wheream_i Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 As a first time poster, I'd like to say that I'm glad I found this website. Lots of useful information by seemingly mature people with real life relationships & problems. I'd like to disclose my problem here if I could. I am a 30 year old male who has committed that one horrible act of betrayal. Yes, I was caught cheating by my girlfriend after having an affair with another woman that I have been with for almost three years. The other woman is 10 years my senior, in love with me & has been for pretty much the whole time we've been off & on. She does hold a special place in my heart & I can say that I do love her but I am just NOT in love with her which make all the difference. I've never treated her well, never committed to her in any way at all. About 15 months ago, I started a new job & met the most beautiful & amazing woman. Within a month of working there, we began seeing each other. I should say that she was a lesbian up until she met me (which I must say, turning a lesbian, I was mighty proud of). We hung out, did things, I treated her in some ways the other girl wish I did for her, like make her dinner, take her out, etc. For the first few months I had a hard time committing to the new girl because I knew what I was doing on the side. Basically it came down to juggling two women at one time. The older woman always knew that I was sleeping with someone else but was willing to look the other way because she was in love with me. The girl I really wanted never knew a thing. I always tried to walk away from the older woman because I knew outside of sex, we didn't have much else in common in the way of personalities. I was completely enamored by my new girl. She was everything I wanted. But I was always ended up back in bed with the older woman. I think the reason was out of just being possessive. I didn't want her sleeping with someone else. Yet, here I was doing the exact thing I didn't want her doing. Very "male" of me, I know. Fast forward to four months ago. I took my "g/f" to Vegas for a friend's wedding. That's when I knew I was in love with her & that I really had to cut ties with the other one. Finally, I told the other woman that there was someone else & I was in love with her. You can imagine the sting she felt. Like any smart guy would, I mentioned my "g/fs" name to her & that came to be my undoing. Some time when I was away from my phone, she went through my phone, found her number & kept it for a rainy day. Now just a week ago, the day before Valentine's Day, my g/f received a text from a number that she didn't recognize. The text asked if she happened to be with me. Of course, my heart started beating & started sweating & shaking because I knew I was about to be busted. Then it all came down. The following text said, "Just know that you aren't the only one." The other woman told her EVERYTHING via text. But I always knew as long as I kept it up it was going to go down like that. It wasn't something that I knew I could get away with forever. So here I am now, without either one of them. I feel bad about referring the older woman as the "Other" woman because she was in my life well before my g/f ever was. But I know that they both think that way about each other. I have been forced to be honest with not only them but with myself, confront the past and not only my choices but the reasons behind my choices. And I'll tell you, it was a long time coming. They both treated me like gold & I continually lied to them just to get away with some childish game I was playing. A lot of "studies" on cheating will say people cheat because they are missing something at home or don't feel appreciated. That wasn't the case with either one of them. I know now that I was doing it all to feed my ego. Just to have my cake & eat it too. Because I could get away with it. I have expressed extreme remorse & sorrow for what I've done to both. I've begged & pleaded for my g/f to take me back but at this point, to no avail. I've sent flowers, wrote letters & cards, even went to her parents house to confess what I had done & let them know how much I love her. Her father said I am definitely facing an uphill climb. If anything, I know it will just take time. In the past week, she has definitely let me know what I am to her. Calling me names, berating me & all deserved but then just today she apologized for the things she's said. I promised I'd go to counseling which I begin tomorrow. I just know that I've been a horrible person & a poor excuse for a man & I just want to fix things that aren't right with me. I want to be able to live a life of honesty & integrity which is surely not the way I've been living lately. So I'd like to hear from guys (or girls) that have done this to someone else & from women with some insight to all of this & would you would do. Also what else I could do to make it up to her. By reading the other posts on this board I can see we have all made mistakes which is why I came here to tell my story without judgment. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 First off, get yourself to counselling. Do you want to change who you are and be a better man? NOT for the gf, but for YOU. Leave her alone. Allow her time and space to think, react, feel sad, be angry, whatever. Stop pestering her and hoping she'll come back to you. Right now your words mean NOTHING to her as she now knows you're a cheater and a liar and selfish. Maybe in time if she sees that you got help (therapy) and have completely cut the other (older)woman out of your life forever, maybe, just maybe she'll give you a change to prove yourself to her. Also, don't think you changed her from being a lesbian to becoming straight. A lesbian is a lesbian..If anything, she's always been bi-sexual. Unfortunately if she is a true lesbian chances are you just proved WHY she likes women better than men.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheream_i Posted February 21, 2009 Author Share Posted February 21, 2009 First off, get yourself to counselling. Do you want to change who you are and be a better man? NOT for the gf, but for YOU. Leave her alone. Allow her time and space to think, react, feel sad, be angry, whatever. Stop pestering her and hoping she'll come back to you. Right now your words mean NOTHING to her as she now knows you're a cheater and a liar and selfish. Maybe in time if she sees that you got help (therapy) and have completely cut the other (older)woman out of your life forever, maybe, just maybe she'll give you a change to prove yourself to her. Also, don't think you changed her from being a lesbian to becoming straight. A lesbian is a lesbian..If anything, she's always been bi-sexual. Unfortunately if she is a true lesbian chances are you just proved WHY she likes women better than men.. Wow, thank you. I'm sorry if the lesbian comment came off as pompous. You are right, she was with one man when she was 18 (she's 31 now). And since then she has had relationships with women only til me. And you pretty much quoted her in saying that words mean nothing to her. Again thank you for your comment. Any and all are welcomed. