Am I a bad person???

[Beauty28]

You want to be proper friends. Meet the wife and kids (my words)

 

Surefire way to put that innocent crush in perspective....

 

HA! That's a great idea! I doubt if it will happen tho. If an opportunity arrises for me to meet her (without being creepy)... I will.

[carhill]

So, merely express your desire to do so to him. After all, he's married and you're a friend and valued co-worker. My wife and I socialize with our opposite sex friends and colleagues all the time. Perfectly normal

 

If you read my background, you'll see I dealt with something similar. My suggestion is a result of a solution which worked for me.

[citizen67]

and.. I should add..

 

You're NOT a bad person.. you're only human.. and humans can't always control their emotions..

Agreed - you are not a bad person. If everyone who flirted w/ a taken person ("too bad your married") was bad, ther'd be alot of us burning in hell

[Beauty28]

Since because I have been reading the responses again to help me get over it.... I just want to add that I don't ever fall for a 'taken' or 'married' man. This is the first time it has happened.

 

And also I want to add that I didn't even know he was married when I first realized that I kind of liked him. The first thing I did when I realized that I had a crush on him was look at his ring finger. And he wasn't wearing a ring. So at first I didn't even know he was married. Then I found out that he was married when myself and some others where wondering where he was and someone said.. 'his wife had to go to a funeral'. And thats when I was kind of crushed.

 

So I ended up asking him why he wasn't wearing his wedding ring and he said that it was too tight now. And we had the conversation of marriage and I just told him... 'well.. too bad your married.... we can only be friends now.'

 

Since then... recently I've noticed that he is NOW wearing his wedding ring. So that is a sign that he wants people (me) to know that he is married. And a sign that he is telling me 'NO' without telling me.

 

So maybe the situation isn't as bad as it seems but I do still have the crush on him and wish that I didn't.

[carhill]

The good news is that it is exceedingly likely that the infatuation will subside with time and no feeding of it. It's when intimacy develops that it truly becomes difficult to let go. Flirtation? Less so, IMO. Sounds like you and he have it worked out. Ring on finger and you understanding the dynamic of your feelings and the right thing for you to do.

[norajane]

I am a firm believer that a little flirting is harmless as long as lines aren't crossed and neither of us has crossed that line.

 

If it's so harmless, then why are you posting on a message board to help you stop thinking about him?

 

You did cross a line with your comment about how it was too bad he was married. Many men would see that as an invitation to take things further. He, on the other hand, started wearing his ring again. That should be a big huge sign to you to back off.

 

In order to gain control over yourself, you need to be HONEST with yourself that no, flirting with a married man is not harmless and yes, you crossed the line.

 

And then do a little more digging and be honest about WHY marriage isn't the hard boundary for you that it should be, a hard enough boundary to immediately shut down your interest in and analysis of every little comment or text he makes to you. Instead of feeling intrigued by why he wanted to know if you'd be at the studio, you should have felt disgusted.

 

Instead of continuing to use him as fantasy fodder, think of him as a danger to your sense of self-worth. If he weren't, you wouldn't be asking if you're a bad person.

[TheButterShave]

You cannot always control what you feel. It's so easy to tell someone to just stop feeling a certain way or stop doing something but it's much harder when you're the one going through it. That being said, the advice is good but the tone is sometimes a little mean and condescending.

 

I've been where you are, albeit my situation was falling for a woman in a relationship and not marriage, and maybe that's why I sympathize with you and your feelings. Unfortunately, you should probably make some changes to how you behave around and toward him. The playful touching and texting should stop. It'd be different if it were just innocent flirting (I am all for flirting with anyone despite their relationship status) but given your intentions, and not knowing his, it's best to close the door before you find yourself in a situation that you won't be able to get out of. It'll be hard, definitely, but you have to. It was a confusing situation you were in seeing as how you fell for him before knowing he was married but now that you know, it's good that you're at least attempting to put on the brakes and reverse. Good luck

[OpenBook]

So maybe the situation isn't as bad as it seems but I do still have the crush on him and wish that I didn't.

