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A womans perspective on getting a second chance


Lady Dragonfly

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Lady Dragonfly

Hi All,

 

This is my very first post here; after having spent quite a bit of time going through this site, looking for any shred of advice that might help out in my situation. We all want that, to find hope, to find something that may put us on the path to regaining what we have lost.

 

What I have seen here, is mostly people in their 20's, going through stuff that I went through years ago, with shorter term girlfriend/boyfriend problems, but nothing that came close to my own situation. So, here I am, hoping that maybe my situation may shed some light on someone else's plight.

 

I am 38, my husband is 39, we have been married for 9 years (together 10), had a great marriage up until about two years ago. He moved out on November 1st. The why's don't really matter, it is the typical story, the fights got worse, became more frequent, the subjects not even remotely close to what the true problem was. Same old story, two people growing apart and having no idea how to fix it.

 

We had talked about conselling for quite a while, but by the time we did it, he had already made up his mind to leave. We agreed that for the sake of our daughter, that we would continue to see a counselor, because no one wins when the parents declare outright war on each other.

 

We saw one counselor who suggested that we write down all of our problems and put them in a jar, and once a week talk about them...talk about a way to fire up a war!!! I almost strangled him with my bare hands after the first time we tried it.

 

I then found us a wonderful conselor, reccomended by a friend, as he had saved her parents marriage (25 years and she had packed to leave). He actually laughed at our original advice, and told us that our problem was not "communication" as we did that just fine at the top of our lungs. Our problem was a broken bond, and without that, our "communication" was only destroying what was left.

 

Fast forward four months....

 

We have gone through a lot, opened up a lot, begun to find the joy in each other that we once had.

 

The best piece of advice I was given by our fabulous therapist was, "Sometimes you just have to stop. Stop the fighting, stop the conflict"

 

Let me tell you, is the hardest thing I have EVER done! It is hard to have a conversation about the weather when all I wanted was to to lash out, scream things that I didn't really mean, all in the name of getting the attention I so desperately craved, to get the validation that I needed, and maybe if I did it long enough or loud enough, it would bring back that love.

 

We stopped. We just stopped, and yes, we had our two steps back days, but began to make progress, so that our slowly building relationship was strong enough to take those setbacks.

 

Now don't get me wrong, we didn't simply forget the past and act like it never existed; we put it on hold. We let the bond grow stronger and are only now taking out the issues one at a time, and learning how to fight in a way that actually accomplishes something rather than degenerating into a verbal free for all....and believe me, I can fight dirty and with the best of them. But where does it get me? Divorced.

 

To quote Dr. Phil, "Would you rather be happy or right?" Well, I still sometimes need to be right, but what I need more, is simply to be truly heard, and in the manner of being listened to as if I actually have a point. My husband is amazed that if he hears me, and then expresses his own views, that we actually get results.

 

I guess why I am putting this all down on paper, so to speak, is because I have read so much about no contact, and how second chances never work...I wanted to share a happier ending (or continuing to a happier end as this is still a work in progress).

 

I do not believe that No-Contact would have worked for us, I do not think it works in all situations. Men think differently than women, my experience tells me that men are more out of sight out of mind creatures, where as women are out of sight, always on my mind types of creatures.

 

If you have managed to read this whole thing, I hope just hearing about a second chance that has every chance of success, may give you some hope, that it is truly possible.

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Excellent post. To resolve a problem, you must dig down to the root. No second chance is going to work if the root problems still exist. Be in communication, fighting, feelings -- you name it. No relationship can move forward is some part of the relationship is broken.

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Thanks for sharing your story, Lady D. It is indeed uplifting.

And big congrats to both of you, for having the open minds and hearts that invited in a different perspective from which you found your happy-ending solutions!

Wishing you continued success and happiness :love:

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this just proves that it takes both parties efforts to make things work. one person hoping and wishing for both does not fix things. i keep going back to this book i read a few days after my breakup... we had stopped communicating any anger to each other because it was easier to just be happy in the moment. little did i know it was a volcano building inside her, and by the time i was aware of it, it was too late. after reading the book ("radical honesty" - there is a GREAT chapter about expressing anger in a resent/appreciation way), i opened up amazingly and let everything out.. that hurt her alot because she had no idea i was still that much in love with her. now, i asked her to go to therapy and to work on this with me, and she didnt want to.

 

i ended up going to therapy alone and still am to make sure my next relationship has constant communication coming from my end at least ;)

 

so, lesson - it takes both people.

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