Boyfriend (ex?) off on a trip, and won't make me guarentees...

[Lonely]

Hi there,

 

Just needed a spot to talk about this... I googled and this came up.

 

I have (had?) a boyfriend, I love him very much, but its a long distance relationship. It's been odd since the beginning. Before he was with me, we were just friends. He was with someone for 5 or 6 years (on and off), she got pregnant, by him. While she was pregnant, she was being compleatly abstinant. This drove him nuts, and he may have ended up having sex with a family members girlfriend. I say may have, becuase he told me he did way back then, but later after we got together, denied it, and said they never got past just touching. I also know during this time he was having atleast 1 cyber relationship. Later when she was about 6 months pregnant, they broke up. He's always been a good father to the child, however that situation would always leave a bad taste in his mouth.

 

About 6 months after his baby was born, I ended up falling for him (against what I knew was my better judgement), unfortuatly he lives about 19 hours away, which makes things a bit awkward.

 

We got together, were doing great, then about 6 months later he decides to move to my country, however the location he chooses is still 15 hours away from me, just in a different direction, so that didn't exactly make things any easier. After much contimplation, I break up with him, becuase he was there becuase of me, even if it was compleatly illogical, I wasn't ready to move somewhere where neither of us had proper jobs either, but mostly I didn't think it was right that he was away from his child, over me. So we broke up.

 

He moves back, and about a month later he contacts me and still wants to work something out, and I still love him, so I agree. 6 months go by and we start talking about me moving down there. At this time, he asks me some personal stuff, about my past. I reluctantly tell him, stuff that I'm not too proud of, and he throws a fit, insults me horribly, hurts me, and breaks up with me. A week later we get back together but I'm still feeling kinda betrayed.

 

More time passes and we start talking about me moving again, I consider it, we make plans, but I'm still feeling kinda scared since the stuff I know about his past, and the way he hurt me... that I put off our plans, some more time passes and I agree to go again, but freak out at the last minute and cancel. Hurt him bad, we break up, get back together. During this breakup he admitted to cybering someone while we were apart, hurt me, but I put it off as just cyber.

 

From this point on... we fight a lot, he stops coming to see me, it just degrades, were still together, but talk about moving to each other is few and far between, about a month ago, he tells me that we need to get together or else and he wants me there in a week and a half. Obviously that was impossible on short notice, he wanted me to go to some party with him that weekend. So we talk about it, and he tells me I have untill he goes on a trip to vegas (today) 'or else'. Well that gives me about a month, so its enough time. He goes to this party alone, and meets this girl, lets call her Sarah, he posts this in his public form thing... he talks about how cool she is and how they get along so well, so I freak a little bit and he assures me that I'm just being nuts.

 

Over the next couple weeks he goes on about Sarah repeatadly, always going out with her 'as friends' and whenever we talk about 'us' hes always negative, saying that I'm not going to come and we won't get together. I assure him, and make plans, book tickets, but he just keeps saying I won't come, and mentally it just gets harder and harder on me. All this time I'm hearing about him out with Sarah.

 

On Monday, were talking, and he tells me he needs to be honest with me, I say okay and he tells me that on the weekend, a remote contrator for his company (lets call her Kristy), asked him if he would be her date for the company christmas party, and that he could show her aronud town. Which is interesting in itself becuase he had no time for me over the weekend, wasn't online at all (that I saw), and was too busy to talk. He apparantly told her that he'd think about it, rather then just saying no (remeber my tickets to be with him are booked, and I'm supposed to be there wednesday). So I get majorally pissed off about that and argue with him, try and make him see why I'm upset, and in the end of the conversation, he breaks up with me, and I cancel my tickets.

 

Talk to him again on Wednesday, and try and make up with him, and he just keeps on telling me, were just friends now, I ask him about still getting together, and he says "We will if you come" (well I could have if I didn't cancel my tickets grr), I ask him about assurance in the meantime, (becuase I can't afford to pay last minute costs) and he says "I can't assure you, this is how things are now, and were just friends". So I leave Wednesday majorally confused. Talk to him Thursday a few times, we argue a bit, I get frustrated that he won't show any sign of wanting me. He tells me, (in interests of being honest) that he told Kristy 'yes') I bite my tounge becuase I don't want to fight... and we talk about life a little... and he makes the statement "If things with Sarah works out, thats going to be awkward with Kristy".

 

At that point my temper just flared, I think he was trying to bait me... but I got majorally pissed, try to get clarification, and he says that he has an interest in Sarah, but there isn't anything mutal, there just hanging out and doing sports and stuff.

 

We take a break, I need to collect my thoughts, we come back and talk at night, he's not talking much becuase hes busy getting packed for his trip. He agrees to me, that he'll tell Kristy that he can't do it, and that he'll cut contact with Sarah, if I come on Monday... now at that time I'm feeling really hurt, and lonely, and I'm willing to just put the ticket on my credit card. However I ask him to assure me that nothing sexual is going to happen while he's in Vegas. His responce is "Were not together so I can't promise that". I try to explain how I can't bring myself to come to him, while I'm wondering if hes been doing something like that. He then tells me that hes taking a box of condoms.