 

Join the club, Beauty. I was in the same boat you're in, years ago. I decided not to do anything about my feelings. Years later, I still have them for him, even now... and I still don't understand why they're still there. But I am SO GLAD I haven't done anything about them!! It's one of the smartest moves I've ever made for myself. No good would have come from it. I'm better off now, WAY better off, from having done nothing.

 

Some things are just not meant to be, and better left alone. Just walk away from it.

[Beauty28]

Thanks ButterShave. Your right... some people are mean and condesending on here but I chose to ignore it because I am not on here to argue with anyone. I just want these feelings to go away.

 

I am being crucified for really not even doing anything. Even though I told him 'too bad...' I still don't feel like I was being a really bad person by saying it. Sometimes if people talk things out it helps. The feelings of being a bad person stem from the fact that I still like him even after knowing that he's married. Some people refuse to even give me credit for atleast taking the time to actually think things through instead of trying to act on my feelings. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives and not everyone thinks holy thoughts... so the ones who are beating me up even after I said that I am trying to get over this... go ahead and cast your stone!

 

My intentions really were to get advice from people who have been through this and can help me by maybe sharing how they have overcome it. Instead I am getting cyber stabbed by people. Makes me wonder how many of them are married women or men on here that are doing it. Don't wanna pry tho!

 

Those that are actually helping.. thanks! I appreciate all your thoughts.

[jj33]

Beauty I can tell you from having been through it and from having been a magnet for this type of attention my entire life, that there is one way to handle it.

 

As soon as you know someone is married, you tell yourself, he is married he is off limits. You create a very CLEAR line in your head that you will not cross.

 

You dont encourage the attentions of married men by flirting with them.

 

When you have feelings you work them out with someone OTHER than the married person because you respect the fact that he is married and your feelings are inappropriate. Speaking to him about it is selfish (and I am not condemning just stating fact).

 

What do you expect him to say other than I am married. As a married person it is not his job to tell you that he is off limits. He should if you tell him that, but the married status in and of itself should be enough.

 

As I said before its not unusual to have a crush on someone at work but you have to tell yourself no no no he is off limits and he will think less of me (because I assure you he will even if he is trying to get into your pants) if I continue to feel this way about him.

 

This is isnt cyber stabbing. Its reality. And if you are continuing the flirty texts and playful touching you are playing a little girls game and run a big risk of getting into a dilemma. You work with this guy, dont put yourself in a compromising position. If he feels you are leading him on and gets annoyed, it could get awkward. Bow out now.

[Beauty28]

Well we don't text eachother like that. I think we've only texted eachother about 4 times. Always things like.. 'Are you going to the studio??' or 'Is so and so at the studio'. There have been no flirty texting. As far as the touching... I have NEVER touched him. He touches me! Like an arm pinch here and there or he'll bump me with his shoulder. Nothing more than that. The flirting is more like smiles and eyes. We don't say stuff really to each other that is flirting. The couple of times that he mentioned that something I did was sexy was around people and I did not say anything back to him about it.

 

I could however, be imagining things... that he IS flirting with me when maybe he is just being nice.

 

In my defense.. I have backed away alittle by not talking to him as much. But I can't ignore him totally. As I said... I have to work with him sometimes.

 

Also, I am not afraid of other people's honesty like yours jj33. I apprecitate the honesty. A few people tho are making assumptions about me that are not true tho.

[jj33]

Truly am not bashing you. WHen I was younger I was naive. And I assumed that it was fine to joke around with married men and that they would know the spriit in which it was meant. I found the hard way that some do, some dont.

 

At first I thought, well that is their problem. I know where my lines are. Then over time I decided you know what, if I stay clear, then there can be no misunderstandings. I still joke around but in a different way. Those who want to misinterpret will, but I know that I am not doing anything to invite the "bad" attention. Because attention from someone who is married is not good attention, not even flattering. Its just a hiding to nowhere.

