9Lives Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I'm seeing my ex again but I really don't like that he texts a lot when we are together. I think he is talking to other women. it really gets on my nerves. withiut starting a argument I want to tell him stop all that f)cking texting. it is so rude. anyone have any thoughts on this? I think if you are with someone you shouldn't be doing all that texting. I hate it. especially when I think it is a woman too Link to post Share on other sites
AgentSmith2009 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 This is what I'd say. Something I've learned since my last relationship and which would have ultimately saved that relationship had I applied it early on. DEFEND YOUR BOUNDARIES AT ALL COSTS. You need to teach him what your boundaries are. You obviously have a boundary regarding this texting. Each time you let him cross this boundary of yours, you lose esteem for yourself and you take value away from yourself in the relationship and he loses respect for you. You have to be assertive about your boundaries. Assertiveness is speaking the truth without anger or emotion...it's real-time honesty. When you lay down a boundary, you need to give him a small pang of anxiety. Don't worry about being too polite, too nice, don't defer to him, and don't make it seem like his need to text is more important than your need for respect. You don't need to make a big deal out of defending your boundary, but you definitely need to defend it. It doesn't need to turn into a fight, and if it does, then you've done something wrong. It should be a quick assertion of what you will and/or won't tolerate and then go back to making nice. I'll tell you my story. My xgf, who I still love with all of my heart, ended up breaking up with me because I became insecure in our relationship. I became insecure largely because I allowed her to break up with me three times over a religious issue. Very early in our relationship, she wanted me to study her religion and convert to it. Religion was also important to me. I suggested that we study her religion together for a day, and then we could study mine together for a day. She refused. She said that she would only study her religion with me. Had I, at that point, held firm and insisted that if we were going to do the studies, that we do it fairly, I'm convinced that I'd be married to her today instead of broken up. When I caved in on her demand, she lost respect for me and I showed her low value and low status. She wanted to respect me. Had I held firm, sure, she would have been mad, but ulitmately, she would have given in at least to an extent and I would have preserved value and respect in her eyes. I lost the war, right there, after about a month into the relationship and we were together for almost a year. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I'm seeing my ex again but I really don't like that he texts a lot when we are together. I think he is talking to other women. it really gets on my nerves. withiut starting a argument I want to tell him stop all that f)cking texting. it is so rude. anyone have any thoughts on this? I think if you are with someone you shouldn't be doing all that texting. I hate it. especially when I think it is a woman too I have a friend who does that...and when she looks down and reads the messages many times she gets a great big smile on her face. I'm very close to telling her to take the instrument and shove it up her butt and to just simply stay away from me. A text or two now and then is no problem but to do it constantly when you're with somebody is rude as hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Tony T., why not excuse yourself, go to the john and text her telling her that if she keeps paying more attention to her 'phone than she does to you, to excuse you whilst you pay more attention to anybody else but her..... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 What is the deal with rudeness and not appreciating the company you're with nowadays? I see two people driving along in a car together and both of them are on the phone talking to other people. I see two out (like you and your SO) on a date and one or both are looking at their phones with fingers flying. Or one of them is on the phone while the other stares off into space. Why do people put up with being treated like they are just supposed to wait in the wings until their SO feels like making them important?!! I'd be so out. It'd really bite my man in the behind if he ever tried to pull that with me. I'd play a huge head game with him and the next time he called I'd say "I'm sorry. I think you have the wrong number. This is ________ and I believe you wanted <his phone model here>" and I'd hang up. I wouldn't call or respond to him and when he flipped out and came over to talk in person I would innocently explain that I thought it was over because of the lack of attention I get because of his PHONE. Then I'd say, "I'm glad we're having this conversation now because another guy asked me for my number just this afternoon and I would have thought I was free to go out with him!" And he'd never do it again. Yes. I'm evil sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Damn. I'm evil all the time. Is that good or bad? I hate mobile phones. I always have so much time and text availability at the end of the month because I only ever use it to call, or receive calls. I text occasionally, if I know my partner is in a lecture or lesson. It's woefully "under-used". I have internet access, email facility, recording, photos.... I never use any of that stuff. It's a telephone!! I actually prefer standing infront of somebody and engaging with them verbally. It's actually quite gratifying to see facial expressions, smiles, pensive thinking, touching, hand on arm, hug, wave... Am I weird or what? I really fear that in time we'll have to run social interaction classes for kids to explain things like this to them. "No, he's not baring his teeth menacingly. It's called 'a smile'....." Get off the freckin' phone, people!! