Keeping up the sexual aspect of the R, LD

[Els]

Anyone else having problems with this? Or am I just too spoilt and it's actually a known fact that sexual stuff is always going to be left behind when the distance comes? My guy and I used to do the teasing/subtle suggestive gestures initially at a distance (before we got together IRL), but that definitely dies down a lot when things have progressed and we actually had sex when we were together IRL.

 

Also, life gets in the way soooo often... I'm busy, he's busy, one of us is tired, different schedules... IRL we'd usually sneak out some time to go at it anyway because it's so worth it but at a distance it just doesn't seem worth dragging yourself out of bed to do mutual masturbation on cam!

[Island Girl]

I guess that is the one reason why we are lucky he doesn't have a computer!

 

We just solve things the "old fashioned way" when there is an opportunity on his side we just talk our way through it with total recall. Just the sound of his voice has become an instant trigger at times!

 

As far as my availability goes, well, I ALWAYS make time for that particular call even if I am tired or had a bad day, etc. It is so rare that he is in a position to and it really only takes a short time.

 

I must admit though that sometimes I do it as a gift for him and I'm not really participating.

 

He is a man after all and has been essentially involuntarily celibate for 76 of the last 77 months...

 

I am not saying it is not difficult for me - I just think it has got to be different for a 42 year old man that has been used to having sex anytime he wanted since he was 17 years old (or before...I never did press for a straight answer on that one...).

[taiko]

On Memorial Day on PBS they were running Letters from Home, or some similar title. One letter was a young bride describing her honeymoon to hubby overseas which in that day and age could be considered borderline pornographic. There is nothing new here except the technology. The moral, religious, social coding against providing for your love was the same. Some did others didn't.

 

In a LDR you have a choice. The technology exist, you can get over your squeamishness or not. He can masturbate alone or with you as a couple. He can decide that he can get away with a fling the girl nearby or remain faithful. There are no guarantees.

[Rollercoasterr]

We usually have no problem with finding the energy to do it. But there are days when I'm so tired that I would rather just go to bed instead of doing that. Until of course, I start remembering everything about him, and then I'm dying to have him, lol. Seriously, the sexual energy between him and I is a little out of control sometimes. If we didn't do it, we might just blow up. 5 more days, though.

[Island Girl]

He can decide that he can get away with a fling the girl nearby or remain faithful. There are no guarantees.

 

Yes and so can she.

 

This is no different in an LDR or in person.

 

It certainly does not pertain the the original post.

[Els]

The technology exist, you can get over your squeamishness or not. He can masturbate alone or with you as a couple. .

 

Taiko... we already DO the mutual masturbation on cam... I thought my post indicated that. My concern was that it's a lot less frequent than IRL... because it doesn't seem so worth making time for, and it's lacking in variety... I myself wouldn't want to do that everyday, unlike having RL sex everyday.

 

How does anyone else spice it up, with other things? Wow Islandgirl, I'd never be able to 'do it for him' properly if I wasn't in the mood... but then again when he sees I'm not in the mood he never asks. Also, since he's the one with the busier schedule and more challenging course by far, I

always seem to be the one initiating..

[Island Girl]

Wow Islandgirl, I'd never be able to 'do it for him' properly if I wasn't in the mood.

 

You'd be surprised what an active imagination men can have when they need it!

 

I just tell a little and then he runs with it.

[Rollercoasterr]

I second that, Island Girl. My guy needs little more than a simple "I want you" from me and he's flying off at the handles with his crazy imagination. Makes me feel sort of good about myself to know that he has such a vivid memory of me, and the things we do! lol :bunny:

[Els]

Sorry for bumping my own post, I just have further thoughts/questions about this and thought it would be better to continue than to start a whole new thread.

 

I'm not sexually satisfied, to be honest. Not even close. I do know that he's usually busy, although it's more the case of him being too stressed to be in the mood (exams, work, assignments) than actually not having the TIME, to be honest. I'm considering two routes that I could take with this. The first could be to talk to him about it, tell him I'm really not satisfied. However, this could make it seem a bit of a chore to him, if he did it just to make me happy, and noone likes chores -- so I don't want to condition him into thinking that it's a chore. I want him to WANT it as much as I do.

 

Thus, the second option -- try and GET him into the mood. That would entail me doing... uh... some kinky things in front of him to try and get things going. I've done it before (very successfully, I might add! ), but that was at a time when he was less busy and more in the right mood overall. Of course, I'd only do this after talking to him for a while and trying to decipher whether the time is right and such... but I can't really tell for sure, to be honest. And IF I go to those lengths and he just turns me down or is half-hearted about it, I would feel much worse.

[Island Girl]

I can TOTALLY sympathize. Really.

 

There is always the chance that HE isn't satisfied either.

 

But he could be like my SO.