 

I decide to try and change tactics and explain that any girl, including his other 2 interests right now would be hurt and become hesitant if they found out he did something like that while there is something starting, or about to start and it might hurt his chaces. He responds with "Wild stuff happens in Vegas, and its my first trip, if an interest can't understand that, well I don't know", so I try again and explain to him again, and he says something to the effects "It's vegas, whatever goes, goes, and whatever blows blows" or something like that. So I get mad at him for jerking em around and playing with my feelings, in a way thats not nessasary. He says hes not, and explains that he means "Whatever happens happens, and whatever blows he takes, he will deal with responsibily"

 

I tell him that I can't come to him, not knowing, and that on Monday if he wants to work things out between us, we can talk, but only if he hasn't done anything. Then ask him again to think things through, carefully before he does anything and not to just go with the flow. We then said goodnight and went to bed.

 

He was on his way there this morning, didn't call, leave an IM or an email either. I have no idea whats going to happen, what hes going to do.... I feel like I'm getting ulcers or something. Alls I know is that I love him.

 

Thanks for listening...

[midori]

I think the answer is pretty clear: this relationship has been over for a long long time. You haven't let go yet, but you need to. I don't know why you're still looking to this guy for your happiness, but if happiness is what you seek I don't think it lies with him. He lives far away. He's interested in other women. He's less than honest. He's not concerned about your needs.

 

I think you should cut all ties with this man. You two have nothing to offer each other at this point, besides more confusion, angst and grief. You might be locked into a way of thinking that revolves around him, but that doesn't mean that he's supposed to be the center of your universe. You need to break that framework down, and rebuild something that is better suited to bringing you happiness. What you've got right now is the equivalent of trying to retrofit a little rowboat because you want to fly to Paris. If you want to fly to Paris, you need an airplane, not a rowboat. Abandon ship and get yourself a first-class ticket on Air France.

[NEONINK]

Great analogy midori! I'll remember that one for a long time to come. That could just be copied/pasted on most of the breakups, because that's the problem most of the time.

 

Usually they say putting square pegs in round holes, but that's just a challenge to many people like myself that refuse to give up and think they can conquer anything by just working harder. I might can whittle a square peg with a penknife, but I can't get to Paris in a rowboat. That made my day, thanks.

[Lonely]

I know your right... If someone was telling this stuff to me, I'd say the same thing...

 

It's different when your the one in love though... I can't stop thinknig about him... I miss him constantly, want to be with him... and I don't want to loose something, when the major problem, has been the fact that I'm hesitant to move.

 

I don't have much... I don't have a job anymore, I don't really have any close friends, I don't have my cat (gave him away when I was going to move), and I don't have any family that I'm close too (though that ones not due to him) I feel like I've sacrificed so much over this... I can't bear to just give it up.

 

I love him, more then I can express, even through all this crap, and I can't bear to have to start over without him.

[midori]

Look, I stick by what I said earlier, because objectively that is probably the best advice you're going to get.

 

But I also know what it is like to be hopelessly in love with someone despite knowing the chances for happiness with him are slim to none. If you really feel like you have nothing to lose where you are, and something to gain by going after him with everything you got ... well ... you could give that a try. But there's no point in doing so unless you're willing and able to pull out all the stops: be completely forthright with him, be willing to make whatever sacrifices you would need to make in order for things to work. I'm not saying that it would work out if you did that -- you have no guarantees at all. It would be quite risky. But if you're convinced that you need to be with this guy, that your happiness really does lie with him, then perhaps you should consider it.

 

If nothing else, thinking about what it would take might give you a better grip on what you're dealing with. Right now you seem to be stuck in a mire of angst with this guy -- lots of botched reunions, half-attempts, misinterpretations. The only way to get out of that will be to take some decisive action. Either rid yourself of him completely and embark on bringing new things into your life (new job, new cat, etc.) or go after him will all you've got. If you get burned well at least you'll know you did all you could, and maybe that will free you up to finally put him behind you.

 

Personally I think the former choice -- get rid of him completely -- would be the better way to go. In which case you should stop dwelling on what you've lost and start thinking about what you ought to be adding to your life right now. One way or another you need to get out of the rut you're in.

[Lonely]

You know what, I feel sorta better, just saying all this. Not as stressed atleast.

 

I think, I've lost almost all hope, that things are going to work out, and I think I've accepted that something is going to happen this weekend, though the thought still hurts me.

 

I really want something to work though. I don't know... maybe it would just be best for me to let go now, rather then wait for the pain that I'm sure I'm going to suffer next week... but there's like this slim chance that he won't do something, or the chance won't come up... or he was just trying to see how much i'd be willing to suffer through for him (which he has done before, grr).

 

I hate decisions like this, I don't like making decisions as it is... I always make bad ones... and I usually just go with whatever my boyfriend wants. It's easier and I feel more cofortable.

 

Can't really do that this time...

 

I don't know, the logical part of me says, I'm wasting my time, and my life. The rest of me just wants him.

 

Anyways I'm babling. Thank you for listening, and your comments.

[Baubles]

what an awful man...

 

you may love him, but I am sad to say he doesn't love you....a cheater is one thing, but a man who tells it to your face he has other interests and may or may not do something (regardless or whether you're on abreak or not)...in his mind you have already become a "friend" or a "friend" he can have sexual flings w/. No true friend or decent-ex would hurt you like that.

 

Kick this guy to the curb- or if you cannot...go a couple of months and don't contact him and see what he does. This man is obviously a mess.