friends with ex, but something doesn't feel right

[carhill]

IMO, there's a difference between attraction (hawtness) and chemistry (unspoken intimate contact). If the GF sensed attraction, that's the superficial portion of a potential R, absent compatibility. If she sensed chemistry, IMO, that's much more serious, because she's sensing an unspoken intimate language between you and this guy, even if you're not compatible for a relationship. That can be very threatening, especially since you've known him longer than she has (I presume).

 

This sense is exactly what my wife picked up on between my female friend and myself. We talked (and still do talk) without speaking. That doesn't in any way mean we could ever have a healthy intimate relationship (we never have), but the potential for one is observable and bears discussion and respect. Add, in your case, sexual intimacy to the mix and I could easily understand her perspective. IMO, unless you and he can recognize the signals you're sending out and squelch them (meaning a fundamental change in your thought/emotional patterns regarding each other), this arrangement likely won't work out long-term if either of you is in a relationship with someone else.

 

Or, I could be wrong

[pandagirl]

IMO, there's a difference between attraction (hawtness) and chemistry (unspoken intimate contact). If the GF sensed attraction, that's the superficial portion of a potential R, absent compatibility. If she sensed chemistry, IMO, that's much more serious, because she's sensing an unspoken intimate language between you and this guy, even if you're not compatible for a relationship. That can be very threatening, especially since you've known him longer than she has (I presume).

 

This sense is exactly what my wife picked up on between my female friend and myself. We talked (and still do talk) without speaking. That doesn't in any way mean we could ever have a healthy intimate relationship (we never have), but the potential for one is observable and bears discussion and respect. Add, in your case, sexual intimacy to the mix and I could easily understand her perspective. IMO, unless you and he can recognize the signals you're sending out and squelch them (meaning a fundamental change in your thought/emotional patterns regarding each other), this arrangement likely won't work out long-term if either of you is in a relationship with someone else.

 

Or, I could be wrong

 

What I would say, is we have chemistry, not attraction. Friends were shocked that he broke-up with me because when they saw each other, all they could say was "wow, you guys have amazing chemistry!" If it was *just* physical, we would not be talking to each other right now. After all, we only dated ONE month almost an entire year ago and yet, here we are.

 

Yes, I believe she picked up on our chemistry: his glances at me, his eagerness to make me laugh, his body language toward me (though they were both drunk I was sober enough to be aware of what was going on. haha).

 

She has actually known him longer than I have (remember, she is his friend's long-term ex). And I think we are on our way to "squelching" our thought/emotional patterns with each other. At least I am. I just don't like being a "secret." In my younger, less enlightened days, I was the OW, and though this situation is different, I am not a person who makes big mistakes twice. I am sensitive to the situation because of this.

[semi spritzer]

Girl, I think you're deeply in denial here. You still want this guy back so it seems though he has a gf and has 'moved on' from you. Whichever way you check it, he is hiding you and that is a major RED FLAG. I would get out before this turns sour. YOU will be the loser.

 

Even YOU KNOW something is off here as you said in your post. Don't put yourself through this, you deserve better

[pandagirl]

Girl, I think you're deeply in denial here. You still want this guy back so it seems though he has a gf and has 'moved on' from you. Whichever way you check it, he is hiding you and that is a major RED FLAG. I would get out before this turns sour. YOU will be the loser.

 

Even YOU KNOW something is off here as you said in your post. Don't put yourself through this, you deserve better

 

So, funny, I was just going to add an addendum to this thread.

 

Well, I am over it. I feel like I conducted myself and proceeded the best way I could in this situation. I was very mindful of my feelings. The honest truth is, yes, there are/were feelings there, but I NEVER wanted him back.

 

I've tried to treat him like I would any other friend, but it's obvious that he wishes not to treat me the same way (or at least, when it's only convenient for him). My conclusion? He isn't an evil guy and I still think we have a connection, but he's selfish doesn't add anything to my life at this point. I'm not a "Secret Friend." So, my efforts are done and I'm leaving it be. I can honestly say it's his loss.

 

I stayed true to myself. I gave the friendship a shot with no ulterior motives and I don't regret it, but he also doesn't deserve my friendship. A friendship isn't about ego-feeding or hidden agenda; it's about mutual admiration and respect.

 

I'm not bitter or angry, it just is what it is!

[whichwayisup]

A friendship isn't about ego-feeding or hidden agenda; it's about mutual admiration and respect.

 

Exactly. I'm glad you see this! A true friendship is give and take.

[pandagirl]

Exactly. I'm glad you see this! A true friendship is give and take.

 

I've always known this! I think I just really had to give it a shot, give him a chance to prove himself, and feel things out until I made an ultimate conclusion on the state of things. Enough time has passed to where I can see things clearly and understand what is exactly going on.

 

I like giving people chances, but I can only give so much!