 

We had a talk a while ago - and he explained he really HATES the phone sex thing. It is a necessary evil as it stands right now but he confessed he is reminded that it isn't me or us as we really are.

He is a romantic and loves the romance during, and the cuddling after. It is not fulfilling for him.

 

Now, it isn't for me either. I would much rather have him here in person of course! But for me I would take what I can get.

He is never really in a position where he CAN accomplish the phone sex thing either.

He lives with a whole family and there are ALWAYS people around.

And I live alone. So it isn't such a problem for me.

 

I have had tremendous stress though. Anxiety and stress and it has killed my sex drive lately.

 

So it could be the same for your guy. If he is coming up on huge tests for school, and has a lot piled on him, it could effect his libido. It is common in any relationship.

 

LDRs are not immune to the same issues that other relationships go through. We just have added problems as well.

 

I know it totally sucks. But it is something that the two of you CAN work through.

 

And even if he does try harder to make you happy, what's the big deal? People make compromises all the time in relationships to please their SO.

A lot of those compromises deal with sex.

 

It is just something the two of you need to work on together.

 

But I would certainly approach it that you have an insatiable appetite for him and want him more. Not just that you want sex more.

It will help the conversation if he feels that you are just incredibly hot for him and only he can please you. Even if it is just his voice over the telephone.

[Els]

Thanks, Island Girl, the last comment especially was very thought-provoking. I'll certainly do that.

 

I don't want him to do it ONLY for me because the conditioning thing... it really happened before, in a previous relationship. If I knew I HAD to eat ice cream because my SO needed it, and it became a constant thing, after several rounds of it I wouldn't have much passion for ice cream. Any further, and I might actually even grow to be instinctively put off by ice cream. And I love ice cream, btw. I guess it's like why they say one party shouldn't be asking the other party out all the time.

 

What I mean is... it doesn't do anything for me if I know the other party isn't into it as well. I need to know my partner is enjoying himself, for me to enjoy myself. Otherwise it all just feels like a farce, and I'd rather just do it by myself.

 

The problem is he will ALWAYS be having tests, important ones, it's just the way his course is. It's not really a short-term thing. And the few times when we'd expected him to have a break... well, either the break didn't happen, or his college friends took the rare opportunity to have a sleepover or such. If it was just for this period of time I wouldn't be worried. We haven't had anything ever since he went back to uni in early February.

 

So which of my options for bringing it up do you think is better? I'm kinda deciding to try #2 first, since I've done it many times before, and then bring it up if #2 fails. But I've never had it fail before, so I need to be able to deal with it maturely if it does...

[Island Girl]

Certainly you can approach it that way.

 

Here's an idea:

Ask him about his test and if he feels so much better since it is over with. Get him to vent about how stressed he was and how glad he is that it is finally over with. Transition the conversation to how he's feeling.

 

Then use your "coy" voice and mention there has been something on your mind. That you have been thinking about him incessantly lately. You are having invasive thoughts about him (mention the things that drive you crazy about him) and ask him if he has been feeling the same way.

Be descriptive - overly so - and THAT alone will probably ignite sparks on his side.

 

In any event it certainly should lend itself to a positive discussion about the issue at hand.

 

Hope that helps - but it may be what you were already planning on doing.

[LikeCharlotte]

I want him to WANT it as much as I do.

I think about this all the time and I've finally come to the conclusion that WANT is measured by actions. There are so many reasons another person may not initiate that you cannot make it the basis for what you gauge their WANT to be.

 

And IF I go to those lengths and he just turns me down or is half-hearted about it, I would feel much worse.

As painful as rejection can be at least you will know where you stand and have something to use as a measure of his interest. I say do everything you can.

[Els]

Yes, something like that... in a different way, of course, that is so not me! I also will be getting some... things ready, including some which he got for me before. I just really hope I won't let all hell loose if it all ends up not working out!

 

LikeCharlotte, I'm not so sure that rejection would have anything to do with his interest in me or lack thereof... he might just still be really stressed out as he still has assignments to do... he always does, actually.

[LikeCharlotte]

Sometimes rejection isn't rejecting you but becuse of other things. It's still rejection and it sucks. My last LTR ended partly because although I wasn't specifically being rejected my advances were. Unfortunately it wasn't as simple as a loss of attraction. I think that would have been easier.

 

I have a lot of fear with the LDR intimacy because in the not so distant past I lived with someone, saw him everyday and there was no sex at all for awhile. It hurt and eventually I couldn't bear it and moved on. I just get scared sometimes that there is nothing I can do short of throwing my entire life away to move to another country potentially to have to come home to nothing. Circumstances have made it nearly impossible to manage any type of 'sex' for a longtime and I'm starting to get the feeling that enduring the 'itch' is one sided - and since I have no specific commitment - well, you can imagine what I go through in my head. I manage to not have sex with other people. It's not difficult. I'm just wishing I had any type of security or sexual intimacy at this point.

