What am I supposed to do?????

[Wulfenite31]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first time utilizing the internet to get advise from millions of people I don't even know. I think it's pretty cool.

 

So here is what is happening. I am 31 years old and I have to kids a boy he is 9 and a girl she is 6. I am divorced. When I first divorced I had a night out with my sister who at the time was 17. It was a simple dinner and she brought along one of her friends who was 18 at the time. I was 26. Her friend was beautiful but I never thought anything of it. We got to know each other a little bit, basically she thought I was an @$$hole and I thought she was a shallow teenager, yet we got along.

 

Fast Forward - I am now 31 and have had 2 relationships in the past 5 years. My last relationship ended pretty bad but I got through it. One night I decided to have a get together with my sister and have some fun. She is now 22 and she just happened to bring that same friend from 5 years ago who is now 23. Well, we had a fun night. We laughed, we joked, we played, we talked it was surreal. After the party I thought wow - that was just really cool....she is nothing like what I thought. While I was laying in bed - she randomly txt me and told me that she had a really fun night with me. After that night we spoke every day since, never missed a day even to this day.

 

Fast forward a few months.....she had a boyfriend her verbally abused her for about 3 years. She finally wanted out and broke up with him. She managed very well through the transition and I stuck by her day in and day out without making it too obvious I really liked her.

 

Fast forward a few months....as time went on we became closer and closer. She would come over and play with me and the kids and we had such magical moments! We would go out to dinner, dine in with a movie or just sit and talk from 6pm - 3:30am in the morning. Finally one night while we were talking the night was coming to a close and I confessed that I really liked her. She agreed that she really liked me and I went in for a kiss. It was magical - later she defined her emotions to me as feeling "floaty". After that we still never put a title on anything, yet we talked about it alot.

 

One night when she was over, things led to another and we slept together. It was like being with someone I had known my whole life. Indescribable. As time went on the more serious it became. One night while being together she told me that she has never met anyone like me and that she feels safe and happy and she told me that she loved me. This I said as a return to her because that is how I really felt...this is still how I feel.

 

After that we really didn't say it too much because I didn't want the word to loose meaning. Yet we both knew how we felt about each other. We didn't see each other all week...we talked on the phone, or txt and she would see me for a few hours on a Fri or Sat night, maybe see the kids for a little while but that was our routine.

 

Then one night when she was over I told her that I loved her and she didn't reply back. At that moment I knew something wasn't right. However I didn't pressure the concern. A few days later on a Friday night she called me and said I am coming to pick you up let's take a ride. So I did...we hung out with a few friends then when we got back home...this was this past 2/13/2009 she pulled the truck up along the house and didn't pull into the parking spot. I asked why she was coming in and all she said was "Please don't be angry with me." I was concerned but not angry I got out of the truck and went to kiss her and she did not return the favor. At that point crushed I went into the house.

 

WIthin a few minutes she called me and we talked on the phone for about 2 hours. She told me that she did love me but she didn't want to be in a relationship right now. She said she still wants to see me and the kids every weekend and wants to talk to me every day but doesn't want the romantic hub bub of a relationship right now.

 

Now I must tell you this......Her mother is controlling. I really like her mother, but she is nothing less than a hard ass. This poor girl has always done everything her mother ever demanded. Period.

 

Of course I was devistated....I cried many nights over and miss her very very much. It's very different the way she talks to me, yet she still talks to me every day. I spoke to one of her best friends and she told me that her mother said "That He is a great guy, and he treats her so good but I wish he was younger and that he didn't have kids". This being said the parents weren't going to accept me as her lover.

 

So now I am horribly confused........I believe that she does love me but she loves her Mother and Father and doesn't want to dissapoint them or loose them because her Ex almost caused her to loose her parents. She is an only child as well.

