Can't get out of "overcompensating" trap

[artbrat]

I'm an adult survivor of abuse and I'm dealing with these issues with a great therapist. I seem to have a problem with overcompensating and being too generous with others. Six months ago, I became a volunteer advocate and mentor to a teen in a residential group home. He's suffered loss, trauma, abandonment and abuse. I love spending time with this kid. I do what I can to help him realize his potential and be a consistent, caring adult role model. This experience benefits me too. But I have a hard time saying no to his requests. This kid never had much, or the chance to do a lot of the things other kids do. I tend to be passive. I'm not good at setting boundaries for myself and saying no, I can't afford all of this. He appreciates the time I give him yet knows my vulnerability. His caseworker is well aware of the situation. We all plan to meet with him to better define my intentions to be his advocate/mentor. I'm not assertive enough to tell this kid I simply can't do, buy or take him everywhere he wants. I'm torn between tough love and sympathy. My intentions are good but this will not help him or me in the long run.

 

This happens with family members too. They seem to turn to me, thinking I can bail them out in a pinch. It's apparent that I feel the need to take care of others, even when it's not in my best interests.

 

Any advice, help or words of wisdom wold be appreciated.

 

~peace and love

artbrat

[Groovy]

My only advice to you is if you speak from your heart and speak with total honesty. You'll find people will be very appreciative and accepting. You want to learn about who he is and be a friend. I'm sure he feels the same. And if your in a situation where you can't afford something due to money, time, etc he deserves to know what and see you for what you really are. A person just like everyone else doing their best, even if you want to be play the hero. Best of luck to you both.

[Geishawhelk]

It's everybody's right to say 'no' at times, and please let me assure you - you may have a history, and be a survivor of childhood abuse (for which I commend you, by the way) - you are by no means the only person who has difficulty in saying 'no' to others.

 

It is in fact one of the hardest challenges for many, to overcome.

 

If at all possible, give yourself some thinking time before making a decision to help anyone, bailing someone out, or considering whether you're being a pushover....

 

Take time to think about whether you really feel like doing whatever they've asked you to do.

Ask yourself whether you think they're asking because they really need you to do this, or whether they're asking you because you never say 'no', or whether it's just convenient or them to ask you....

Decide whether it would be a mere irritation for you to say no, for them, or a real show-stopper....

 

I would even advise practising infront of the mirror.

 

I know, I know.

It sounds stupid.

But it's what I used to do, because I wanted to see what I looked like when I did something that went so against my grain.

 

Saying no.

It was hard.

 

But only the first time.

Then suddenly, the moment I'd said it, I wondered why it had always been so hard.

It was actually very self-validating very easy and very satisfying.

because I knew I'd never let myself down again, or others, for that matter.

 

By being a doormat in this way, we're letting others down too, because we're not doing things in the spirit in which we should be doing it.

 

Hope this helps.

if you need further input, ask me.

[artbrat]

Thank you Groovy: yes, I must speak from the heart. Honesty is best and finding out the importance I place on the relationship with this kid will help him understand I'm here to teach him to keep an open heart.

 

Gieshawhelk: you are especially tuned in to our motivation and behaviors.

Practicing saying No in front of the mirror doesn't sound like a bad idea at all. In the past, I couldn't figure out this behavior. People ask too much of me, I would comply and two emotions followed: Frustration because I hastily granted a request, knowing I shouldn't. Then resentment toward the person. I truly believe this overcompensating attitude is desperately needing and wanting to be accepted and loved. Things I never received when I was a child. I recognize the pattern as it relates back to my lack of emotional and physical nurturing from an incapable parent.

 

Healing from abuse is the most difficult challenges I've faced. There's so much more work I need to do. Behaviors and my interaction with others as an adult were formed from a distorted sense of self. There are days I wonder if I'll ever reach that healthy place.

 

Thank you both ~ peace and love