Am I a bad person???

[Beauty28]

I have this huge crush on a married man that I can't shake. Nothing has happened between us or anything but we do flirt with each other a little bit. And I even told him that it's too bad that he's married... meaning that I like him.

 

I can't really say that I don't know what to do because the logical thing for me to do is just leave him alone and forget about it. But I actually fantacize about him and I just wish that I could not think about him. But the fact of the matter is that I have to see him sometimes because we kind of work together.

 

We get along really well and I think he is amazing. I didn't even really notice him at first until I realized how smart and talented he is. Now I am just completely drawn to him.

 

Now I think that I am a bad person because I actually ask myself if he REALLY is flirting with me or just being nice. Like he'll touch my arm, or nudge me with his shoulder alittle. Yesterday he texted me asking if I was going to be at the studio (where we work) and I asked why? And he said that he just wanted to know who was going to be there. So, in my mind... I was thinking... why would he just text ME then if he wanted to see if just ANYBODY was there... could it be that he wanted to see if I was there because he kind of likes me too??? Maybe I am just reading into things too much. But like stuff I do... he'll say 'That's Sexy'!

 

My sister thinks he likes me too but I don't know. I just think I am a bad person now because I actually want him to like me. But I don't want him to like me as 'the other woman' or a 'fling'... So it's a difficult situation for me in my head because I wish he wasn't married. But the fact that he is... he remains off limits. But I can't stop thinking about him.

[signedin2008]

You're playing with fire.

 

How would you feel if a girl does what you do now to your husband, while you have children, marriage, and a family with this man?

[Beauty28]

Not new to this site but new to this forum or topic. So now that I am reading other threads... I feel a bit stupid for even posting this. Because I am probably just going to hear... (or see)... 'Get Over It'. Which is fine and all but it's just hard.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm curious - how old are you?

 

Mr. Lucky

[whichwayisup]

You're his ego stroke.

 

And I even told him that it's too bad that he's married... meaning that I like him.

 

You told him this and now he knows you're "into" him and he's playing a little game with you. Not malciously, but for selfish and fun reasons which makes him feel good. It has nothing to do with you on a personal level (Meaning he has no intentions of cheating or leaving his wife for you) so don't go reading into every little thing he says or does around you.

 

Oh and you CAN stop thinking about him..You are allowing yourself to fantasize about him, to think about him and create little senario's, picturing yourself with him in bed or whatever..Stop doing that! All it's doing is feeding an innocent crush into FEELINGS that are totally one sided. Those kinds of crushes can get out of hand and become obsessions.

 

Just don't cross the lines with him. Keep it on the straight and narrow.. IF he ever makes a move on you, say NO. Respect yourself and someone else's marriage, even if he doesn't in the long run. If he makes a move on you it'll just show what a dog he is.

 

Another thing to think about, office gossip. Do you want to be known as the "one" who sleeps with married men? It can get really vicious if people think you two are having an affair.. Think of your work reputation.

 

Anyway, I hope you don't do something stupid and allow a kiss or a touch to happen.

 

You're not bad, but you are close to putting yourself in a bad situation where HIS innocent wife will be hurt. You want to help this man betray his wife and family? Does he have children?

[Beauty28]

Mr Lucky.. I am 29.

 

Anyhow... in reply to Whichwayisup... No... I wouldn't let it go that far because we work together anyway and I DO respect myself! Just because I have these feelings doesn't mean that I have no self control. I'm old enough and have had enough experiences to know how most guys think. I know that I stroked his ego by saying that I wished he wasn't married. But I didn't do it to get a reaction from him... I kinda just needed to get it off my chest and out in the open. Further more... he has made NO KIND of moves on me so I am perfectly sure that he will not cheat on his wife. I do not want that at all! What I DO want is for him to not be married because I do like him. But feeling that way is also a lost cause. Also, a person can't just STOP feeling the way they feel.... it's all about how a person handles a situation. Anyhow... I appreciate that you telling me that I am not a bad person because my feelings make me feel like I am already! I wouldn't want to feel any worse than I already do! However... reading your response reinforces it a bit more.

[whichwayisup]

kinda just needed to get it off my chest and out in the open.

 

But do you not see how inappropriate it is to tell a married man that you have feelings for him? You were only thinking of yourself..Not him or what affect it might have overall. Whatever innocence that was there BEFORE you told him is now gone. Lines have been crossed. That was the mistake you made. Telling someone you have a crush on them when you know you can't have them is the wrong thing to do..

 

Anyway, I'm glad to help because noone here wants to see you get messed up and involved in an affair. Good to know you respect yourself and have strength to know NOT to pursue him.

 

Also, a person can't just STOP feeling the way they feel

 

But you can control it and stop yourself from fantasizing about him. It's like a habit and you have to re train your brain, replace those thoughts with something else and keep busy.