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Damn. I'm evil all the time. Is that good or bad? It's good. Damn - wish there was an "evil" emoticon! At least now I use my powers for good! - or at least that is what family members tell me... Seriously OP -- you need to whip this guy into shape! I actually prefer standing infront of somebody and engaging with them verbally. It's actually quite gratifying to see facial expressions, smiles, pensive thinking, touching, hand on arm, hug, wave... Yeah, I know. It is the lost art of communicating. *sigh* I under use my phone capabilities as well. Or not as I have LOTS of interaction with the people right in front of me! I really fear that in time we'll have to run social interaction classes for kids to explain things like this to them. "No, he's not baring his teeth menacingly. It's called 'a smile'....." Get off the freckin' phone, people!! I was rolling when I read this! So true! How many threads are there where youths do not know how to talk to the opposite sex or what the non verbal queues mean?!! GAWD! We're seriously becoming those gooey people in the movie WALL-E. Link to post Share on other sites
paperchase Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 It's really generational. My ex is 22 and she texts constantly. 24-7. She even courted me though heavy texting. She's much less comfortable having a conversation and will chose to discuss important things via text. We even used to talk dirty via text. I adjusted but it did always bother me when she was looking at her phone eager to see who was texting her. She would get jealous when my phone buzzed. She had so many friends who also used text and I didn't so when my phone buzzed it raised suspicion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 thanks so much guys. I had a feeling that it was not right but I wasnt sure. I am so tired of people thinking they can treat you any kind of way and it is okay. I am so sick of it I had to throw my girlfriend out my house cause she thought she was going to live in my home for FREE!!! I am glad she is out of my life for good. People will just walk all over you if you keep your mouth shut. It is so so sad Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 This is what I'd say. Something I've learned since my last relationship and which would have ultimately saved that relationship had I applied it early on. DEFEND YOUR BOUNDARIES AT ALL COSTS. You don't need to make a big deal out of defending your boundary, but you definitely need to defend it. It doesn't need to turn into a fight, and if it does, then you've done something wrong. It should be a quick assertion of what you will and/or won't tolerate and then go back to making nice. . The funny thing is when I do defend my boundaries, he makes it seem like I am doing something wrong. It is like I cant say anything about what he does. He gets all mad and everything and starts acting different and not calling Link to post Share on other sites
openbook08 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Tony T., why not excuse yourself, go to the john and text her telling her that if she keeps paying more attention to her 'phone than she does to you, to excuse you whilst you pay more attention to anybody else but her..... brillo manillo skillo! loved this idea im soooo frickin sick of the text too grr.... my friends cant even drop it for 5mins in my company i have commented a few times they think im just kiddin im w geisha im off to the jacks the next time!! Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 The funny thing is when I do defend my boundaries, he makes it seem like I am doing something wrong. It is like I cant say anything about what he does. He gets all mad and everything and starts acting different and not calling How are you sticking up for yourself? It makes a difference. If you get to the point where you will not be treated this way (absolutely will not) then you will be coming from a different position. Your verbiage will be different and your attitude will be different. You really have to be looking at it the right way. If he isn't willing to treat you right then he doesn't care about you as he should. So if that is the case then you are wasting your time with an idiot who is never going to treat you as you deserve to be treated. So you make it clear you refuse to be treated this way and it is over if it continues. Only two things can happen: 1. He stops that behavior and you feel appreciated and truly cared for. *Bliss* 2. He chooses not to rectify the situation and treat you right - all you lost was a dead weight loser who was keeping you from happiness with someone who WILL appreciate you. *Bliss* Having this type of attitude where you make sure the person you are giving your time and energy to values you and cares about how you feel will never steer you wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 How are you sticking up for yourself? It makes a difference. If you get to the point where you will not be treated this way (absolutely will not) then you will be coming from a different position. Your verbiage will be different and your attitude will be