Mr. Lucky Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I was simply stating that I like him but he's married so too bad... mostly too bad for me... because obviously there can never be anything between us. Have you thought about why you are so attracted to someone who is so obviously unavailable? It's interesting that, by developing these feelings for someone that can't (or shouldn't ) reciprocate, you're foreclosing any chance of participating in a healthy relationship... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 You have feelings for him, fine! That's not the problem. The problem is that you acted on it by telling him "it's too bad that you're married." This message is like putting yourself out there and saying that you're very interested. You don't do that to a married person. You need to learn when to shut up and keep things to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beauty28 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 Have you thought about why you are so attracted to someone who is so obviously unavailable? Mr. Lucky No because that is not the issue. Did you read the post about where I called a guy in Miami that I was in an LDR with... this man is single! I date single guys all the time. In town or not. The liking him stems from the fact that he is a very talented and smart individual... not that he is married. I only found out he was married AFTER I started liking him! Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Both married guy and long distance guy are unavailable to you. One because of his marriage, and the other because of distance. Is this a pattern for you? Do you often find yourself attracted mostly to guys who are unavailable in some way, either geographically, emotionally, maritally/dating someone else, age inappropriate, etc.? And do you find yourself rarely attracted to guys who are available? If it's a pattern, then you may have issues with intimacy. People with intimacy issues seem to have a tendency to fall for the people they can "never" really be with, and tend to feel little interest for the guys who can actually have and want a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
MichelleS1983 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 So big damned deal, you have a crush on some married guy. I, too, thought you were fresh out of high school from your story. You sound incredibly young and naive. You're an ego stroke for the guy and you made an ass out of yourself telling him, "too bad you're married." It's bull and you KNOW it, claiming you needed to get that 'off your chest' so you told him that. You told him that because you were hoping he'd throw you a bone and tell you how attracted he is to you, too. RESPECT. Learn it. One day, the love of YOUR life is going to be at work or somewhere else, and some young thing is going to be flitting around him, telling him that it's "just too bad that he's married/committed to Beauty28." Maybe THEN you'll understand what an underhanded, sneaky, and disrespectful little move that was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Beauty28 Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 You need to learn when to shut up and keep things to yourself. Let me ask you this... have you ever said anything you weren't supposed to say in your life??? THATS WHAT I THOUGHT!!! So shut the hell up! This is my que to be an a.. hole to you! For the rest of you who think that I seek out 'unattainable' men... Not True! If you think a long distance relationship is seeking the unattainable... tell that to the people in the LDR forum and see what they say to you. As I said... I date guys who are in the same city also. And if I was in the married woman's shoes... and some girl said things to my husband... I'd say to her... 'hell... if you can get him... you can have him'!!! Point Blank!!! Yep... I'm a young 29 year old... so the f..k what!!! The issue remains that I like someone who is married and maybe I did say something that I shouldn't have said... I am working on learning from my mistakes! Hence the fact that I came to this forum in the first place. With that being said... I'M OUT!!! Only 1 or 2 have givin me something that I can use to help better myself and the situation... So thankyou for that! I will use it! To the others... F..k Off! Cause normally I am an a.. hole and don't give a flying f..k and I don't need to justfy myself to worthless cyber monkeys! I'll deal with this on my own! Once again... thanks to those who have offered helpful solutions... I appreciate it! (You know who you are). Peace! Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 And if I was in the married woman's shoes... and some girl said things to my husband... I'd say to her... 'hell... if you can get him... you can have him'!!! Point Blank!!! You may be a great person right now but let's say...hypothetically speaking...that you do end up sleeping with MM then what do you think that MM's wife will think about you as a person ? I am sure you can figure out the answer yourself. I havent read the whole thread...but not sure if you MM has kids or not. Makes it even more worse. Ask anyone who went through betrayal...and who loved their spouses...it is the most devastating experience that you can ever imagine. You were alteast smart enough to come and post here and understand the dangers of playing with fire. Most folks who betray dont do that (my wife included). My advice to you is learn from here and see what can prevent you from being a bad person in the first place. Learn from others. Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 oh, forgot to ask, does that make me a cyber monkey ? I hope you are smiling ! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Your guy sounds flirty. Like he flirts with women, not just you. Its possible he has no current intention of cheating on his wife. Many dont. This is why they end up saying "It just happened". Many married guys looking to cheat just flirt with anyone hoping one will go for it. And you are. If you let him know you are interested, he will probably go for it. Marriage partners who flirt a lot often wind up cheating. So , if you give him the opportunity, he may jump on it. But you say you like him, not in an OW kind of way. You like him more than that. Forget it. He is flirting with you, not confiding in you. He will bang you, not leave his family for you. Does it make you a bad person? That would depend on your own personal values. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Interesting... If you post a thread on the OW forum asking "Am I a bad person?", and then describe the actions mentioned here... ...you were either hoping for everyone to tell you "no, you're a good person who made bad choices", or you were hoping for a fight. Neither was a step aimed at actually resolving the issue. You know that giving a MM the "hint" that you'd be interested in pursuing a relationship is a 'bad thing'. It's not exactly rocket science in making that link. I don't get what you're so angry about that you're screaming "F off" to everyone. What are you REALLY hoping to find here on LS? Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Also... I am almost sure tho.. that he wouldn't cross those lines. There have been numerous times that we've been at the studio by ourselves and he hasn't even so much as touched me.. that's how my charming husband gets other women all the time -- he starts off by telling them he is married, then proceeds to NOT touch them AT ALL -- all the time being ever so wonderful to them.... then.... <sigh> when they simply cannot understand why he is not trying to touch them or 'get them' unlike all those OTHER men they know.... sigh, then he innocently asks them out for lunch, and from there on it is all downhill.... (putty in his hands)... and they think he is so wonderful, being a happily married man n all, that soon enough Becomes Interested in Them!!! Wow, what a compliment! He prides himself on being Different (and NOT touching them or going for them initially makes him stand out in the poor OW's mind). Watch out! oh -- and another poster here suggested you ask about the wife and kids and to see photos? DONT do that!!!!! Because that just opens the door to intimacy with a married man... you have no business to discuss his marriage with him, and that step would be putting your toes in the pond. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Oh yea, you asked how to get him off your mind? Well, firstly, everytime you begin to think about him you snap yourself out of the daydream by shouting NO! and actively changing mental gears. If you like, use a behavioral technique of snapping an elastic band (which you should wear on your wrist for precisely this reason) and that sharp little pain will help you stop your wandering thoughts. If both of those methods don't help -- up the ante by imagining him with disgusting things on him (cockroaches?? bodily fluids?) or in a silly outfit... that will help distance your growing fondness and enable you to switch to negative thoughts of him. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 oh -- and another poster here suggested you ask about the wife and kids and to see photos? DONT do that!!!!! Because that just opens the door to intimacy with a married man... you have no business to discuss his marriage with him, and that step would be putting your toes in the pond. My suggestion was for her to meet his wife and children that way she could see how "real" they are and the fact his wife does "exist". Some OW can pretend the wife doesn't exist, doesn't have real feelings, so it's easier to help him betray his family. Geez athena, that's awful! Your H sounds like a total narcissist! What an ego feed for him to do that to OW. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Or as others suggested...ask him about his W and kids...ask to see photos. Ask him if HE knows any single men to set you up on dates... Hi Whichwayisup, nope I was referring to the above post... I think there's a difference between only SEEING the wife (a good thing) and asking (i.e. getting into a conversation about the guys marriage which often acts as a gateway to complaints etc and 'opening up' about intimate relationships) about the wife... & about asking him to set her up with a single friend, etc... Bad News Yes, you are correct, my H is a total N... our counselor has confirmed he is one... his actions further confirm this diagnosis. He is really, really, self-centered... I cannot even begin to tell you of all his 'techniques' he employs with these OW... he's been practicing his techniques for 28 years... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 another poster here suggested you ask about the wife and kids and to see photos? DONT do that!!!!! Because that just opens the door to intimacy with a married man... you have no business to discuss his marriage with him, and that step would be putting your toes in the pond. Yes, it is much healthier to socialize directly with the spouses, if at all, and not triangulate. Discussing a marriage with a person outside the marriage is triangulating. Unhealthy and inappropriate, regardless of gender. MC exists to handle discussion of marital issues. The OP seems to have a good head on her shoulders and is learning about some new tools to better manage situations which might arise. Hope it works out for her Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 The OP seems to have a good head on her shoulders and is learning about some new tools to better manage situations which might arise. Hope it works out for her Yes, and it is a great pity that she is 'out of here' since I for one would have liked to have gotten some feedback from her as to whether my advice is of any help to her, and an update on the current situation. Oh well. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Hi Whichwayisup, nope I was referring to the above post... I think there's a difference between only SEEING the wife (a good thing) and asking (i.e. getting into a conversation about the guys marriage which often acts as a gateway to complaints etc and 'opening up' about intimate relationships) about the wife... & about asking him to set her up with a single friend, etc... Bad News Yes, you are correct, my H is a total N... our counselor has confirmed he is one... his actions further confirm this diagnosis. He is really, really, self-centered... I cannot even begin to tell you of all his 'techniques' he employs with these OW... he's been practicing his techniques for 28 years... Then you and I simply disagree. I do believe that MM and single women can be 'just friends'. Namely because I have single women as friends - married ones too. During the course of normal and routine conversation, we talk about my marriage, her marriage or whatever in the course of normal conversation. Yeah, even sex. As friends. Boundaries. I have them. So the problem lies not within having men as friends (which you seem to think is impossible) but rather the individual. Whether the man is married or not makes no difference. So, I stand by my advice...OP, feel free to ask your male friends of their marriages, their wives, their families and if they have any single guy friends. As a friend. The MM you blurted "I like you" (not in so many words) now faces a TEST of CHARACTER...which he seems to be passing by NOT reciprocating. Sounds like a decent man...perhaps a decent friend. And friends are family w/o the blood ties. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Then you and I simply disagree. So the problem lies not within having men as friends (which you seem to think is impossible) Hi jwi, I have male friends too and do not cross boundaries with them, so I agree with you. However -- OP is clearly infatuated with MM and I think to START by asking him about his marriage/ talk of his single male friends is a dangerous slippery slope for her.... since the only way for it Not to get 'intimate' would lie completely with HIM at this point, she is already taken with him... I know that my cheating H uses so called innocent, trusting talk and advice on a woman's significant other as a gateway to getting personal with her... for her to trust him, like him, and open herself to him. Link to post Share on other sites
trubella Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 I don't get what you're so angry about that you're screaming "F off" to everyone. What are you REALLY hoping to find here on LS? um alot of ppl in this thread basically crucified the girl, even i can see what the anger is about, i dont think that comment was intended for everyone, only bashers as she did thank the posters who actually had something useful to say instead of bashing.. just saying. shes already explained her reasoning behind this post, apparently you missed it. Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Hi Whichwayisup, nope I was referring to the above post... I think there's a difference between only SEEING the wife (a good thing) and asking (i.e. getting into a conversation about the guys marriage which often acts as a gateway to complaints etc and 'opening up' about intimate relationships) about the wife... & about asking him to set her up with a single friend, etc... Bad News Yes, you are correct, my H is a total N... our counselor has confirmed he is one... his actions further confirm this diagnosis. He is really, really, self-centered... I cannot even begin to tell you of all his 'techniques' he employs with these OW... he's been practicing his techniques for 28 years... As a former Ow I must agree that meeting the W would have made a huge difference in whether I proceeded with or continued in the A. I couldn't do that to someone I know yet I found it bearable to do to someone I didn't know. Her being out of my circle made her a non-entity. So, I agree with Athena and WWIU. Link to post Share on other sites
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