 

I don't know what to do......I feel so lost without her confidence in us....I don't know if she just doesn't want me? Or if she thinks there is too much bagagge or if she doesn't want to ruin the relationship with her parents....I just don't know. I am so scared to lose this girl, yes she is young and I understand that. She is extremely mature, owns her own house and even runs her own business. She is an incredible mother figure to my kids and she loves them dearly....age in this case doesn't play a factor between the two of us.

 

God help me figure this out!!!!! I don't want anyone else but her!!!!

 

[San]

What a sad story, Wulfenite

 

I think what is needed in this particular situation is clarification. Has she explicitly said that it is because of her parents that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you? And if that is the case, and she has decided that her parents word is stronger than what she feels for you, then I think it would be better for you to either end or at least decrease the amount of contact you have with each other, because it isn't fair for either of you to put yourselves through the agony.

 

You need to sit down with her and be open about how you both feel and decided what is best for you both, as well as your children, considering the circumstances.

 

Hope that helps and good luck x

[Island Girl]

It is a terrible situation.

 

I have the same problem she does with a parent not accepting of my husband. She hasn't liked him from the very beginning and she isn't about to change her mind and accept him.

We are not invited to holidays, etc. -- I am but he is not so I do not go either.

 

I chose to live my life for me and not my mother.

But it is extremely painful every day because my mother and I have always been so close.

 

If her mother is as domineering as you say and gives her so much grief, yet she is unwilling to go against her, it does not look like this is going to work out for the two of you.

 

She suffered with their disapproval with the previous boyfriend and she knows what will happen.

She doesn't want to go down that road again.

 

I can't blame her. It is a very painful choice no matter which choice is made.

 

However, if this is what she is going to choose, then it is best for you to not have contact.

You have to be able to move on to find a partner that will put you first. And you won't as long as she is around.

 

I am sorry for your children. They really are caught in the crossfire on this one. They like her and she likes them. But she won't be a permanent fixture in your life - she just can't be.

If you do find someone it will not be fair to ask her to accept a close friendship with this woman in light of the feelings you have, and probably will always have to some degree, for her.

The way it has ended is tragic. For it leaves you with no real reason - no closure available.

It isn't incompatibility or anything.

 

If you do have any chance at all of winning out in this it is with NC.

She has to see what life is like without you and what that feels like.

If it is worse than what she experienced when she was feuding with her parents before, well then, you may get your chance.

 

But as it stands now she is only sacrificing sexual contact and some of the intimacy.

She still has all the rest of the good stuff.

She still has you to talk to, share company with, the kids and you all hanging out.

That is a lot of the relationship and certainly a great deal of what she was attracted to initially.

 

She is not being malicious in the fact that she doesn't want that to go away. But you are in an all or nothing position.

There can be no halfway for you.

 

I hope that helps. I am sorry you are having to go through this.

Sometimes parents hurt their children because of their own wants instead of thinking only of the happiness of their kids. And it totally sucks.

[Wulfenite31]

Thank you for that meaningful reply. Since I posted this its been just about a month. I tried to back off as much as possible and we continued our routine. I stopped telling her many things about my feelings and things really began to settle down. Then I got anxious again about two days ago and started it all over again. We still have sex, but I hate it because it just feels like a hook up. I tried last night to tell her honestly that I couldn't be just friends with her. She took it very hard and didn't want to end it all or nothing. She said lets talk on Friday and I said ok. I wanted to not have any contact with her until Friday so we could clear our heads but she wasn't keen on that idea too. She said "I am going to txt you. You're like by BF."

 

Of course I loved that, but what did it really mean? It means nothing. I asked my best friend his advice who is 31 also and has no quams with being by just himself and told me that I am too needy. I agree I am, but I don't believe to the degree that I would push every woman away, Especially her.

 

At any rate I got upset and txt's her something stupid while she was working and pissed her off. So now I am here, waiting to see if she will get back to me and how we move on from this. Having no contact with her will be devistating, however....I think you're right. It just hurts a lot.