friends with ex, but something doesn't feel right

[Island Girl]

You'd think that, wouldn't you. The last time I talked to my ex, she said, "You are my best friend and I know I can always count on you to drop everything and be there for me. But we're just not right for each other."

 

There is usually one person in the relationship who is like this. Problems arise when both are not.

 

So, would she drop everything and be there for you or was she a bit more unreliable? - Or were you always the rock and never had reason to find out...?

 

This is the question the OP should be asking. I am sure she would be a friend like this. But I think he very well may not be.

[EasyHeart]

That's a great point, Island Girl. The more I process our relationship, the more I realize that it was pretty one-sided -- me giving and her taking.

 

Doesn't make it hurt less, though!

[pandagirl]

There is usually one person in the relationship who is like this. Problems arise when both are not.

 

So, would she drop everything and be there for you or was she a bit more unreliable? - Or were you always the rock and never had reason to find out...?

 

This is the question the OP should be asking. I am sure she would be a friend like this. But I think he very well may not be.

 

You are right! I am a good friend. My friendships are very solid and reciprocal. My friends are wonderful people.

 

I honestly have no idea what kind of friend he is. I see positive and negative sides to him, but the truth is I don't know him very well. One thing he isn't is emotionally sensitive. He's a pretty hardened "it happened, it sucked, get over it, onto the next thing" sort of person.

 

I think it's worth noting, that after we stopped dating, he made a true effort to be my friend, from inviting me out with his friends, to inviting me to dinner parties, etc. I am actually the one who screwed things up by pushing the boundaries of our relationship, which is why we are not after months of not talking, attempting to be friends again.

 

I think everyone on this thread has given me great advice that I am taking to heart! I am just going to lay low, not contact him, and go on with my life as it was.

[whichwayisup]

I already tried this. When we were talking about her, I said: "I'd like to meet her more properly one of these day and hang out! "

 

His response? He just said: "Yeah...she's a hard person to get a hold of," then he went on to say how she's always busy and has a dog.

 

That's pure bullcrap. He's lying to you.

 

Yes! You are right! I know, I know. I have a habit of idealizing people. This has happened with girl friends, too. I think, "No, they are good people" and I end up feeling used. If we want to get psychological, I know I tend to give way too much to people, without thinking of my own needs. I've gone through enough experiences in life to take a good hard look at this situation, so I can stop the pattern.

 

His sh*t DOES stink too Panda. He isn't perfect and he is showing signs of being a real jerk.

 

Please stop the pattern because if you don't, you're going to get hurt. Not everyone is as loving, giving and caring as you are and some take total advantage of that selfishly.

 

I think everyone on this thread has given me great advice that I am taking to heart! I am just going to lay low, not contact him, and go on with my life as it was.

 

Yup, don't contact him. Let him contact you and when he does ask for you two to get together, tell him you don't feel comfy keeping intouch anymore. You don't owe him any long explanation.. Know why? Because HE knows the answer.

[pandagirl]

That's pure bullcrap. He's lying to you.

 

OBVIOUSLY! It just sucks. I was really trying to make everything all hunky dory and copacetic and it didn't go the way I wanted it to.

 

His sh*t DOES stink too Panda. He isn't perfect and he is showing signs of being a real jerk.

 

Please stop the pattern because if you don't, you're going to get hurt. Not everyone is as loving, giving and caring as you are and some take total advantage of that selfishly.

 

Thanks for the tough love! I really appreciate it. I already know that I am going to be hurt regardless of what happens. I care about him regardless of everything. I believe what people tell me at face value. It doesn't cross my mind that people would try to take advantage to me and I already feel like that's happened.

 

Yup, don't contact him. Let him contact you and when he does ask for you two to get together, tell him you don't feel comfy keeping intouch anymore. You don't owe him any long explanation.. Know why? Because HE knows the answer.

 

I'm not holding my breath. He's disappeared before. I just have to keep on reminding myself that I'm better than this situation.

[Trialbyfire]

pandagirl, this guy is pure poison. Playah! Forget contacting him and if he contacts you, shut him down. Don't play his nasty little game.

[whichwayisup]

You're welcome. Sometimes tough love is what gets through at the end.

 

I'm not holding my breath. He's disappeared before. I just have to keep on reminding myself that I'm better than this situation.

 

Real and true friends don't abandon eachother..Ever.

 

Let me ask you, would you put this much effort and energy into making a friendship with a woman friend who was once in your life, then disappeared, then came back? Would you put up with the same behaviour?

 

Bottomline is, you have growing feelings for him that go deeper than you realize and that is why this friendship won't work. For you that is..