 

But you see that. I have a friend who taught me something. She just responds from her point of view, which is that of course he isnt flirting with you because he is married. Just stick to your position. And forget him as anything more than a colleauge. I remember having a huge crush on someone i worked for many years ago. And was shocked when he had an A with someone else in the office. But was actually glad he never unequivocably approached me in that way. I would never have said yes. She did...

 

I used to think about him, loved being around him at work but even when he was in the A with the other girl, I knew I would never ever have gone there. It just wasnt something that was smart. And he was someone I never expected to have an affair. Great upstanding family man. So be careful.

[TheButterShave]

Thanks ButterShave. Your right... some people are mean and condesending on here but I chose to ignore it because I am not on here to argue with anyone. I just want these feelings to go away.

 

I am being crucified for really not even doing anything. Even though I told him 'too bad...' I still don't feel like I was being a really bad person by saying it. Sometimes if people talk things out it helps. The feelings of being a bad person stem from the fact that I still like him even after knowing that he's married. Some people refuse to even give me credit for atleast taking the time to actually think things through instead of trying to act on my feelings. Everyone makes mistakes in their lives and not everyone thinks holy thoughts... so the ones who are beating me up even after I said that I am trying to get over this... go ahead and cast your stone!

 

My intentions really were to get advice from people who have been through this and can help me by maybe sharing how they have overcome it. Instead I am getting cyber stabbed by people. Makes me wonder how many of them are married women or men on here that are doing it. Don't wanna pry tho!

 

Those that are actually helping.. thanks! I appreciate all your thoughts.

 

No, you're not a bad person. Should you have said that? Eh, probably not but to be totally honest, I'd probably say the same thing. I personally would never want to be the one to break up a relationship but I'm also human and don't always say what is right and do what is right 24/7. I understand both sides. The problem with flirting is that it "plants a seed" and where someone may not have been thinking about you in that way now sees a window being opened. I think the best thing to do (it's helping me) is to think about if this were happening to you and how you'd feel, and like I said earlier, change your behavior.

[Beauty28]

Yep... your right jj33. You just never know and can trust anyone. I will mos def watch my back. If he does ever try anything or say anything that heads in that direction I will let him know. I will say NO... You are married!!!

 

Easier said than done which is why I will keep you all posted on my progress so that I have somewhere I can go to discuss these things.

 

Trust me... I have married guy and girl friends and my intentions were not ever to try and break up his marriage. I guess a part of me wanted him to know that if he wasn't married then Ok.... since he is... it's DONE!!!

[jj33]

Thats the dangerous part Beauty. You want to think gee if he wasnt married hed choose me.

 

But that is a dangerous path. He is married and suggesting that if he wasnt there could be more leads to some of the heartbreak you see on here because some men try to figure a half way house or compromise of sorts. Otherwise known as an affair... You dont want to go there.

[bentnotbroken]

Thankyou... That is precisely why I am here. To seek help. I was right to assume that I would get tore up alittle by the responses that I got. But I was prepared to read them.

 

I could have jus been an ********* and made a move on him. But I am not that kind of woman. I jus feel bad for even likeing him and I haven't even done anything really.

 

 

Exactly, you can't do it if you aren't a that kind of person. You couldn't have been whatever it is you called yourself(********). But you do know the situation, run......now.

[signedin2008]

It's people like you that have no or very weak boundaries that wreck homes. I am sure if he also show interest after you telling him that you were interested and he persue you, with your crush, you two would have slept together and his wife dealing with a distant soon to be ex-husband and the children facing growing up with a broken home.

 

These days, it seems that people are without morals, decency, or boundaries. They just do and say what feels "good" at the moment withour regards to life altering consequences. Really, it's sickening.

[whichwayisup]

Trust me... I have married guy and girl friends and my intentions were not ever to try and break up his marriage.

 

That's because you don't have feelings for that guy..

 

Anyway, I'm glad posting here has helped you.

[Beauty28]

You couldn't have been whatever it is you called yourself(********).