different. You really have to be looking at it the right way. If he isn't willing to treat you right then he doesn't care about you as he should. So if that is the case then you are wasting your time with an idiot who is never going to treat you as you deserve to be treated. So you make it clear you refuse to be treated this way and it is over if it continues. Only two things can happen: 1. He stops that behavior and you feel appreciated and truly cared for. *Bliss* 2. He chooses not to rectify the situation and treat you right - all you lost was a dead weight loser who was keeping you from happiness with someone who WILL appreciate you. *Bliss* Having this type of attitude where you make sure the person you are giving your time and energy to values you and cares about how you feel will never steer you wrong. I agree 100%. That is why I ended yesterday cause I CANT STAND IT!!!! So he can see..date..f/ck...lick..any b/ch he wants to now. I am glad. I finally see him for what he is and I am happy to move on with my life. I need a real man who respects me and loves me. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I agree 100%. That is why I ended yesterday cause I CANT STAND IT!!!! So he can see..date..f/ck...lick..any b/ch he wants to now. I am glad. I finally see him for what he is and I am happy to move on with my life. I need a real man who respects me and loves me. Good for you! You deserve all you want out of a relationship. If you aren't getting that and you stay you are settling. And you will never be happy if you are settling. You deserve the whole enchilada!!! I am so happy for you that you can now find someone that makes you HAPPY and secure! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I trust you ended it by text? Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I trust you ended it by text? OMG that would be a CLASSIC move. 9lives - did you?!! Link to post Share on other sites
Prophet Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 I'm seeing my ex again but I really don't like that he texts a lot when we are together. I think he is talking to other women. it really gets on my nerves. What bothers you isn't the texting, what bothers you is your suspicions. When we are suspicious - particularly with regard to perceived infidelity or jealousy - we have our bloodstream filled with a chemical cocktail of adrenaline and endorphins that make us hyper-aware. And truth be told, we come to a point where we like this 'rush', in fact so much that we will seek out ways to stimulate it even artificially. We like the feelings that come with the indignation, that's why we'll watch "cheaters" or get off on soap operas, or throwing things at the screen when they interview "players" on the day time talk shows. In the past, this biological suspicion response probably served both sexes well in that it helped prevent us from investing ourselves with someone who wouldn't make a loyal mate. However, like many other things today, this response can become a liability when our bodies come to crave the 'rush' due to being constantly exposed to it artificially. Your Ex - and he was an Ex so the suspicion association is already established - may very well have been texting associates about something business related that makes him constantly use his device. And you could consider this rude or disrespectful, but your issue is really the suspicion he's secretly texting other women, not the act itself. Your fear is he has more desire to chat with these phantom women than pay attention to you. Why was he your Ex again? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 No. Regardless of who or why - it's bloody rude, disrespectful and completely uncalled for. I'm out with someone? My phone is off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 OMG that would be a CLASSIC move. 9lives - did you?!! lol...no I didnt but i did tell him after we broke up again...see below "OH YEAH, ALL THAT TEXTING YOUR B/TCH WHILE WITH ME AND GOING TO THE BATHROOM TO HANDLE IT..YEAH...I HATED HATED THAT S/HIT...DISRESPECTING ME" I am sure I will not hear from him again. He gone and it is kinda sad but I dont care. I cant stand it. He needs to be respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Your Ex - and he was an Ex so the suspicion association is already established - may very well have been texting associates about something business related that makes him constantly use his device. And you could consider this rude or disrespectful, but your issue is really the suspicion he's secretly texting other women, not the act itself. Your fear is he has more desire to chat with these phantom women than pay attention to you. Why was he your Ex again? Your right, I dont care about the text...it is that it is obvious to me...it is a woman cause he acts suspecious...that is the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 He gone and it is kinda sad but I dont care. I cant stand it. He needs to be respectful. You should be thrilled he is gone and now you have the opportunity to fill his position with someone who really makes you happy. The only thing a bad guy does really well is keep a good guy away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 You should be thrilled he is gone and now you have the opportunity to fill his position with someone who really makes you happy. The only thing a bad guy does really well is keep a good guy away. Yeah, I know. It wasnt all bad so I will miss him but I dont want this stuff anymore. I have got to look forward now. Link to post Share on other sites
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