[pandagirl]

pandagirl, this guy is pure poison. Playah! Forget contacting him and if he contacts you, shut him down. Don't play his nasty little game.

 

Oh, TBF. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! I'm so happy for you. I think it's great. And, why oh why, do I lack the "sh*t detector" gene? It's like. Completely. Absent.

 

You're welcome. Sometimes tough love is what gets through at the end.

 

Real and true friends don't abandon eachother..Ever.

 

Let me ask you, would you put this much effort and energy into making a friendship with a woman friend who was once in your life, then disappeared, then came back? Would you put up with the same behaviour?

 

Bottomline is, you have growing feelings for him that go deeper than you realize and that is why this friendship won't work. For you that is..

 

Sadly, yes. I have done this with girlfriends before. I've have been treated unfairly, they were horrible to me, and I'm the one trying to pick up the pieces. (This happened in my early to mid-twenties.) Like you said, real and true friends don't abandon each other. I don't abandon people, I stick through EVERYTHING, maybe through *too* much at my own detriment.

 

For some reason, I can't/don't give up on people, until it is absolutely, irrevocably unrepairable.

 

But, I digress! It seems like everyone is telling me this guy is a jerk, which he may be, but telling myself he is a jerk won't work for me, because I don't know if I'm capable of believing that. What I need to do is put MY needs first -- to take care of myself.

 

And, yes...there are feelings there that are buried deep. They're there, but I'm not really acknowledging them.

[twitch08]

I had a falling out with my boyfriend of 4 years, we both agreed that we want to get back together because we have two kids and that we still have strong feelings for each other, however during the time that we were on the rocks, He had a chance to talk to his friend who happens to be his ex girlfriend. They are in constant communication now, I confronted this Ex-gf and asked her if she still has feelings for my bf, she admitted that she still has but she has no plans of pursuing it because she doesnt want to be a homewrecker. I believed her, but i found out that she has been sending half naked pictures to my bf and still constantly texting and chatting with him. They are a country apart but I feel that there is really something else going on.

 

Please Help me, I feel like I no longer deserve to be in this relationship, what should I do?

[Island Girl]

twitch08: you need to start your own thread.

[Trialbyfire]

Thanks pandagirl!

 

While it's difficult to believe that someone you care about can be so selfish, you have to learn to accept that aspect, not because you want to continue anything with him but that he's not the man for you.

 

You understand self-worth. Why would you settle for such a small man?

[pandagirl]

Thanks pandagirl!

 

While it's difficult to believe that someone you care about can be so selfish, you have to learn to accept that aspect, not because you want to continue anything with him but that he's not the man for you.

 

You understand self-worth. Why would you settle for such a small man?

 

Maybe I saw a glimpse of someone I thought was great, and now that's what I want him to be, but I guess it's time to accept the facts.

 

I just really want to believe that people are good, especially this guy, but it's ridiculous that it matters so much to me. I need to focus on what makes *me* feel happy and it's obvious it's not this situation.

 

I'm afraid of letting people go, like it's some reflection of myself.

[EasyHeart]

Maybe I saw a glimpse of someone I thought was great, and now that's what I want him to be, but I guess it's time to accept the facts.

 

I just really want to believe that people are good, especially this guy, but it's ridiculous that it matters so much to me. I need to focus on what makes *me* feel happy and it's obvious it's not this situation.

 

I'm afraid of letting people go, like it's some reflection of myself.

Wow, I can really relate to this pandagirl. It's really hard for me to let go and just give up on someone. Maybe because I always see the best in people and project myself onto them.

 

I talked to a therapist about my latest break up and she put it this way, "Wait -- let me see if I have this right. You've been dating a woman who comes from a broken home, hates her father, barely talks to her sisters, has been in therapy for 5 years because her fiancee cheated on her, told you she has 'trust issues' and 'daddy issues', told you she's being treated for low self-esteem, has panic and anxiety attacks on a regular basis, has never had a long-term relationship, told you that she 'sabotages' her relationships, emotionally withdraws and shuts down whenever you have a disagreement and then tells you that you have 'issues', and that started a new 'relationship' with a guy who picked her up in a bar a WEEK after telling you she didn't want to date anyone for a 'long time'. And now YOU'RE wondering what you did wrong in the relationship? And whether you should stay 'friends' with her? And you're hurt because she's so 'happy' with a new boyfriend she's known for a grand total of three weeks? Really? Is that what you're telling me?"

 

You might want to go through a similar exercise and really listen to what you're saying.

[pandagirl]

I just hung out with this guy again. The more I see him, the more platonic the relationship becomes, which is good. We openly talk about his relationship with his gf and it doesn't bother me. We always have fun and conversation is great and hilarious.