 

A.. hole! Thats what I tried to say. But I put $$ signs for the S's and they bleeped it anyway

[Beauty28]

That's because you don't have feelings for that guy..

.

 

Actually I meant that my intentions were not to break up the marriage of the guy that I am talking about.

 

I just wish I didn't like him. :(

[whichwayisup]

I just wish I didn't like him.

 

Well meeting his wife will make it more personal for you. It'll put a visual for you that she does really exist and that she's a real. Some OW prefer to not have anything to do with the wife that way it's easier for them to pretend she doesn't exist so the guilt factor doesn't affect the affair. Putting a name and a face to his wife will definately make you see him in a different light. And that will help you stop liking him so much especially when you see them together, it'll look and feel more real and that it's a total waste of your time and energy to bother liking someone who isn't available.

[Beauty28]

So I was at a weak moment thinking about the MM so I called my Long Distance interest just now.

Originally I joined this site because I was in an LDR with this guy who lives in Miami. We've decided to just be friends since he is an entertainment attorney and travels alot and it would be hard for us to keep any kind of meaningful relationship. Anyhow... he's still single and we still talk to each other. So I called him just now and let him know how much I miss him. He told me he misses me too. I wish he was here with me because he could definently make me forget about the MM.

[signedin2008]

It's people like you that have no or very weak boundaries that wreck homes. I am sure if he also show interest after you telling him that you were interested and he persue you, with your crush, you two would have slept together and his wife dealing with a distant soon to be ex-husband and the children facing growing up with a broken home.

 

These days, it seems that people are without morals, decency, or boundaries. They just do and say what feels "good" at the moment withour regards to life altering consequences. Really, it's sickening.

 

 

I don't think you didn't do "anything." You told a married man OUT LOUD that it's "too bad" that he is married. You clearly showing interest in him in a obvious way that's so clear that's inviting him to do something about it. How inappropriate is that? How would you feel if some chick did that to your husband if you have one?

[jwi71]

Beauty,

 

I'm glad you recognize the path you are walking leads to NOTHING good - in your life or his.

 

Telling him that was a free pass to make a pass. You're inviting it by saying those types of things to ANY man. Any unscrupulous married one will act. It doesn't sound like he has...good for him and NOT so good for you (for crossing that line to begin with).

 

Understand where you went wrong?

 

I think you do.

 

You CAN have friends who are men, even MM. But do NOT cross the line. Quick litmus test: would you say or act like "that" with his W there? No? Then you've crossed the line.

 

In the great scheme of things (whatever the eff that is), you said something horribly naive. You unlocked a door that should NEVER be unlocked, much less opened. Set boundaries with him and move on with your life. Or as others suggested...ask him about his W and kids...ask to see photos. Ask him if HE knows any single men to set you up on dates...

[Beauty28]

@signedin2008... I must have missed your original post. Anyhow...obviously I wouldn't want to wreck someone's home which is why I am here. Do you think that I want to feel this way??? The answer is NO! I would not sleep with him. Yes, I may have told him something that was inappropriate but I realize that. I am a respectable girl. And I do not run around trying to sleep with MM. Did you read the post where I said that I did not know he was married at first because he was not wearing his wedding ring? And I did tell him that we can only be friends now because he is married.

 

What's your angle here?

 

It's more beneficial for me to read replys from people that are actually trying to help me get over my feelings for him. Like the person who suggested I should meet his wife. That is a great idea... and an example of why I am here. To seek help for having these feelings. I have not acted on anything and neither has he. I am confident that he loves his wife and I am not trying to get in the way of that. I just don't want to feel this way about a man that is unattainable.

 

What does 'people like me' mean? Who are 'people like me'? Do you mean women that try to break up a happy home? If so, no... I am not that person.

 

Furthermore... we are both in the entertainment industry. He sees beautiful women everyday who have said inappropriate things to him... worse than what I said. I was simply stating that I like him but he's married so too bad... mostly too bad for me... because obviously there can never be anything between us. I only feel like I am a bad person because I actually still like him even after knowing that he's married. But I am working on that!