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Well, I think many men probably would love to turn a lesbian..Ultimate ego feed I guess? (that isn't a shot at you, I'm just sayin'..) How do you feel about counselling? And what about the older other woman? Have you spoken and dealt with her since all this happened? Is she completely out of your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheream_i Posted February 21, 2009 Author Share Posted February 21, 2009 Well, I think many men probably would love to turn a lesbian..Ultimate ego feed I guess? (that isn't a shot at you, I'm just sayin'..) How do you feel about counselling? And what about the older other woman? Have you spoken and dealt with her since all this happened? Is she completely out of your life? You would think that me turning a lesbian would be all the ego stroke I would need but I guess not. Mostly, we would laugh about that amongst ourselves that I turned her. Of course, I told a few close friends but that's about it. Really just at the very beginning when I had first met her. I'm no stranger to counseling & have no problem going again. I welcome it this time around because I truly do want to change for me. We had talked about marriage & whether or not it happens with her, I know that I would not want to be that kind of person with my future wife. There's nothing better than being a devoted, honest, loving man like my dad was & that's what I want to be. As for the other woman, she's told me how she feels in pretty much the same way the g/f told me. Trust me, I had it out from both of them. I know she is terribly hurt being that I spurned her by telling her I was in love with someone else. I'm sure she's satisfied knowing that she ruined "my game", that she outed me & that I don't get the girl that I fell in love with. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Oh, the old lesbian turning trick, eh?Yep, I'll never forget the first lesbian I turned.Those were the days. After that, it was folks with other orientations, I turned a couple straight guys gay, then, I even turned them back to straight again. It's a huge responsibility having this gift, eh? But, somebody has to shoulder it. I'm working on turning my dog into a chimp, now.:bunny: Next, I'll work on these bunnies. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 Of course, I told a few close friends but that's about it. I'm no stranger to counseling & have no problem going again. Of course you had to share with a few friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 A true power-droid. Homoginated blackabonabutz. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 i smell a narcissist. look at how many times the word I was used in the original post. :sick: you really already got what you wanted... now you'll have to pay the consequences for your actions. it's not likely going to be pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 "I'm no stranger to counselling...." Well, that obviously worked!! Counselling is about preventing destructive behaviour re-manifesting. It's a discovery and learning process designed to help you build on previous experiences and prevent them recurring.... Not a place to chat, vent, boast and - a catalyst in helping you 'go getsum, boy!' Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 21, 2009 Share Posted February 21, 2009 The older woman always knew that I was sleeping with someone else but was willing to look the other way because she was in love with me. Ah, so that's how you know when you're in love with someone - you're willing to let them sleep with someone else... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
campobellogirl Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 You say you have "expressed remorse" remorse = sorry you got caught, you have to REPENT=doing a complete 180 and start going in the right direction. Get your s*** squared away first. You haved not proved yourself trustworthy to this girl or the GF before her. I doubt then second GF will take you seriously ever again. But sadly enough the first one probably will. Link to post Share on other sites
travelgirl Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 If you truly loved your GF you would have told her EVERYTHING after you committed to her in Las Vegas. Instead, you kept leading her on, always letting her think she was the only one. The "other" women of course was going to get even. She even gave you time to come clean and you didn't. You were insane not to think that and that was your downfall. I honestly don't think she will take you back. I think this is a learning experience for you to be honest and faithful in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 The other woman is 10 years my senior, in love with me & has been for pretty much the whole time we've been off & on. She does hold a special place in my heart & I can say that I do love her but I am just NOT in love with her which make all the difference. I've never treated her well, never committed to her in any way at all. Yet she was worth risking ripping your gf's heart out over so you could get your lil willy wet. I always tried to walk away from the older woman because I knew outside of sex, we didn't have much else in common in the way of personalities. I was completely enamored by my new girl. apparantly not enamored enough. She was everything I wanted. But I was always ended up back in bed with the older woman. And for this reason you need to leave the other girl alone or come clean and let the chips fall where they may. Because if you can be soooo enamored, as you claim, by another girl, yet another woman can so easily get you to stick it to her....then what do you think will happen once your relationship with this girl gets old and you find yourself with her for a number of years? It will only be that much easier for a "hot" woman to get someone like you to stick it to them if you think you can get away with it. I think the reason was out of just being possessive. I didn't want her sleeping with someone else. Yet, here I was doing the exact thing I didn't want her doing. Very "male" of me, I know. No, not