 

However, my esteemed guy friend says: "Listen, people only have friends of the opposite sex because they are attracted -- even if they don't act on it or do anything about it. This guy is keeping you as a back up."

 

Maybe I am delusional that two people who once dated could forge a sincere relationship.

[EasyHeart]

However, my esteemed guy friend says: "Listen, people only have friends of the opposite sex because they are attracted -- even if they don't act on it or do anything about it. This guy is keeping you as a back up."

 

Maybe I am delusional that two people who once dated could forge a sincere relationship.

Yup and yup.

[whichwayisup]

I just hung out with this guy again. The more I see him, the more platonic the relationship becomes, which is good. We openly talk about his relationship with his gf and it doesn't bother me. We always have fun and conversation is great and hilarious.

 

QUESTION IS - Does he openly talk about you to his girlfriend? She from day one, wasn't comfortable with you, so think about that.. Panda, you seem to be focussed on YOUR needs, your happiness right now - The thing is, this guy truly isn't a friend..You know this and you're not listening to your gut.

 

Friendship is more than just giggles and afew good conversations.

[pandagirl]

QUESTION IS - Does he openly talk about you to his girlfriend? She from day one, wasn't comfortable with you, so think about that.. Panda, you seem to be focussed on YOUR needs, your happiness right now - The thing is, this guy truly isn't a friend..You know this and you're not listening to your gut.

 

Friendship is more than just giggles and afew good conversations.

 

Yes! We talk about their relationship often. I know a lot about her; I ask questions and he tells me a lot about her. It doesn't bother me. I am actually happy for him that he's found someone he actually cares about!

 

You are absolutely right, friendship is more than just giggles and good conversations. I guess I am sort of trying to bridge that gap right now with him.

[whichwayisup]

QUESTION IS - Does he openly talk about you to his girlfriend?

 

You misread or misunderstood my question. Does he talk about YOU to HER, his girlfriend? Is she aware that you two are hanging out? Is she OK with that? I said earlier, you mentioned from day one she wasn't comfortable with the friendship..

 

Look at the bigger picture here. Why did you start this thread? You knew something was "off" about him..Don't let good conversations and afew laughs cloud your judgement and gut instinct. It seems right now you're totally fine with him as your friend and have forgotten all that you posted about..

[carhill]

A true test is when you consciously avoid using him for an ego boost and/or validation when you are feeling down. This is how I discern true female friends from those who are just using me. Another indicator is taking a genuine and proactive interest in his life. Lastly, proactively supporting his new relationship. Sending positive signals of support.

 

How are you doing?

[darby1]

The guy keeps you a secret because lots of chicks are not comfortable with guys having girls as friends.. its a shame, but very true. I have guy friends whose girlfriends don't understand our relationship and I respect that the chicks have issues and no one needs to make their issue's mine. Men are scared of women, don't like dealing with things that will upset them unneccesarily and are bad at explaining themselves... He is only making the situation an on-going one by avoiding introducing you two properly.. and lets not forget the fear of you two girls becoming friends of your own! Men hate that! You are the girl he can tell anything to and be himself with, she is the girl that has her hold on him that he fantacys for, but he probably can't be himself as freely around her as he can with you.. so in a way, he's got the perfect girlfreind having you both right where he wants you. I doubt your a 'dirty' secret since you don't get down and dirty with him.. your a side of himself she can't fulfill and he doesn't wish to hear what his girlfriend has to say about something she doesn't understand. He sounds a bit controlling actually. And I bet your very different girls. Howz that for speculation.

[pandagirl]

You misread or misunderstood my question. Does he talk about YOU to HER, his girlfriend? Is she aware that you two are hanging out? Is she OK with that? I said earlier, you mentioned from day one she wasn't comfortable with the friendship..

 

Look at the bigger picture here. Why did you start this thread? You knew something was "off" about him..Don't let good conversations and afew laughs cloud your judgement and gut instinct. It seems right now you're totally fine with him as your friend and have forgotten all that you posted about..

 

OHHH. Sorry -- read that wrong! I doubt he talks to his gf about me. As I said, he always eludes my question of me wanting to meet her by making some excuse. I think I am forgetting my original discomfort, because the more I hangout with him, the more he is going from "someone I dated" to "just a friend." But, maybe that is just be rationalizing the situation... We humans are good at that.

 

A true test is when you consciously avoid using him for an ego boost and/or validation when you are feeling down. This is how I discern true female friends from those who are just using me. Another indicator is taking a genuine and proactive interest in his life. Lastly, proactively supporting his new relationship. Sending positive signals of support.

 

How are you doing?

