BodaciousBunny Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Originally posted by PhantomHead Were you a virgin when you guys met and he took your virginity and now you can't let him go? I think you're afraid you're never going to find anyone else. HELLO, There are millions and millions of guys out there. If it works out, great, if it doesn't big F**kin deal, You're still young and have many years ahead of you. You don't fall in love with someone and then just move on... I'm giving him space, I left a few things at his house - so I'm going to go get them tuesday. I haven't talked to him since friday, so I am backing off. Thank you emokind for all your advice I know what I need to do...it's just hard. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 You are not looking at the big picture. All you are doing is grasping on to any sign of hope, while completely ignoring that he has point blank told you he doesn't think the two of you are compatible. He can love you, but that doesn't mean he wants to have a relationship with you. He thought you were a different kind of person than you are...that's not your fault...his perception was off. Once he got to know you and lived with you, he realized that. I think the job stress was a nice excuse to get out of the relationship originally, but beyond that he has told you that he does not think you two are compatible. The first IM you posted was very telling. Even HE thinks you are in denial. Even HE thinks you are not listening to what he is saying. Even HE thinks that you have an unrealistic view of the relationship. You must GET A LIFE. Stop having these hours long IM sessions with him. His tone portrays that you are being a huge pain in his butt. You will not ever get him back by doing what you are doing now. (And I question whether you will even if you do something different...he seems very sure that you two are not compatible for a relationship.) He cannot make you happy, nor is that his job. You need to get a job, get a life, and stop dwelling on any positive word he throws your way. He very much seems like he does not want to hurt you, but YOU ARE NOT GETTING IT. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO HIM. It seems very clear to me that he does not want to be with you anymore. Why aren't you understanding that? What will it take? Because trust me, he will eventually blow up at you if you continue to not get it. Find some hobbies. Go to college. Get a job. (You don't work? How do you swing that?) Whatever. Do something, anything, to get your life on track. BUT DON'T DO IT FOR HIM. Do it for yourself. You will never, ever be happy if you are looking for a man to make you happy. That's not his job! Stop contacting him. Stop sending him your flowery journal entries. You are painting yourself as a desperate, needy, clingy woman. Take a step back and get some dignity. Love those who love you. He doesn't. Time to move on... Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 How could he fall in love with me and tell me he wants to marry me...saying this for 7 months and then just not be in love with me anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
emokid Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Hey You, That's what i tried to tell you the first time i posted to you. My girl told me she loved me that i was the boy of her dreams, that she wanted to marry me and have my babies, Then before you know it, She had a change of heart and felt she needed to do her own thing, for her OWN life. Where did that leave me? Crushed and devastated, but you know what, That's love. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes we give our hearts completely and they get broken. That's Life and Life Goes On!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 It's not suppose to happen that way... I'm sorry, but I still look at things as a fairy tale Link to post Share on other sites
emokid Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I Thought love was supposed to last and that two people in love could live happily ever after, but i've learned that sometimes love just ends. People change...people have changes of heart, people outgrow one another. You can't change a person, only they can change themselves. You can't force love or make someone love you or make them feel things they don't feel. It sucks and it hurts and it feels like the end of the world, but i'm telling you, you need to heal and transcend all of this pain and hurt so you can get to another level above all of this. It's tough and I am still doing it. I'm trying to get over my broken heart still to this day. But it gets better as time goes on, you'll start to realize that maybe it wasn't the best pairing of two people that you thought it was. Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Well if he wasn't in love with me anymore or didn't feel the same way anymore... why didn't he say something? why did he keep sleeping with me? smiling, laughing, acting like everything was perfect? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 How could he fall in love with me and tell me he wants to marry me...saying this for 7 months I'm sure he felt that way at the time... and then just not be in love with me anymore? And then he changed his mind. It happens all the time. Hence, divorce. It does not matter anymore what he said to you over the past seven months. What matters is what he is saying NOW. Well if he wasn't in love with me anymore or didn't feel the same way anymore...why didn't he say something? He was likely working through his thoughts in order to decide what to do. He probably hoped those feelings would go away. They didn't, and he said something. Problem is, you aren't listening to what he is saying now...would you have listened then? I'm sorry, but I still look at things as a fairy tale Life is not a fairy tale. Link to post Share on other sites