very "male" of you......very "YOU" of you. don't lump the rest of us in your category. Now just a week ago, the day before Valentine's Day, my g/f received a text from a number that she didn't recognize. The text asked if she happened to be with me. Of course, my heart started beating & started sweating & shaking because I knew I was about to be busted. Then it all came down. The following text said, "Just know that you aren't the only one." The other woman told her EVERYTHING via text. Good, one less betrayed person left in the dark. So here I am now, without either one of them. I feel bad about referring the older woman as the "Other" woman because she was in my life well before my g/f ever was. But I know that they both think that way about each other. I have been forced to be honest with not only them but with myself, confront the past and not only my choices but the reasons behind my choices. And I'll tell you, it was a long time coming. They both treated me like gold & I continually lied to them just to get away with some childish game I was playing. A lot of "studies" on cheating will say people cheat because they are missing something at home or don't feel appreciated. That wasn't the case with either one of them. Thats what I've been saying all along, but you aren't going to get most cheaters and OW/OM at this forum to agree with that. Here at LS its the fault of the betrayed party more than not. I have expressed extreme remorse & sorrow for what I've done to both. I've begged & pleaded for my g/f to take me back but at this point, to no avail. I've sent flowers, wrote letters & cards, even went to her parents house to confess what I had done & let them know how much I love her. Her father said I am definitely facing an uphill climb. If anything, I know it will just take time. Uh no....if she doesn't want you, then you need to respect her wishes. Not keep trying for your own selfish reasons. To say "I know it will just take time" is to say, "I'm going to keep trying even if she doesn't want me". So you think thats it? it will just take time? forget that she might not want a thing to do with you ever...you are sooo irresistible that in time, why wouldn't she want you back? maybe you should leave her alone. And THEN if she comes to you, it might be a different story. So I'd like to hear from guys (or girls) that have done this to someone else & from women with some insight to all of this & would you would do. Also what else I could do to make it up to her. You could leave her alone and let her move on with her life. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Yes there're isn't much you can do except respecting her wishes. If she does wants to come back then do what she wants you to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheream_i Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Thank you very much to everybody for all of the responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Well you could at least let us know what you intend to do, now we've all had the common courtesy of helping you out......? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 And if it does, is it ok to just stomp all over the old lady's heart? And if sex with a lesbian makes it ok to stomp all over the old lady's heart, does it also make it ok to stomp all over the lesbian of said sex? I'm trying to figure out whether behaving badly with a woman 10 years older than oneself is any different than behaving badly with a woman about one's own age yet who happens to be a lesbian. I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 You're not the only one... Have I missed something? What's with the 'lesbian' question......?? Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 OP said he "turned" a lesbian and was proud of that, but still puzzled over said lesbian being annoyed for being played. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wheream_i Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 OP said he "turned" a lesbian and was proud of that, but still puzzled over said lesbian being annoyed for being played. Never said I was puzzled about why she was annoyed. As far as being proud, I never said I just ran out & put it up on a billboard. And said we often joked about it amongst ourselves. And the reason I mentioned it here was to state the fact that I was the first male she has dated & made a pretty lousy impression of my gender. And I think a lot of the responses took whatever I said a little too far. This is just a case of someone who got caught cheating. As far as where we stand now, it took her about a week to cool off & let the anger subside. We have been spending time cordially talking about the situation. Sometimes back to laughing together & talking like friends. However, the emotions she feels run the gamut as to be expected. From wanting me to leave her alone to her not wanting me to give up. When I went to hug her & apologize for everything, she actually hugged me back & told her I respect her boundaries as far as not trying anything else past that. It is an uphill battle I know I have ahead of me & this will be a true test of what's inside me & to show how much I am in love with her. We have a lunch date this weekend. As far as the other woman, I have talked to her to let her know that I have completely accepted responsibility & no longer running away from anything. I have confronted my choices & the consequences that come with them. Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 Where am I---you are nowhere near committment material---a one woman man, that is. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 What do you really want as an outcome of this situation? Do you want to reconcile with your g/f? Do you want to reconcile with your OW? Do you just want to go your own way without either? The only option you DON'T have is keeping them both. Clearly you tried that, and it didn't work. So, what is your GOAL now? Which, if any, relationship do you intend to try to keep? Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted February 28, 2009 Share Posted February 28, 2009 What do you really want as an outcome of this situation? Do you want to reconcile with your g/f? Do you want to reconcile with your OW? Do you just want to go your own way without either? The only option you DON'T have is keeping them both. Clearly you tried that, and it didn't work. So, what is your GOAL now? Which, if any, relationship do you intend to try to keep? The poor guy doesn't know what he wants. I think he has to experience "true" heartbreak first. Link to post Share on other sites
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