 

I am definitely supportive of his relationship. When he is worried about something, I give him words of encouragement. I ask questions about her, etc. Lastly, I believe my intentions of friendship are sincere, because if there was a signal that me being friends with him would cause a rift in his relationship, I would gracefully bow out, because that's what a real friend would do. I genuinely care about him.

 

I have even thought about just telling him we can't be friends, because I don't want him to lying to her and I know he's capable of being better than that.

 

He is only making the situation an on-going one by avoiding introducing you two properly.. and lets not forget the fear of you two girls becoming friends of your own! Men hate that! You are the girl he can tell anything to and be himself with, she is the girl that has her hold on him that he fantacys for, but he probably can't be himself as freely around her as he can with you.. so in a way, he's got the perfect girlfreind having you both right where he wants you. I doubt your a 'dirty' secret since you don't get down and dirty with him.. your a side of himself she can't fulfill and he doesn't wish to hear what his girlfriend has to say about something she doesn't understand. He sounds a bit controlling actually. And I bet your very different girls. Howz that for speculation.

 

hahaha. Good analysis! You may be onto something. From what I've heard of her, his gf and I are nothing alike. And, yes, what me and this guy have is great compatibility, shared sense of humor and we get each other on many levels. He is totally himself around me and so am I. He thinks I am the coolest, funniest girl, he loves my friends, etc. The reason our relationship didn't work out, from his end, is that we were more like best friends instead of passionate lovers.

[whichwayisup]

your a side of himself she can't fulfill and he doesn't wish to hear what his girlfriend has to say about something she doesn't understand

 

Which in one sense, makes her the OW. This is exactly why people end up cheating on their partners. That is not place Panda needs to be in, being the OW, let alone being there FOR him. On HIS terms and time frame.. That isn't a true friendship..

 

is that we were more like best friends instead of passionate lovers.

 

If this is the case, then there should be NO problem with him involving you in his life with his girlfriends knowledge. I mean, if you are important to him and a part of his daily life, why not allow you to meet his girlfriend and be a part of THEIR lives, not just his?

[carhill]

Yes, given PG's responses to my questions, it appears there is no reasonable obstacle to an integrated, normal friendship, barring the yet to be known reactions/perspective of the girlfriend. If she's threatened by an ex, even of a short-lived dating experience, then it doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship/friendship, IMO.

[whichwayisup]

I doubt he talks to his gf about me. As I said, he always eludes my question of me wanting to meet her by making some excuse.

 

Doesn't that make you question WHO he really is? I know if I were in your shoes, I would wonder..

I think I am forgetting my original discomfort, because the more I hangout with him, the more he is going from "someone I dated" to "just a friend."

 

The blinders have gone back on again and you're seeing what you want to see.. He isn't the perfect nice guy you may have build him up to be in your head.

 

But, maybe that is just be rationalizing the situation... We humans are good at that.

 

I agree, you're rashionalizing. But why? WHY is his friendship sooo important to you? Really think about that..

[pandagirl]

If this is the case, then there should be NO problem with him involving you in his life with his girlfriends knowledge. I mean, if you are important to him and a part of his daily life, why not allow you to meet his girlfriend and be a part of THEIR lives, not just his?

 

Yes, I agree. If he is serious about being friends with me, he will integrate me into his life, which he had no problem doing before we lost contact. He invited me out with his friends all the time *before* he had a gf. But, we are just beginning to forge a friendship now, only have hung out a few times since bumping into him. If things continue to go the way they are going (me being a "secret"), I will most likely just forget about it, but for now, I am giving him a chance to see what happens.

 

Yes, given PG's responses to my questions, it appears there is no reasonable obstacle to an integrated, normal friendship, barring the yet to be known reactions/perspective of the girlfriend. If she's threatened by an ex, even of a short-lived dating experience, then it doesn't bode well for a healthy relationship/friendship, IMO.

 

I'm guessing his his gf would not be comfortable with me, UNLESS she got to know me better and saw I am not a threat to their relationship. However, I don't know if we'll ever get to that point. I'm pushing for it. She did pick up on the chemistry he and me had when she witnessed us talking.

 

I agree, you're rashionalizing. But why? WHY is his friendship sooo important to you? Really think about that..

 

I don't know. All I can say is haven't you ever just met someone where you just connected? It's rare. Although we did date and were intimate, not all connections are meant to be romantic. We explored that aspect of a relationship, and it didn't work, and now we are exploring how to maintain that connection/chemistry as a friendship. Our brief history is somewhat complicated...mixed feelings, mistakes and boffed attempts at friendship. I admit, there is a level of attraction there, but I feel that is often present in opposite sex friendship -- it doesn't mean either party will act on it.