emokid Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 He may of felt that way at the time, He may have felt even "High" about talking about marriage but it probably went away. Same with my girl, she had been feeling like leaving for months before she finally told me. As far as him sleeping with you, Well (1) He's a man, sleeping with you most likely feels good, Even the most gentlemen of gentlemen would want to shower with a girl, then have sex with her and, (2) Like Clia said, He may have still been sorting thru things in his head, trying to figure out what he wanted, I mean he did say that he wasn't going to mention anything til you said something, it's like geez, Thanks a lot for not saying anything this whole time, Ya dork! Maybe you guys could have sorted stuff out together. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 You also might consider whether you are "addicted" to this relationship. There are books out there about Love Addiction...do a search on Amazon. Some characteristics of love addiction: Feels high as the fantasy is triggered Shows more neediness and denies reality of being abandoned Obsesses about how to get the person to return or how to get even Compulsively acts out obsessive plans Assigns a disproportionate amount of time, attention and "value above themselves" to the person to whom they are addicted, and this focus often has an obsessive quality about it Has unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from the other person in the relationship Neglects to care for or value themselves while they're in a relationship Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 It's not suppose to happen that way... Unfortunately, we get those ideas from fiction; books, movies, etc. How many relationships that you know of in real life have gone without a hitch or any problems? I'm sorry, but I still look at things as a fairy tale It would be nice if we could all live in a fairy tale cloud where life works out beautifully, the bad guys get their due, and love wins over all. However if you expect to live that way, you will only get grief because that's not life. Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I think he'll come back... he's never cheated on any of his past girlfriends or left them, they all left him - broken hearted. They all treated him bad, either cheated on him or demanded he buy this and that for them. Or just always yelled at him about nothing, they weren't nice. And yet he always wanted to go back with them, even though they hurted him and treated him like ****. I'm the only girl who has treated him decent and who has actually loved him... SO I have hope... if he would want to go back to demons like that, why wouldn't he want to come back to an angel..or something close to one =) Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Perhaps he prefers the demons to the nice girls. However, those "demons" likely had other, compatible characteristics with him--hence, why he still wanted them back. He doesn't seem to think the two of you are compatible. That isn't going to change, no matter how nice you are to him. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 if he would want to go back to demons like that, why wouldn't he want to come back to an angel..or something close to one =) It is your opinion that you are an angel - not his. You are saying 'compared to anybody else, I'm the best choice' but that is only your opinion and, unfortunately, an opinion he does not share. I suggest you read the book that Clia suggested. You really need to understand that he is not coming back. Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 So what are we(me and him) right now? We're not talking that much...we're not seeing eachother right now because he doesn't think it is a good idea. But when I left he said he still wanted to be with me, that was on sunday. He hasn't broken up with me...so what is this? Just a waiting period? Link to post Share on other sites
emokid Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Good Point Moimeme- BUT I think she needs to understand that Even if he DID come back, It's not going to be the same as before, he'd probablt just take her back because he felt bad, and what good would that do her? It wouldn't be fair to her or to him.. PLUS if he came back and she moved back in, At this point, What would have changed that could make things better for the both of them, Other than her word that she's going to be more independent and everything like that. This guy seems way too into his job and career and the last thing he seems to want is Love. She's desperate. She's feeling very desperate like she must save this relationship and it has to be NOW. It doesn't work that way. Only time can tell. Only time can tell. Only time can tell what will happen. Give It Time. Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I will give it time... I have to go over there tuesday to get my things I left, but do you think I should even do that? Or should I jsut wait - it is stuff that I need at least before the 15th. SO should I go get my stuff or just wait a little bit longer? Link to post Share on other sites
ManiBoi Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Hello, My Names Manuel I'm 18 years old I had a girlfriend I been with for almost 2 years.She got Pregnant but lost our child at 6 months and a half...It sucked.anyway I told her alot of bad things but we have broken up in the past but got back together after 2 or 3 week of separation. the reason was the same as this times jeliousy...It's not my fault I am jelious because I got cheated on with the first girl I had and after that I said to myself I will never be fooled again it was a sort of oat I took..well my girlfriend I had recently told me dont compare me to her I am different.But again I made a fool of myself By being a jeliouse monster...Everyone tells me dont call her but I cant stop . I relised I been bad and I learned my lesson, but she still keeps on saying "NO I WANT TO BE FRIENDS AND THAT IS ALL" I told her "NO I DONT WANNA BE FRIENDS IF I CANT HAVE YOU AS A GIRLFRIEND I DONT WANT YOU AS A FRIEND,I want you all not just a little part".She cried said she would always love me and care about me but can never more be whit me or marry me.Her mom hates me and her family too my family hates her because she beat up my sister,Her family hates me cause they said I hurt her...she told me I feel Sad but at the same time happy because I left You.I told her why happy?..and she said"because I dont have to deal with your jeliousness and figthing,I know I did wrong but I feel I changed I want her back.I'm a faithfull,Nice,and friendly guy,Well thats what all the girls I told this to have told me,I know I am young and shouldnt be thinking about it but I trully love this girl and I can't Imagine life whitout her...right now is sucks ass but My heart keeps on telling me she will be back,She tells me she loves me and she misses me and I am still her baby ,I wish I could turn back time and I would start off fresh and clean and whitout figthing and problems. I really Need advise on what to do, we barelly broke up 3 days ago But It feels like its been a month I miss her so bad I cant sleep eat or go out I just hermit in my house...I wish I was whit her right now,my soul needs her and so does my mind I always think of her all the time, My heads feels like its going to blow up I can't take this it feels like hell I wish she knew how I feel and how it feel so