[LostLamb]

Only you know what you want to do next-start an affair with him or distance yourself .

Telling a person you fancy them is never a good idea if they are attached.

It is giving them an open invitation to take things further and start trouble

[Lizzie60]

Methink.. that now that you let him know that you like him.. (he's not stupid ),.. you peeked his interest.. and if he wasn't interested before.. he will become interested now...

 

Sometimes.. MM don't think much about 'cheating' until they get a 'flirt' or something to strike their ego.. and then 'BOOM'.. they become kinda 'obsessed' with the OW...

 

It is a dangerous slope.. so be prepared if he shows you more and more interest as he now know that you like him..

[Lizzie60]

and.. I should add..

 

You're NOT a bad person.. you're only human.. and humans can't always control their emotions..

[silktricks]

First - no, of course you aren't a bad person. You're young and have allowed yourself to get mentally attached to a person who isn't available, though, and that can lead you down a dangerous path - one you've already taken steps along.

 

Also, a person can't just STOP feeling the way they feel....

 

It's a whole lot easier to never allow yourself to feel an inappropriate way in the first place - and yes, that is possible. Just as it is possible to stop feeling a way they know they shouldn't. It's just that the second is harder.

 

You need face the fact that the road you are currently traveling will lead to heartache for someone - you at the very least, and if you get entangled with him romantically, than probably more than one someone. Distract yourself from thinking of him in a romantic fashion. Find yourself other interests. Don't spend time alone with him if at all possible, and every time you think of flirting with him, stop and think about the fact that he is married to someone else.

 

Since your own opinion appears to be that cheating is bad - then every morning when you look at yourself in the mirror remind yourself that you are a good person and want to always be able to view yourself in that light.

[bentnotbroken]

and.. I should add..

 

You're NOT a bad person.. you're only human.. and humans can't always control their emotions..

 

 

No we can't control the emotions, but we can control whether or not we act on those emotions. And she has already acted, inappropriately by telling him she wishes he weren't married. She started to open that can of nasty worms.

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr Lucky.. I am 29.

I'm surprised, because it all seems so high-school. You wonder if he likes you, your sister thinks he does, he texts you, you can't stop thinking about him, etc.

 

You're playing with someone's life here. Press your imaginary fast forward, 10 years from now, maybe you're married, perhaps with kids. And some woman is thinking about making a move on your husband.

 

What would you say to her? Would you consider her a "bad person" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[White Flower]

I'm surprised, because it all seems so high-school. You wonder if he likes you, your sister thinks he does, he texts you, you can't stop thinking about him, etc.

 

You're playing with someone's life here. Press your imaginary fast forward, 10 years from now, maybe you're married, perhaps with kids. And some woman is thinking about making a move on your husband.

 

What would you say to her? Would you consider her a "bad person" ?

 

Mr. Lucky

Excellent post Mr. Lucky.

 

B28, all I can say as someone who was once the OW please don't do it. Right now you are only in the 'what if' stage. Once it is the 'I love him and don't want any one of us 3 to hurt' stage it is too late. Hearts break all around.

 

Find a free guy.

[confused and broken]

I think its disgusting

But whatever thats "just how I feel"

and we cant control feelings

If I ever felt that way I would quit my job and switch countries

And yes there are married men I could hit on in my life but taken happens to be a turn off

Honestly I find it hard to believe there are women out there who even entertain these ideas let alone go through with them

It gives us all a bad name

 

PEOPLE BREAK UP/DIVORCE and then flirt and get laid STOP CHEATING

[OpenBook]

No we can't control the emotions, but we can control whether or not we act on those emotions.

 

Bingo. That ability to control the MANIFESTATION of our emotions is what separates us humans (or doesn't) from the animals.

 

And she has already acted, inappropriately by telling him she wishes he weren't married. She started to open that can of nasty worms.

 

And she knows it, and she is here seeking help. I think that is a very positive step. She is aware that the path she's approaching is a dark one. And she's fighting it. I say, good for her.

[Beauty28]

LOL. You all gave me some good stuff here. Thanks. I appreciate all your answers. Yea... maybe it was wrong to tell him that. After words I did tell him that we can only be friends... don't know how much that helped with the situation or not.

 

I myself have been the victim of the OW with my last relationship and the man I was with left me for the OW. So I wouldn't want to bring that nasty Karma back on myself.

 

It IS kinda highschool... that is totally how I feel. And I need to reassess my thoughts and get over it. I can't just switch jobs because I am in the Music industry (if only you understood). Anyhow... I CAN try to only be there at the studio when he's not there. That way... I don't see him and it would be easier to get over.