 

Sorry for the complaints. I was trying to get to this... Whenever possible (and its rare because of our living circumstances) I try to initiate and pull out all stops and props. The hardest part for me is trying to find a good time. Do you think its silly to make a time in advance? Do you think you could make plans, dates and times? Would that help?

[Els]

I rushed back to make sure we'd have enough time, hurried through my meal and was getting started, it seemed to be going well, he seemed interested and relaxed...

 

And then his friends literally came banging on his door. I could hear them. He was trying to stave them off but they insisted. So he went.

 

I know he barely has the time to see them at other times but... ugh! And I live with my family on weekends so I don't have time to do anything then, and he'll have new assignments on Monday...

 

Oh, **** this.

[Island Girl]

Damn.

 

That just sucks. And you can't preface the conversation with "we need to talk" because guys do not respond well to those words.

 

When is the next time you'll be able to talk?!!

 

I'd be really angry. I am kind of a Beyatch like that though.

I could care less if he doesn't see his friends. Are they the ones that are going to be rocking on the porch with him 30 years from now? Uh NO.

So, yeah, I'd have told him you'll talk to me now because I have been extremely courteous and not broached this subject because of your exam. But you need to reciprocate and not make me wait any further.

 

Yeah people I said I am a HellCat. No hating.

 

So you didn't even get a chance to even touch the subject?!!

 

HOW FRUSTRATING!! And after you were so good and waited.

That just SUCKS!!

[Els]

The problem is, he's ditched his friends on my behalf before, a few times, mainly when I was depressed or had problems and desperately needed someone to talk.

 

I guess this time he didn't know how much I needed this, although I hinted many times about what I was planning and showed him that I was very excited about it.

 

Unfortunately, when one ditches friends too often, a rift forms... and he has no other friends.

 

Unfortunately for him... all that doesn't stop me from being pissed.

 

Ironically, though, despite all that, the thought going through my head now is that if I bring it up all pissed and teary as I am, we certainly WON'T be doing anything pleasurable and intimate today... which is what I really want. More than anything. God, it's been postponed like 4 times over the past month already... he's had work, exams, failing exams, friends, family...

[Island Girl]

Don't I know the feeling.

 

My husband lives with 11 other people right now and 9 of those are kids. There always seems to be one of those around.

 

So frustrating! And you can't have a productive conversation if you are crying and upset. You are RIGHT that is NOT the conversation you need.

Especially about this.

 

Just remember anything worthwhile is difficult and takes effort. You WILL be able to discuss this.

 

It just sucks that you have already BEEN waiting and now you have to wait longer.

 

Do you know what his schedule is for next week?

 

At least you need another deadline day because if it is open ended that will just cause your emotions to skyrocket. At least mine would.

[Els]

Apparently he left me a message that, due to technical screw-ups, I only received just before he got back.. it said that he would only be joining them for lunch and thus would be back soon. He was also very apologetic when he got back, and actually initiated where we left off, rather eagerly and uhh 'enthusiastically'... so I just enjoyed the moment and decided I didn't need the serious talk, for now. I'm not sure how good an idea that was for the long term, but I certainly wasn't going to spoil it for him the ONLY time in a month that he was eager to initiate!

 

Also he seemed a lot more tender, affectionate, attentive, even happier, after we were both done... damn, if that was the effect of such activities then why did he not want to do it more? I'm not sure though if he was only like that because the stress was over, which ALSO allowed him to enjoy our cybersex.

 

Btw, Island Girl, thanks for your support through that little valley I went through the past few days! I've been following your thread as well, although I didn't post there as I have absolutely no useful advice to offer regarding your problems. I just hope the interview and everythign goes well and you can finally have the life that you so want!

[Island Girl]

Also he seemed a lot more tender, affectionate, attentive, even happier, after we were both done... damn, if that was the effect of such activities then why did he not want to do it more? I'm not sure though if he was only like that because the stress was over, which ALSO allowed him to enjoy our cybersex.

 

I think he has just been incredibly stressed and yesterday was kind of a "relief day" where he was able to see his friends and let go of other things briefly -- and then you (and the sex) were the FIRST things that came to mind.

 

You did not make a mistake in not talking to him right now. I would have basked in the glow as well. If it does come up again, just remember this day and that he probably does get overstressed and it may be the reason why. It could help in your approach as well.

 

Btw, Island Girl, thanks for your support through that little valley I went through the past few days! I've been following your thread as well, although I didn't post there as I have absolutely no useful advice to offer regarding your problems. I just hope the interview and everythign goes well and you can finally have the life that you so want!

 

Well I did talk to him for four or five minutes last night and that was long enough to get on the same page with everything.

Exchanged supportive I love yous and we are solid.

 

I hope so too. It has been a long time coming.