she can understand why I cry when I see her or hear her voice I miss her so much.Help me please give me advise I dont know what to do this is My second relationship and I think its the first real relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 Originally posted by BodaciousBunny I will give it time... I have to go over there tuesday to get my things I left, but do you think I should even do that? Or should I jsut wait - it is stuff that I need at least before the 15th. SO should I go get my stuff or just wait a little bit longer? Have him box it up and leave it for you. Find out when he WON'T be there and pick it up then. Almost everyone gave you the same advice I would say. You sound totally desperate and co-dependent. He sounds like he does care about your feelings and doesn't want to hurt them, but knows that you two are not compatible in the long-run and is trying to find a way to move on without hurting you. I hope that he realizes that sometimes that just isn't possible and he needs to do what is best for him. Just as you need to do what is best for you. Count this as your first heart-break, learn from it, and move on. Something else that you should know - you never marry just the person - you always marry the family too, and it makes absolutly no difference if the family is physically in the picture or not. That is something you need to understand and learn how to work with it. Don't rule your mother out either - try and consider that she's lived a while and has experienced the same feelings that you have and maybe she can help you. Just because you don't like what she has to say does not make her wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Grace Posted October 6, 2003 Share Posted October 6, 2003 I'm going through the same thing you are going through ...exactly, but w/o the moving in part. My man and I were spending 6 - 7 days a week together and I got the same speech (we were together 8 mos.). At first, he blamed me, then he said it wasn't me, it was him that he doesn't know how he feels. After dealing w/ this for a month and reading every book out there. I'm finally able to see what it really is. Commitment phobia/relationship overload. He's pulling away. You need to do exactly what I'm doing. Let him. You need to NOT call him and when he calls you, be nice and cordial. Don't second guess yourself and don't ask too many people what they think you should do cause it will only confuse you more. For every person that exists in this world, you're going to get a different opinion. If you want any chance of ever working things out w/ this man, you need to cut off contact with him for a while and give him all the space in the world. If you call him, you'll throw him right back to square one. He'll come to you when he's ready to talk. Until then, you need to do stupid little things to occupy your mind. In about a month - 6 wks, if you've left him totally alone, he'll probably be able to have withdrawn long enough to miss you. I'm not saying it will work out, I don't even know if this guy is good for you in the long run...only you will know that. Commitment phobes are hard to deal with and can cause a lot of pain. It's up to you what your pain threshold is and take it from there. You could get back w/ this guy and he could end up pulling away again. This guy will most likely come back to you once you've stayed away long enough, but when he does come back, make sure he's really good for you. Take this time to really look at your relationship for what it was and see if it's something that you'd want for a lifetime. Think w/ your head and not your heart. P.S. If you two do get back together, I'd suggest that you not move back in with him, even if he wants you to. Link to post Share on other sites
ADUN Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Well, I think that your boy wants you not to leave the house, but to leave his life. Honestly that is it. However, what he's feeling now is "I don't wanna have it but I don't wanna lose it". Doesn't wanna lose it not because of love, but fear of a long period of a bachelor's life. Fron your story, I think he's working on something else with another girl. I ll tell you that if a man loves a woman and I MEAN LOVE a woman, then she's everything. Trust me girl, when he says he's confused and needs time, that is time to see if his other experience's gonna work out. If not, he'll get back to you and tell you that his confusion moment passed. trust me on this. My suggestion to you is: stop stalking him... let him be and be yourself. Be strong and harden your heart. Save your love for somebody who deserves it. You'll see him calling you and asking about you... not because he misses you but just to make sure you re always available if nothing happens in the other side; u know what I mean. If my speculation is not true, I ll give you 5 $ Link to post Share on other sites
BodaciousBunny Posted October 7, 2003 Share Posted October 7, 2003 Well I sent him a message asking when I could come get my stuff... he said whenever was convienent for me, and told me when he would be there and his plans - like what all he was doing...example going to work at 8:00 be home from work at this time .... 7:00 working on this after I get home from work, (almost done by the way) Link to post Share on other sites
MonkeyPuppet Posted March 29, 2004 Share Posted March 29, 2004 Originally posted by ADUN Well, I think that your boy wants you not to leave the house, but to leave his life. Honestly that is it. However, what he's feeling now is "I don't wanna have it but I don't wanna lose it". Doesn't wanna lose it not because of love, but fear of a long period of a bachelor's life. Fron your story, I think he's working on something else with another girl. I ll tell you that if a man loves a woman and I MEAN LOVE a woman, then she's everything. Trust me girl, when he says he's confused and needs time, that is time to see if his other experience's gonna work out. If not, he'll get back to you and tell you that his confusion moment passed. trust me on this. My suggestion to you is: stop stalking him... let him be and be yourself. Be strong and harden your heart. Save your love for somebody who deserves it. You'll see him calling you and asking about you... not because he misses you but just to make sure you re always available if nothing happens in the other side; u know what I mean. If my speculation is not true, I ll give you 5 $ sorry dumbass, you're wrong... perhaps your opinion reflects you own life, i'd appreciate it if you wouldn't confuse the two. ha, guess who i am dipsh*t Link to post Share on other sites
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