[sand26]

I am sure you are having a good time with this guy but there are a few things that will prove to be problematic later on. For one, the way he talks about sex, relationships and such, seems like that he will eventually get very attached, almost to the point of being needy. Once that happens you may be able to deal with it for a little while, but it will certainly get annoying and can make this new relationship fizzle rather quickly. What you should try to talk to him about, and as delicately as possible, is how he needs to man up. What I mean by this is that I foresee problems that will cause you to fall out of attraction for him. He needs to stop laying himself on the line constantly. Its sweet and enduring for a time, then, when he sees that its eliciting a positive response from you. He'll start to do it more and more. Which eventually leads to you being pushed away for he is no longer a challenge for you. You seem to like him, so try to keep the attraction thing going. Your move.

DUDE!!!!

DDraper???? like Don Draper? From sterling cooper?? you make me so happy!!!! this is the best screen name ever, everyone should watch "mad men"; it is a good look into the mans mind.

 

keep on living the good life boss.

 

 

 

the mfk

[4givrnt4gtr]

Thanks for the replies.

 

As I said i talked to him on saturday morning about the conversation we had had and bassically what I heard him saying which was bothering me. I told him i would tell him exactly what I "heard" him say and to correct me if I had distorted it.

 

First I told him how when he said sex to him was special and he had to do it in the right time and the right circumstances I bassically heard that I wasnt special enough for him to have sex with me.

 

He said that what he had meant a few things by that. One was that on a day to day basis he sometimes didnt feel physically fit and was a bit embarrased so he wanted to get more fit so he could be more confident. Another thing that he meant was that our circumstances were difficult and that to him sex was something he wanted to do with someone he had a good percent of certainty would stick around for the long run and with our situation that cerntainty isnt there. However, he realized that it made me feel a bit rejected and so he was going to try to get a grip on his fear and let down the guard a bit. Also, regarding pregnancy, we agreed to communicate more openly so he could feel a bit less aprehensive.

 

(btw the whole thing about how him not wanting me getting pregnant means he really doesnt want to have permanent ties with him is a bit off. I dont want to get pregnany either, for sure, no matter how much i want him. I am in the middle of a graduate program and a pregnancy would be disastrous for both of us)

 

I also told him how he had said he might be trying to remain a bit detached. HOw that to me sounded he had one foot in and one foot out and didnt want to get attach to me at all. He said that what that meant was that he is trying to not get attached rigth away, after two months because thats what he tends to do. In the past that has proven a horrible mistake, when the girls he gets close to dump him or cheat on him. So he wants to go against his nature this time, take his time, and not fall so hard and so fast for the sake of us both since he tends to get too clingy when that happens and the girl isnt on the same page. THat it didnt mean he didnt want to get attached. He knew he was going to, but he wanted to do it gradually.

 

At the end of the conversation he hugged me really tight, told me that next time i had any doubts about his feelings for me to remember the two songs he had dedicated to me, there was no way he liked me and a lot.

[2sure]

 

When I read your initial post I thought to myself: This guy has a problem with intimacy/sex . I thought this because, as sensitive as any man can be - when sex is an option, they take it. I also like to take peoples words at face value - so I didnt offer any reply in the event I was waayy wrong.

 

But the above quote from your last post speaks volumes. Dont make light of it even in your own mind. It takes a lot for a guy to admit he is insecure of either his physique or his prowess. So, he did. And believe him - men can be worse than women in their physical insecurities. Tell him he is hot, let him know how attracted you are to specific physical things about his body...and he will get comfortable sooner.