 

Also... I am almost sure tho.. that he wouldn't cross those lines. There have been numerous times that we've been at the studio by ourselves and he hasn't even so much as touched me. I think he knows that I am a respectable woman and I carry myself that way. I don't dress all provacative around him or anything. And when we are there... we talk about music or what we are working on.

 

Even if he DID fancy me alittle... He seems to be a pretty good guy.

 

I am a firm believer that a little flirting is harmless as long as lines aren't crossed and neither of us has crossed that line.

[whichwayisup]

I am a firm believer that a little flirting is harmless as long as lines aren't crossed and neither of us has crossed that line.

 

Unfortunately you did cross that line by telling him how you feel about him..

 

Also... I am almost sure tho.. that he wouldn't cross those lines

 

You can't control what he does, but you can control yourself and your reactions IF he does try to make a move on you.

 

Flirting is fun and harmless AS LONG AS it's kept that way and it isn't bringing on intimate feelings. I just worry for you that you're into him more than you care to admit.. Crushes are fun, as long as you don't let it take over..So, try not to allow yourself to go into fantasy mode with him, hope that one day he'll be yours, that he isn't married. Reality is, he IS married and he's not available to you or any other woman. Only to his wife.

[Beauty28]

And she knows it, and she is here seeking help. I think that is a very positive step. She is aware that the path she's approaching is a dark one. And she's fighting it. I say, good for her.

 

Thankyou... That is precisely why I am here. To seek help. I was right to assume that I would get tore up alittle by the responses that I got. But I was prepared to read them.

 

I could have jus been an ********* and made a move on him. But I am not that kind of woman. I jus feel bad for even likeing him and I haven't even done anything really.

[jj33]

Dont be so sure he would never crossed the line.

 

He may think hes getting signals from you that it is OK to come closer and that you are "up for it". Why else would you tell a married man that you have feelings for him? Its could be a green light from his perspective and you couldnt blame him for thinking that it was.

 

Youd be surprised how many people who sound like they would never cross the line actually might try, if they think the woman has given them permission to cross it.

If hes paying more attention to you, then you need to back away. Tell him you were silly and wrong to have said that to him, that he is married and you respect that because to you marriage is sacred. he will probably say of course it is to me too.

 

You are asking for trouble if you dont back away. And make sure not to spend any unnecessary time with him alone. You may say oh but we are friends it doesnt mean anything. But it does because you opened the door suggesting that you might want something more.

[Beauty28]

I just worry for you that you're into him more than you care to admit.. Crushes are fun, as long as you don't let it take over..So, try not to allow yourself to go into fantasy mode with him, hope that one day he'll be yours, that he isn't married. Reality is, he IS married and he's not available to you or any other woman. Only to his wife.

 

No.. I do like him alot. And I am aware that he can't be mine. Also, I am not the kind of woman that would want to SHARE any man... married or not.

 

Thanks... I understand what you are saying tho... that he's not available to me. That's kinda what keeps me sane in this situation.

 

I am trying my hardest not to fantacize about him. Which is why I am here. Talking it out with you guys helps alot!

 

After posting and reading your replys... I can happily say that last night I didn't go to bed thinking about him. I went straight to sleep.

[Beauty28]

He may think hes getting signals from you that it is OK to come closer and that you are "up for it". Why else would you tell a married man that you have feelings for him? Its could be a green light from his perspective and you couldnt blame him for thinking that it was.

 

Not really because I've already told him that we can ONLY be JUST FRIENDS.

 

I realize that it may have been a mistake to even mention it to him. I've never really been in this kind of situation before. I just thought that getting it off my chest would help ME move on from it. But I realize now, that I was only thinking of myself.

 

Unfortunantly I have to be there with him sometimes because we have showcases at the studio. I've already told my sister that I'd bring her along in these instances so that she can be there for me. She's already told me 'OFF LIMITS' a million times!!

[jj33]

Thats good. At least you have pulled back any notion he may have that you are open for business... so to speak. Its unfortunate but information like you gave to him, in the wrong hands, can set some people on a road they might not otherwise pursue.

 

Its normal to develop crushes on people you work with. You spend a lot of time together, you see them in a setting doing something they excel at (in most cases) and you share your days together.

 

It sounds like you have done all you can do. Now you just need to make sure your words match your actions.

[carhill]

Sounds like a nice guy. You want to be proper friends. Meet the wife and kids (my words)

 

Surefire way to put that innocent crush in perspective....

[Beauty28]

It sounds like you have done all you can do. Now you just need to make sure your words match your actions.

 

YES!!! I'm going to try and watch what I say and do more now. Especially since I have come back to earth (since visiting this topic)... and realize how awful the whole thing is!

 

My mom always tells me... "Never judge a person until you have walked a mile in their shoes".... It's hard not to be attracted to him since we share the same interests and he physically attractive.. IMO. But I can help how I handle this situation and if I am smart... I can get through this without doing anything bad!